BlogHer - Can praising your child too much do harm? - Comments

Be Specific

Magda Santos — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 08:02:10 -0500

My understanding of praise comes from the point of view that parents and teachers need to offer children information about their behavior.

The information needs to be clear and specific. Specific because children pick up information easily however, they don't always interpret information correctly. So the more specific you are the easier it is for our children to understand what they did well.

I do agree that too much of anything can be dangerous, except maybe chocolate.

And that we need to remember we're their guides, what we choose to say matters a whole lot.

On the subject of self esteem teachers have been looking toward Vygotsky's concept of scaffolding for years to support children in their learning and yet allow them the opportunity to discover their own answers.

This is the classic book on his theory Scaffolding Children's Learning: Vygotsky and Early Childhood Education (Naeyc Research Into Practice Series, V. 7) by Laura E. Berk and Adam Winsler Amazon carries it.

Nordette thanks for this post. It made me think.

Please Try This @ Home

i strongly disagree

mmwtrouble — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 00:35:44 -0500

it depends on the child, like i understand when Carol Deweck expermented with the 5 graders, and their exams, thats them because they are younger, but speaking from a high school student point of view, the parents should gie the child all the praise in the world, because at a high school level, no amount of praise should affect your grades, because of your grades are affected in high school, kiss your chaces of getting in to a top college bye bye. if the child whats to be stupid and lazy and play video games, well, its on them, but if a child wants to be like me, and study, and go somewhere in life, so be it

it depends on the praise

laurie — Mon, 26 Feb 2007 19:48:52 -0600

In my opinion there is a difference between, 'you are smart' or 'you are beautiful' (although those kinds of praise do have their place) and 'you are a good big brother' or 'I am so proud of how you handled that situation.'

I think it is really important to recognize and praise good behaviour, in order to remind them how much kindness, good judgment, hard work and other positive qualities are valued.

laurie
www.notjustaboutcancer.blogspot.com

It's similar to 'beautiful' and 'pretty'

Nordette — Sun, 25 Feb 2007 11:43:24 -0600

The absence of the label is also harmful, I think, for siblings with different, equally important talents.

Yes, you're right. I think it's similar to calling one child "beautiful," "pretty," or "handsome," too often. We often don't consider what it is that "we're not saying."

What are we saying to the sibling that is never complimented on such attributes? Silence speaks volumes, especially when the counterpart to silence is applause for someone else.

Your comment reminds me of the warning to parents that praising a child's physical appearance too often also backfires. It causes the child whose good looks you praise to associate too much self-worth with physical appearance, and it causes that child's sibling, who you don't call "pretty" or "handsome" to think less of themselves because they think the parent values looks more. Even when you call one pretty and the other one something else like smart, each child receives a message. The pretty one thinks, "I'm not smart," and the child of average looks starts to worry that "I'm not pretty." Inadvertently, by using labels you're placing your children in boxes that it may take them years to escape. The movie The Mirror Has Two Faces with Barbara Streisand is a good illustration of this idea.

It really does take wisdom, love, and care to ensure children receive a healthy message about themselves and the world around them. I think the parents who read this type of information and evaluate it are already "great" parents who love their children. It's parents who genuinely want the best for their children who seek wisdom and evaluate their own parenting skills.

Thank you for your comment.

"Love is liquid. Be drunkards!" ~~Nordette

What you do

mcmilker — Sun, 25 Feb 2007 08:10:10 -0600

Great and thoughtful post. In my child development classes we focus a lot of behavior not innate ability. You worked hard, you performed well - it's a form of active listening that seems to work well. I buy that too much praise can backfire with smart kids. The absence of the label is also harmful, I think, for siblings with different, equally important talents.

MC Milker

Can praising your child too much do harm?

Nordette — Sat, 24 Feb 2007 17:34:33 -0600

A new book says that praising your child too much could possibly do more harm than good. The book is Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Developmental Psychologist and Stanford University Professor Carol Dweck. Her research indicates that too much praise can make your child fear failure or not work hard enough, and she suggests it's better to praise effort such as "hard work" or "strategy" and not genetic attributes like intelligence.

Journalist Po Bronson explores this phenomena in his New York Magazine article "How Not to Talk to Your Kids: The Inverse Power of Praise," from which the following small excerpt is taken.

Since Thomas could walk, he has heard constantly that heâ€™s smart. Not just from his parents but from any adult who has come in contact with this precocious child. When he applied to Anderson for kindergarten, his intelligence was statistically confirmed. The school is reserved for the top one percent of all applicants, and an IQ test is required. Thomas didnâ€™t just score in the top one percent. He scored in the top one percent of the top one percent.

