BlogHer - It's Not Me, It's You - the Art and Sadness of Friendship Break-ups - Comments

Friends Come and Go

BalancingMotherhood — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 07:41:41 -0500

All of these comments are soo good. There is so much joy in friendships, but there can be pain. I look at it this way .. friendships are there while you want them to be. Don't cling to them forever. You "loose" one friend, a new one will come along. As we age and change, so too will our friends. I believe that certain friends are in your life at certain times -- the times they are meant to be there. Let them go if they want to, or keep them close if you can. But, don't worry too much about it.

I think melncali's comment about bridesmaids sums it up quite perfectly. I had a large wedding party and there are a few of the women that I haven't seen or heard from in years. If I were to run into them I'd welcome them with open arms, but I'm not dwelling on the past. They were there for me when I needed them; and I'll be here if they need me one day.

Alicia
BalancingMotherhood.com

I don't know, honestly.

lauriewrites — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 22:48:50 -0500

Friendships can change for any variety of reasons. I think it requires some honesty on our own parts to see what might have happened from our end. Then, if we know we did the best we could, it's time to see if we care to or can fix anything. And if not that's where acceptance comes in.

I hope you had a good time at your friend's house. At least an invitation was offered. That's a good sign.

Laurie

LaurieWrites

Good for you, Jessica.

lauriewrites — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 22:22:23 -0500

Last year a person I considered a friend treated me very badly. I told her that I couldn't help her with a project becaue I considered it cheating. She wouldn't take the "No" and kept pressing me. I told her that I didn't appreciate this, and that it had taken me many years to get the courage to say "NO" and mean it, without fear of retribution or loss of friendships. She said, "Do you have to start with me?"

Some people are (sometimes almost) never satisfied. Feeling used does not feel good..and self-blame is usually excessive...imho.

Laurie

I understand projection and reflection...

lauriewrites — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 22:17:57 -0500

but I can't go there with you to their faults being a reflection of your own flaws entirely.

Sometimes people are mean, or selfish, or just not right for us and it takes awhile to reach that conclusion. I don't like conflict, and of course it's easy to go longer than one ought to in dealing with it...Some relationships are worth working out through talking, resolving, etc - as some of the bloggers I linked to indicated. Some, though - not so much.

I believe that we do teach people how to treat us, but it shouldn't necessarily be a full-time job, and also that some people have no interest in learning. And I should add that I don't think ongoing animosity is ever really okay - but it is okay, in my opinion, to determine that someone no longer warrants a central role in your life anymore.

Laurie

Hi there. I'm new to

melncali — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 18:02:41 -0500

Hi there. I'm new to blogher, and am loving it so far!
After reading this post over a week ago, I definitely did some soul searching. I'm a 30 year old married women of a year.

Over the past year, I've somehow lost the girlfriends I had as bridesmaids in my wedding. The 3 of them seem to have faded away from me.

What would anyone else say to this situation? I know it's not uncommon but I've definitly done my fair share of putting fourth effort to stay in touch. Emails, calls and invites, but NOTHING.

I can't even remember the last time any of them asked how I was doing.

After almost a year, I'm having dinner at one of their houses tonight. Now, I just hope it really is just her and I like old times, and that she doesn't invite the whole crew of girls over - that I'm not even close too.

Happily married, but lost some friends...

i think I am being dumped -

BERNTHIS.COM — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 22:38:47 -0500

It is sometimes harder to be the dumpee but for once i realized that it is not my problem. this wooman is very unhappy and frankly, there is nothing I can do about it and lately I have felt veyr used by her, very. I won't get specific in case, for some bizarre reason shhe finds this post but suffice it to say, I have decided if she wants to talk, she knows my number. I used to get so upset over this stuff and blame myself. I'M DONE.
There are millions of people in the world and I don't need that many in my life to make it full. It took over 35 years to come to this conclusion but really it is her loss.

How about that for self esteem!:)

You teach people how to treat you....

LOLLY B — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 23:04:43 -0500

I have dumped two friends in my time and have felt a considerable amount of guilt over it. I now believe that we teach people how to treat us.I can now see that in the past I've let friends cross over my personal boundaries without speaking up. After a long time this passive approach becomes dishonest because you build a lot of resentment towards that person and it can lead to a dramatic break up that may have been avoided by some good old fashioned honesty.

In hindsight I now wish I had spoken up for myself and not let the situation get to a point where I've had to break up so painfully.

