Cosmetic Surgery: Sign Me Up?

Mommy Magician:          Gather round children. Would you like to see a magic trick?

<magician sticks fist through the middle of her stomach>

Children:                                Eww, Yuck! How did you do that?

Mommy Magician:          It’s called Diastasis Recti.

Children:                                 What does that mean?

Mommy Magicians:        It means that when you little bastards were born, you split your mother’s abdominal muscles and her stomach has never looked right since!

If God gave women the blessing of childbirth, than the devil is responsible for her body's recovery.

I have always been small framed. If it wasn’t for a decent chest, I’d look like a teenage boy.

After college I was between 120 to 130 pounds. After marriage and my first son, I weighted around 140 pounds. When I was pregnant with my twins I sky rocketed to 200 pounds. <record scratch> I repeat 200 pounds!

IMG_7323
140 lbs. (2012) versus 180 ish (2013)

My body wasn’t prepared to take on the additional weight. My skin began to split and blister.

Have you ever seen a drowning victim? Well, that would have been my closest comparison. The preeclampsia caused me to swell in ways unimaginable. I was forced to wear my husband's sneakers because no shoe in my closet fit. My son would squeeze my legs so he could see his hand print in my skin. When I walked I could feel the fluid move across the top of my feet. By the end of my pregnancy I was miserable. I looked like something you would find tangled in a fisherman’s net.

My mother was in awe that I was carrying twin boys, she would quote Chaka Khan, “D, you are every woman! Be proud.”, what she really meant was, “You look like you swallowed ‘every woman’”.

I prayed that I would shed the pounds quickly as I had done with my previous pregnancy, but I wasn’t ready for what was to come.  On October 11, 2013 (the day my twins were born), I weighed 200 pounds and by November 11, 2013 I was down to 125 pounds. Everyone was excited and shocked by how small I was…they thought I looked great, but they hadn’t seen me naked.

Ain't nothing sexy about this!

Most people do not understand the effects of dramatic weight gain and lost. When you push and stretch your body beyond its weight limit in a short amount of time, and then quickly drop the pounds, your body doesn’t know how to react. And the results are always most visible when you step out of the shower and you see yourself in the mirror under fluorescent bathroom lighting <grab a towel quick and run!>.

Have you ever baked a chocolate cake and it falls, and the top is REALLY dark, wrinkly and loose? Yeah, that’s how my stomach looks.  The hole in the middle of cake is the equivalent of my stretched navel. I use to have a cute belly button, now it looks like a droopy eyelid. And, let’s not talk about my chest. I have a serious attitude with my breasts. I refuse to even give them eye contact. I talk to them as if they can respond.

<conversation with my breasts>

Me:                               You two look ridiculous! This is the best you can do? Y’all get on my nerves. Look at you,     just laying there! Where’s your initiative? Sit-up straight. Stop slouching! For the Love of God, DO SOMETHING!!!!!

I never thought I would ever consider cosmetic surgery, but how is it cosmetic if I am simply asking the doctor to do what I tell my toddler all the time, “put things back the way you found it”? Hell, I’m not trying to look 19 again, but I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to look the way I did 9-months before I sacrificed my body to give life to two babies at the same damn time.

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