Maria, I'd be honored. : )

lauriewrites — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 10:07:01 -0600

My mother believes I need a "tall rock'n roll guy", which removes Elvis from the equation on one count, anyway...not that Diana Krall seems to care.

She once picked a colleague out at a happy hour for me because he was wearing Vans and a Social Distortion t-shirt (not that she knew who they were...just obviously "rock 'n roll".) After my lack of luck with musicians, though, I think my family has collectively changed their outlook on that preference. ;)

Laurie
LaurieWrites

You could match me anytime, Laurie

Maria Niles — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 23:17:16 -0600

You I'd totally trust to create a profile for me. My mother, not so much.

Apparently about 25 years ago I once said I thought Elvis Costello was cute. To this day that's about the most sense she can make of my tastes and interests and it's her idea of a good way to tease me - "Maria likes guys who look like Elvis Costello (chuckle)." Sigh.

Beyond Help

Match Says: "Match Your Friends"

lauriewrites — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 23:46:32 -0600

A certain presidential candidate once claimed that it took a village to raise a child - but how much of your village do you want to involve in your grown-up love life?

Friends and family sometimes do help get relationships kick-started, whether it's with an intentional, elaborate set-up or a serendipitous introduction somewhere along the way. Obviously we don't live in vacuums and nor is that where we meet people. The people in your life know you and they also know people, some might even be people they think would be perfect for you. Yes, you - YOU you, sweet embraceable you, the single person who would like to hang out with another person, and doesn't seem to be getting that accomplished on your own - at least not at the rapid pace your office neighbor or best friend would prefer.

You probably know someone whose friend, sibling, co-worker or neighbor was instrumental - intentionally or otherwise - in connecting them with their significant other, or this might even be the case for you. My friend Marit, one of the most prolific Flickr'ers I know and a very talented graphic designer (with a specialty in wedding invitations, naturally), met her boyfriend through a neighbor. Who knew? They probably didn't, but all it took was meeting through people they both liked and had a lot in common with, and sweet history was made.

But that was an in-person thing. It's pretty easy to introduce friend A to friend B and see where things go from there. Online dating has been a traditionally more one-to-one enterprise, although I've known people who posted or helped to edit profiles for friends (with permission), took photos, or otherwise participated in sprucing up a loved one's online calling card (not to mention "just happening to show up" in the bar or hanging furtively around the restaurant just to make sure the match isn't scary or unbearable.) Now Match.com, one of the standbys of the online dating world, is formalizing the friends and family role with "Match My Friends". (Here's the British version - love the "Cupid vs. Fate" image there.)

Picture by me, hosted on Flickr.

"Why not give these singles some support?" Match asks. After posing this potentially loaded question, they take you to a list of people they think you'll do a great job matching up:

Your brother, sister or cousin, who might benefit from a larger pool of dating prospects. Your good friend who lives far away and could use a boost in the dating department. A friend who went through a divorce or breakup and is ready to start dating again. Co-workers, or even your mom, dad, or a grown child, if you have a "we tell each other everything!" relationship.

I tell my mom a lot of things, but I don't want her trolling Match.com for me, and when I heard that an acquaintance's dad was doing that and leaving promising profiles on the table for her, I believe I said "Ew." Might be for someone else, but not for me, which might be as much of a function of my aversion to online dating as anything (another post entirely, trust me.) For others less opposed I thought it might provide just the backup they need to take the plunge. So as soon as I learned about this service, I wanted to see how it worked. I dropped a note to several of my single friends, asking if they'd be my guinea pig partners in friend-matching crime.

I thought they'd all tell me I was crazy and to go away and leave them alone until I had a good idea, so I was really surprised when several of them e-mailed me back almost immediately to say "Hey, sure. Sign me up."

These people wanted me to write their profiles, and with my help they were willing to give online dating a shot. Even though I'd made it very low-investment, such that they could delete their profiles as soon as I figured out how it all worked, they didn't seem to care about that. So I got to work, thinking maybe there was something to this after all. Maybe I could swing it as an online Tevye, fiddling on my laptop. Or something.

