BlogHer - Thank heaven for evolved friends - Comments

When I was a Weight Watchers leader...

Elisa Camahort — Thu, 17 May 2007 17:28:47 -0500

...many many years ago, I heard a lot of woman say the most dreadful things about themselves. "I have no discipline" "I'll never be able to lose weight" "I couldn't stay away from that birthday cake...I'm such a loser!" etc. etc. etc.

And you point out exactly what i used to say to them:

What would you say if your best friend said this about themselves? Would you say, "Yeah, you're right...what a f*ing loser you are! Give it up, slacker."? I bet you wouldn't. So don't say anything to yourself that you'd never say to your best friend.

That was a long time ago, and I all too often forget my own speech.

Elisa Camahort
BlogHer and Worker Bees
elisa@blogher.org/elisa@workerbees.biz

A Corollary?

Maria Niles — Mon, 07 May 2007 22:50:12 -0500

It just occurred to me while reading your comment about loving national figures...

How about "what would I do if I loved myself?" I think often we, especially women, put ourselves down or last and we could make choices that would be more loving not just for ourselves but for those who love us if we remember to keep ourselves in the equation.

Oh, Mata...

lauriewrites — Mon, 07 May 2007 21:29:56 -0500

I always like what you write, but this was such a good one. I could use it this week. (And all the time. : ) )

lauriewrites

One of those magic phrases

Mata H — Mon, 07 May 2007 20:52:14 -0500

"What would you do if you loved this person?" is just so powerful a phrase. I am so moved that so many of you were also touched by this and took the time to comment. (Andy is, too.) It is a phrase from which I keep learning .

On the personal one-on-one level it makes huge sense, but I know I have to apply it beyond that -- and I find myself wondering what it would mean to let myself love larger national figures that I regard as unlovable.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs relentlessly at Time's Fool

Taping this to my dashboard

Lisa Stone — Sun, 06 May 2007 10:58:44 -0500

...thank you so much Mata. This is the way I want to live. I'm grateful to you and to Andy.

Best,
Lisa

Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder
Surfette

The Smiling Game

Creatively Belle — Sun, 06 May 2007 04:15:13 -0500

I love this entry of yours. I've been playing the smiling game lately and enjoying the results, you might too.

Simply smile kindly at others when you're out and about; passing each other on escalators, walking into and around shops, at shop assistants, in traffic at other drivers, in bank queues etc etc. 9/10 times you're greeted with a smile, sometimes with surprise, sometimes with gratitude, and always with a lovely result.

Another lovely thought is how everyone looks beautiful when they smile and it is easier to see them as a loved one.

All the best and smiles,
Belinda

Creatively Belle Jewelry Sale

Creatively Belle Blog

Outstanding post...

sflorer — Thu, 03 May 2007 23:57:35 -0500

This resonated with me, and I was able to put this lesson into practice today.
Thank you for writing it.

Stacie
Link Textfoxhollowjewelry.wordpress.com

An AWard for Andy

mizaward — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 23:27:03 -0500

Mata,

Add me to the list of thanks to Andy. I needed a reminder before my next incident. I'll know how to behave, now. Thanks for sharing!

Avis

Live for Christ! Love each other! Laugh at your adversaries!

Mata,

Angela Chen Shui — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 08:33:47 -0500

Mata,

Heartfelt thanks for sharing... it added to this morning's blessed heart openings, including my daughter's hugs. ;-)

When I first read what Andy asked, a quotation bubbled up but not enough for me to remember clearly. Tracking it down on my blog's side bar reminded me how much I was riveted the very first time I saw it:

'"At the critical juncture in all human relationships, there is only one question: What would love do now?" Conversations With God, Book 1'

Your APPLICATION in a real situation transformed the 'usual' disgruntled, upset possible outcome into a loving, rippled experience of 'walking in another's mocassins', creating tenderness, love, compassion and CONNECTEDNESS for everyone there, here where you've shared it and countless others, energetically.

Individual transformed awareness, applied, creating world transformation... one person, whole groups, at a time.

THANK YOU, Mata, and Blessings to you and Andy,

Angela.

"Angela's Voice"
Spirituality Self Help

Presume Innocence

Thoughtful — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 01:10:51 -0500

Years ago, a friend sent me a copy of "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff (and It's All Small Stuff)" by the late Richard Carlson. I'm still uncomfortable accepting the notion that "it's all small stuff," especially if you're not comfortably white and middle class (but that's another topic of conversation). However, one very useful suggestion I try, and sometimes succeed, to remember is to "presume innocence." The example used in the book is a story similar to what you experienced. We're often so focused on our own needs and so eager to leap to conclusions about others that we forget that there can be extenuating circumstances that explain their behavior. Your response to the clerk was very sensitive, obviously helpful to her and it saved you from getting all worked up for no good reason. Wish we'd all remember to take a moment to pause before reacting in those kinds of situations.

