BlogHer - Bye-bye, Baby: Un-adopting a Child - Comments

Having been a foster parent

khumphrey — Sat, 14 Oct 2006 01:20:37 -0500

Having been a foster parent to teenagers with similar issues like this boy had, I can empathize with the foster parent.

She may have been experienced, but even the most experienced people get in over their heads. Kids come to you and sometimes you know that they are troubled, but the full extent of their problems may not really be known for years. She was forced to choose between the kids in her care, her grandchildren, and this boy. Think about the implications...she could lose ALL the kids if he molested them, and she wasn't willing to take that chance. I wouldn't be willing either. She has a responsibility to keep all the children in her care safe and with him there, it's not possible. I wonder if she feels that she was duped into the adoption because the system had nowhere else to place him.

There needs to be a better system for these kids and more support for foster parents. While we didn't adopt any of our kids, we had to make tough decisions based on the safety of the rest of the kids as well.

the damage is done

Lisa Okuhn — Fri, 13 Oct 2006 23:52:25 -0500

I see that there were and are problems with disclosure here. But I also agree with becks_mommy and Beth when they say that a commitment to parenthood is not revocable. I was given up by my mother and then by my first foster family for various, possibly good, reasons, but it would have been a much different story if I'd felt less disposable. It's probably the same for this poor kid and I'm afraid it's only going to get worse.
Lisa from That's Empress to You

Good point re the inherent risks of parenting

mothergoosemouse — Fri, 13 Oct 2006 12:27:04 -0500

I like what becks_mommy and Beth had to say about the risks we take whether we give birth or adopt. Many children who've been born into loving homes and families still have terrible problems, and their parents struggle as adoptive parents do too.

That said, if the caseworkers purposely kept information from the adoptive parents, then that is wrong. The adoptive parents deserve to have as much information up front as possible to aid in their decision-making.

mothergoosemouse

Bye Bye Baby

Dreama — Wed, 11 Oct 2006 13:44:51 -0500

I agree with Terri. She did adopt that child and has had him in her home for quite a while. A lot of our children don't turn out quite the way we hope, but we just can't stop loving them for it. It is terrible what he has done to others, but she could put him in a half-way house or something and not just throw him away. The outcome of this will affect him the rest of his life. I do think she has an obligation to get him away from the rest of the children he is around. These children shouldn't suffer because of him. There is no easy answer for this problem, however throwing this child away isn't the answer either.

I didn't read the entire article, but as an adoptive parent ....

Beth Kanter — Wed, 11 Oct 2006 10:20:06 -0500

My children are adopted from Cambodia, not US. They might not be alive today if they weren't brought into our family - given the high infant death rate and horrible poverty in Cambodia.

Nonethless, as part of the adoption process, we really had to ask ourselves -- what happens if we the child doesn't turns out as becks-mommy says above? We took a deep breath and said we'd love the child(ren) no matter what ... part of the risk of parenting - either adopted or birth.

We've been blessed with two beautiful, healthy, normal, loving children ... yes there are times when I'm ready to tear my hair out.

sad, sad, sad

becks_mommy — Tue, 10 Oct 2006 19:32:21 -0500

I have not read the article. I do not know what she and this child have been through. But as a mother I struggle with the idea of unadopting. Each time we give birth or adopt, we risk that our child may not live up to the hopes, dreams and expectations that we have for him or her. This is a reality whether we raise a child from birth or take over the parenting later in the child's life. Even if we do not like who the child has become, we have a responsibility as the parent, the mother or father to love and remain with our child. There can be limits to this: As long as you continue this behavior, I cannot see you. I will not help you or support you in this. However, I will always be your mother. And I will be here for you when you are ready.

Tragedy

Sarah — Tue, 10 Oct 2006 15:05:50 -0500

The whole thing is tragic. These messed up kids need help and loving families more than anyone, but in the same respect I know people who have been in a very similar situation and it was heartbreaking. They hadn't yet started the adoption process, but when their foster child molested a neighborhood kid they were devestated.

We need a better system for handling these things. These children need help.

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Sports and Fitness
Sarah and the Goon Squad
Draft Day Suit

Very complicated

MichelleVandepas — Tue, 10 Oct 2006 15:04:55 -0500

Very complicated situation....Great article and thanks for the heads up!

