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AV Flox is a Peruvian transplant living in Los Angeles. She is the editrix-in-command of Sex and the 405, a site that shows you what your newspaper w...
 
 
 
 

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Could It Be You're Not The Relationship Kind?

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There wasn't much time between the moment my husband and I decided to get a divorce and the moment I moved out. Packing is an incredible distraction. No matter how much stuff you have and how hard it is to find a new place and get some footing on life, there comes a point where your head slows down long enough to think.

I've reached that point. I can't stop thinking.

I keep thinking about my wedding day. The way our eyes teared-up when we said our vows like neither my husband nor I imagined they would, and the sincerity with which we said the words “until death do us part.” Most of all, I think about the strange man in the waiting room where I'd stood moments before I walked to the altar.

He'd come in unannounced, taken a look at me and said, “so you’re the run-away bride, huh?”

That was the first and last time I saw him. Words like that don't matter in the grand scheme of things, but for those two seconds between the moment he said those words and the moment I began walking down that aisle, it stung like nothing anyone had ever said to me. It stung because I felt it was true.

Now I sit alone on a Saturday night and think about the other great loves of my life, besides my husband. I left them both, too. And I remember each departure as clearly as I remember the words that stranger in the waiting room said to me.

I had been in Sweden with Magnus for some time when the little ice palace we'd built started to melt. Try as we might, we could not keep the walls from caving in on us. The afternoon that we realized this, we'd been enjoying the view of the Baltic. I mentioned to him how lovely it would be to sleep on a pier under the sky.

“I wish I could be as impulsive as you are,” Magnus replied with condescension. “You would hate it. You would freeze in a second and spend the entire night complaining about how miserable the weather was here.”

“Your feet are planted so firmly in on the ground, dear, I'm amazed you can walk,” I shot back.

“Wake up and grow up,” he said, lighting another cigarette.

“Let go and live for a change,” I retorted.

I used to call him Descartes because he reminded me so much of that legend about René Descartes and the boy. Have you heard it? Descartes once visited an abattoir where he saw a boy sketching a dead ox. When the philosopher asked why the boy had chosen such a subject, the young Rembrandt replied, “your philosophy takes away our souls. In my paintings, I will give them back, even to dead animals.”

That was Magnus. The man who saw the world as one composed of substances: mind and matter; mind being the unextended and indivisible and matter being a substance that obeys the laws of classical physics. His incorporeal mind was lodged in his mechanical body, believing—above all things—that the whole of existence, our very individuality as humans, was perhaps a dream, and the only way of knowing we exist is because we think.

I told him we were a bad combination—if he was Descartes, I was a nightingale in a bell jar.

“The dreams of a madman?” He didn't like Einstein.

If his divide stood strong against even the advances of modern physics, how could a woman imagine she could collapse it with a kiss?

“I love you but I hate the way you are,” Magnus said. “I love you but I hate the life you lead. You are going to kill me. You are going to poison every ounce of certainty in my body with madness and turn my world upside down.”

If you listen to your heart and don't let what you wish were true cloud your intuition, you can always sense when something is over. With those words, both Magnus and I knew it was over.

We went back home and made dinner without speaking. We ate in the fading light of the day. Neither he nor I had bothered to turn on the light.

“Now what happens?” he asked after we had finished.

“Now I pack,” I said, rising. And I did. It was the first time I saw him cry. But he didn't stop me.

My mother remembers all of this.

“I remember feeling such apprehension,” she said. “I told him, 'you do realize she's special,' I

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avflox 5 pts

Pop psych for the soul, baby.

Bill Cammack 5 pts

Interestingly enough, that Chicken Head was the first relationship you LOST, and prepared your mind that things that you love won't always be in your life, relationships can be painful and sometimes it's just better to let them go so you can get on with what's left...

~ Bill ( http://billcammack.com/ )
I blog at billcammack.com ( http://billcammack.com/ )

( http://billcammack.com )

avflox 5 pts

When I was little, I hated baby dolls. Everyone had one except me.
My favorite toy was Entrapta, a nemesis of She-Ra, the Warrior
Princess, known for her ability to capture foes with her incredible
tech savvy. Oh, and her fabulous hair.

