BlogHer - Being Misunderstood: Think Before You Speak - Comments

Have I ever been

zchamu — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 11:31:53 -0500

Have I ever been misunderstood? You mean, have I ever blurted something out and have it totally imply something that I didn't want it to mean, have the words that come out of my mouth be something completely different than what I expected them to be? Ha. Yes.

Let's see. There was the time that, at a friend's wake, I was talking to the son of the deceased and was tearing up, and his wife pulled a kleenex out of some hidden pocket and offered it to me. I said thank you, and in my brain the words formed to say "hey, she's good to have around!" you know, jokey, lightening the mood, implying she's prepared for anything, like a boy scout but what I actually said was "hey, she's good for something!" the implication being she's otherwise useless... ugh.

Or how about the time I was having dinner with my husband and his boss, and his boss was talking about how he said something disparaging about George Bush, not realizing he was at a table full of Republicans, and I meant to blurt out "oh, no, you didn't!" and I actually said, "oh, no, you moron!" Yes, yes, that went over well.

I particularly get in these messes when I am somehow nervous and I speak before I think. After the 'moron' comment, I had to talk to my coach about it. I have consciously taught myself to notice these signals of nervousness in myself; to slow down, to pick my words more precisely. Better to slow down and be thought an idiot, than to open my mouth and prove it. :)

ThreeSeven... attention deficits at work.

Watch out for email

jaycee — Sun, 22 Jul 2007 20:37:12 -0500

I tend to write emails like I talk which has been my downfall sometimes. That is I write concise emails as if I were answering them face-to-face. Of course, emails don't convey facial expressions and I've been completely misunderstood. I've learned my lesson and try to be very careful now with what I write. I write a draft, save it, and come back to it later.
This applies to personal and work emails.

Semantically driven and Safari suit.

Being Misunderstood: Think Before You Speak

Zandria — Sun, 22 Jul 2007 19:41:26 -0500

There are different levels of misunderstanding, but they're never fun to deal with. The worse part of being misunderstood is when you say something that's taken negatively, but you didn't really mean what you said in the way the receiver perceived it. It's a potentially dangerous situation because feelings can get hurt, no matter how many times you explain that you didn't mean what you said in the way the person thought you meant it.

This doesn't always mean that the speaker is entirely in the clear. I recently had a situation where a good friend took something I said wrong, and it took me a very long time to convince her that I hadn't meant what I said in the way she took it. It was important to me that she understand and believe me, because I care very much about preserving our friendship. In the end she said she believed me, but in the back of my mind I still wonder if everything is truly okay. Will those same words come back to haunt me one day? I can't take them back; all I can do is continue to maintain that I didn't mean to hurt her.

The situation did make me resolve to be more careful in the future. I have a habit of blurting things out sometimes without taking the time to think about possible consequences. Words are so powerful. It doesn't matter in what form they leave your body -- whether through your lips as spoken syllables or through your fingers for the purposes of being read -- they have the power to change things. How is the other person going to interpret what you say? Even if you didn't mean what you said negatively, there's always a possibility it could be taken that way.

ACheng made a casual comment to a friend, not realizing he would be offended by what she said:

Last night for the first time, I felt really betrayed. Although it was between the two of us, it was still what I'd consider a "low blow". I made a comment, and retrospectively, I probably should have chosen my audience for that comment more carefully, but I had thought that he'd be truly accepting of any opinion I had, merely because he's a close friend and should know that my comments are entirely my opinion.

Tiramisu doesn't name names or give specifics about the person she's referring to, but in her post she's asking someone to be more careful with her feelings and to speak more carefully. "Think before you speak," she urges.

Have you ever considered my feelings? Can you please put yourself in my shoes before jumping to conclusion? Oh please! I'm old enough to think of what I'm doing. I'm not even committing a crime now. So what's the problem all about? Previously, you always complained on almost everything I did. You were never pleased with me but because of respect, I still listen and comply to the things you said...and until today, I still respect you.

Another factor of being misunderstood is when the other person tries to tell you that this is what you meant by what you said. In response, you might employ phrases like: "That's not what I meant," or "You're putting words in my mouth," or "No, that's not what I think." I found the perfect response at Lovely Box of Mine. This is a quote by Robert McCloskey:

"I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."

Have you ever been misunderstood?

Contributing editor Zandria also blogs at Keep Up With Me.