Michelle
Fost Adopt BlogFost-adopt Blogger
Older Parent BlogOlder adoptive mom blogger

Wow

HeatherB — Tue, 10 Oct 2006 14:45:43 -0500

Just wow...
Again, good write up. I saw the story in WaPo this morning and found myself conflicted. I still don't know what to think though.

Heather B.
Personal Blog: No Pasa Nada
BlogHer CE: Business, Career & Personal Finance

Good Write Up and Links

JennaHatfield — Tue, 10 Oct 2006 14:36:22 -0500

I've been following along as well. I think you covered a lot of the good writing that's currently going on regarding the subject. :)

Family Living; Hatfield Style - Our Family Blog
Now a Blogger for AdoptionBlogs. - Obviously, I'm Jenna. :)
The Chronicles of MunchkinLand - My adoption blog.
Jenna

sad..

Terri987 — Tue, 10 Oct 2006 14:05:33 -0500

I went and read the entire story.

This child was definitly a handful and I am not sure how I would handle the whole sexual predator issue. That said, I can't believe that someone would try to "unadopt" someone they willingly chose to adopt. If she were the natural parent that would be called abandonment. When you adopt a child, that child is seen as being the exact same as any biological children that you have. There is no legal difference between them.

Even if she did not know the entire background, she had him in her home for years. She was an experienced foster parent. It would be impossible not to know that he had serious issues.

At this point he is 16 years old. Her legal obligation as a parent would end in two years. Would it really be so difficult to provide for him for two more years? Ludicrous!

If she doesn't want him in her home, there are many options for half-way houses or treatment centers for him.

There are no guarantees in life. Even biological children can become criminals. This rejection is just another nail in the coffin of this boy.

It is truly sad.

Terri

Bye-bye, Baby: Un-adopting a Child

Mary Tsao — Tue, 10 Oct 2006 13:07:20 -0500

"You don't want to throw somebody away, but sometimes you have to."
Helen Briggs, Virginia foster parent currently trying to unadopt her adopted son.

The Washington Post ran a story yesterday about a Helen Briggs, a foster mother in Virginia who is trying to rescind her adoption of one of her former foster children on the claim that caseworkers for the boy failed to disclose the extent of his troubled past.

Briggs case is a complex one that reveals some serious flaws in the systems that rule and regulate our country's adoption process. Per the WaPo article, states have "a patchwork of laws and written disclosure policies. Some states, such as Texas and Ohio, give adoptive parents access to a child's entire case file. In Maryland, social workers are required to prepare a written background summary and ask adoptive parents to sign it. Virginia's disclosure policy has no written requirement."

Because Briggs is in Virginia, this case is one of "she said - caseworker said." Briggs claims the state didn't provide full disclosure; some caseworkers for the state feel she is lying.

What do bloggers think?

A comment left on the Jewish Adoption Blog:
"I think the system is SO bad that the Social Workers in some places have started to lie to place kids."

Michelle Vandepas of the Foster Adoption Blog reveals that she was interviewed for the WaPo article although her interview wasn't used. She writes:

"During my interview with the reporter, it came out that many foster adoptive parents donâ€™t get to see case histories of their children. The parents may know that a child has been in many previous placements, but may not have the information about why the child was moved so many times."

Vandepas admits that she doesn't know the whole story and can't make a judgement on this particular case. What Vandepas does know is this:

We need open records for adoptive parents.
We need post adoption resources.
We need better counseling and services available for at risk mothers during pregnancy.
We need a better system.

Polimom blogs about the legal and social, as well as the personal aspects of this case:

"we want to welcome children into our home â€” to give them structure, consistency, and opportunities. However, this story makes clear that there are very real risks, to lives and to hearts."

Elisa Poncz of Children's Rights & Laws tackles the question: Does Unadoption Signal a New Lower Tier Adoption? She writes:

"I'm concerned about the idea that parents can adopt a child and if that child is not exactly what they hoped and dreamed for that the parents can return the child. This denigrates adoption, parenthood, and the security that adopted children obtain."

Keri of Adventures in the Life of Keri asks,
"How do we as a society balance the interests of a troubled and abused child with the rights of adoptive parents?"

How do we, indeed. Because at the heart of this matter is a child whose existing problems surely aren't being solved with the abandonement by the woman he calls mother. Regardless of the outcome of this case and who wronged whom, it's unfortunate that the troubled boy will ultimately end up its true victim.
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BlogHer Contributing Editor Mary Tsao also blogs at Mom Writes.

Image credit: Microsoft Clip Art.