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Laurie: I just yelled at my best friend who had open-heart surgery five days ago. What on earth is wrong with me?
elizabeth: Would you like the list alphabetically or can I just wing it and go with what comes to mind first?
Laurie: If I tell you that she responded to my said-in-encouragement-to-her-progress “Life goes on” with “Of course,” would you understand then? Well, of course you would. Saying “of course” means that my question/comment was unnecessary. Everyone should know the answer to that. Of course. That is such an obvious statement that you didn’t have to make it. Of course. Parse it out, people. What the hell does “of course” mean anyway? It’s a part of a normal configuration? It’s on track of a natural path? It’s a game plan that’s proceeding as planned? Nothing, it means none of those! It says “Laurie, you’re stupid. Please don’t bother me with a question or comment that requires such an obvious response.” Yeah, if it’s so normal, tell me what the hell “of course” means then.
elizabeth: I looked up “of course” naturally and it means as might be expected. I am going back to my fallout shelter until a certain storm passes. But before I go, there is not a book for us to refer to when people we like and care about go through life altering experiences. Nothing. When my darling friend David died, the head of a school that I was doing fund raising for said to me that at least he was no longer in pain. I wanted to drop her on her head. For I do believe that he should have never ever suffered like he did. Of course. I would and still feel that way. Of course.
Laurie: Another red flag is a cashier who punches away at her register, abusing my purchase items with abandon as she shoves them in the to-be-carelessly-thrown-into-a-bag section, and then looks at me when the total appears on the machine. Yes? You want money from me? That will require you opening your mouth and telling me the price. I sometimes pretend that I’m intuitive but not for free and not in the produce store. See, I worked for that money, and at some point I expect to use it in my every day living. But you want me to pretend that I can see the register screen under your pictures of your children, your cats, and Jesus; intuit that the transaction is done; respond to your blank stare; and reach into my purse and give you my money. That’s not how I got the money in the first place, and that sure as hell is not how you are going to get it from me. Are your really bored with your ho-hum job? When I ask you how much, tell me the secret total and follow it with “of course.” Bored no more.
elizabeth: I just hope on the way home from the grocery store that you didn’t bite the heads off complete strangers and set Central Park on fire. They did report a suspicious fire on the Great Lawn that was covered with headless bodies. My lips are sealed.
