BlogHer - Dating & Relationships: When to ask the hard questions--and why - Comments

Sex and Relationships

Dr. Coach Love — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 16:28:53 -0600

Dating and Relationships: 3 Stages of Attachment

When you are attracted to someone and spend time together, there are 3 Stages of Attachment (SOA): 1. Just Dating. 2. In a Relationship; and 3. Having a Partnership. You can not know when to ask the hard questions until you understand the stages of attachment.

Understanding your stage of attachment to another is critical. Does your stage match his/ hers? Mismatches of attachment usually create difficulties in most areas. Those areas could be communication, compromise, making plans, frequency of contact, affection, sex, loyalty, and, of course, the ”C-word”--- commitment.

Moving to the next stage might be indicated when your current attachment works. But you and he/she must be clear about a change in your attachment. Do not think or assume. Talk about it. Maybe he/she's just not that much in to you.

Let me focus on just dating in this blog. What kind of attachment is dating? When is a date successful? As part of my SOA model, here's a way to understand the process.

Success in Just Dating requires A SELF: 1. Action. 2. Safety; 3. Engagement;
4. Learning: and 5. Fun.

1. ACTION: Put yourself out there and take the reasonable risks, which come with meeting someone new. (You don't normally meet someone waiting in your kitchen, unless it's the proverbial worker with an exposed crack.) Nothing happens if you do not act.

2. SAFETY: Practice routine measures to keep your self physically safe, guard your privacy, and preserve your financial security. (Trust your gut. If you compromise yourself in any way to be with this date, you are not successful!)

3. ENGAGEMENT: Be yourself. Do not try to guess what he/she is looking for in a person. Do not fake it. If no genuine match, move on to the next date. (If you want to be an actor, audition for the big-screen. Or go on YouTube. It's easier.)

4. LEARNING: Learn about yourself, how you are perceived, what you like and dislike or maybe a particular topic-- sports, music, politics, architecture, or anything. (Perhaps you learn you are allergic to poached ostrich. You are rushed to the hospital with hives.)

5. FUN: Enjoy yourself. (You do remember what that is?)

At a minimum, to have an average (C+) dating experience, you need to take action and remain safe while learning something or having fun. You may or may not date this person again.

When you meet all 5 of the dating criteria on any date, give yourself an A+ for that encounter--- even if you never meet again. The encounter, as a date, was a success; but not necessarily a springboard for a deeper attachment, such as relationship or partnership.

After a series of dating encounters where both individuals perceive sufficient success based on the A SELF model, if there is agreement, the couple may advance to the relationship stage of attachment.

So while you need A SELF for satisfying dating, at the relationship stage, people also need A SOFA for success. If the stage of attachment increases into partnership, A PROBE is needed. These acronyms also provide important understanding into stages of attachment.

Does anyone want to know about A SOFA and A PROBE in my SOA model?

Regards, Dr. Coach Love
(Copyright 2008. P.H.Pickett)

Can People Change?

moddivorce — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 12:46:01 -0600

Your post is filled with great advice and prospective questions to ask. I usually ask those questions well before the 6 month mark though. I find it difficult to become attached to someone before learning that we might not work out as a couple, which can lead to a very lengthy not-so-right relationship that is harder to end later down the road. I have also found that if we are incompatible in some fundamental ways, where neither of us is willing to compromise, the relationship can be doomed to never ending challenges and a slow, painful death!

So, I wholeheartedly adopt your post with the exception of timing, especially if a woman wants to have a family. I think asking these questions within the first 3 months and before being physically intimate, works better for me.

Helene Taylor
The Modern Woman's Divorce Guide
http://themodernwomansdivorceguide.com/blog

Dating & Relationships: When to ask the hard questions--and why

susan mernit — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 02:10:41 -0600

In my three years as a single, I’ve learned that if I’m going get past the first few dates and actually start seeing someone, the next big milestone happens around six months. This is the point at which it’s clear, that while we get along, there are bigger questions to ask, like: “How closely does this person fit with what I think I want?” and “Do I know enough about this person’s strengths and weaknesses to really see him/her as they really are (in other words, without all that New Relationship Energy (NRE)? And “Do we fit together in a way that’s positive and enhancing for us both?”