I also loved a chicken
head that I stole from the kitchens, which I turned into a puppet. I
knew Mother would be horrified if she found it, so I hid it. It stunk
up my room and my nanny eventually did find it. It was totally
decayed--this was quite possibly one of the most disappointing and
eye-opening moments of my early childhood.

As I got older, I
became very preoccupied with the preservation of things. By the time I
was thirteen, I had an incredible collection of skeletons, stuffed
creatures, and bottled ones.

Explains my fascination today with gadgets, fur, scales and feathers, as opposed to babies. Maybe.

avflox 5 pts

I'm glad you're doing better. Dealing with a breakup like this can be hard. You're not defective: you're a son of life, as you so rightly said. :)

avflox 5 pts

That analogy is the best I have heard regarding the situation. Thank you for sharing it with me. I believe in the power of stories. They teach, heal and they help us feel less alone.

AnnQuirk 5 pts

Just visiting from another Site...your post was absolutely fantastic. 

It also reminds me of when I got Married, and subsequently Divorced.....it's interesting how we often (mistakenly) feel we're the only ones who could ever feel a certain way, and then you realize it's much more common than you could have ever thought.

Thank you for such a great article!

- AnnQ

www.averagebutnot.com ( http://www.averagebutnot.com )

Bill Cammack 5 pts

Nice Write-Up! :D

Unfortunately, historically, women haven't been trained to believe that being single their entire lives is a viable option.  This is because in a Patriarchal society, there needs to be a way to ensure that even the less-attractive men can "get girls" by appealing to their desire to be wanted and/or loved.

Baby dolls, strollers and ovens are not TOYS. :)  The goal is to get girls used to what they'll be doing in the future as women, or perhaps to train them to WANT to take care of kids, cook and clean in the future.

Meanwhile, boys don't have this problem and then you wonder why there are so many deadbeat dads...

So, yes.  Women are generally brainwashed to believe that they SHOULD be in a relationship and that's bolstered by the idea that they WILL be in a relationship ("There's someone for everyone").  This is obviously and statistically not guaranteed by any means.  Even women that "make it" to a long-term relationship don't necessarily STAY in it for the rest of their lives.  Lots of women are never in LTRs at all.

So.. It's rather healthy to consider that maybe you're not the relationship type.  IMO, relationships are supposed to be a natural occurrance.  In a lot of cases, people settle for whomever happens to be around... the best of the worst, actually.  Also, as much as you might like someone as a person, that doesn't mean you can dedicate yourself to them.  Some people, for instance, are narcissists ( http://billcammack.com/2008/11/16/dating-a-narciss... )... and already in love with themselves. :D

~ Bill ( http://billcammack.com/ )
I blog at billcammack.com ( http://billcammack.com/ )

( http://billcammack.com )

chregan 5 pts

Wow. I was simply absorbed into your posting. Very unusual for me, during the work-day, to become so mesmerized -- thank you for your gift.

Seems that Magnus didn't hate you, rather he hated himself.

Not the relationship kind? Well, I just had a "fling" with a woman I knew in high school. However, it wasn't supposed to be a fling, as I heard/witnessed/saw it. She found me on a professional networking site, emailed, and one thing led to another and she flew down, I flew up, the 'love' word was constant, and then after 5 weeks -- plop, no more, she's back with husband and flipped a switch that said 'well, he's done'. So, and we've all been there (right?), I started to think "am I not the relationship kind", am I defective in some way?

Two weeks now passed have healed so very much. I have recalled that I'm still friends with former women from relationships (even high school) though we all live so far away from one another (not defective?). So, it's best for me to really, really have the crazy radar detection set at its very highest level -- doing so will yield another healthy, fruitful relationship. Time heals everything. 

Kindness,

Chris 

Son of Life, and I won't forget it.

beachgrrl 5 pts

Your piece was exactly what I needed after a frustrating breakup last month that felt so awkward, yet strangely familiar.

