BlogHer - Britney, America Ferrera and a lactivist walk into a bar... - Comments

Why Loving Our Bodies Matters

KarlyP — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 01:02:47 -0500

The fact that women are so hard on their bodies, and that the inherent miracle of a woman's body---its ability to grow and nurture a new life---is denigrated by society brings me to tears. It brings me to tears, brings me to anger, and brings me to action. It brings me to my life purpose, which is helping women love and accept their bodies, and themselves.

I believe that learning to love and accept our bodies is one of the greatest issues facing women today: I have yet to meet a woman who is unaffected by body image "stuff." And while body bashing manifests as a physical issue, I believe that it is, at its core, a spiritual one: a drive for perfection, rooted in a fear of unworthiness. Bashing our bodies for being imperfect -- fat, flabby, wrinkled, grey, stretch marked -- isn't really about our bodies. We see ourselves as imperfect, and therefore, unacceptable. Our bodies, because they're the part of ourselves that is most visible to the world, are simply the most convenient scapegoat: the outer target of our inner critic.

My husband, playing devil's advocate, asked me an interesting question the other day: Who cares if women love their bodies? Why does it matter? Granted, this comes from a person who has never struggled with food or body issues, and as a man, his body hasn't endured the scrutiny of my own. But his question is a good one: Why does it matter?

Here's why it matters: Body hatred affects everyone around us, not just ourselves. It trickles down in insidious ways: seven year old girls who think they need to lose weight, or teens whose focus is not on figuring out what they want to do with their lives, but rather on how they can emulate the latest celebrity. Yes, those are direct consequences of our collective body bashing. Every 3rd grader on a diet? That's my fault, and yours.

But body hatred also trickles down like this: You're bitchy and irritable (often because you're on a diet, and hungry) or you're sad and depressed (your self esteem is shot since you gained fifteen pounds) so you snap at your daughter, overreacting. Or you gossip about your thin, beautiful neighbor, because you're jealous of her ease with her body. Or you refrain from going to a job interview because you're scared: you don't feel confident enough in your appearance to go.

Body bashing keeps us stuck. It keeps us anxious, and unconfident, believing we're never good enough. It keeps us stressed, where everything is a possible trigger: magazines, TV shows, parties, holidays, family get-togethers. We exhaust ourselves with comparisons: comparing our bodies to other women's'; comparing our bodies to our own (If only I could look like I did ten years/twenty pounds ago.)

Loving our bodies matters because we can't hate our bodies and love ourselves. We are holistic creatures. We are comprised of body, mind, and spirit. They are not as separate as we might think: what we think about one part of ourselves seeps into the others.

But, even more importantly, here's why body acceptance matters: I can't be the woman, mother, wife, daughter, friend, or person I wish to be if I am consumed with thoughts about my body. You can't be the woman, mother, wife, daughter, friend, or person you wish to be if you are consumed with thoughts about your body. Multiply this factor by the millions of women who dislike their bodies---and according to recent surveys by Dove, it's nearly all of us---and what do you have? Generations of women who are trapped; their dreams, passions and deepest desires on hold; women who are unable to offer their talents to a world that needs their help.

Ladies, the world needs our healing. If you think the world would be a better place if more women ran it, think about how we could run it if we devoted all the time, energy, and money we devote towards fixing our bodies into fixing the world.

I remember my personal epiphany: I had just turned 30, and realized that I had spent the last decade trying to regain the super-skinny body I had as a bulimic 19 year old. I thought that if only I ate really, really healthy food, I could have that skinny body again. Nope. The only way I could be that skinny again was if I starved myself, which I wasn't willing to do.

So I surrendered. I released my body war. I prayed and asked God to remove my desire to be skinny. And I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed. My transformation didn't occur overnight. Like everyone, I am a work in progress. But that step was the first in reclaiming my life: releasing the shackles that kept me trapped, imprisoned by the false belief that life would begin once I finally lost ten pounds.

Now I am free and clear to do the work that I was born to do: encouraging women. I am free and clear to connect with women, my children, my family and with the world. I am free and clear to dive into myself, to be the best me that I can be, without fear; to love and accept all parts of myself, without judgment.

Learning to love our bodies is serious business. Its effects are profound, and far reaching. It may be some of the most important work that you do. It is some of the most important work that I have done.

Love your body; change your life. Love your body; change the world.

Love your body: it matters.

Karly Randolph Pitman
karlyp@firstourselves.com
www.firstourselves.com

Yes, Lovebabz, we do indeed have an audience too...