Cynthia Friedlob
Link TextThe Thoughtful Consumer

great quote

Mata H — Thu, 26 Apr 2007 22:33:30 -0500

We are all parts of a larger whole, like individual cells in a body.

amen, Maria, amen!

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs relentlessly at Time's Fool

Mata, this reminds me

Maria Niles — Thu, 26 Apr 2007 16:39:19 -0500

Your friend's insight reminds me of Steve Pavlina's writings, especially this one

The mindset of empowered relationships

So what is the mindset that makes it so much easier to relate to people? Here it is in a nutshell:

Everyone you meet in your life â€” even total strangers â€” is already intimately connected to you. The idea that we are all separate and distinct beings is nothing but an illusion. We are all parts of a larger whole, like individual cells in a body.

Moreover, everyone and everything you see out there in your world are reflections of you. Just as the cells in an organism carry the same DNA, other people are walking around with some part of you inside them. When you look at other people, youâ€™re really looking at yourself. When you notice other people, itâ€™s just like your eyes observing your hands. Weâ€™re all parts of the same whole.

Wouldn't it be easier to be kinder towards and less fearful of others if we saw them as ourselves?

thanks, Nordette

Mata H — Thu, 26 Apr 2007 15:47:19 -0500

Thanks ..I surely will thank him. He is definitely a blessing in my life, and in the lives of all who know him. I feel like God gave me an extra dip into the lucky-sauce when I met Andy.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs relentlessly at Time's Fool

you have no idea

Nordette — Thu, 26 Apr 2007 15:42:32 -0500

You have no idea how much this blog post moved me, Mata. I thank you and please thank your spiritually evolved friend.

Nordette

"Love is liquid. Brew and be drunkards!" ~~Nordette And here's a link to the blog.

thanks. everyone

Mata H — Thu, 26 Apr 2007 13:22:40 -0500

Catherine, Kalyn, Birdie and marywise - thanks! There is for certain a ripple effect. The Hilary said that "it takes a village to raise a child", but I would add that "it takes a village to keep each ther on the right path as adults." Everybody needs a bunch of "go-to people" who can keep us levelled out and on a steady course. Andy is a good pal -- I will send him your greetings.
--Mata

Thank heaven for evolved friends

Mata H — Thu, 26 Apr 2007 10:48:19 -0500

I have a friend whom I can only describe as more evolved than I am. He is my "go-to-guy" when my life feels out of whack -- the person who takes what may be my warped assumptions and delivers back something that turns my perspective inside out and rightside up.

Anyway, I was in the midst of an ordinary conversation with him, and I started bitching - er...complaining...about something that had happened in my day -- about someone who had been discourteous. He stopped me and said, "What would you be saying if you loved that person?"

Ya gotta love this guy.

It stopped me dead in my tracks. I was treating a stranger with a lot less "give" than I would if I knew them i.e. if I thought of them as a real person.

Not to get grandiose, but isn't this why we wage wars, fear people for things they had since birth(like skin color, sexual orientation, gender)? Isn't this the root of why there is poverty and starvation and untreated diseases in the world? Aren't we destroying people because we missed a chance to ask "What would you do if you loved that person?"

What Andy said hit me in the spiritual solar plexus. It thudded in to the core of who I thought I was in the world. And I was ashamed and embarassed and humbled and thankful.

I went to the grocery store the next day. A young clerk was in the EXPRESS line, and I was eager to get back to my car and on to my next pressing errand. Yet she dawdled over each item, as though she was not really there, making errors as she went. The woman behind me in line started muttering. My temperature started to lift. Couldn't this girl see I was in a hurry? Why did they put a slow bumbler in the EXPRESS lane?

I was starting to fume.

Then I heard Andy in my head: "What would you do if you loved this person?"

Everything I had been feeling snapped into a different place. Kaboom.

I asked her "Honey, are you OK?"

She looked away for a second, but when she turned back her eyes were brimming and she said "I'm so sorry -- I just got news that my aunt died and I am just not all here."

I reached over and touched her hand "It's OK..no need to apologize. Can you go home?"

"I have 10 more minutes and I am out of here." Then she looked in my eyes, covered my hand with hers and said to the deep part of my heart -"Thank you."

If it had not been for Andy, I probably would have said something snippy or communicated my displeasure in my body language. In any case, without my friend's help I might have caused this girl more pain. And that would have been shameful.

Maybe some of you out there share this with me - and maybe a reminder to say "What would I do if I loved this person?" will help you, too.