We were total opposites and I had once tried to explain to him my view of our relationship. I likened us to a girl and a boy on the beach.  At the start of each day, he would rise early and meticulously build a sand castle for hours on end, while I slept in, then happily went off w/my pail in search of seashells for hours on end.  Each day, as dusk would approach, I'd return, pail overflowing, and abuzz with stories about the people I'd encountered during my travels, the new type of shell I'd discovered, the undiscovered shores I'd walked upon, and the countless lessons I'd learned.  Meanwhile, each day, his castle became bigger and more ornate.  As the light would fade, he'd listen patiently as I regaled him with my tales.  And I'd "ooh and aah" over his ever-burgeoning castle. We laughed at my little analogy and he told me, "you know me so well."

But as our relationship began to crumble, he said to me one day, "what happens if while you're off gathering seashells, you stumble across someone more interesting and you forget to come back to me?"  I countered, "what happens if high tide washes your castle away and you decide that the beach is not an appropriate place to build a proper foundation?"

We promised each other that could never happen, then laughed uneasily. But, as you so eloquently put it: "If you listen to your heart and don't let what you wish were true cloud
your intuition, you can always sense when something is over."

Life's daughter may very well continue on her journey, never to return. And Pragmatism's son may be better off finding more solid ground on which to build. I'm still sad, but your blog is the first thing I've read that finally helps me to make some sense of all of this. 

Thank you for writing your lush & beautiful piece. You unlocked something in me this evening that I was stoically refusing to open.

may12garcia 5 pts

I am a newly wed person and I am scared of DIVORCE and reading your post make me think things out. I hope my marriage will last forever and I hope you will be happy as you go along with your life.

  ( http://www.prlinkservices.com )

Google Page Rank ( http://www.prlinkservices.com )

avflox 5 pts

Oh! How wonderful that you found someone who could match you and run alongside you and inspire you and drive you the way you need in order to continue on your path to self-fulfillment. This is a wonderful and rare thing you have, my dear, and I am very glad to know that it's possible to find, along the way, someone who is just as much a child of Life as you are.

avflox 5 pts

We're birds of a feather, you and I. I knew it the first time I read your musings on the topic. A lot of people think the conclusion that we don't desire a marriage (or a relationship) comes as a result of having had one or many terrible relationships, and while this may apply to others, it doesn't for us.

My relationships were not horrific, crippling experiences. They were simply combinations that did not work out in the long-term. I don't regret any of them. I just don't think I am cut out for the sort of relationship most people want and I am finally at peace with what it means.

I have a feeling this is the case for you, as well.

avflox 5 pts

"Maybe I should just stick to what I know. Still, I sure would like to find someone to do it all with me."

We're human--we thrive in a group that accepts and understands.

I look back at all my adventures and mad loves and I never see myself alone. I have friends who have been with me through all of this, both sister and brother children of Life and not, and I can't help but think that this is more than enough, these amazing bonds that survive so much, and give back so much. I can see myself growing old with them, no matter the distance between us.

That's not to say lovers can't be friends, but I don't think I have never told a lover as much as I have told a dear friend, and a lover rarely possesses the understanding of my history the way a friend that has lived it with me does. Is this the essential difference? Were you best friends with your lovers?

RenaissanceTrophyWife 5 pts

I used to think that nobody on earth was right for me, could fill the spaces I left blank and provide an outlet when I needed one. I decided I was going to settle, just to be married and have kids who I would love much more than their father... and I was going to get an ironclad prenup and just live my life the way I wanted to, taking the guy along for the ride and if he didn't like it, he could leave.  What?  I have loyal, intelligent friends and thought my life would be not perfect, but good enough, which is about as close as anyone gets these days.

Then I met HIM and he dissolved all of that.  And now I am just amazed that life managed to put us together when I could've started out on a destructive path that would've ended up far from happy.

You truly are Life's Daughter (I love how your mother reminds me of mine) and I think as you said, Mother knows best. Lovely post...  Now am off to browse through your archives and drink up more of your writing.  Thanks so much for posting this.

