BlogHer - Your new mom blog (Part III): Let's get personal (or not!) - Comments

Thanks for a very thoughtful

LizaWasHere — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 10:02:12 -0500

Thanks for a very thoughtful post!

I use my real name and also my son's, but neither of those were decisions I made lightly. I'm also "out" as a blogger at work, so I know that I'm being read by people who know me and live in my area.

Ultimately, I felt like using a nickname or hiding my identity got in the way of my being able to write authentically. For me, it was contrived and felt like it.

The privacy question will get ever more complicated as Noah gets older, and I imagine that I'll review my opinion about what constitutes TMI in that context.

Liza
Founder & Coordinator, LesbianFamily.org
Personal Blog, LizaWasHere

naming creates intimacy

kyranp — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 08:16:40 -0500

I agree with Liz that the security issue, while real, is often blown out of proportion. I think the principle of break and enter applies--if someone is really determined to get in, they will find a way. If somebody really wanted to know my kids names or my husband's last name, I'm sure they could dig them up eventually. Chris Jordan posted recently on Notes from the Trenches that a reader was able to deduce her street address from identifiable information scattered throughout her archives. And she thought she was being careful.

I think the name or not to name question is more about setting the tone and the boundaries between you and your readers than it is of security. I think when you name your child, your readers are going to feel a more intimate connection, more emotionally invested in their lives. It's a powerful way to draw readers into your world. Using a substitute pronoun sends a constant signal that there is a boundary, a limit to how deeply into your life you are willing to take the reader in.

Kyran, Notes to Self

I decided to make my son

Susanne Fritz — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 07:31:51 -0500

I decided to make my son un-google-able on my blog. So he might remain "my son" there forever. I also have posted only pictures where he can't be identified.

I agree with Mom101 on that not everybody out there is after you. So I don't care much that one can find me and my family through my blog. I just figured that it's not up to me to decide the amount of privacy for my husband or son.

But typing "my son" and "my husband" does get a little awkward...

And I have considered moving the blog to an address like "creative.mother.thinking"something to get more anonymity. But then readers will have to follow and all the listings in directories I have will be invalid. Still not sure what to do.

creative.mother.thinking

Great post Jen

Mom101 — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 06:15:55 -0500

This is such a good topic - I know it comes up so often and you handle it beautifully.

My feeling is that people often ascribe sinister motives to blog readers that they wouldn't to random website readers. Say a photo of your children appear in the local paper for winning a spelling bee, and therefore on that paper's website - would you freak about violation of privacy or not?

So while I agree it's smart to figure out your own comfort levels about things, I think it's also good to keep any "risks" in perspective. I absolutely agree with Kyran that what your kids think about your writing in future years is a way bigger issue to consider.

Mom-101
Cool Mom Picks.com

Though I do post family

Liz Thompson — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 20:08:08 -0500

Though I do post family pictures on my blog, I don't use my rugrats' birth names - probably because I can remember their blog names, better - and try to remain as anon as possible, with the rest.

Not that the blogosphere really cares about my blogging nearly every aspect of my life, anyway - unless you're into dissing the neighbors, or blowing up your laundry - and that my kids aren't too worried about how they represent, because I'm already very content with embarrassing myself.

Still.

Blogging is a journey - I'm just tripping through life, like most of the bloggers I've had the privilege to read - travel with care!

Good series, Jenn.
--------------------------------------------
Family.com
Imperfect Parent
This Full House

Is there any other response to that than laughter?

Jennifer Satterwhite — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 11:35:33 -0500

I can see future entries now: "The Busy College student Formerly known as the Busy High Schooler Formerly known as the Busy Middle Schooler Formerly known as the Busy Elementary Student Formerly known as the Kindergartner Formerly known and the Preschooler Formerly known as Busy Baby just did something incredible, but by the time I typed all of that out, he got married."

Ha! :-)

~Jenn~
Mommy Needs Coffee | Mommybloggers

It can be a scary place!

Jennifer Satterwhite — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 11:30:05 -0500

My next segment on pictures of the kids and your family will cover some of the reasons people choose not to share pictures. Whereas some people don't think twice.

~Jenn~
Mommy Needs Coffee | Mommybloggers

You make an excellent point, Kyran

Jennifer Satterwhite — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 11:28:13 -0500

The fact that what we write about our children is crucial makes an extremely important point. That is definitely one of the topics that will be covered in this series. Thanks so much for your viewpoints on this. It makes you a great source to come back to later! :-)

~Jenn~
Mommy Needs Coffee | Mommybloggers

Seriously, avoid names that

Busy Mom — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 08:54:06 -0500

Seriously, avoid names that are age or stage related. Trust me on that one.

Busy Mom Blog

I rarely share pictures of

Deaf Mom — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 08:04:09 -0500

I rarely share pictures of my kids and if I do, sometimes I'll use a back shot or a far away shot. I'm still a new blogger (it hasn't been a year yet) and I'm just now sharing my last name online. Call me overprotective, but the internet is sometimes a scary place.

Karen
"Life is too short to pout all the time."
A Deaf Mom Shares Her World
Commercials for your website!

my stories, my kids' stories, drawing the line

kyranp — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 07:26:22 -0500

I have found it very simple to write about my children without using their real names or contrived ones. I use photographs of them liberally. That is my comfort zone, and as you point out, it is different for everyone.

