BlogHer - Sexual Assault Survivors: SPEAK OUT! Together We are Strong! - Comments

Breaking the Silence on Childhood Sexual Assault

Keith Smith — Thu, 28 May 2009 13:18:32 -0500

I was abducted, beaten and raped by a stranger. It wasn’t a neighbor, a coach, a relative, a family friend or teacher. It was a recidivist pedophile predator who spent time in prison for previous sex crimes; an animal hunting for victims in the quiet, bucolic, suburban neighborhoods of Lincoln, Rhode Island.

I was able to identify the guy and the car he was driving. Although he was arrested that night and indicted a few months later, he never went to trial. His trial never took place because he was brutally beaten to death in Providence before his court date. 34 years later, no one has ever been charged with the crime.

In the time between the night of my assault and the night he was murdered, I lived in fear. I was afraid he was still around town. Afraid he was looking for me. Afraid he would track me down and kill me. The fear didn’t go away when he was murdered. Although he was no longer a threat, the simple life and innocence of a 14-year-old boy was gone forever. Carefree childhood thoughts replaced with the unrelenting realization that my world wasn’t a safe place. My peace shattered by a horrific criminal act of sexual violence.

Over the past 34 years, I’ve been haunted by horrible, recurring memories of what he did to me. He visits me in my sleep. There have been dreams–nightmares actually–dozens of them, sweat inducing, yelling-in-my-sleep nightmares filled with images and emotions as real as they were when it actually happened. It doesn’t get easier over time. Long dead, he still visits me, silently sneaking up from out of nowhere when I least expect it. From the grave, he sits by my side on the couch every time the evening news reports a child abduction or sex crime. I don’t watch America’s Most Wanted or Law and Order SVU, because the stories are a catalyst, triggering long suppressed emotions, feelings, memories, fear and horror. Real life horror stories rip painful suppressed memories out from where they hide, from that recessed place in my brain that stores dark, dangerous, horrible memories. It happened when William Bonin confessed to abducting, raping and murdering 14 boys in California; when Jesse Timmendequas raped and murdered Megan Kanka in New Jersey; when Ben Ownby, missing for four days, and Shawn Hornbeck, missing for four years, were recovered in Missouri.

Despite what happened that night and the constant reminders that continue to haunt me years later, I wouldn’t change what happened. The animal that attacked me was a serial predator, a violent pedophile trolling my neighborhood in Lincoln, Rhode Island looking for young boys. He beat me, raped me, and I stayed alive. I lived to see him arrested, indicted and murdered. It might not have turned out this way if he had grabbed one of my friends or another kid from my neighborhood. Perhaps he’d still be alive. Perhaps there would be dozens of more victims and perhaps he would have progressed to the point of silencing his victims by murdering them.

Out of fear, shame and guilt, I’ve been silent for over three decades, not sharing with anyone the story of what happened to me. No more. The silence has to end. The fear, the shame, the guilt have to go. It’s time to stop keeping this secret from the people closest to me, people I care about, people I love, my long-time friends and my family. It’s time to speak out to raise public awareness of male sexual assault, to let other victims know that they’re not alone and to help victims of rape and violent crime understand that the emotion, fear and memories that may still haunt them are not uncommon to those of us who have shared a similar experience.

For those who suffer in silence, I hope my story brings some strength, comfort, peace and hope.

My novel, Men in My Town, is based on these actual events.

Men in My Town is available now at Amazon.com

thank you all!

pookielocks — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 08:27:46 -0500

thank you all for coming forward!! keep speaking out!!!

Whenever I hear a comment

Angelalala — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 18:03:38 -0500

Whenever I hear a comment like that of Oprah I get two very strong reactions in quick succession.

The first is 'well you obviously have absolutely no fucking idea how strong the survival reflex is so shut up!'

The second is 'I'm really glad you have no idea cos that means you've not been through anything like it. But still, SHUT UP!'

I was sexually abused as a child and took my stepfather to court this year, seeing him jailed for not only what he did to me then but every effect it ever had on me for thirty years after. I cannot applaud you girls enough and will look into the links mentioned.

Blogging about it was my first step toward breaking the silent shame I held all those years - speaking out really does put the shame back where it truly belongs, and that sure ain't with us.

http://fussybitch.blogspot.com

i wish i was alone in this

alyssaroyse — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 17:19:08 -0500

wow. your stories are amazing. i am comforted, of course, to not be alone, but if ever there were a time i wish i were...... i would really like to find a way to collect voices and stories and whatnot. i don't know in what way, or what form, but clearly we are on to something here.

we are gathering force on JUST CAUSE, but I'm not sure what will happen with it yet. http://justcauseit.com/causes/sexual-assault-survivors

Check out, also, the FEAR project videos, they're amazing. http://www.timmatsui.com/flash/PROMO.html

___________
Alyssa Royse
JUST CAUSE
make some good news!
www.JustCauseIt.com

Agreed!

maryrwise — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:12:18 -0500

I was kidnapped at gunpoint from my college campus 37 years ago, taken to an apartment, and gang raped all night. I've spoken freely about it since then, written about it in my former online journal (and been called a "trainwreck" for doing so), and, like you, reclaimed my life. While it will forever be part of who I became, it does not - and will not - define me.