Renaissance Trophy Wife: modern lifestyle investments for women who want it all

http://www.renaissancetrophywife.com

Kristin Darguzas 5 pts

In recognition, all of it.  I've never heard the term Life's Daughter before, never knew she existed, but I've seen her in the mirror every morning for the last 34 years. 

What a beautiful, enlightening, emotional piece. 

Nordette Adams 6 pts

I think the first time I read your writing, I was struck by its beauty and lyrical flow. This piece falls into that category as well.

You and I have had some open discussions about this sense of not being cut out for relationships, or in the case of my very old post on which you commented, possibly not being cut for marriage ( http://www.blogher.com/are-you-marriage-material-e... ).  

I revisit the thought in my head maybe too much, especially after I've been around a couple that's been together for a long time. And lately, the feeling's been stronger that even a relationship for now would not suit me. I say "for now" but on some days I feel like never again.  Not that I've had a bad relationship since my divorce, but I just haven't had any connection that I feel is worth the work I'd need to do to be fair to the other person. 

As we've tossed around before, it could be I'm selfish. For instance, when I'm writing, I'm writing and I don't want interruptions. Most men I've met in my age group don't like that. They like the idea of the woman comes when they call her. 

But it could be simply I'm going through a growth period that requires independence.

Your mother had wise words for you, "Life's daughter."  Even if one day you find the perfect mate, you'll probably still be that and the perfect mate for you will be happy that you are.

BTW, one of my favorite songs is "Live Close By, Visit Often ( http://www.rhapsody.com/k-t-oslin/live-close-by-vi... )" by KT Oslin for the lyrics. I heard it while running into men who wanted to be married. You may get a kick out of it.

Nordette ( http://blogher.org/blog/nordette ): BlogHer CE and NOLA Lit Examiner ( http://nola101.com ). Blogs @ WSATA ( http://bigsole.blogspot.com ) & UMBOP ( http://urbanpsalms.blogspot.com ).

Heather Clisby 5 pts

Thanks for the incredible articulation of what I have always suspected about myself. The only difference is, I have wasted so much brain space thinking that I was being rejected by my loves all along but when I stopped to look back, I realized I had been the one who moved on. Perhaps I am not the relationship type? I have this thought too often. 

I always think of that Leonard Cohen line: "Let's be alone together ..." and wonder if that might be an option for me. 

Also, like you, my life is crazy full of adventure and impulsive experiences. I have numerous friends who constantly remind me that they live vicariously since their lives are full of husbands, jobs and kids. "Your job here on Earth to get the most out of life and have fun," a friend once said to me, "and you do it better than anyone."

Maybe I should just stick to what I know. Still, I sure would like to find someone to do it all with me. 

~ClizBiz 

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal Concerns, Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

avflox 5 pts

A healing ceremony? That sounds like a wonderful, amazing idea. I wonder whether my husband would one day be open to it?

Thank you for sharing that. It means a lot.

CEEBEE 5 pts

It has been 18 months since our healing ceremony, a kind of reverse wedding, where we freed and forgave each other and I am still here. I have not worked as hard at finding a job as I should have. I think at the back of my mind I think I will one day wake up and find my marriage the happy one of yore. Magical thinking, that.

Thank you for sharing your life and loves and perspective. Each of us has our own timeline. I do realize I do not have infinite time in this body, though. Thanks for the kick in the brain.

Love, CB

Julie Ross Godar 5 pts

Thank you. Wonderful, thought-provoking reading.

avflox 5 pts

You're a daughter of Life as well! I hope you find your resolve. There is too much to live for us to let uncertainty paralyze us. Change is within and without, let's ride it.

avflox 5 pts

I can imagine. Now you're a daughter of Life, but more than that, you're a mother. That changes everything... without changing anything at all. :)

 Your kids are lucky to have a mom like you.

avflox 5 pts

I think that without the context of my life, from infancy to adulthood, it would be easy to come to this conclusion. But my mother has not only been an excellent mother since the day I was born, she is my best friend. When she said to me that I am Life's daughter, she wasn't rejecting me so much as making the point that unlike a child who listens to her mother, I am the child who listens to Life.

