BlogHer - The Engagement Ring: It's Time to Let Go. - Comments

Coolest chef's hat ever

Lisa Stone — Sun, 05 Nov 2006 10:40:23 -0600

Sorry for the conversational drift everyone, but I just had to comment. Welcome litcritter! Am I right - is it a chef's hat?

Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder
Surfette

I half agree

Morra Aarons Mele — Sun, 05 Nov 2006 09:30:12 -0600

Liz-

I wear a 2 carat diamond engagement ring. I did not ask for it, and I did not expect it. My fiance (actually my husband, we got married in a civil ceremony last week) took it up himself to choose and buy for me.

I sometimes have mixed feelings about wearing such a big, shiny symbol of my traditional commitment. I feel materialistic, greedy, spoiled. I hide my fingers at night when walking through the city. In my social work classes I feel very self-conscious.

But you know what- this was my husband's choice for me as an expression not only of his love, but of his pride that I agreed to be his wife. I take that very seriously, I honor it, and I love my ring.

Google This

pamelina77 — Sun, 05 Nov 2006 03:40:35 -0600

I googled "I don't want an engagement ring," to find out whether or not I was the only one. Yours is the second entry, here's the first. More supporters there, but a great discussion here.

I agree with Liz that words and "things" and symbols are extremely powerful and need to be analyzed, examined and questioned. Approaching this marriage thing is huge, and I am gobbling up all the information I can get my hands on; I just want to make good personal decisions for myself rather than getting swept up in the industry of it all.

What happened with me was, we hired a family friend who is also a jewelry designer to make a ring out of my deceased father's wedding band to my mom and my mom's original engagement ring from dad (by the way, she kept the diamond and had a new ring designed to incorporate diamonds from two other engagement rings!). The center stone is rose quartz, which symbolizes unconditional love. The problem is, I love this ring so much that I feel like I don't need a wedding band too.

I think I'll go ahead and wear it as an engagement ring, then take it off and let him give it to me again during the wedding ceremony. I think people oughta just do what's right in their hearts and minds, what feels good to the soul. Thanks, Liz, for reminding us to do that.

P.S. I love electronics =)

Ah, interesting...

Deaf Mom — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 17:12:06 -0500

At the age of 22, I couldn't wait for the day that I could show off a sparkling diamond on my left hand.

Seventeen years later, the marriage is still good and the ring still sparkles. But because life is so short-- I'm contemplating selling the diamond for a jet ski...

In my heart, what matters most is the strength of the marriage, not the steel of the ring.

Karen
"Life is too short to pout all the time."
A Deaf Mom Shares Her World

Somewhere in the middle, I guess

litcritter — Wed, 27 Sep 2006 09:17:44 -0500

I didn't give my wife a ring when I proposed. Couldn't really say why, but it seemed like the right thing not to do. As it turned out, she had her grandmother's ring she wanted to wear, which was good, as I'm not a big fan of diamonds or gold, for all the reasons laid out so far. So I didn't give her a ring, but she did wear one, as did I.

The only person who gave us a hard time about it was her mother. Huh.

Personally, I think it's more about the relationship than the ring. If the relationship's not right, the ring may chafe. And there are always those who are so fixated on the ring that they pay no attention to the relationship at all.

I'm with Liz

gyrovague — Wed, 27 Sep 2006 08:07:32 -0500

To each their own, of course. But like Liz, I have no interest in diamonds. I think Anil Dash summed it up very well in his infamous post a couple of years ago, Diamonds are for never.

I personally prefer to take exception to certain cultural norms and forego jewels and big weddings. Both the jewelry and wedding industries are guilty of perpetuating various out-moded misogynistic stereotypes. While I'm sure there are plenty of diamond-bearing women/couples who are exceptions to those stereotypes, I don't feel inclined to feed the corporate frenzy.

For purely pragmatic reasons, I think spending wads of cash on jewelry (of any sort, frankly), gowns, and ceremonies is rather foolish. Of course, I come from a working class family in which every penny counts. But I'd much rather spend that wad of cash on a down payment on a house, thank you very much!

I kept my last name, had a tiny wedding ceremony with 2 witnesses, and my husband and I each wear only a silver wedding band. If that makes me freakish, well then, long live freaks:)

a smart investment

Melba — Wed, 27 Sep 2006 08:01:38 -0500

For me having an engagement ring just seemed silly. My husband didn't get down on one knee and propose to me. We talked about getting married and then told everyone, "Hey we are getting married!" Over and over again I was asked where is the ring and how did he propose? But why is it his choice? Me sitting there waiting for him to ask me? We talked about a ring, but it seemed so silly when what we really wanted was a down payment for a house. When it was my birthday that year together we picked out a little band that I wore on my engagement finger and soon after my Mom threw us a little engagement party so the families could meet. Today(7 years later) we have our own home and are not in debt (other than our affordable morgage)
If you are not married yet, think about it...is that ring really worth it? Tastes and times change, you probably won't love it the same 5 years from now as you do today. Invest the money in your future....

