Core

I look in the mirror  and examine what’s reflected. I am going through that “mid-life crisis” time, a “re-evaluation” time. We start out as adults in the big world with our core values. We have the hard lines we think that we won’t let anyone cross. We type in BOLD on our hearts the things that matter the most and the deal-breakers.

But as time marches on and our lives evolve, we meet the slippery slope and find ourselves sliding.  Sometimes the slope is just one or two steps of slipping, sometimes it’s an avalanche that carries us far and away. My one core value has always been family. Since I was a small girl, I have always wanted to be a mother and I am at heart a momma’s girl. I always pictured having a career and then at some point taking a step back and raising children.

As many women know, this dream gets revised and rewritten as you find yourself without a spouse, entrenched in a career and pushing through your thirties. I wondered if I would ever meet Mr. Right and then I finally did at 36. The big picture seemed to be forming and I feel head over heels. But as the relationship grew and I realized that this was the right man for me, the bottom dropped out. He already had two sons from a previous marriage. His hard line was that he was not going to have any more children. I was devastated. I had to re-evaluate everything I thought to be true. I agonized and debated and finally decided that true love is hard to find and I married him but conceded that we would not have a baby together.

And then here the slippery slope took over again. I was fine with it or so I thought. Other things started happening in life. I started a new career, I watched his boys grow into teenagers and a hole formed in my heart. The avalanche captured me. I began to feel this longing for a baby just take over and carry me away like a tidal wave. I could try to ignore it, rationalize it, curse it, and ultimately grieve it. How did I let something that was a major core value to me, raising a family as a mother, become something I was willing to give up in the name of love?

How do things fall away over time like this? I love my husband more than I ever thought imaginable. But I know that I am always going to grieve this loss and a part of me is always going to be a little bit broken because of it.

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