Healthy Disagreements – Unicorn or Rhino?

Liz Rizzo — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 20:54:47 -0600

Can you have a healthy disagreement with your partner (friend, colleague, family, co-worker...)? What does that mean, what does it look like, and how does it resolve?

Is “healthy disagreement” the unicorn in the room – Only exists in fairy tales? Or is it the rhino – Difficult to have under your roof, but still, something that could actually live there for a while? I vote rhino.

It’s certainly easy (for me at least) to think back over various relationships and come up with *tons* of examples of UNhealthy disagreement. The boyfriend I constantly bickered with, much to everyone’s amusement but mine. The “if you’re not changing your name, then I’m not wearing a wedding band” months. The time I said that one more $300+ mobile bill (I was paying for) was going to be it for me. Come to think of it, all three of these situations ended in my breaking up with the guy (after numerous attempts to come to some sort of solution or compromise).

1. You both want to be there.

So clearly, to have a healthy disagreement, you first need two people who definitely want to be in the relationship and want to resolve the disagreement. Otherwise, one of you will just leave, and that’s not a disagreement, that’s the end.

2. You love each other.

In each of my three examples there was actually a lot of love in the relationship. Sometimes I think about how love alone isn’t enough to hold a relationship together. But it’s got to be there. In the middle of an argument, in the middle of a bad mood, in the middle of the muck, if you can look at your partner and still think, “Damn, I love you,” you’re off to a good start.

If you're considering another type of relationship, substitute "care for" for love.

3. You respect each other.

In my youth, relationship arguments often involved getting friends’ opinions and trying to “win” by getting votes for one’s side of the argument. The problem with this is, sometimes my position is my position. I don’t care if absolutely no one agrees with me. What I want is respect for who I am and what my position is. I still may not “win” the disagreement, but I think people should respect each other – even when they don’t understand.

And I’ll even extend this to, “Everyone gets a little crazy.” Sometimes, you know you’re being unreasonable, but there it is anyway. Just ‘cause someone’s in a mood, doesn’t mean you can’t respect their feelings at the moment.

4. You are both committed to finding a solution.

So, how do you resolve a disagreement? Here's some options:

The Third Solution: Sometimes if I want A and you want B, there’s a C that will work. We may not love the outside option, but if it’s there, I say, take it and run.

Someone Sees The Light: You talk it out, one person comes around to the other way of thinking. It happens. Just be careful not to get stuck here if it isn't gonna happen.

Taking Turns: Formally know as, “You Win Some, You Lose Some,” and “Pick Your Battles.” I am Queen of Pick Your Battles. If I can give a little, I do: Whenever I can; long before there’s a disagreement. If both partners are doing this, you’ll find yourself in major disagreement much less frequently.

The Big Compromise. And sometimes, one of you has to just give in. On a biggie. Hopefully, you take turns on the big ones, too, but it can still suck big time when it’s something that’s really difficult and important and something you have to live with. I believe that in these moments you really have to lean on that love and respect… and trust. When you can’t have your way, close your eyes and have a little faith in your partner. Entertainment the possibility that maybe even if you can’t see it, their way will be OK. And that if you give in this time, they’ll go your way next time. Because they love, respect, and trust you, too.

5. And then you move on.

Win or lose, you’ve got to let disagreement go. This doesn’t mean you don’t (calmly) bring it up in the next negotiation. But it does mean that if you didn’t get your way, you do your best to not harbor ill will. You know what helps with this? Healthy disagreement as discussed above.

It’s a heck of a lot easier to let losing go when respect and compromise were part of the experience. If you feel manipulated and disrespected, it’s going to start a downward spiral of hurt and frustration. So give respect, and expect it, too. If you’ve got bad processes going on in your relationship, make the next discussion about how you relate to one another, and try coming to a healthy solution there first.

Good luck! (‘Cause we all need plenty of that, too.)

BlogHer - Healthy Disagreements – Unicorn or Rhino? - Comments

Healthy Disagreements – Unicorn or Rhino?