BlogHer - It's a gay, gray world - Comments

as a mom of five...

Birdie Jaworski — Fri, 01 Dec 2006 07:34:29 -0600

... I have two children who identify in ways other than "straight." I am excited to be their mom, and to learn as much as I can from them. Thank you, thescribe2006, for your kind words.

Beauty Dish: True Underground Adventures of an Avon Lady

Fabulous

thescribe2006 — Thu, 30 Nov 2006 10:12:10 -0600

What a great mom you are. If only my mom had been that understanding. There are 4 children and two of them heterosexual and two of them are gay. My mom was not at all accepting. You should be a template for how to bring up kids. I am sure you bring your enthusiasm and openness to all your endeavors!

I think I was the confused one...

Birdie Jaworski — Wed, 08 Nov 2006 13:49:51 -0600

It's funny, because I kept thinking that my son was the confused person, but all along he knew just what he liked and wanted and embraced. I was the one trying to push him this way and that. Power to those who know who they are! I hope I become as brave and open as my own children some day. Thanks, Sarah.

Beauty Dish: True Underground Adventures of an Avon Lady

Happy 16th to your boy, Marianne!

Birdie Jaworski — Wed, 08 Nov 2006 13:47:38 -0600

What a wonderful way to spend a birthday - watching the world seemingly change overnight and discussing the ways we divide ourselves into such black and white groups. I'm hopeful that the younger generation is learning by watching these struggles for understanding, and that they will find better ways to shape the future.

Beauty Dish: True Underground Adventures of an Avon Lady

We exist on a continuum

Birdie Jaworski — Wed, 08 Nov 2006 13:42:27 -0600

LaBlogga, I like the way you think! I am finding that I see things along a continuum more than hacked into this side and that these days. Sexuality exists in the gray, and I'm so grateful my son taught me this.

Beauty Dish: True Underground Adventures of an Avon Lady

Thank You

Sarah — Wed, 08 Nov 2006 12:58:53 -0600

Thank you for posting this piece. I think that it is a great thing to be prepared for as a mother. I have thought many times about how to support a homosexual child, but I never thought about how I would handle parenting a sexually confused child.

It sounds like you are a wonderful mother to him and I hope his journey gets easier as he grows up.

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Sports and Fitness
Sarah and the Goon Squad
Draft Day Suit

Doing the best we can

Marianne Richmond — Wed, 08 Nov 2006 02:06:32 -0600

What a perfect post for election day!

I don't think there was a moment when I came to accept my grayness....I think it just happened over time until one day I decided that it just made so much more sense to accept that nothing important is ever really black and white, especially kids and politics.

As a reminder, on this November 7th, my oldest son turned 16 and as my two sons and I enjoyed dinner out for his birthday, we had one eye on the election results from a contentuous and devisive campaign season.

We had a lively discussion about how politicians took complicated issues such as stem cell research and tried to make them black and white: "vote no on cloning" and "vote yes for life saving medical cures" as if a "yes" vote was an endorsement for human cloning and a "no" vote indicated that you were against curing Parkinson's.

But we were also all mindful that 6 years ago on November 7th there had been four of us out having the birthday dinner watching the Bush/Gore debacle begin to unfold...and how black and white we all saw that election and our family in real time then, and how differently things played out.

Marianne

Marianne Richmond
resonancepartnership

boys and lipstick

Birdie Jaworski — Tue, 07 Nov 2006 15:16:50 -0600

Roberta, that is such a cute story!

My two youngest boys help me sell Avon, and they both (ages 11 and 9) have learned all the pros and cons of a variety of Avon products. One of my boys even brought Avon for show and tell! His teacher was none too pleased.

In some other cultures, both men and women (and sometimes just men) adorn themselves with color upon their skin. It's funny how our society is so conditioned to find that strange, odd, even wrong.

Beauty Dish: True Underground Adventures of an Avon Lady

by the way

Roberta — Tue, 07 Nov 2006 14:53:04 -0600

today my three year old son went all about town/voting booth stating he wears makeup, and that he likes it. He is putting on my lip balm and calls it makeup....I thought of the essay Lisa posted here and just had to laugh.

Birdsword

Grey is the new black - Sexuality 2.0

LaBlogga — Tue, 07 Nov 2006 12:24:44 -0600

That is what's great about Sexuality 2.0, open-source sexuality, we all have the freedom to understand, interpret and express our own sexuality in whatever ways makes sense to us as individuals, not in the limited structured models of society (e.g.; monogamy, gay, straight).

When I think I'm right, I'm always, always wrong...

Birdie Jaworski — Tue, 07 Nov 2006 08:42:43 -0600

Thanks, Denise. It IS complicated! I don't even have my own love life squared away, and there I was, trying to package and label my boy's. The older I get, the less I am prepared to say I know.

Lisa, what a wonderful essay! I loved reading another mom's account of acceptance. So beautifully written, too.

Roberta, thanks. : )

I wanted to post this story on election day. I'm no different than anyone else in the country. I think the people for whom I cast my vote carry a better grasp of "truth" than their opponents. But reality is so much less clear than we think it is in these moments. I guess we can only do the best we can moment to moment.