I love the sparkle of a

Deirdre — Sat, 23 Sep 2006 12:04:41 -0500

I love the sparkle of a diamond as much as the next woman, but when the time came for the Big "E" I demurred. My primary reason was that I could not imagine wearing something so expensive on my finger, where it might slip off or crack apart if I went about living life. A secondary reason was that I just did not want to buy into the mythos that the diamond industry has created in our culture.

I don't expect everyone to be like me, but I do feel disappointment when I never meet anyone in real life who has made the same decisions. (I did not take my husband's last name after the wedding, either.) Although I am secure in my choices, reading that some few others have come to similar conclusions is gratifying. Or- dang, it feels good to feel like less of a freak.

Deirdre, Liminal Musings

I like you, Liz!

Mom101 — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 14:23:31 -0500

I don't know that I agree with every word you're saying, but I certainly like you for saying it and thinking about it in the first place.

We have yet to get married for a number of reasons. When we do, I will end up paying for the ring, since I'm the one with the dough and he's the SAH parent. But I think I still want one--one that he picks out as a way of saying, "I love you so much that I went and got you this very pretty thing that you wanted."

I agree that the tradional reason for the ring is antiquated. But then, so are the traditional reasons for marriage (and thus monogamy) which were all about familial alliances and raising one's status and so forth.

The way I see it, if it makes you happy and doesn't signify a man's ownership of you according to the rules of your own relationship then go for it.

Also? Why bridal guides cater to women? Men don't give a shit, that's why. Except in Massachussets, Vermont and Hawaii. And briefly, New Paltz, NY.

did anyone mention the history of the engagement ring?

eliaday — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 13:39:27 -0500

i'm sorry... the responses are so long that i can't get through them all here at work.

but, the history of the engagement ring makes me against wedding rings - a woman was supposed to use the ring to sell and live off of that money when her husband passed away. which is nice and all, but continues to suggest that women are not independent and cannot support themselves.

about me - i'm a single engagement-ring-less mom. the only thing that i would ever say that is positive about an engagement ring is that it suggests that a man is financially ready to help support others - his partner, his family, whoeever. my ex couldn't afford an engagement ring. we made each other hemp bracelets. right now, he can barely afford child support. it sort of sucks, and it makes me think that he wasn't ready to get married in the first place.

oh, this 'opens a can of

grnidlady — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 13:02:10 -0500

oh, this 'opens a can of worms' for me as one of my sons is engaged...liz said, "I stand by my belief that in the long run and in the big picture, women would be better off not starting a marriage with a financially and emotionally lopsided tradition." i can't tell you how much stress my son and future d-i-l feel over planning their wedding and the cost involved. they feel very pressured into how many to invite and not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings...to not wanting to spend too much money. they love each other deeply and are very commited but the stress of planning a wedding is something that i don't think they imagined when they first got engaged.

Lizzie aka grnidlady
Green Eyed Lady's View

Liz, all of my friends were

grnidlady — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 12:30:12 -0500

Liz, all of my friends were amazed by the fact that my husband to be and i were both wearing 'engagement' rings. to me it was really something special and i was proud that not only was i wearing his ring, he was wearing mine. it was a visible statement of our commitment to each other. it worked for us, but i also understand and believe in 'to each his own'.
Lizzie aka grnidlady
Green Eyed Lady's View

It's a deal.

Liz Rizzo — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 11:36:35 -0500

:) Good, thought-provoking conversation.

Liz Rizzo

Everyday Goddess

SexySmart Blog

Promisory troths..

debra roby — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 10:12:27 -0500

I know that often a small ring of some type was given to the lady as a bit of a promissory pledge. It was proof that the male could provide for her, would purchase the dowry (if that was tradition).

Myself. I do NOT have an engagement ring. Never really wanted one, needed my car replaced the same time we got married, so we bought a car together as our sign of "betrothal". We purchased $25 gold bands from Service Merchandise (why do so many of us here remember getting our rings there?).

I quit wearing my band about 2 years after I married; I always took it off during gardening/canning season and just didn't put it back on. The spouser removed his when I fed him too well for it to fit anymore. (besides, working in a lab means the ring was a safety issue).

Now neither of us wears any rings. We're probably more married now then we were when we did rings, though.

