BlogHer - Are your friends too attractive? - Comments

Confidence is key!

alison n — Sun, 15 Apr 2007 18:11:23 -0500

I agree with Kat 100%! It's not about ego, but about confidence. We've all got that ultra-attractive friend and it's always a little scary introducing your new guy/girl to them - but the key issue here is to remember why he/she is with you in the first place.

And also, look at it this way, if your partner is shallow enough to be swayed simply by how your friend looks, then maybe they weren't the 'catch' you thought they were in the first place!

I had a friend whom I thought was really attractive - she was funny and witty, slim, blonde - basically England's version of Goldie Hawn, and I was DREADING introducing her to my new man. But, despite dodging the issue and conjuring excuse after excuse, the time came that they met. And he thought she was funny, but in his words? "She was fake. She was trying to hard and it became boring!"
Excellent! And after all that worrying too!

It's a tough call though. I have to admit - I feel as if I've had 'Bit On The Side' emblazoned on my forehead for the last year - I seem to attract guys who are already attached and have no right to be 'shopping around'.

Life's a bitch huh!!!!

As they say, "One day my prince will come, and knowing my luck I'll be out for the day!"

alison

http://sophie-stayingsingle.blogspot.com

I agree, Bill!

Zandria — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 08:46:11 -0500

Excellent examples. Especially your point about men trying to keep their female partners out of certain situations because they don't trust other guys -- and her ability to resist their advances. Females are the same way. We know that there are many sneaky gals out there, so we worry about our men being lured away. :)

Personal blog: Keep Up With Me
BlogHer blog: Life - Singles

Zandria,

Bill Cammack — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 12:23:04 -0500

Zandria,

There's definitely insecurity on the part of a lot of guys as far as what might make their woman 'cheat' or leave them entirely. I find that the more self-confidence a guy has and the more he knows he's bringing to the table, the less restrictive he's going to be about whom his girlfriend/wife is "allowed" to hang out with. This is similar to your friend disallowing her man to meet her more attractive friends by not bringing him around them at all.

The other insecurity that comes into play a lot is the guy's belief in his girlfriend's *character*. A lot of guys that try to isolate their women from meeting other men, even as friends or co-workers are scared that she's not going to be able to "resist their advances". Unfortunately for her, this means he doesn't consider her to have enough fortitude or personal strength to live up to whatever agreement she made with him when they decided on their relationship-type. Even though she may have agreed not to have sex with other men as a condition of their current relationship, he feels that if she's left in the presence of other guys, she'll give it up easily. The long and short of it is that he doesn't trust her... not that she's sneaky, but that she just isn't capable of remaining faithful to him when the next man tries to hook up with her.

I think this comes from the guy thinking he didn't do much work to get her in the first place, so the next man isn't going to have to do much to get her either. Or, to put it another way... He doesn't see what his redeeming value is to her other than whatever he offered her to get her involved in a relationship with him. Similarly, your friend doesn't see her own redeeming value other than her looks, so the concept of her man meeting and befriending more attractive women horrifies her because (as she sees it) her only trump card with him is that she's the most attractive woman he knows.

--
Bill Cammack
Video Editor
BillCammack.com

Good points!

Zandria — Tue, 10 Apr 2007 09:58:11 -0500

Kat: I definitely wasn't trying to say that women are to blame for the "stealing." Situations like that involve two people. And you're right -- if he were to act on it, it's not the kind of person I'd want to be with.

Bill: Nice to have a male perspective on this! It's comforting to know that men are just as insecure when it comes to wondering why their women are with them. :)

Personal blog: Keep Up With Me
BlogHer blog: Life - Singles

You said it beautifully,

Kat Wilder — Mon, 09 Apr 2007 22:59:34 -0500

You said it beautifully, Bill.

The important message in all of this is â€” have confidence in yourself and love yourself (I'm not talking about ego here). If you have confidence in who and what you are, well, ain't nothing sexier!

Don't forget the guy...

Bill Cammack — Mon, 09 Apr 2007 19:42:08 -0500

A girlfriend "stealing" a man is only half of the insecurity. That only accounts for what the woman is going to do when presented with an attractive man. I think there's just as much, if not *more* insecurity about what the MAN'S going to do when he meets the more attractive friends.

A lot of people feel like their SOs will get someone 'better than them' if they can, so just the idea of that person becoming friends with someone that's considered superior (in this case, being more attractive being considered to be superior by your friend) leads to the question of WHY he would remain with her when he could get to know someone superior.

