BlogHer - Parents, Adult Children and Financial Independence - Comments

Those are all great thoughts

Nina Smith — Thu, 01 Mar 2007 06:58:19 -0600

Those are all great thoughts and demonstrate that our "money stories" are indeed unique to the individual.

Thanks for taking the time to share and comment.

Nina Smith
Queercents
We're here, we're queer, and we're not going shopping without coupons.

thought-provoking post

Mistress Of The Dorkness — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 20:02:14 -0600

When I was a student with no parental support, I can't say I ever thought those who had any were privileged or using a 'cop out'. :-) (well, I did get irritated by those whose parents were paying for school or who had financial aid and all they did was warm a seat, but, they were definitely in the minority in my classes.)

I was a bit envious of those with support, though, I'll admit. My parents taught me about what NOT to do with money. I graduated pretty close to debt free, but, sleep and socially deprived by working three jobs during school.

I've often been sad that I didn't have the resources to complete a four year degree, but, I am really proud of having completed a two year degree.

I do worry sometimes that I will 'spoil' my son. Like I said, I learned about money because I had to survive, not because of learning sound finances and responsible advice from my parents.

Already my son is more 'financially privileged' than I was growing. He's never had to go without food or worn second hand clothes. I know it is up to me as a parent to instill those values, not just leave it up to his environment.
:-) Wish me luck because I'm worried about doing a good job.

I took that quiz... I answered 'correctly' for all but one question. It asked if I give my child a steady allowance and I said 'no'. But, erm, he's 3. I sometimes give him change for doing chores he normally wouldn't do. I want to give him allowance when he's older though, I never had that growing up and I think it will be a good experience for him to learn through.

Thanks for the great topic and replies from everyone. I'm very interested in this topic.

Melanie Perry
***not all who wander are lost***
Mistress of the Dorkness

Great post

HeatherB — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 12:21:23 -0600

Great post, Nina. I'll save my lengthy comments for a post of my own.
I will say though that I'm lucky to never have to defend myself or my parents. And that while my parents have been a great financial and emotional support system over the past two years, I still feel bad when in dire need of cash for an emergency. I'm also eternally grateful, because without them I'd probably be homeless and flailing.

Heather B.
Personal Blog: No Pasa Nada
BlogHer CE: Business, Career & Personal Finance

Financial or Emotional support--which has the greatest value?

Ms. A. Renee — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 12:00:38 -0600

I've been a member of this community all but 5 minutes. However, I thought I'd add my personal experience to the pot. I was born to a supportive family and raised in the rural South. Although we were far from rich, their support of my endeavors and education resulted in me attending a very wealthy college in New York, where 60% of those who matriculate do not even receive financial aid. Trust me, I was NOT in that number and, if it wasn't for the school's ability to offer me full tuition as well as loans to live off of, I would not have received a college education. In that environment of privilege, I often wondered what it would be like to even have the option of parents or family being able to assist with major or minor financial stuff. And, of course, financial assistance doesn't end with college as desires for homeownership, vacations, S&P investments, etc all require the all mighty dollar. My family was definitely emotionally supportive, but sometimes it can be like flying with one wing without the financial assistance. If you are lucky enough to be born to a family that is willing and able to help you out financially AND emotionally, consider yourself lucky and go for it, girls!

Responsibility

mama2bna — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 11:01:03 -0600

I'd like to speak to the idea of the shame in receiving support from family as an adult. I was deeply embarassed in college about having help from my folks. The embarassment was awkward because I had always known that the plan for my family was that my sister and I would receive help so long as we were working toward a degree. So many treated it like some sort of cop out. The reality is that we get our support and involvement from family in very different ways. My parents loved me but they never came to a single track meet, theatrical performance or basketball game. They wanted to support education. They helped pay for school. I still worked, I still paid for text books. I still came out a responsible adult of gainful employ. As a parent I know that the desire to support spiritually, physically and financially is a lifelong thing.
I wish people could step back and be more forgiving/accepting of the different avenues that we take as individuals,children, parents and families.

Thumbs Up!

Nordette — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 10:06:21 -0600

Timely and relevant post. I think it would be great under Mommy & Family as well. I've had to borrow money from my parents too often over the years. If you love your parents, you'll work to break the habit of turning to them for money.

I'm glad my parents shared with me, and know that without their help, during and following my divorce, I may have been homeless at one point. But I also recognize the dangers of making a child too dependent, which is why I keep stressing to my own children that they must be responsible for themselves and learn to do without rather than incur debt or be dependent on someone else to supplement an indulgent lifestyle. I want to ensure that they don't develop "magic thinking" when it comes to money, assuming some genie's going to pop out at the last minute and save them after they've made stupid decisions. The list you posted from "Financially Intelligent Parents" will come in handy, especially since I still have a minor at home.