Looking back I was more mad with myself for being so weak and allowing myself to be mistreated. This behaviour meant that the breakups were quite a shock for my friends as I'd not demonstrated any dissatisfaction with their behaviour up until that point. I literally waited till I snapped and then dumped them.

Their faults were merely a refelection of my own flaws.

Dumping can often be the easy way out, talking and trying to resolve issues insteadwould facilitate much more personal growth.

I'm sorry, BlackBeltMama.

lauriewrites — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 22:08:27 -0500

I lived in Ohio for five years and made some great friends there. I am in good touch with exactly ONE of those people, intermittent touch with some people that I spoke to every single day and no touch with others. Distance is a crazy thing. I do wish you had at least some contact with your neighbor - e-mail has made my distant friendships/family relationships stay as intact as they can be.

Have you tried to e-mail her lately? Maybe you could try to break the ice again? Sometimes little misunderstandings and things we just overlook for basic "busyness" and getting caught up in our lives can blow up into bigger ones over time...

Laurie
LaurieWrites

The weight of the world can be heavy.

lauriewrites — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 22:05:13 -0500

If we all blamed ourselves for what we did in junior high, we'd probably spend our lives in (more) therapy. ; ) One of the points of my post, I think, was that we can't be all things to all people. Or even one, sometimes.

Sure, it would have likely been better not to cut her off, but there are two sides to every relationship, and responsibilities on each. By your logic, you'd be responsible for her success or failure throughout her life - something that has way more factors than one friend could or should ever be in charge of.

Just my take, but I'd give yourself a big break in this case.

Laurie
LaurieWrites

It's tough when your partner is involved.

lauriewrites — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 21:59:04 -0500

I've been in a few weird situation with friends of my boyfriends over the years....uncomfortable, to say the least. Glad things have worked out with you and your husband on that count, though. That's the most important thing in this case, it sounds like.

Laurie
LaurieWrites

You're so RIGHT!

blackbeltmama — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 11:23:03 -0500

My neighbor moved away two years ago. Although she moved several states away, we promised to keep in touch. We had done everything together. She moved; I got a couple email forwards from her, and then she dropped off the face of the Earth. The most upsetting thing is not knowing why; and you're right that friendship break-ups can hurt worse than other relationship break ups.

Link TextBlack Belt Mama

Regrets from years past

lizzen — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 10:49:17 -0500

I had a best friend from grade school up through junior high. Somewhere during my eighth grade year I decided I'd had enough of what I considered her "copying." She stole my personality, I reasoned, when she borrowed my clothes, talked the same way I did, copied my handwriting and even the little doodles I made on my notebooks. As a young teenager trying to carve out her own personality, I decided I couldn't do it with a tag-along "stealer," so I did the typical immature thing and wrote her a note, telling her why I wouldn't be her friend anymore. Other than the occasional run-in, I didn't speak or hang out with her again.

Years later in our junior year of high school, that same friend ended up pregnant and dropped out of school. My guilt then caught up to me. With a bit more maturity, I realized she had just been trying to find herself too and I was probably some sort of role model to her. Instead of helping or guiding her, I dropped her on her butt. I felt that because of my careless and callous attitude, I had started this chain reaction that led to what I saw as a "tragic downfall."

I'm sure this is a slippery slope, but I still to this day can't help but wonder what I really did to that poor girl whose best friend (me) cut off ties for her merely mirroring someone she admired.

I wish I had taken the higher road.

Just the Way It Is - A laugh, an epiphany, a like-minded soul

It's Very Difficult, but Worth It

lepetitchic — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 10:32:48 -0500

This was great. I wrote about this topic back in May and the two toxic friends I wrote about happened to find my post(http://lepetitchic.typepad.com/le_petit_chic/2007/05/toxic.html) though I never intended for them to read it. It was more of a vent for me. In the end, it turned out to be a good thing because my post and their reaction to it became a catalyst for my husband to finally get rid of these guys due to their lack of respect for my husband, for me and for our relationship.
It's been very trying because they were both very angry and have sadly turned it into a situation where they're twisting reality and having other mutual friends take sides. Ultimately, however, it has been so uplifting to get these guys out of our lives and it made us even more grateful for the wonderfully supportive friends we do have.

I've been through this a little bit, Megan...

lauriewrites — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 22:14:30 -0500

Worse than that however, was her attitude that I was no longer valuable to her as a friend because I wasn't with a guy. She somehow had raised herself far above me because now she was part of a couple. I felt dumped and marginalized and it was very, very difficult.