Debra
A Stitch In Time
Deb's Daily Distractions

Whether we like it or not, there is meaning

Suzanne Reisman — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 09:58:28 -0500

When I was engaged, I did get a ring. I happen to love my ring. I wanted a very small one for a variety of reasons. And here's where the societal expectations (probably a symptom of class and living in NYC) slapped me in the face. I was constantly judged - as was Husband - for having a small ring. People wanted to know what was wrong with him that he didn't buy me a bigger one. They assumed it meant that he didn't really love me. On the flip side, I never "showed it off" after I got it because I didn't think it was a big deal. Someone actually once pulled me aside and advised me to call off the wedding because she could tell that I didn't really want to marry Husband. Her evidence? I didn't basically stick my ring in people's faces the second I saw them to convey my new status as an engaged woman.

Obviously, not everyone is this wrapped in social status or materialistic. But I was shocked at how common this reaction was, which is why I think that Liz is onto something. It's not that women should not ever get engagement rings, but where is the balance to what is expected of each party? I told my husband about this whole discussion, and he advised people to create a new tradition of giving men engagement sceptors. Clearly this will not solve the inequality issue, although I like the idea of creating a new tradition in which each party gives the other a meaningful token (to be decided amongst tthemselves) to show their new level of commitment.

As an aside, I'm going to throw in the idea of gay marriage and how a new tradition would be more inclusive of all people. The idea of a man giving a woman an engagement ring does not play out when two women or two men get engaged.

Suzanne, BlogHer Contributing Editor - Feminsim & Gender
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS)& Other Rants

The Engagement Ring: It's Time to Let Go.

Liz Rizzo — Wed, 20 Sep 2006 10:31:15 -0500

My engagement ring was absolutely gorgeous.

It was nothing I would wear now. Not only because when I called off my wedding I switched to silver, but because should I ever become engaged again, I don't want an engagement ring.

I think it's time for women to let the engagement ring go.

For me, specifically, it always felt a little creepy, the inequity of it all. I wasn't in the position where I was cajoling to get married - in fact, I was totally surprised by the proposal, so in my mind I justified the ring as completely his choice, his gift. So I could ignore any antiquated meanings, right?

Except, why didn't he wear one again? Why was my status suddenly projected to the world and not his? So much for "Ms."

And the ring came up in discussion after discussion about why I wasn't changing my last name - something that could hardly have been a surprise to him. But perhaps it was one of the many personality traits he thought I would "grow out of" when I "grew up."

I couldn't understand why I would change my last name. Most women still do, I know, but for me, my name is a major part of my identity. Plus, I knew for a fact that changing it was a major pain, and I knew for a fact that he wasn't changing his. "Why am I changing my name and you're not changing yours?"

"You have an engagement ring, and I don't."

"I didn't ask for this!"

It was pretty. It was shiny. Truth be told, I loved it. And I felt like I took my soul back when I slipped it off and returned it.

Sometimes, we lose good things when we choose bigger things that are best for us.

I was raised Christian, primarily Episcopalian. When I walked away from the church and embraced my true spiritual beliefs there is no doubt I lost the many truly valuable things a church offers. Community, social services, tradition, ceremony. When you walk away from the church, you have to find these things somewhere else, and that can be difficult, sometimes impossible. You have to make your own traditions and ceremonies. You have to count on your community for social services. Sometimes you have to face tough moral issues without a book to point to and an entire religion to back up your convictions. It's hard, and I'll be honest, I miss Christmas Eve mass. I miss singing in church. But I am not Christian, and so I gave up those things I loved in my heart for the truths I hold in my heart, soul and mind.

I bring this up not to challenge religion. I respect and would fight to defend everyone's freedom of religion. I bring this up to say you can't have your equality cake and wear your pretty ring, too.

When I think of two pairs of hands, each with a wedding band and neither with an overpriced, commercialized and antiquated purchase... well, in that pair of hands I see meaning, I see partnership, I see equality, I see love, I see strength.

I suspect most women aren't ready to give up the engagement ring. For one thing, we are far, far away from feminism's ultimate promise, and in this middle land, it is often true that the sacrifices for freedom and equality are still mostly made by women. Giving up that engagement ring surely feels like one more sacrifice, and your partner doing one load of laundry a month and being praised like a god just for showing up for one wedding meeting or one playdate probably doesn't seem like equality. The entire wedding industry expects you, the bride, to spend months and months of your life planning a wedding and then the whole world takes back what you were told for your first ten years of adulthood and expects you to pick up your wifely duties and work that job feminism fought so hard to get you. I bet that ring feels only fair. Something to cling to. One battle where you just want to take the shiny and close your eyes to what it really means.

Only you can't, really, can you?

Still not fair? You bet. Women still have to lead the way.

We have to let the engagement ring go.

Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess and the SexySmart Blog.