Lisa Stone — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 15:18:06 -0500

...you make a great point. I love the suggestionjaycee has above...

Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder
Surfette

Thanks Morra! :)

Lisa Stone — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 15:15:02 -0500

Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder
Surfette

WOOT Erin! So far it looks like you have 125 of 126 comments...

Lisa Stone — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 15:14:31 -0500

in your favor, in this beautifully written post. Rock on!

Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder
Surfette

Lisa, you made me feel sympathy for Britney

Morra Aarons Mele — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 08:24:44 -0500

that's a feat! Awesome post. I'm fired up.

Bill Maher is an ass@@3$45%^

Lovebabz — Sat, 15 Sep 2007 19:37:54 -0500

Sisters
Listen, I am all for challenging the status quo. But there are some folks that are beyond the help needed to get them functioning in the world. What he says is not so important. Yes it is insulting and stupid; the real deal is what we know to be true. And yes he has an audience; but I say we have an audience too. and I believe there are more breastfeeding mamas in the world than not. Later for him and those that think he is witty. What your breast produces is more prescious than any mineral mined by mindless men. The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.

Love,
Babz
www.lovebabz.blogspot.com
my journey. my life.

let's try that link again

Erin Kotecki Vest — Sat, 15 Sep 2007 18:58:14 -0500

Hmm, try this

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/erin-kotecki-vest/bill-maher-can-suck-my-t...

Politics & News Contributing Editor
Queen of Spain

You Rock!!!

ExpectingExecutive — Sat, 15 Sep 2007 12:51:58 -0500

Oh Erin!!! You are such an inspiration.

I saw your post on HuffPo this morning and commented over there. Great post!!!

You have my support!

Erin
ExpectingExecutive
In order to change your life, you must first change your life.

I could use some BlogHer support!

Erin Kotecki Vest — Sat, 15 Sep 2007 09:50:27 -0500

I took on Bill Maher last night.

Piece on Bill Maherl

Politics & News Contributing Editor
Queen of Spain

What do women think about their image?

jaycee — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 21:23:46 -0500

I'd posted this on a very similar (the same?) post here http://www.blogher.com/so-britney-america-ferrera-and-lactivist-walk-bar.

Maybe instead of taping advice onto our mirrors we should tape up pictures of real women - women with curves and wrinkles. Non-Photoshopped women. And maybe we should stop buying those magazines that Photoshop women to their skeleton.

Perhaps as well as taping these images to our mirrors, we should add them to Facebook too. We could start up a 'This is how women really look' Facebook group, or similar. I'm just saying Facebook because of the lactivist thing.

I did a search trying to find writing about womens' image and couldn't find anything apart from the odd blog post and a couple of small websites about 'real women'. Someone else might know of something, or there is some scope there to start something.

As for self-image advice? If you have self-confidence and self-esteem then image doesn't really matter.

I know it's hard to build those two things and I wish I could take my own advice.

Jen at Semantically driven and Safari suit

Nice one

Lisa Stone — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 11:48:00 -0500

Bad baby! :)

Seriously, the implications this decision has for the role of the breast and, hence the role of women who have breasts, is pretty depressing. That's why I love Mir's post -- and the responses.

Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder
Surfette

whoops they did it again

Genevieve Tucker — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 00:35:18 -0500

I'm still reeling from the news that they pulled a feeding babe off Facebook. For what? Being hungry?

Genevieve blogs at
reeling and writhing
and
library sputnik

In order to get to "The MORE: we have got to face the truths.

Lovebabz — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 21:32:12 -0500

Sister Kraft,
With all due respect, as long as we refuse to call this what it is; as long as we let this stuff go on so that we can live our lives un affected, because they are not saying these things about us...personally. I say as Frederick Douglas said, Power concedes nothing, it never has, it never will People want crops without rain. We absolutely do know the words to say. But we choke because each of us has to deal with our own self image, we have deal with the fact that we each try to reach that illusive standard that God knows who set. And if Brittany falls then its because she is weak and fat. We don't fall back on fat stuff we race toward it. Because as the study shows middles school girls would rather die than be fat. Where do they get that stuff? Yes that is part of the problem. Not owning our part in this. We are the problem. And that my friend is the rub. I have faith in women and someday we will grow tired of this rollercoaster and will claim what the universe has been waiting for us to do. Move women and girls to a place where being healthy replaces being thin. Being healthy becomes the goal and if need be becomes the new sexy. I don't have time to be patient I am raising daughters who I fear may think their worth lies in their asses pointed up and their lips pointed out. I have sons who may value physical beauty over intellectual substance--and may not think that the two can exist. If you don't believe this is awake up call to women, then God help us all.
Love,
Babz

We are all that, Babz and Lisa. And more still

Christine.Kraft — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 20:06:04 -0500

But power is pretty scary... So we have to be patient with each other and sooner or later we'll take off that mother's hood we hide behind and discover how to come together without losing ourselves.

