BlogHer - It's Arranged, Just Tie the Knot -- Part 2 - Comments

Dowry --- You are absolutely right!

snigdhasen — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 14:35:12 -0500

Oh no, Mata, I love that you ask these questions. Please keep them coming.

Yes, dowry is still a big deal in Indian marriages. I tried introducing the idea in this post, but it was getting way too long. Moreover, the system hasn't spared marriages based on love either, unless the couple decide to completely cut off their families.

Dowry is prevalent in various forms across the country. Much like the caste system, either offering or accepting dowry is illegal. But the system very much exists.

In fact, in some states, the dowry is priced according to the boy's professional title. It's like a price tag. The higher the groom's income, the higher the demand for dowry.
The state that I was raised in doesn't have a dowry system as such. Meaning, it's more on an equal footing. Both the families exchange gifts. But without a doubt, the girl's family lands up sending many more gifts to the boy's family than the other way around.
In most states the gifts (or even cash) flow in one direction: from the girl's house to the boy's house.

What is troubling is that in many states economic development is not helping kill the system. It is perpetuating it. As families get richer the dowry gets bigger. The education levels of the families don't seem to have any effect on the system.

The government ran several campaigns to end this system.
This is a deep-rooted social evil. Laws alone won't help, because implementing them is hard given that so many people in the society still follow it.

Families will have to step up and say no, no matter what the consequence. Couples will have to put their foot down.

To me this is the modern Indian woman's primary battle. She have to step up and end it. With more and more women joining their husbands in putting food on the table, there is simply no excuse for this system.

There are many young men and women who want to refuse dowry, but face incredible resistance from their parents. I can only hope that when it comes to their children, they will put an end to this meaningless tradition.

On a more optimistic note I would like to say that change has begun. It's a tad slower that one would want, but it's happening. And that's good.

Thank you again!

Mata H — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 09:29:47 -0500

I did look at the sites that you mentioned, and they are an ingenious approach to the melding of tradition and individual initiative. I also looked at Vikas's site, and found this text about doweries -- is this still common? On the one hand the idea of having people assist in finding a mate sounds really lovely and communal, and it can be I am sure -- so I was surprised to see this. But then I recall what you said about 22 states with different traditions, so I suspect that what Vikas said is not universal?

Over a period of time, the abuse of the dowry practice has developed in India to the extent that it has become the biggest problem facing women. Many marriages are strained because of the dispute over dowry, and during 1980s, numerous cases of "burning brides" were reported in the media, where newly wed girls either committed suicide or burnt alive by the in-laws over dowry disputes.

As girls started expecting a fair inheritance from their fathers, the grooms also started demanding more and more. Some people went to the extent of deciding such matters as love, status, and prestige in the society depending on how much dowry a family could bring (or afford), and those who could not afford an expected dowry were subjected to humiliation.

As the women in India got more educated, many of them thought that the system of dowry was demeaning to women. The Indian courts have banned the practice since 1961, forgetting that it is indeed a strongly rooted tradition. So in today's India, the dowry system plays a huge, but largely underground and illegal role in match-making, and forming of marriage alliances.

It is the dowry system that is the primary cause of female infanticide in India, and the primary reason why everybody wants to have only male children. The system of gift-giving has turned into a system of absurd demands, and one of harassment of women.

I don't mean to keep asking so many questions -- feel free to delay answering any of them...it is just that I have been so curious for a long time and it is such a delight to have someone to actually ask. Thank you for your patient and thorough replies.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs relentlessly at Time's Fool

It's Arranged, Just Tie the Knot -- Part 2

snigdhasen — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 02:44:38 -0500

Part 1: Where I come from

I mentioned in my previous post that arranged marriages in India are changing. They are gradually moving from being a parents-only business -- in which the girl or boy has no say -- to an all-family venture that includes the couples concerned and their aspirations. Don't get me wrong, there are many men and women who would much rather choose their own partners, but they find the tradition too hard to set aside. This is fairly well-known. Here I will try to begin the discussion on why the system still exists.

Arranged marriages, then and now: As more Indians (both men and women) get educated and financially independent, they begin to travel, mostly for jobs. This is significant because traveling and exposure help break social barriers. For one, they meet people from different cultures from various parts of India, which helps overcome biases and preconceived notions. Also, staying away from family gives them perspective and many youngsters feel free to find their own partners. Many girls and boys are raised in single sex schools and free mixing in not encouraged. So their first interaction of any serious kind is likely to occur in their adult working lives. For many, this interaction begins with marriage or at least an urge to get married.

As I see it, economic freedom has played a significant role in encouraging men and women to find their own partners.

That is not to say that arranged marriages are on their way out. The practice is evolving in many parts of the country, especially in urban India. It is widely prevalent and is finding new avenues of expression, thanks to the Internet. This is where the twain meet. Like Western dating services (Match.com , Eharmony.com ), there has been an explosion of matchmaking portals like Shadi.com and Bharatmatrimony.com . The Internet has opened up a whole new world not only for parents eager to help their children “settle down” but also for young men and women looking for partners.

A friend of mine was working and living with her parents in Kolkata, when she first realized her friends were all moving out of town and she felt lonely. A common friend uploaded her profile on one of the several matrimonial sites. My friend found her match, is happily married and settled in Bangalore, where she teaches in an elite women's college. She describes her marriage as one of “convenience” (where you are introduced to your prospective partner by or through someone, in her case a website), that turned into a relationship of love and was finally given the garb and shape of an arranged marriage (since the couple waited for their parents to come around and arrange the wedding).

Not very different from how Koreans are finding their soul mates these days. Or this Bangalore couple who found each other online, but made sure to look within their own communities because their parents wished it that way. Most of the popular Indian matrimonial websites cater to regional, language, caste and dietary demands of their users.

When it comes to marriage, India has had a mix of liberalism and rigidity. In ancient Indian some royal families are known to have practiced what is called “Swayamvar”, meaning choosing your own husband, where a princess was allowed to pick the prince she liked. Swayamvars seem to be making a comeback with a major marriage portal recently organizing what can only be called a matchmaking melange where hundreds of men, women and their relatives gathered to shortlist future spouses.

Arranged marriages are not exclusive to India or Asia. The Victorian era has seen quite a few of them. Also, friends and family helping out is not uncommon in the Western world. An editor once joked about how Western parents also play the game of influencing their children's decisions by introducing them to prospective spouses/partners but making it look like an accident :)

But this system has found an almost permanent home in the Indian subcontinent. Vikas Kamat gives the lowdown on the traditional way of arranging marriages in India on his family website, Kamat's Potpourri. Vikas talks about how, at some point of the negotiations, the prospective couple are allowed to meet. This is more common now. Some of my friends say their parents saw each other for the first time on their wedding day.

So, has technology birthed a compromise solution? Maybe.

(Tomorrow) Part 3: Why arrange?