- Share This Post
- Pin It
- 0
-
Sparkle (0)
Couples and Tips on Preventing Arguments
The other day I was in the car with my spouse, who was driving. He needed to retrieve a business message on his phone. As is our custom, I was ready to take notes for him as a favor. This voice message was broken up and difficult to understand. I saw he was getting frustrated. I interrupted him with a 'helpful' suggestion to switch to the speaker to which he responded, "Now I lost the whole message because you were talking." My emotions swelled as I felt blamed and chastised. What was the big deal? Replay it!
Although I knew he was frustrated and his words were simple, I took offense at his "tone" and let it dump me into an instant fight response. My thoughts screamed out, "Well, take your own (cuss word)-ing messages!" But then I inhaled a breath of silence and quickly assessed my goal. Get back at him? Chew his ass out? Get even with rudeness? Start a fight? Stuff my feelings? Or let this die quickly, see how I could help, and deal with it later?
I kept my emotion packed comment to myself and chose the latter goal. I sensed I was not his intended target and he was likely oblivious to the intensity of his comment and how it blew me away. I chose to speak calmly and help him with the message.
Several minutes later I asked, "Do you realize that what you said hit me so hard that I instantly was ready to blast you back with, "Take your own (cuss word)-ing messages!" He was amazed, apologized, explained his frustration, and apologized again. He thanked me for connecting with him about my feelings and not letting the situation pass without resolution. He appreciated that I did not stuff it.
With no saint or a villain declared, we were only two people working to correct miscommunication and prevent a relationship breach. My husband is emotionally expressive--- usually delightfully so; but the best of everyone's emotions can run amok when we are upset.
So you might be asking why did I bother to bring it up at all when I knew he meant no harm? Isn't this just nit picking? Does he have to walk on eggshells with me? Shouldn't I just grow a thicker skin? My goal with bringing it up was both to desensitize myself by confirming I was not the intended target and request that he sensitize himself to his emotional expressiveness under stress. In other words, we both need to work at reducing these unpleasant exchanges.
We danced smoothly back to our emotionally smart and connected path--- several paces advanced from where we were before this learning event. Our relationship grew again this day because I withheld my flaming reaction and later took a risk calmly exposing my feelings while my husband accepted my invitation to discuss it, owned his responsibility, and did not minimize my feelings.
Couples frequently have opportunities like this to increase emotional awareness and intimacy. Do you take advantage of them to build more closeness? How? Or why not? Add your voice.
DrCoachLove.com