Empathy for Brittney, not judgement: She's not "fat," she's struggling . . . But when we don't know how to give it words, we fall back on that fat stuff . . .

Coco Kraft
Blog: Coco Kraft and the Village Elders
http://cocovillage.blogspot.com/2007/09/today-it-was-total-shoe-meltdown...

Babz, I am printing your comment and putting it in my wallet

Lisa Stone — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 12:55:10 -0500

...for the bad days. Brilliant. Thank you!!

Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder
Surfette

Britney, America Ferrera and a lactivist walk into a bar...

Lisa Stone — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 02:28:26 -0500

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September 12, 2007

Hi everyone,

Why vent about the portrayal of female personalities in mainstream media when I can tell a story instead? Here goes:

So: Britney, America Ferrera and a lactivist walk into a bar.

"What'll you have?" asks the barista.

BRITNEY: "I'm one of the world's wealthiest women and most popular performers, but my heart is broken, my liver is shot, my nerves are crumbling under the strain of caring for two toddlers and working too. And you know that dream where you show up at high school naked and everyone laughs at you? That just happened to me at the Video Music Awards and every media outlet on the planet is saying I'm old, ugly, washed-up and ruined at 25. I want someone to tell the world who I really am." More: Britney -- The Fallout by Jenny Lauck

AMERICA FERRERA: "I'm an award-winning actress who is hottie-mc-hot-hot and I have a hit show. But nobody knows what I really look like because everyone Photoshops me into someone else's body. Once, just once, I'd like my image to appear on a magazine cover without someone uglying me up or glamorizing me down a ribcage or two. I want someone to show the world who I really am." More: Learning the Lessons of Ugly Betty: Real Women Have Curves by Maria Niles

LACTIVIST: "After I worked like crazy for nine months to grow my baby, birth it, and figure out how to breastfeed this screaming machine, Facebook nuked my profile because I showed photos of my baby nursing. Apparently, the guys running the site think my baby's dinner is more obscene that the not-safe-for-work sites on Facebook. I want their mothers' email addresses. And I want to show and tell the world who I really am." More: Everything I never wanted to know about breasts I learned from Facebook by Mir Kamin

BARISTA: "You'll need these." She plops three laptops and three sets of earmuffs on the bar.

BRITNEY: "Ummmm...?"

BARISTA: "Here's how to go online. (clicks) Now here's how to blog. If you want the world to learn who you are, ladies, you can't risk waiting for someone else to write your truth. You're going to have to show and tell it yourself, or it will never see the light. Look at your own news coverage from this week, hello? Do you not read Wil Wheaton?"

Silence

LACTIVIST: "...And the earmuffs?"

FERRERA: "They block the noise about us."

BARISTA: "Nooo, hon, they're not that strong. These earmuffs are a reminder that you need to stop listening to that noise -- especially the voices inside your head that tell you what these people say matters."

BRITNEY: "Plus they're dead sexy. Very 'hot construction worker'. I have these boots..."

BARISTA: "I need a drink."

The end

I know, keep my day job, right?

But this post feels better than me throwing a world-class tantrum about the number of media outlets stealing the voices of women by changing, removing and/or framing their images in ways that are abusive to their subjects and rotten to the rest of us. What BlogHer editors initially reported as a hot trend has evolved into an epidemic. Maria Niles looks back at recent weeks in her piece, Learning the Lessons of Ugly Betty: Real Women Have Curves:

"Hot on the heels of the Redbook/Faith Hill photoshopping outrage (Read posts from ClizBiz and Susan Wagner) and despite the previous positive response to Jaime Lee Curtis' More magazine reality photos and the Dove Real Beauty campaign, we are treated to the latest media message that real women's bodies are unacceptable..."

While BlogHer cannot stop the madness, I'm eager to have us provide alternative perspective on these women these events. So tell me, please, pretty please: If you were sitting at a bar with Britney, America or this Lactivist, or even a young daughter, granddaughter, niece or neighbor, what advice would you give her?

Comments are open -- I invite you to join us here. If you contribute some great advice, I'll be back with a list for all of us to tape on our mirrors next week, including links back to your blogs.

And now, off to mix myself another day at the keyboards,

Barista Lisa

for Elisa, Jory and Lisa

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