BlogHer - The Secret of Dealing with Difficult People - Comments

Who's afraid of big bad middle age?

Julie Scipioni McKown — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 10:01:34 -0500

Cindy:

I find it ironic that our culture is so youth-centric, even though middle age holds so much that's good. I have personally never been happier or felt more powerful and content as I do now, with my 50th birthday just a couple years away.

The confidence and peace that comes with this stage of life is well worth the lines and gray hair I paid to get here!

Peace,

Julie

http:www.JulieMcKown.com

Right on, what people think

Cindy La Ferle — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 09:28:39 -0500

Cindy's Home Office: www.laferle.com

Being who we truly are is a worthy goal -- and a lifelong process. Reaching middle age helps a lot -- by the time you reach your forties, you realize that life is too short, and that people- pleasing devours an incredible amount of time. Once you reach midlife, it's also easier to understand what makes difficult people tick. And once you understand that, you can find ways to cope with them, as you have.

What will they think?

Julie Scipioni McKown — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 09:06:48 -0500

Hi, Anita!

What I am finding as I go along this winding path of my life is that one of the most powerful things I can do is take "what will they think?" out of the equation completely.

It is shocking to recognize how many times we run our behaviors, beliefs, values, etc. through the "what will they think?" filter. This is such a waste of time and energy.

First of all, there is no way we can know what anyone else thinks. All we can do is assume or draw conclusions about what others think. We could ask them, but even then we'll get an answer they've run through their own "what will they think?" filter. They'll give us the answer they think we want to hear. It is rare to get the truth; maybe even impossible.

Only each person knows their own truth and there is no way we can understand that. And even if we could, it would be completely useless and senseless for us to design or in any way alter our own behavior based upon it; their truth is theirs and has little to no relevance in the context of who we are, and what we value.

Two of my favorite quotes are most effective when taken together: "Know thyself," and "To thine own self be true."

All else is just smoke and shadows.

Peace,

Julie

http://www.juliemckown.com

be who you are for you

eatmorehappy — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 17:34:06 -0500

what your wrote is really well written.

for my personality and life, those points are so ideal. if only i could be like that with all people all the time. :)

but i try to. and sometimes even trying a bit wears me out. Sometimes, I ask my mom (who has random great wisdom stored everywhere) why I should give out such positive vibes when i keep getting negative ones? And she says, why does it matter? If you know that you are trying your best and you are a good person, what does it matter what they think or how they think? Your life is about you, and you need to make the most of it for yourself. Not others.

After hearing this, i think my "trying" increased by more than a bit.

I think that, you're right - negative people will always be around and its just part of life - sometimes this works -reframe the person - make them part of your 'entertainment' in your mind and it will go by quicker than you think!

Anita

What about when you don't have a choice?

Julie Scipioni McKown — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 16:30:41 -0500

Hi, Francesca:

I agree that the best way to deal with negative people is to avoid them, but I have found that except in rare cases, we simply do not get to choose with whom we share our lives. By nature of being human, we must interact with others. It could be the guy in the next office (even worse if he's your boss), or the woman behind the counter at the gym, or the people you share the literal highway with on your literal way home.

Maybe Oprah can avoid negative people, but for the most part, that is not a realistic option for the rest of us. And even if it was, how sheltered would we have to be in order to protect ourselves from all of them? They are just part of the package of life.

Peace,

Julie

http://www.juliemckown.com

My boys used to love Mr. Miagi!

Julie Scipioni McKown — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 16:29:51 -0500

Hi, Lisa:

Sorry I'm so behind on this; I didn't realize I had comments here. I love the new tracking tab - it makes it easy to see new comments at a glance!

When my boys were that age, they loved the Karate Kid movies, and I loved that the message was always to avoid the fight if possible, and if not possible to act in self-protection. It's always about loving yourself (and others, if they'll allow it!)

Wax on, wax off. :)

Peace,
Julie

http://www.juliemckown.com

Sorry I missed you!

Julie Scipioni McKown — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 16:28:33 -0500

Hi, Kylie:

I'm so sorry that I never responded to this. I didn't know these comments were here!

Julie

http://www.juliemckown.com

Let the Negatrons Go

fmaggi — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 12:54:28 -0600

Dear Julie,
I have tossed around all the points in your post a gazillion times myself. But, I finally came to this conclusion: Wish them well and send them on their way!

I thought it was a compassionless cop-out, but really, I'm giving you permission to just not surround yourself with people who bring you down or, as I like to call them, the Negatrons (you'll find they have their own energy fields).
There was a terrific article once in O Magazine which gave it to me straight:

How to deal with difficult people?
The Short Answer: You don't.
The Long Answer: You really don't. There's nothing you can do, so don't even try.

And I've followed that premise happily ever after.

francesca maggi
burntbythetuscansun

Mr. Miagi would approve Julie...