Beauty Dish: True Underground Adventures of an Avon Lady

shades of grey

Roberta — Tue, 07 Nov 2006 08:09:18 -0600

I really loved your piece. I think if we are all lucky enough we go thru shades of grey with the support of a wonderful parent such as yourself!

Birdsword

Gorgeous gray

Lisa Stone — Tue, 07 Nov 2006 07:46:51 -0600

Birdie, I love this piece. I need to think about my zillions of gray moments before I write one down here -- but rather than cop-out, I'll recommend another brilliant essay on the gray-ness that can be parenting: http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/1998/05/27feature.html

Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder
Surfette

It is complicated

Denise — Tue, 07 Nov 2006 07:40:17 -0600

Whether you're gay or straight or bi or whatever label it is that fits YOU. I think that's the issue that everyone can relate to. Human relationships ARE complicated. Love and sexual attraction IS complicated. Anyone who kids themselves that these things aren't, is well, kidding themselves. And in this complication, we are all the same.

Personally, I think you did a fine job. The advocate and the gay pride lit didn't hurt a bit. In fact, in 10 years the boy will remember those small efforts and he'll be pleased with the mother he was lucky enough to have.

It's all gray and I like gray quite a bit, hopefully more people will embrace the beauty of that shade.

~Denise
Fast Times @ Homeschool High

It's a gay, gray world

Birdie Jaworski — Mon, 06 Nov 2006 22:45:04 -0600

My oldest son, 19, dances hip-hop and jazz on the stage. He sings tenor in a young men's choir. He loves show tunes, classic movies, singers like Dolly Parton and Rufus Wainwright. He stares in the bathroom mirror for hours, adjusting his button-down collar, his classic black leather belt, and his just-so hair. He asked for a fancy messenger bag for Christmas, and a pair of gray suede shoes, please. Wow, you're thinking, he's gay. Gotta be gay.

Three years ago I dropped him off at a town park. He was meeting a friend and they would study, then see a movie, he said. His friend stood waiting by a painted lion sculpture. He wore loose jeans and a button-down shirt, just like my son, and together they looked like two sides of a coin, my son stark Polish fair, his friend Latino, salt and pepper on that green park salad, and oh I knew. I knew.

I started leaving literature in obvious places around the house. Two in twenty folks are gay, those brochures screamed. It's great! It's normal! Natural! Declare your identity! Go Boy Go! I left boxes of condoms in his medicine cabinet and copies of The Advocate on the back of the toilet. But my son didn't talk, didn't pick up those papers and bring them to me, didn't seem to notice them at all. So how's your friend, I asked, in that kind of we're-all-pals tone, and he would shrug his slim shoulders, change the topic.

One day I cornered him in my bedroom. He came to say goodnight, to give me a hug, the way we always end the day, and I flat out asked. And he said yes, and he said no, said it was complicated and I would not like what he had to say. It wasn't what I expected, I didn't understand him, either you're gay or you're not gay, right?

So I did those stupid things mothers do when they feel the need to sleuth. I asked his friends, his older sister, a friendly teacher, what he was saying and doing in school.

"In or out of that closet?" I asked.

Out! That was the answer, out of the closet, dating that cute Latino, attending Gay-Straight Alliance meetings and talking about gay marriage and gay rights and generally being Mr. Gay Gay Gay.

Well that's that, I thought, it isn't a surprise.

And a year passed. We talked about gay issues at home. I left more literature around the house, bought books about famous gay men, got tickets to Rent, made a general liberal ass of myself to prove I loved him, loved everything about him. He hung out with the artsy crowd at school, and I rested, knowing my son felt secure and happy and gay.

But things are never that easy, even when you think you're liberal and hip and a good mom, and in the summer months, my son took a girlfriend, a lush Filipino with long dark hair and an easy laugh. They swung in my African hammock those warm July nights, kissing and talking and shooing away my two youngest sons.

What the fuck, I thought, what the fuck is going on?

I called my sister in New York, the one who teaches Women's Studies at a private university, and asked for advice.

"He's experimenting, just like all kids do these days," she said. "Don't worry about it. He needs to make sure he's gay. It'll pass."

So I waited and smiled and made them lemonade and popcorn while they cuddled to rented chick flick videos. They broke up in August. He began dating his old friend again.

So that's that, I thought. My sister was right. Just a phase.

But summer turned fall turned complicated, and my boy dated a new boy, then a girl, then I lost track, loss my balance, and I cornered him, mentioned counseling, support groups, something, just anything that might help him embrace his inner homo.

"Mom! It's not like that! I tried to tell you but you don't get it. This is just me. I'm just like this. I like to date people I like. I don't care who they are or what they are. And my friends are like that, too."

He walked away, out the front door, left it hanging open, and I stared for a long time at the dust climbing the shaft of afternoon sunlight, swirling upward, spinning, falling on scuffed parquet floor.

I collected all my liberal mother infomercial literature and stuck it in the metal can outside the back door. I tossed the latest issue of The Advocate in with the rest of the molding magazines resting in the guest bedroom. I left the condoms in the cabinet, figured man or woman, they'll be put to good use. And I shook my head at my own small black and white desires.

Now it's your turn. On this fine election day, when our world orders itself into left and right, liberal and conservative, tell me a moment you lost your righteous balance, a moment you discovered again this life exists in shades of gorgeous gray...