I'm considerably older than the college students you mention in this post, and so my parents, who had me relatively late in life, are from a very different generation. Upon reflection as I grew older, I noticed that they'd make financial concessions for me that they tended not to make for my younger brother. So, I'd be curious to find out how many parents are more lenient with their daughters when it comes to finances than they are with their sons. With mine, I'm pretty sure they were influenced by the mindsets of their generation, thinking "girls need more help." However, today's parents would do their daughters a disservice with this thinking. (The mindset has probably always done a disservice, but more so now.)

Still, I'm reminded of cases where parents have taken lessons of teaching financial responsibility to an extreme that's resulted in pain and bitterness for both sides. I know of one or two parents who would think nothing of letting an adult child become one of the homeless no matter what circumstances brought the child to financial grief, including illness, and say "Sometimes you need to go to the school of hard knocks." Like most good concepts, I suspect teaching one's child financial responsibility must be tempered with both wisdom and love.

Nordette

Parents, Adult Children and Financial Independence

Nina Smith — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 06:54:40 -0600

â€œAge considers; youth ventures.â€ â€“ Rabindranath Tagore

I recently met a young, feminist blogger named Erin Allard, an 18-year-old college student who contacted me about joining Queercents as a contributing writer. When she first phoned, the Caller ID indicated that her mobile number was registered in the name of a man.

I thought, â€œWow; sheâ€™s youngâ€¦ so young in fact that her father still has her on the family plan with his service provider.â€ This got me wondering what bloggers have to say about parents and financial dependency. Here are a few opinions on the topic. Needless to say, family dynamics make for thought-provoking blog entries especially when they intersect with the essentials on money.

At An English Majorâ€™s Money, youâ€™ll find a post written by a 23-year-old college grad trying to make it on her own in New York City. She writes,

So, one of my financial-emotional sore spots is that my parents give me money. When this practice is discussed in the personal finance blogosphere, it is generally in the most scathing of terms. One particularly revealing snippet of rhetorical subtext: â€˜financial outpatient careâ€™ is a common borrowing from canonical personal finance text The Millionaire Next Door, which assures readers that adult children who accept money from their parents grow up weak, waffling, and ultimately unsuccessful--it compares accepting money to illness. The implicit message of this phrase is that those who do not accept money are healthy--walking out of childhood on their own strong two legs--whereas those who do accept money are sickly, being pushed along in a wheelchair to the hospital gates by a coddling nurse-mother.

Another recent college graduate that blogs at Stingy Students offers a different view:

Personally, I donâ€™t feel entitled to enjoy my parentsâ€™ success considering I havenâ€™t done anything to deserve it except for being fortunate enough to be born to them. However, if I am ever in a financial emergency, would I take it? Of course, I plan on buying a house in the near future, but do I have the 20% down payment to avoid PMI? No, but I can borrow it from my parents. I think that is truly the crux of the argument: those of us with financial support have a safety net where we can take more risk, whereas those without have limited opportunity.

Canadian Dream (a twenty-something, who happens to be male) had a post that said:

The other thing my parents did for me that really hit home was during my second year of university they stopped paying the bills. They had decided to buy a cottage instead of funding the remainder of my education. So they co-signed some loans and I was now living off debt to pay my school. I hated it, but it taught me to pay attention to my spending. Needless to say I reduced my spending at school by 10% the next year and I started paying down the debt with every dollar I could after leaving school.

These young adults and their experiences beg the question: How do we raise financially literate children? And what are the lessons we can communicate while they are young so they grow into self-sufficient adults?

Eileen and Jon Gallo are the authors of The Financially Intelligent Parent: 8 Steps to Raising Successful, Generous, Responsible Children. At their web site they list The 8 Money Behaviors of Financially Intelligent Parents:

1. Encourage a work ethic
2. Get your own money stories straight
3. Facilitate financial reflection
4. Become a charitable family
5. Teach financial literacy
6. Awareness of the values you model
7. Moderate extreme money tendencies
8. Talking about the tough topics

They also offer a quick quiz that helps you understand if you are a Financially Intelligent Parent.

You may not have given much thought to the issues raised by this questionnaire. Financially intelligent parenting isnâ€™t an inherent skill. Our own parentsâ€™ money issues combined with societal attitudes have shaped our money beliefs and behaviors, and they have not always been shaped in ways that benefit our children.

Take the quizâ€¦ even if youâ€™re not a parent, youâ€™ll likely learn something about yourself and the filter of money.