With reality matchmaking show/trainwreck Rock of Love II replaying in the background, I sat through a mildly alarming intro video on Match with spokespeople Greg and Amiira Behrendt , authors of "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" standing next to their "hot friend Wendy". Quote from Greg (who also co-wrote "He's Just Not That Into You"):

"We like Wendy, and we think she's too awesome to be single."

Okay. Hot friend. Friend must be hot. Awesome people cannot be single? Okay. Must stop projecting to make this work at all.

This video led to another, this time with Greg and Amiira sitting around a table very beer-commercial-style with more hot friends, including one who thinks he could use some help writing his profile. Greg agrees:

"Well yeah, the first thing you say is 'I used to be fat.' Save the gifts for later."

So much possible commentary here, but anyway, I soldiered on. I started entering information into a profile for my friend Lauren of Oodleday. It took a while to write it. I mean, it's one thing to write a dumb profile for yourself, or to completely phone it in, but I sure wouldn't want to do that to a friend. It's also interesting to see how you describe your friend as compared to how you think they would describe themselves. Talk about an assignment.

I thought about how to appropriately capture Lauren's young, promising wonderfulness for so long that apparently Match saw fit to log me out for my own safety. Genius attempt at first profile: lost. After a minute or so of abject despair, I decided to flip the script and plug away at a profile for a close male friend, who also gave me an e-mail address AND the password so I could check out his responses. I had promised everyone they didn't have to communicate with anyone if they didn't want to, and they could provide as little or as much information as they wanted to, plus they would have ultimate approval of their profiles. I just needed their help to learn what the process entailed. I could have made up fake friends with accompanying e-mails, but that wouldn't be fair, and also held no promise of me stumbling over the perfect match online for one of my nearest and dearest. I might be a skeptic but I'm a romantic, idealistic contradiction in terms of a skeptic, man.

"You have a picture of me," he wrote, giving me control over his image as well and making me a little dizzy from the power.

This one worked. I filled in the usual statistical information (Smoking? No way! Occupation: Teacher or professor. Friends: Insane bloggers.) and then moved on to the hard part - the testimonial (why I think he's awesome) and his profile (why he thinks he's awesome, or at least datable.) Now, I have some great friends, and this particular friend is a doll. Love him. So the key was to write my testimonial such that it didn't verge on cheesy.

I think I failed. I wrote some nice things about him, which wasn't hard, and used another online profile I had access to, plus everything I know about what he likes to do and what he's interested in, to fill in the blanks. I had to write the profile as though he had, and the trouble there was to write it to reflect how great he was without making me-writing-as-him sound arrogant. It's one thing for our friends to say how great we are and mean it. It can ring a little false if we're the ones blathering on about ourselves, so I had to find a balance. I had the most trouble setting the parameters for who he'd like to date. Body art? I thought that he'd be down with that. But thunderstorms as a turn-on? No idea. Didn't want to go there.

After I finished writing the profile, I had to send an e-mail to him for his approval, so the person does always know what is being posted about them - no nasty surprises there. Friends also have the opportunity to go in an edit the profile, although I couldn't figure out if he could edit the testimonial. After he approved it, the profile was submitted to the Match.com powers-that-be who scan it for whatever they deem inappropriate, I guess, and then it's supposed to be posted within 72 hours. When all that's taken care of, we can both check out his supposedly great matches and he can go - or not - from there.

Lux Alptraum from the aptly named Boinkology says they weren't very impressed with the feature.

According to the release, Match My Friends is this totally futuristic feature “that allows anyone to virtually ’set-up’ their friends.” Wow, totally unlike anything we’ve ever seen before — how do they get all these awesome ideas?

We were tempted to try out the feature — we were told we could do so without signing up for a Match account — but the whole process was a little too complicated for our tastes. Alas: if we want to “set-up” our friends, we’ll just have to stick to Facebook.

Dave Evan at Online Dating Post

I have to say I was nonplussed when I came across this. Who’s going to create profiles for their friends? I can imagine that the spammers could have a field day with this. At least they’re trying something new.

Can you imagine the surprise when receiving an email link to your new profile, complete with photos? I would be floored, not necessarily in a good way. Can a guy make a profile for a guy friend or is that too weird?

After 30 days, unaccepted invitations are automatically deleted. Can you imagine spending an hour on a profile for a friend and having it get deleted?