I think that's so horrible. Sorry for the judgment but it just is. I've been coupled some and mostly single in recent years, and if someone treated me like that I'd also have a very hard time maintaining the friendship. I do understand when people start a new relationship it's really easy to get caught up in it and there's that typical period where you're infatuated and might let other relationships slide. And I also know how important it is to maintain that connection with a partner. But friends are important too, and I think can bring a lot to a marriage/partnership...extending the circle, if you will. No one can be all things to anyone...and certainly no one should be made to feel less-than-whatever because of relationship status. That's craziness...Anytime anyone's ever mentioned my single status in even a vaguely negative way (hi Aunt Theresa!) I tell them next time they're in the Quality Man Store and they see a spare one lying around, to make sure and pick him up for me. This is a topic I'm not afraid to be direct about, because I'm not about to comment on other peoples' relationship status. Yuck.

I've been pretty lucky to have good relationships with most of my friends' spouses. I have a policy not to wear out my welcome when invited over and whatnot, and understand that family activities are important - but I've been included quite a bit and not such a third wheel.

Here's to healthier relationships. ; )

Laurie
LaurieWrites

Wow, what a great topic!

Megan Smith — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 09:23:48 -0500

Like you Laurie, I'm the single one with no kids in my circle of friends and that has been extremely difficult at times.

Friendships can often be like the guy you thought was one type of person and then after two dates you find out he's a totally different kind of person. I had a friend who I thought was one type of person and when she started dating a particular guy, who she later married, I saw a side of her that was never apparent when she wasn't with this guy. I remember thinking later that if I'd met her while she was with this man, we would have never become friends. The person she became was someone I didn't like anymore.

All of a sudden, I was the one who was supposed to compromise (about dinner choices, movie choices, etc...because I was single and it was so much "easier" for me. She and her husband never had to compromise for me.

Worse than that however, was her attitude that I was no longer valuable to her as a friend because I wasn't with a guy. She somehow had raised herself far above me because now she was part of a couple. I felt dumped and marginalized and it was very, very difficult.

When it got to the point that I felt depressed after all of my interactions with her, I had to back off. That was extremely hard because other friends were involved who were part of our circle and they now had to adjust...spliting their time between us.

It took a long time for all of it to shake out and the result is I still see this woman, but only a couple of times of year. And though "the breakup" was horrible and hurt for a long, long time, I don't regret backing off from what had become a very destructive relationship for me.

Megan
Megan's Minute

It's Not Me, It's You - the Art and Sadness of Friendship Break-ups

lauriewrites — Sun, 07 Oct 2007 22:32:03 -0500

Years ago, during a particularly difficult time in my life, I spent the day with a friend. She didn't have a car, so I picked her up and took her to lunch and shopping in a nearby city.

She complained all day long. She had to walk to work. She hated living in the city. The grocery near her was terrible. And oh, enough about her - what did I think about her? I was a counselor - didn't I have any advice? She never asked me how I was doing, or responded to anything I said about how much my life may or may not have sucked at the time.

I took her to the grocery store on the way home. She didn't thank me for the ride when she hopped out of my car, and far from her request that we "do this again real soon," I never spoke to her again.

I don't remember exactly how I handled the end of our friendship, and I can't say I was proud of it then, or am now. I'm the kind of people-pleaser you generally want on your team. I took some hits from others who thought I was being mean, or intolerant, or needed to pull "one more chance" out of the hat. But for whatever reason, I just couldn't do it. I'd finally gotten less patient with toxic personality traits, and carrying way more than my share of any sort of load in a voluntary relationship. This was the first time I'd quite simply said, "Enough," (even if it was under my breath) and meant it.

It wasn't easy. If you break up with a romantic partner, you can write a pop song or bad poetry (please not both!) and try to move on. Outside of the "can't we still be friends?" dilemma, no one expects you to maintain a daily or even intermittent relationship with a person who either just isn't that into you anymore, or about whom you've decided the same. Breaking up might be hard to do, but it's pretty normal.

Breaking up with a friend? Not so simple, and a bit more unusual. But sometimes, quite simply the best, if certainly difficult, option.

Julia Feldmeier's article in last week's Washington Post addressed this challenging life choice. She considers the various ways a friendship can end - the so-called "quick and dirty", or the more drawn out, some might say passive-aggressive approach.