This happens a lot with guys too. Often the problem is that they can't quantify WHY their girlfriends are with them. They feel inferior in the presence of a guy with more money or who's taller or more built or smarter or whatever it is that they feel trumps what they're bringing to the table.

Telling your friend "don't worry" isn't going to help her, either. :) Whether she can trust you or her own sister or whomever, she still considers herself to be on one level and her more attractive friends to be on a higher level than she is. What she needs to work on is feeling like she's bringing more to the table than her looks. If she doesn't know WHY her boyfriend or whatever is with HER, she'll never stop feeling afraid that he'll 'trade up' as soon as he gets a better offer.

--
Bill Cammack
Video Editor
BillCammack.com

Hey Zandra,

Kat Wilder — Mon, 09 Apr 2007 19:38:33 -0500

Hey Zandra,
Thanks for crediting me, and for expanding on the idea.

I'd just like to comment on one thing you wrote:

There are tons of stories out thereâ€”in women's magazines, trashy daytime talk shows, blogsâ€”about a supposed "best friend" stealing the other person's partner. It's hard to hear something like that and not have it cross your mind that it could happen to you.

No woman can "steal" a man away. That puts the responsibility on the woman and not the man. If a man is going to be tempted, OK, be tempted. But if he acts on it, well, who'd want to be with him anyway? At least you'd know where his morals are, and they're probably not in the place you'd want to be, too.

Are your friends too attractive?

Zandria — Mon, 09 Apr 2007 07:49:56 -0500

Have you ever delayed introducing your new man to someone because you were worried he might find that person more attractive than you? It might sound strange, but I don't think it's quite so far-fetched.

I've had a close friend tell me that she has purposefully put off introducing a new man to her attractive friends. I don't think she was afraid we would try to steal him from herâ€”we have very dissimilar tastes in guysâ€”but that didn't seem to matter. And since I was included in the group she considered "attractive friends" (just stating the facts), I can attest that, despite telling her on numerous occasions that she didn't have anything to worry about, it didn't seem to diminish her fears.

Are these feelings abnormal? I don't think so. There are tons of stories out thereâ€”in women's magazines, trashy daytime talk shows, blogsâ€”about a supposed "best friend" stealing the other person's partner. It's hard to hear something like that and not have it cross your mind that it could happen to you. It's not insecurity so much as a possible reality.

But that doesn't mean you can live your life worrying about it all the time, either. If it's going to happen, there isn't anything you can do to stop it. If you succeed in keeping your man away from an attractive friend, that doesn't mean he won't see other attractive women when you're not aroundâ€”at the grocery store, at the post office. And he'd probably pick up on your feelings if you spend time stressing about it. (I mean, reallyâ€”what are you going to say when he asks why he hasn't met your friends yet? "I'm sorry, honey. I'm afraid you'll think they're hot and leave me." And if you're thinking these things but not saying them out loud, are you being honest?)

Some women don't mind hearing when their man thinks another woman is hot, but other women prefer not to know. So, knowing this, some guys will tell you the truth if you ask his opinion about your friendsâ€”and others, thinking that you might get upset if they told you the truth, or knowing from previous experience that you will, won't bother being honest.

I'm not completely immune from feelings of insecurity, and I'm not even dating. While hanging out with my two sisters recently, I said that a man I was interested in (at the time) had a nice body. My older sister gave an appreciative-sounding "Rawr!" Younger sister said, "Watch out, Zan! She might try to take him from you." Older sister responded, "Whatever! Zan has nothing to worry about!" And you know what? I know that. I not only adore my sisters, I trust them implicitly. But still, there was a split second where I thought to myself, "My sisters are beautiful and glamorous. I could understand why someone would prefer one of them over me."

So here's what I think: a big part of feeling insecure is how the information is presented. Let's say your man meets your beautiful friend and later says to you, "Wow, she's really hot. Those luscious lips, that incredible backside. Yum!" (Okay, maybe he wouldn't say "yum," but you get the idea.)

If, after saying this, he immediately turns around and walks into another room, many women would not consider that appropriate. They would think, "What the hell? Does he think she's more beautiful than I am? Would he rather be with her? Is he trying to make me jealous?" In that particular scenario, I would have to question his motives.

There is definitely a better way for a man to follow up a favorable comment he makes about another woman. I like this one: "But baby, she could never compare to you. Rawr!" (smooch) That would be all right with me.

(This subject was inspired by Kat's post, When honesty meets hottie.)

Contributing Editor Zandria also blogs at Keep Up With Me.