You can search for people on behalf of your friend. I’m not going to fill out the entire profile, but it will be interesting to see how these searches are performed. Looks like you can search for siz people and email them to your friend. What about winking? Heck, I talked to a friend today, he wants me to email women for him- I’m such the wordsmith, ha.

What I did like was the testimonial feature. I hope they add this into regular profiles. I get a lot of new business leads from LinkedIn testimonials, and I would imagine that reading testimonials from friends and ex’s would be useful. Maybe not ex’s.

Edating News thinks the Match My Friends approach brings back the "small town" aspect of dating.

In a small town, or local setting, it is virtually impossible to pretend you are someone else. On the other hand, one of the most difficult things about online dating is determining if a personal ad is accurate. With the advent of Match My Friends, individuals now have someone else to ask about a prospective single. Perhaps where one person does not see an inconsistency in a profile, a friend or family member will.

Aside from this, there is also the factor of confidence. They say there is safety in numbers. Perhaps someone that is shy or introverted will feel safer when there are friends and family available on the personals website. Even though love knows no rules, it can be very difficult for people to take that crucial first step in seeking a date.

Finally, the attempt to provide some elements of small town dating to online websites can help with the selection process. Because you can meet people from all over the world through internet matchmaking services, the choices available are often overwhelming. Unlike small towns, where social opinion can carry too much weight, the effects of social advice in online dating forums can be of advantage.

Some other matchmaking services out there are pretty specific:

Elena Maria Vidal at Tea at Trianon linked to Catholic Moms Matchmaking - "because moms know best."

Says Elena:

But since parents help their children in attaining to careers and academic success, then certainly it is also a duty of parents to provide some guidance and give assistance in the choice of spouse, a choice which can mean a lifetime of happiness or of misery. It is almost barbaric that we leave the most important decision our children will make to random encounters. Yes, there have been many happy marriages that happened "by chance" and there will continue to be, but I think that parents banding together to help each other and the young people is a very worthwhile endeavor.

And as far as the old-fashioned variety of matchmaking, it's alive and well in some places. Here's Corey Amato of Tongue in Cheek talking about a recent "matchmaking weekend" that seems to have gone fairly well. (Nice photos here too.)

Dear Readers, You will have to bear with me for the next two days because my vocation as a Matchmaker has my complete attention. By Monday afternoon my life will go back to cobblestones, French Husband, teenagers, baguettes, French brocante, antiques and the day to day inspiration of life in France.

But this weekend, this amazing weekend, is dedicated to the matchmaking of two gentle souls.

Trish McDermott, who has the title of "VP of Love" for Engage.com has much to say about February 13 being "Thank Your Matchmaker Day". Know Rosie O'Donnell's brother introduced her to wife Kelli? Antonio Banderas invited Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas at a dinner party? Neither did I. No indication of any electronic facilitation here.

Dactyl and her friend Kari are giving the Match.com friend-matching a shot:

bff kari and i decided take part in that 'match your friends' thing on match.com... mostly because it's hilarious. we are agreeing that we'll go out with whoever we pick for each other, based on good things i hope. which means that i better do my diligence and find some gems for her, or else i'll end up going out with some 5'5" hairy beast that smells of dirty feet.

soooooooooo after cleaning the bajeezus out of my apartment and doing tons of laundry (love clean sheet day woooooo), i was looking at some of the profiles on there... i really don't love dating in this town. i feel forced to date online just to meet interesting men, and even then... blah.

Once you get past the profile, it's not complicated. Sure, it's still Match.com, with all the sifting through random people and "winks" and e-mails from strangers that entails. But if a person is willing to try the online dating process, having a trusted (and I'd definitely make sure that's the case) friend there to help you put yourself out there can be a bonus.

The benefit can also go both ways. If you're lucky to know and love people like the ones in my life, putting a profile like this together is an exercise in realizing just how hard it is to put your fabulous friends are into words. No reason why one perfect match shouldn't lead to another - or at least some dates that don't suck.

Laurie White writes at LaurieWrites

BlogHer - Match Says: "Match Your Friends" - Comments

Maria, I'd be honored. : )

You could match me anytime, Laurie

Match Says: "Match Your Friends"