Co-Parenting After a Divorce: Gleaning Advice from Bloggers

My ex husband and I always tell our kids that our style of parenting is quite abnormal as we (he and I) are in constant communication. We make decisions together. We have access to eachother's homes and we sit together at our kids' concerts, sports events, school orientations, etc. Obviously it's not perfect, but we still want our kids to see us as a unified parenting front. We have learned that the breaks the kids get from us as we alternate time with them can actually enhance their bond with us.

Co-parenting often is the only term you hear once you are divorced and sharing children. But as many of us know, co-parenting doesn't always work.

Personally I have found in my situation that co-parenting is not an option. However, parallel parenting is. For those of you who struggle wit co-parenting you can read more about my story at

http://daytodaywoman.com/2011/02/09/parallel-paren... ( http://daytodaywoman.com/2011/02/09/parallel-paren... )

Good luck to all of you on your search for answers.

~Carrie

Carrie Dahle

Writer ~ Day to Day Woman ( http://www.daytodaywoman.com )

There's a lot of really great information here. I'm a teen writer for Radical Parenting, a parenting blog written by kids. We have an article written on strategies for divorced parents, with some additional information to what's given here. You can read the article here: http://www.radicalparenting.com/2008/05/15/6-uniqu... ( http://www.radicalparenting.com/2008/05/15/6-uniqu... )

When my ex and I divorced after 15 years of marriage, it didn't even seem optional NOT to co-parent peacfully, collaboratively and closely. It's not that we always agree one-to-one, but we agree on a unified front with our children. I felt we had reached the pinnacle when my oldest daughter, at 12, one day yelled at me -- "Why can't you and dad be like normal divorced parents and hate each other? You guys have to discuss everything about me and my brother before you decide. It makes me sick!"
So, when the kid is yelling because they can't figure out a way to get around either parent, I call that success!

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Beverly Flaxington

Author, Understanding Other People ( http://www.understandingotherpeople.com/ )

Can't agree more with Mandy. My ex and I used a process called collaborative divorce when we separated. It was hard work, but it helped us build a good foundation for co-parenting our daughter. We really built something new and better for all three of us. Mandy blogged about my story starting here: http://sincemydivorce.com/the-miracle-behind-a-goo... ( http://sincemydivorce.com/the-miracle-behind-a-goo... ). Her blog is a great resource!

One other thing that really helps my ex and me is meeting about once a month with a psychologist to talk about parenting issues. If an issue seems like it might be a hot one, we bring it up there. And when something starts triggering us outside of a session, one of us will say, "Let's talk about it at Mitch's." The sessions are a safe container in which to work out parenting issues.

Great topic! And the resources you list look to be really helpful. Thanks!

What great resources.

The thing that's difficult is when one parent is bent on self destruction. One of my dearest friends is dealing with this right now. She is at the beginning of a divorce and trying to figure out how to best coparent with someone who she's not sure if she trusts with her child.

I'll be sending her this article!

Thanks for the shout out.

If I could share just one thing about co-parenting, it's that it starts as soon as you and your spouse decide to divorce, not when the divorce is final. That means all the discussions during settlement negotiations etc. impact the quality of your on-going relationship. If it's a bitter and acrimonious divorce, then co-parenting will be challenging.

Mandy
Blog: ( http://www.sincemydivorce.com/ )Since My Divorce ( http://sincemydivorce.com )

Facebook : Since My Divorce ( http://www.facebook.com/SinceMyDivorce )

Absolutely true.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

I think the biggest lesson I have learned is we still need to communicate and use alots of patience.

Blessings to you and yours,

( http://www.mylivesignature.com )

Really good advice. People talk about the drawbacks of communicating via email, but this is one of those situations where I think email has made a positive difference.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

The name is a little bit cheesy, but I really like the advice column questions and advice at Bonus Families: http://www.bonusfamilies.com/.

My advice is to take scheduling seriously. Google calendar has been very useful for recording clearly for who has which kid and when.

I also find texting and email are easier than in-person or phone conversations.

some other advice:

* don't discuss practicalities and schedules in front of the kid(s)

* find someone unrelated to the relationship to vent to. any anger, frustration etc, that you have, there is no point in expressing it to your ex. With them, stay focused on necessary communication. dealing with each others' emotions is no longer either of your jobs in relation to the other.

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Liz Henry ( http://www.blogher.com/haystackprofile/viewprofile... )
Composite: Tech & Poetics ( http://liz-henry.blogspot.com/ )

lizzard@bookmaniac.net

Scary dream!

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

So I read this article the other night before bed. I then dreamed that my husband divorced me and was trying to get sole custody. Get out of my head. Oof. (Great piece though.)

Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )), from Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ), is a freelance writer and newspaper photographer.

I have to imagine it's anything but easy to set your differences aside, even if you have a clear focus.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Yeah, divorce is never an easy thing. Co-parenting is another stage where things does not get any easier and requires a lot of uderstanding from both parties. One of the key thing for parents is to place their differences aside and focus on the child. Yes, so easy, but many parents are not successful at doing this and freqently result to selfishness with the child to punish the other.