Lisa Stone — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 12:23:41 -0600

Love this advice:

The answer then becomes that I still must respond to difficult people with love, but for new reasons. I should not be trying to change them, or make them go away. My goal should be to protect myself from getting soiled with the hate and conflict they hawk. I need to respond to them with love because if I allow them to drag me through their little games of power and control and enable them to create enmity between us, then they really will have overtaken me.

In the end, we don't deal with difficult people as much as we manage their affect on us. Difficult people are part of life because we all have a free will, and they choose to be that way. Love is the answer not because it puts me in control, but because it preserves my value system and protects me from their toxins.

Just last week I had (yet another) long talk with my 11-year-old about how to extricate himself from negative people at middle school, how to be teflon. And your approach is so well articulated. For him, I invoked Mr. Miagi from The Karate Kid -- as in, you know you're using your training effectively if you never get in a fight. :P The goal is not to engage at all, rather than having to karate-chop someone.

Thanks!

Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder
Surfette

Great article!

Kylie — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 11:30:07 -0600

I just wrote another one for WomenCo recently. Maybe we should pool our advice together?

The Secret of Dealing with Difficult People

Julie Scipioni McKown — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 14:01:02 -0600

What do we do with all the difficult people?

For all of my adult life, I have had relationships with people who just make things difficult. I don’t have lot of people like this in my life – just one at a time. And it’s not even the same person, over time. The personality remains the same, but it manifests itself in different people and capacities – at work, in romance, with volunteer activities.

I used to believe that if I had a difficult person in my life, it meant that I had attracted them, and the way to release them again would to be to love them.

So I learned to do that.

Being loving toward them has usually meant these things:

Accepting their accusations and surrendering to their authority. You simply can’t win an argument with a person whose self-worth is directly and completely connected to being right and to the illusion that they have control over you. If you take that away from them it is like a death to them. They will fight tooth and nail to keep from being proven wrong. And if you prove you’re right, you’ll probably sacrifice the relationship. Sometimes, that’s exactly what you’ll need to do, but sometimes that’s not an option. The only way to live peacefully with such a person is to be blameless – give them no reason to make an enemy of you, and participate in the charade that they are in charge. Over time, you may win their trust, but in the short-term, they will think they “own” you, so you can at least get your work done.

Serving them with complete impersonality. If I have to deliver something for someone who I can’t stand, I can’t do a good job. If I don’t do a good job, it reflects poorly on me. I refuse to let the insecurities of others become my liability. This means that no matter how much I disdain a person, I try to find a way to give them service as if I loved them.

Relating to them with genuine personality. While I may need to serve difficult people with complete impersonality, if I remain impersonal to them, I make it easier for them to disregard that I am a feeling, thinking person who deserves their respect – regardless of the boxes on the org chart or of who is paying and who is getting paid. So during the course of relating to them, I look for opportunities to share something of myself in a way that makes me less of a cog and so makes them less of the engine of a machine. It humanizes both of us, and so opens up the chance for a real relationship.

Lately, though, I’ve found myself asking why it is even necessary to be loving to such people. If they are rude, condescending, inflexible, hurtful, haughty, untrustworthy and incompetent, why should I invest so heavily in them with my love?

Well, in my old way of thinking, loving them was the way to get rid of them. If I attracted them, it meant that I was somehow being rude, condescending, and inflexible, and the only way to release them from my life was for me to stop exhibiting that sort of behavior and simply be unconditionally loving. Then unconditionally loving people would soon surround me.

Yet even though I have become more and more adept at this loving thing, the difficult person always returns.

Something is fishy.

If difficult people are in my life because I am difficult, and yet I am not difficult, they should not be there. And if loving them is the way to repel them, and I love them yet they do not go away, have I not proved the inefficacy of love? I have released so many illusions, but I still do believe in love. So what gives?

I have come to the conclusion that difficult people are sometimes in my life because I share the world with them. No matter where I go or what I do, they will be there. They are a fact of life – just like many other unpleasant facts of life. Thinking that I brought them to myself or that I have the power to make them disappear is just another illusion of control. They will be just as dedicated to being “king of the hill” as I will be to trying to topple them. So if I love them to get rid of them, then even in my love, I am placing myself in opposition to them – which doesn’t even make sense because love cannot exist where there is conflict.

The answer then becomes that I still must respond to difficult people with love, but for new reasons. I should not be trying to change them, or make them go away. My goal should be to protect myself from getting soiled with the hate and conflict they hawk. I need to respond to them with love because if I allow them to drag me through their little games of power and control and enable them to create enmity between us, then they really will have overtaken me.

In the end, we don't deal with difficult people as much as we manage their affect on us. Difficult people are part of life because we all have a free will, and they choose to be that way. Love is the answer not because it puts me in control, but because it preserves my value system and protects me from their toxins.

Peace,
Julie

Julie Scipioni McKown is the award-winning writer of Taking the Stairs: My Journal of Healing and Self-Discovery. Download your free preview version here.

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