Crappy Life Expert
I've never written a blog. I'm not doing this for any kind of recognition. I need to get out all the entangled, emotionally enthralled thoughts, screams, tear filled regrets and un-ending doubts from my mind. I will try to give somewhat of a back ground of me. Try..
I am blessed. Right now, at this moment..I am blessed. I have 3 amazing children, well they are teenagers. Each one is individualy extraordinary. My daughter is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. My oldest son is awesome with the guitar. My youngest son is impressively intellegent. I live in a beautiful 3 bedroom brick home with a swimming pool in a prominent neighborhood. I drive a sportscar. I have a boyfriend that loves me entirely. 5 dogs, a cat, and 4 fish tanks. I have what many would call 'the life'. But it's an illusion.
Now this isn't another rich girl whining blah blah or a rags to riches thing. I'm a 34 yr old bi-polar, menapausal virtually friendless, estranged from my family, etc. woman that hasn't been in love in almost 10 yrs. And my children? Well, my oldest son lives with his drug addicted, semi-abusive father. My daughter thinks she is ugly and struggles severely in school due to this extremly low self esteem therefore is headed down a horrible path of misery by associating with the wrong people. Boys that just want ass. Girls that give ass away for fun. And my youngest? Well, he was once my prize. My genius child that would redeem me somehow. My chance to do it right. Which I did for the 1st 7 yrs of his life (mostly). Then we went through some big changes and somehow I stopped doing it right and he got left behind for a bit. I am now trying to figure out and rebuild what was broken.
They all have different fathers from different walks of life. And, other than my oldest, do not have them in their lives. My daughter's was an evil man. A disgusting, hateful, cruel..unworthy to be called a 'man'..man. He beats, rapes, forces prostitution on women and, unfortunately, abused my daughter as well. My son has never met his father. I only knew him for 4 months. Actually, I didn't know him at all. I discovered some papers hidden in a tear in the seat of his truck one day basically telling me that the person I knew wasn't the person he was. Despite my son's loss of a father, I kicked him out and never looked back. I do feel it was the first time I actually stood up for myself and did the right thing.
And me? Well, I'm absolutely miserable. I'm a 34 year old woman with a family of self centered idiots that wouldn't know the meaning of family if it fell on their judgemental laps, slapped in the face and screamed, "Wake up dumbass! Your family needs you!" White trash, redneck, biker/trucker blue collar asses that don't even realize the pain they inflict on other family members and don't seem to care. I have been molested, beaten, neglected, degraded and forgotten by my father, mother, grandparents, cousins and their friends. I have been on welfare my entire life. Pregnant at 17. A prostitute at 18. A single mother of 3 by the age of 22. I've been married twice. Once to the father of my first son and then to a man I met at church. Both of course ended in disaster.
Now I know that I am the only one to really blame for my life. I have a choice in everything and I have made some pretty damn stupid ones. But, believe it or not, I made almost all of them with good intentions. Just like the one I made and continue to make everyday that has given me this home. But, like I said, I am miserable. I don't love the man I'm with. My kids do not care for him. He is fat, lazy, boring and oblivious to parenthood. He has bad breath, horrible body odor (due to the fat crevaces) and drives me up the fucking wall. But he loves me and provides me and my children with a home I wished I could have had growing up. I lived in trashy trailers with roaches and broken toilets. I had to dig in dumpsters for cans so my parents could buy drugs. My best friend was a dog that my step-dad ended up shooting because she would run off and get pregnant all the time. He put her last litter in a small cage; drowned them in the creek, then shot her. The only real 'toy' I had was a pink Huffy bicycle that ended up being sold for parts so my stepdad could get a fix or two. Basically, I'm a crappy life expert. I just need to learn how to succeed a not so crummy life. I hope this blog can help me do that.