That's not rejection to me, but the understanding that could only come from someone who knows me as well and as intimately as a good mother.

JulietR 5 pts

I relate and understand where you are coming from. I too have always felt like I was 'not the relationship type.' I always felt that the only person I could commit to was myself and my life experiences. I never 'needed' anyone.

I just came out of a relationship with the only guy I have ever been able to stand still with. He was the only person I ever felt "settled" with. And my gut instinct tells me he is all I will ever have like that. He always felt I wasn't meant for a man, but for life. And so here I am, trying to find the resolve to get back in the game and figure out my destiny. 

Thank you for your entry. It really moved me.

Erin Kotecki Vest 5 pts

...and then I had a child, and so so so much changed. Or did it?

Yes. it did. but didn't. but did. but didn't.

but did. and then another child and it did. but didn't. but did.

Politics & News Contributing Editor
Queen of Spain ( http://queenofspainblog.com/ )

She Who 5 pts

was cruel and being a poor mother to so thoroughly reject you. "Daughter of Life" my ass. Reading this makes me want to say for you, "Mom, get a freaking grip! I'm YOUR daughter, just as much as my sister is, and I want to be claimed as such."

The writing is lovely, however.

http://www.blogher.com/blog/she-who

avflox 5 pts

I always joke I am something of a cat because my life is so full, it feels like it has encompassed more than one life. I counted and I'm at seven. Growing up in Peru they always said cats have seven lives, not nine, so I better make this new metamorphosis count!

avflox 5 pts

That's just how I felt when I was browsing your blog. I feel I can identify with so much that you say. You're a daughter of Life, too. That makes us sisters!

avflox 5 pts

I hope you do show it to your mother! Thank you for your lovely words.

avflox 5 pts

This column is my memoir, and all the comments and women who are touched by it are an extension of the journey I am making, so in the end, if I get the chance to look back, my story will be less of a river with a natural progression to the sea, and more of a web, touching and being touched the stories of others who run after their dreams.

avflox 5 pts

It's important to not see something like this as a failure, but as a part of life and to value it despite the pain for all the lessons it has brought. The most important thing is to keep going, keep seeking, keep living and keep being who one is.

I don't mean one should stand staunchly against compromise, but there is compromise and there is betrayal. Both my husband and I tried our hand at compromise, but it wasn't enough. To have continued when we knew we could not give one another enough would have been to betray ourselves. We chose not to do it. It was a hard but brave decision--one that needed to be made--in our case.

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, my mother is a very, very special woman. I wouldn't be without her--in every sense of that notion.

moonfever0 5 pts

I know that you are younger than I am, and yet your life as been so rich. I hope you can find happiness after divorce.

Angela at mommy bytes ( http://www.mommybytes.com )
BlogHer Contributing Editor in Mommy & Family Cribsheet

Laracolvin 5 pts

I wonder if it's just me, or if all of "Life's daughters" are sitting here feeling heard, feeling seen after reading this post. How many times I have said, "there is just nothing casual about me"...

Thank you for reinforcing the beauty in that. 

Lara

Notions of Identity ( http://www.notionsofidentity.com )

alsjax 5 pts

I really enjoyed reading this today, honest and real. Life's daughter, I will have to show this to my mother. Stay true to your own path. Amy S

http://mountainjobs.com/blog

sugarbritches26 5 pts

Great piece. Your voice is so vibrant and sensual and well...full of life. You should penn a memoir, if you haven't already. 

A.A.

Candelaria Silva 5 pts

Thanks for sharing such a wonderful assessment of leaving a relationship when you are Life's Daughter.  What a phrase!  Your mother is special to have coined it!

 As Life's Daughter you may find your journey forward one of solitude, intense friendships, partnership and/or marriage.  How empowering it must be that you can move on despite the pain and self-reflection moving on engenders.

Continue to be you.

blog.candelariasilva.com

examiner.com/x-2478-Boston-Domestic-Issues_Examiner

Good and plenty!