Of far greater importance to me is what I write about them. For me it is very important that I don't trespass on my children's right to privacy. Since they are not old enough advocate for themselves in that regard, it is up to me to respect their boundaries. While their stories flow into and become part of mine, there is a line I will not cross. It's not an arbitrary, concrete one, but I know it whenever I come to it. And I know it when I see other mom bloggers cross it.

Kyran, Notes to Self

Your new mom blog (Part III): Let's get personal (or not!)

Jennifer Satterwhite — Tue, 10 Jul 2007 20:44:36 -0500

We've covered platforms (and you taught me a thing or two as well) and we have covered naming your blog. Now we come to one of the most important decisions you will make as a mom blogger. To name or not to name. Meaning, to use your real name and the real names of your children or to stay as anonymous as possible. This is an important decision for any blogger, but if you are going to be blogging about your children, this is one decision you really need to ponder. You must decide what is right for you and for your family. For as many women who are mom bloggers there are that many different opinions and reasons as to whether or not to use real names.

When I originally started my blog, I had cute names for the kids. As my freelance career started to move forward, my name was getting out there, I lost my own anonymity. And to be perfectly honest, I had a hard time remembering which child was called what. It took a certain authenticity out of my writing. So, I started to use the real names of my children.

Some mom bloggers don't think twice about using the real name of their child. Take Heather Armstrong of Dooce for instance. Not only does she use her daughter's name, Leta, she publishes monthly letters to her and talks freely about her life as a mom and her child's life. Another great example of a mom blogger using real names is Liz of Mom 101. She even petitioned the Internet to help her name her new baby. (To the best of my knowledge, they did not go with anyone's suggestion. Which, in actuality is fine because we all know eventually most moms end up calling their kids by their dog's name anyway.)

We have some moms who choose not to use their own names or the names of their family members. They come up with amazingly creative ways to refer to their offspring. Which leads to the question, "How long will you be able to stick with nicknames if you choose them?" If you start with a nickname, you should either stick with it or come up with a creative way to change it. Some mom bloggers do this with humor and grace. I have used her as an example before, but it makes me laugh. Busy Mom refers to her three children as (wait for it...) Busy Girl, Busy Boy and --my favorite-- the Not Yet Kindergartener Formerly Known as the Preschooler Formerly Known as Busy Baby. I cannot wait for that baby to hit high school. His name will be a blog entry in and of itself.

Some women choose to blog using their own first name but choose to keep the names of their children out of it. Rather than trying to come up with a cute nickname or a name they will forget, they make up the names of their children and use those instead. Sort of like a chance to rename all of your children if you had to do it all over again. A blog that admits to this is Rocks In My Dryer.

I'm a 30-something stay-at-home mom to four kids: Adam (age 9), Stephen (age 8), Joseph (age 6) and Corrie (age 2). Those aren't their real names, and yes, as a matter of fact, I HAVE mistakenly called them by their "blog names" before.

I know of several bloggers who do this, but if they don't admit to it, I am not going to call them out here. I just want you to know that it is an option to just make up names for your children. If it makes you feel better keeping their anonymity, I recommend this route. Let's face it, little "Cutie-Pie-Baby" won't be a baby forever. One day (and trust me on this because I have one in my house) they become teenagers. They do get mad being referred to as "Cutie-Pie-Baby." (They are not too fond of "Surly Teen With An Attitude" either.) If you have always called your child Fred, he can remain Fred regardless of age or personality. If their blog name changes with each age, it may get confusing for not only your readers, but for you as well.

So, why would you want to keep as much information private? Because the Internet is not just the nice corner of people who leave comments on your blog. It is not just your fans. It is vast and not always nice. Some women feel it is crucial to keep as much information as they can as private as possible for their safety and the safety of their children. Some were put into that position due to ugly circumstances. Take Moody Mama. She keeps everything as neutral as possible for former harassment reasons. Now, if you want to know about her you can learn that her children are MB1 through MB5 and MG and that she is married to Moody Dad. That keeps her world as small as she must have it.

The whole point of this part of the series is to make you think. And to show you that you have options when it comes to using real names on your mom blog. You must remember one thing: No matter how small your corner of the Internet is, unless you have a password protected blog, you have no idea who is reading it. You must find a comfort level with the amount of information that you put out there. If you know that it is already there and you and your family have a comfort level with that, go for the real deal. If you don't care about your name but want to protect your children's names at all costs, go with a nickname or just make up a name for them. And remember, you do have the option to try to keep everything anonymous. I do have to warn you about that one, though. One bit of information that is too revealing and you can get Googled and outed. Not that I am trying to scare you. I just want you to be aware that there are people out there that if given a reason, they will do what they can to try to figure out who you are. So be careful with anything you put out there if you want to truly be unidentifiable.

Remember that through your words, you are showing off your family to the world. Which leads me to the next segment in our series: Do I use pictures of my kids online? Why or why not?

~Jenn is going to go see if she can talk her children into letting her rename them "Not-Me", "Hey-You", and "I-Don't-Know" since she hears those names so often at home.~
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You can also find my writing at Mommy Needs Coffee, Mommybloggers and Aggroqueen.

img source: Elmwood Magic