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I Want to be The Biggest Loser
I have applied to be a contestant on NBC's The Biggest Loser.
I am morbidly obese enough, and to such a degree, to make me an ideal candidate for The Biggest Loser.
OH.MY.GOD.
I don't believe I'm actually putting this out here for my tens of readers - and well OK, the probably one thousand or so more that I emailed and asked for support, encouragement, prayers, and wishes for good luck.
The actual decision to do this was made a while ago; the day I sat on the toilet seat and it broke and ended up breaking open a damn of anger and feelings I have, for too long, buried.
For those who follow me on Facebook, you already knew that I was going to apply for the show. For some reason it wasn't as hard to admit it out there (probably because I know that as someone who posts status updates like, "...thinks she could definitely meet her weight loss goal if she had to pedal to use her computer." and "...just read a list of 100 Things to do Before You Die' and was surprised that 'yell for help' wasn't one of them!" that there aren't too many people reading what I have to say anyhow!), but putting the words down here...well it's been difficult, to say the least.
I've worried almost incessantly about what you'd think of me if you knew there was more to me than just the floating head-shots that I post...that are all I ever post!
Like this...
...and this...
Or even this one...
I have never, ever, online anywhere, posted a full-length body shot of myself. Especially not out here in Bloggywood where, on the rare occasion, the catty-ness level surpasses that found on The Real Housewives of New Jersey/Orange County/New York/Atlanta.
Being a photographer, I know how to tilt my head and angle the camera in order to not capture my four bulging chins and my neck encased in so much adipose tissue as to make it barely discernible as neck. I wear enough make-up to put a clown to shame and I spend a lot of time arranging my hair so that it hides as much of my face-fat, as possible. I don't PhotoShop pictures of myself, but I certainly don't put enough out there to show how really big I am.
Living With the Constant Fear of Being Rejected Because of How I Look
Up until now I've been in abject fear of the reaction and the disgust. It's one of the biggest reasons I became a recluse and refuse to go to any sort of conventions like BlogHer, Blissdom, Mom 2.0 or any of the other ones. It's also the reason I do my grocery shopping as late as possible - so I don't have to deal with the stares of all the people, looking at what the really fat lady put into her shopping cart. I didn't want to see the shocked and horrified expressions on your face when you finally meet me face to face. Until recently I've been so completely consumed by worry over what everyone would think of me.
As women, we judge one another so harshly and often times we are so cruel to one another because of how we look. I didn't want the friendships I've formed out here, some very close, to dissolve because I was not the person you'd built me up, in your head, to be. Because I've been living through fear-tinted windows for a very long time, I didn't realize how these thoughts did a huge disservice to all of you...the people I'm afraid to meet and interact with.
A Very Heavy Burden
Let's