These questions are hard, especially when hanging out together can be so pleasant, but they’re necessary if you’re considering taking your relationship to a deeper level. And if you don’t ask them, they don’t get answered.

For my friend Malcolm* a 40-something VC, the toughest question he had to ask Marissa, his girlfriend of six months, was why she was so resistant to learning more about his work. “It’s important to me that my partner know a lot about what do, so when I talk about work, she has some context,” Malcolm explained. “Marissa’s made no effort to do that with me, and I resented it. Finally, I just came out and asked her why she hadn’t made a greater effort, especially since I’d made an effort to learn more about her medical career (she’s an emergency room physician). She said that she didn’t think it was her responsibility to take care of my feelings related to the office, so we had a huge fight.” Now, three weeks after a brief break-up, Marissa and Malcolm are back together and having active discussion about how supporting one another’s professional lives fit into their dating and emotional life.

Letty, another friend of mine, spend six months dating Chuck, a former Zen Buddhist monk. They had a great time going to sustainability conferences, planning future co-housing, and just hanging out, but as the time went by, some serious questions about shared values emerged. “Chuck felt that a lot of my life was frivolous,” said Letty. “Working as a party planner and an event organizer seemed silly to him, even though I focused on green companies and local, organic suppliers. I realized I was dating someone, who, while he was very nice, basically just didn’t approve of me, and was getting kind of judgmental about it,” Although Chuck was open to discussing his values—and how he expressed them around Letty—she finally broke things off with him because the tensions between his values and her lifestyle became untenable.

“I found myself editing and censoring,”Letty says. “And I knew, right away, that if I had to hold myself back from saying what I thought to be dating someone, we just weren’t the right combination. It’s too bad, too, because in so many ways, Chuck seemed to be exactly the person I wanted.”

In my own relationship with A, whom I’ve been seeing for a little more than six months, the questions have been flowing fast and furious. We’ve discussed everything from political values to community consciousness, social mores to what we want in a life partner, and how we each measure/don’t measure up to those values. We’ve also talked—very carefully—about past partners—and where they currently fit into our emotional lives—not only in the real world, but in that emotional constellation called Who you still love, and why (and how does it make you feel?)

In all the discussions, some of the most helpful talks we’ve had had centered on the following topics:

How do you see this relationship fitting into your life?
How does that match—or not match—what you envisioned for yourself before we got involved?
How has that original vision shifted—or not—since we’ve been together?
Does this relationship feel like something you want to continue for a while?
If yes, why?
How could you see it evolving over time, and how do you feel about that? (In my own case, this is where I confessed my terror/reluctance of living with a partner, because I was scared I’d have to make too many compromises.
What are the problems you see with yourself in this relationship?
Are there ways you are thinking about addressing them?
What are the problems you see with me in this relationship? Are there things you wish you could get from me that right now you’re not getting?
Have you told me/asked for them? (And how important are they to you anyway? (i.e. Wanting to have a child is a far different level of potential future request than helping someone remember to go to the gym or manage their eating).
Where are the issues we don’t agree—and are there potential compromises?
If not, how important are they? Any deal breakers?

And just to remember to balance the tough stuff with the positive, and joyous—we’re also asked one another set of questions that function more like appreciations:

What are the ways our lives have been enhanced since we’ve been together?
How have each of us grown or evolved?
What’s something good between us you think we should focus on/do more of?
Tell me something unique about myself that you recognize and care for.

We’ve also discussed our own values, and how they affect a partner—our priorities for family, diet and exercise aren’t exactly the same, but if we’re going to continue to grow closer, we need to make some shared decisions about how those things fit into our time—a whole other set of agenda items for the how does our relationship move forward list.

So, some questions for those of you out there in recent relationship land—what are the important questions you ask yourself about a partner after you have been dating for a few months? What do you say to your date? And, most importantly, what are you criteria for keeping things going—and keeping them going forward?

* All names changed to protect privacy