But as Thomas has progressed through school, this self-awareness that heâ€™s smart hasnâ€™t always translated into fearless confidence when attacking his schoolwork. In fact, Thomasâ€™s father noticed just the opposite. "Thomas didnâ€™t want to try things he wouldnâ€™t be successful at," his father says. "Some things came very quickly to him, but when they didnâ€™t, he gave up almost immediately, concluding, â€˜Iâ€™m not good at this.â€™" With no more than a glance, Thomas was dividing the world into twoâ€”things he was naturally good at and things he wasnâ€™t.

In my own life, I attempt to be realistic with my children about their strengths and weaknesses without being too hard on them about their shortcomings nor too effusive about their positive traits. Still, I notice that my son will give up sometimes when he can't learn something quickly.

And when my daughter was in high-school (she's 26 years old now), sometimes teachers expressed concern that she didn't put forth enough effort and called that "cockiness." For her it meant the difference between a grade of "B" versus "A." My daughter participated in the gifted and talented program. I'd have talks with her about being too self-assured. However, unlike my son, my daughter works harder when she suspects a skill does not come to her naturally. Perhaps her tendency to press on is the result of her being profoundly deaf in one ear and moderately so in the other. Without hearing aids, she's pretty much completely deaf.

I've been trying to promote perseverance to my son and have always pushed that it's hard work that pays off. When my children have done well on tests for which I suspect they did not study, I would give a mini-lecture about how important it is to study regardless and that one day laziness will bite them in their behinds. Well, you know how much children looovvveee lectures. Despite best efforts, I know I've made mistakes with both my children and pay for it sometimes.

I didn't adopt a policy of not overpraising because I'm a parenting genius. I adopted it because I've observed my own life. I was a child to whom academics came easily and who was applauded as being smart. I am also an adult who deals with fear of failure and sometimes fear of success. Learning the hard way that hard work has a better pay off, that a sense of accomplishment is a wonderful thing, and false pride is crippling, I've thought about how not to pass my dysfunction in these areas on to my offspring.

This Does Not Mean You Should Never Praise Your Child

We've heard it said that "You can never praise your child enough," and so, I know some of you out there will think that this "new" psychology of success flies against building self-esteem. It doesn't really because it's not saying don't ever praise your child, but rather find better ways to praise your child, ways that will build character as well as boost self-esteem and make a more balanced individual.

Personally, I've been suspicious of giving undue praise as a way to "build self-esteem" because I think humility is a virtue, and I did wonder how will a child learn to do better if the child's made to feel everything he/she does is praiseworthy. Also, how will a child learn inner acceptance and discernment if the child grows dependent on external praise? In addition, I definitely avoid lying to children such as telling a child who can't sing that he/she sings well. (You know somebody must tell this lie. Just watch the American Idol early auditions and you know this.)

Critics of the self-esteem gospel have long said that we promote mediocrity by telling those who perform poorly, "You did that so well!" or by giving gold stars for average work in fear of damaging self-esteem. In some instances schools have been accused of lowering standards to build self-esteem levels. Going overboard on self-esteem is sometimes blamed for the decline in academic performance in our schools. It's possible, but I don't believe conscientious parents and teachers practice lying to children just to make children feel good.

On the other hand, sometimes we lie to make ourselves feel good and to avoid confrontation without considering the final outcome. Telling a child he or she is better at anything than he/she really is does that child as much a disservice as being overly critical and rarely praising the child. Not wanting to hurt our children, we're probably more inclined to err on the side of indulgence, but over-indulgence is usually proven unwise.

The wise know that there's a balance and an art to speaking in a way that builds confidence, does not crush people, yet also inspires excellence with warmth. Still, some of us shun giving even constructive criticism and have gotten to the place where we think the saying "You get an 'A' for effort" is an insult or something one says only to the mentally disabled. Perhaps we should recall ancient philosophers like Aristotle and Plato as well as lessons from life that teach anything done to excess may become harmful. "In all things, moderation" should be applied to praise as well.

So, this is where some parents go back to parenting class, me included. How best to praise your child is worthy of study.

You may find the following links helpful:

ABC video on this subject, includes interviews with psychologist and book author Carol Dweck and journalist Po Bronson. This video seems to work better in Internet Explorer.

Why Praise Can Be Bad for Kids, ABC News

"How Not to Talk to Your Kids: The Inverse Power of
Praise," New York Magazine

Nordette Adams is a poet, fiction writer, journalist, poet, and blogger. You may read one of her other blogs at this link.