The Oprah comment stuns me. It reminds me of the propaganda I received in grade school, where we girls were presented with St. Maria Goretti as a role model - a teenage girl who resisted her rapist until he killed her. She was canonized for it. So yeah, resist, get killed, achieve sainthood. No thanks; I prefer life.

I was "lucky" in that the crime got reported (I would not have done it had the rapists left me with my car keys), the police were sympathetic, and the rapists got (Excuse me) cocky and more brazen. They were caught, convicted, and sentenced to life in prison, although I suspect none of them are still incarcerated.

Thanks for this post; I'm only sorry it's still necessary.

The Blog: Red Nose
The Book: Girl Clown

Raped - and almost proud of it.

Denise — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 11:03:37 -0500

I can relate. Completely.

~Denise
Fast Times @ Homeschool High & Flamingo House Happenings

Your strength is inspiring

Maria Niles — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 20:38:05 -0500

There is power in your story and in sharing it. Thank you.

Kleenex® Let It Out™ Blog
Beyond Help

I WAS RAPED, and I'm almost proud of it.

alyssaroyse — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 19:42:44 -0500

It has been years (20 of them) since an armed man broke into my home and raped me in my bed, at gun point, the summer after I graduated from high school. It is something that I have written about, spoken about, and a story I continue to tell. Because I am proud of it.

I am not proud that it happened, but I am proud that in the 20 years since it happened I have lived a life filled with love, sex, compassion, passion and a deep understanding that rape is a crime that has nothing to do with sex. It is a VIOLENT CRIME, it is not a sex crime.

I am proud that when I speak to both men and women about it, they come to understand that although it impacts many people, it is a reflection on the rapist, not the survivor. They understand that violence can not be tolerated. How a survivor can thrive and love afterwards, that's a reflection on the survivor, and they can and should be proud.

They understand that there is life and love after rape. I agree that not enough women speak out about it. And I wish they would.

I am involved with 2 organizations that I think do great work. The FEAR project (Friends Educating About Rape) provides speakers and multi-media educational programs to facilitate conversation about rape. www.fearproject.org.

As the founder of JUST CAUSE (which is officially launching next week, but is live now) I have started a "cause" called Sexual Assault Survivors http://justcauseit.com/causes/sexual-assault-survivors that I hope will become a vibrant place for people to discuss all the issues related to surviving rape. Additionally, they can promote organizations they support, and plan events - from discussions to fundraisers. (It's small now, but you can log on and start blogging about it, that's how we'll grow.)

The idea behind JUST CAUSE is to create an online social networking environment in which people can connect and work together around the causes that matter to them. This matters to me.

I remember watching Oprah once, one of the shows where she has on "everyday heroes." She interviewed a woman who had fought off an armed rapist, and Oprah said to her something like, "I know I would rather be dead than raped." And I gasped. Because when someone held a gun to my head and told me he would kill me if I fought him, I made a clear decision to choose to live. And in the 20 years since, I have lived to the fullest, a life filled with love and sex and joy, and no man with a gun can take that from me. And that makes me proud. It is something I am happy to share.

Thank you for bringing this to everyone's attention. I applaud you, and hope we can work together to celebrate life, eliminate violence and applaud the strength of the human spirit.

___________
Alyssa Royse
JUST CAUSE
make some good news!
www.JustCauseIt.com

Sexual Assault Survivors: SPEAK OUT! Together We are Strong!

pookielocks — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 08:22:14 -0500

It amazes me that even in the year 2007, we, as a society, are still "not speaking" about Rape/Sexual Assault/Child Abuse as if it remains a taboo topic! We women as a whole have fallen into the unstated mentality that if we don't speak of it, or if we pretend it doesn't exist, it will never affect us or a beloved family or friend.

Not true!

According to RAINN, the nation's largest Anti-Sexual Assault association:

*Every 2 minutes, in America, someone is sexually assaulted.
*1 in 6 American women are victims of sexual assault, and 1 in 33 men!
*About 44% of rape victims are under age 18 and 80% are under age 30.

This is a societal epidemic that needs to be stopped! While the previous statement is obvious to most of us, many of today's women wonder what exactly can be done to lower those statistics.

It's easy! SPEAK OUT!

If you are a sexual assault survivor, SPEAK OUT! Tell your story! It may not be something your friends and family and coworkers want to hear about, but what you say may be able to help them in a similar situation. As a survivor, you have an obligation to protect others from the harm you have come under. Just by sharing your story, someone else may pick up a tip that may save his/her life at a later date!

If you are not a survivor, you can still SPEAK OUT! Get on the internet or call a local Rape Crisis Center and get information about preventing sexual assault, then share them with every woman you know! Education and knowledge are a key to preventing others from becoming a statistic.

If you are interested in learning FREE Safety Tips, please visit the following websites for more information.

RAINN
Vday
National Sexual Violence Resource Center

If you are interested in SPEAKING OUT, you can be a part of any of these activities!

Take Back the Night
The Clothesline Project

If you're a Survivor and are interested in getting support from other survivors, feel free to join my online message board community located here at Taking Back Control MB or visit my Survivor Website here. It is a password protected community that will allow you to commune with other survivors in a safe, respectful environment. All you have to do is register, and I will approve you for same-day posting rights!