First, an unreturned phone call and an ignored text message. Then a delayed e-mail, mildly apologetic, but, alas, life has been so hectic, so busy. You'll get together soon, really! The use of exclamation points is intended to suggest sincerity, earnestness...This, of course, is misleading. It's the phaseout, the nonconfrontational and oft-preferred method of ending relationships.

She concludes,

That is why breakups are so bittersweet. No matter how unsatisfying or destructive our friends may have become, we've invested in them. Bound to us by shared experiences and memories, they're hard to delete from our lives. Nostalgia is difficult to shake loose.

Perhaps that's why so many of us hope for the subtle phaseout: a way to distance ourselves without burning bridges. We keep the door open for the small possibility of reconciliation, the chance that they'll change, that we'll change -- or that circumstances will find us together again, in need of company, if not friendship.

WikiHow asks,

Has your friendship with someone become so dramatic, unhealthy, or troublesome that it needs to end for your sanity? Is the only reason why you're still friends with this person because you don't want to hurt their feelings or incur their wrath of you deserting them?

If so, they give a seven-step process to deal with it, including the way-too-difficult:

Decide to what extent you want to 'break up.' Do you want to bump it down from 'best friends' to 'close friends' or even to 'acquaintances?' Do you want to stop hanging out, or even talking, altogether?

Carmen from Diasporic Discontents has had some break-ups with friends that felt just fine, but a recent one has her reeling.

A long-time friend and I recently "broke up" and it's been having the strangest effect of me. I've been experiencing an entire spectrum of emotions and fluctuate between them all at the drop of a hat...I've been going through the five stages of grief pretty rapidly.

Vikki Ortiz, who blogs about the "adventures, disappointments, relationships and revelations of 20- and 30- somethings living in Milwaukee," for the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel is making some similar decisions.

I think breakups with girlfriends are, in some ways, even harder than breakups with guys, because they go against everything we've told ourselves about friendship since we were little. We signed our fourth-grade yearbooks with "Friends Forever," and honestly believed that's the way it would be...

After fourth grade, however, you start realizing that circumstance has a lot to do with why you are friends. If you don't have the same teachers, classmates, neighbors, roommates or whatever to talk about, you really have to find other ways to relate. History can only get you so far.

To complicate things further, your personalities begin to mature and evolve, which is mostly a good thing - except that it also can make us unrecognizable to the people who only knew your "before" version.

That's the situation I'm dealing with right now.

Brian Finch of Acid Reflux (also Miss Retrovirus) writes a lot, and well, about living HIV positive, and a little bit recently about a friendship running its course.

Just as with a boyfriend, one cannot just overlook the bad stuff and focus on the good in hopes of it just going away or not being bothersome. You can be a giving, caring, and a good person. But if the negatives remain, the resentment builds.

Sometimes the break-up isn't inevitable. Felicia C. Sullivan wrote recently on the Huffington Post about "How to Prevent the Best Friend Bust-up", after a potentially friendship-ending conflict with one of her closest friends. They found that communication was key, and often difficult - a funny thing in a world where it's supposed to be so easy.

It's a tragic irony that in our technologically advanced society, where one is able to reach someone in a myriad of ways (text, phone, email, blackberry, and the dinosaur: the letter), communication breakdowns run rampant and can destroy a friendship. Set aside time to have those critical conversations, preferably in person. Never engage in the email flame-war! Even with our frenetic schedules, Kate and I made a point to do the mid-week check-in.

Lain Ehmann, aka Knit and Purl Grrl of Scraphappy wrote an article a few years back called "Now It's Time to Say Goodbye: Ending Friendships", which Little Kou recently posted.

For many women, friendships are among the most important things in their lives. Some assume that the longer the duration of the friendship, the better the friend. But that's not necessarily true... The decision to terminate any relationship should come only after you've concluded that the connection is unsalvageable and you're better off without that person in your life. Remind yourself that ending things is the best decision in the long run, and that doing so will make room in your life for more positive, nurturing people.

Something inside of me snapped, or died, or whatever happens when something breaks off or ends, the day I decided to "break up" with my friend. This was not unusual behavior on her part, and I started to wonder why I tolerated it. I didn't have anything left to give, much less the will to approach the subject. I just knew that whatever I needed in my life at the time, she didn't have it. And more than that, she was sapping my energy when I just didn't have any to spare.

Sometimes you just have to take care of yourself. A good friend will help you out with that important task, and chances are any break-ups in those essential, supportive relationships really are just "breaks".

Laurie White blogs at LaurieWrites