BlogHer - Dating Older Men: How Old is Too Old? - Comments

I really like and can relate

misskleopatra — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 23:02:39 -0600

I really like and can relate to what you say about being hit on by older men. At my job, I see many different people and everyday I get hit on by men of all ages, from 18 to late 30's. I'm 20. I've always been attracted to older men. I'm not sure why. Lately however, I seem to meet more older (single) men and they always make good conversation. As compared to the guys my age , when the first thing they tell me is "My god you're beautiful." I never thought I'd have to get tired of hearing the same line everytime I meet someone new.

So would dating someone who is somewhere between 10-15 years my senior be wrong? I mean i am a college student, and most of these men are well settled into their careers... I'm not sure how to go about this...

He graduated the year I was born!

tarawhitneysims — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 13:43:47 -0600

I'm in love with a man who is 19 years older than I. He is the most wonderful man I've ever met. Everyone's experience can be different, but this is my story. I met my sweetie (Wes) while working as a live in caregiver for a mentally disabled teenage. Wes was a friend of my boss's soon to be ex husband. The moment we saw eachother there was something there between us. It was like an instant connection. The funny thing was we barely spoke a word to eachother, because I was talking to my Boss's ex. A week later he invited me and my boss's two daughter out to go boating on Wednesday. That Friday we had our first sort of kind of date on his boat. The whole thing was magical. We did that the whole summer long. Ever since then we've been together. He is such a kind, gentle, loving, caring, devoted, stubbern, loyal, smart ass I know. He has so many good qualities that they outshine the bad. He loves me for me. His only complaint is I'm too demanding. The last and most important thing is; he has a wonderful 16-year-old daughter. At first she didn't want anything to do with me. She was weirded out by the whole deal. Then after a little while she and I became the best of friends. I live a wonderful life with the two of them in it. People may judge you if you decide to date an older man, but if it makes you happy then that's all that matters.

I've been dating a man 25

txgrl99 — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 01:07:27 -0600

I've been dating a man 25 years older than me for over a year, and its been heaven. I know its a big age difference but there was just something about him I couldn't resist. It really shocks people sometimes but you get to a point in life when you just have to do what makes you happy and set everything else aside. Our families didn't really approve at first but now it seems like nothing to everyone. Everyone is skeptical at first, and always makes that very clear. However, if it is true love, it'll last and after awhile most everyone will concede to the fact that they were too judgmental. So hang in there. Dating an older man can be so rewarding and satisfying. In fact, we've had such a weird and wonderful love affair we started a blog about it. It's called "Dating the Older Man; Sex, Laughs, and Viagra." http://datingtheolderman.blogspot.com/

We realized there were just too many funny quirks that accompany this kind of relationship. Couldn't let that go to waste. Anyway, it's great to find a forum about this. Take care.

Regarding what other people think

sierralita — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 11:12:51 -0500

I have a hard time with this too, I'm embarrassed to admit. I wish that I didn't care, I think we should absolutely not care. I'm talking mostly here about the public, people on the street, who might stare at couples they find to be unusual.

However, when it comes to family pressure, I'm stronger about this. I really believe that we have to try to free ourselves from our family chains. If we are over 17 years old, our mothers really don't have any business telling us what to do, as long as we're not in an abusive relationship.

They might mean well, but we must accept the responsibilities of our own lives, and that means telling our families to let us live, to stop judging, to stop making life difficult for us. Our lives are not theirs. If they can't understand that, we won't have any choice but to not share anything with them. We won't introduce the people we date. We'll live our lives apart and away. And that isn't as nice, but it might be necessary.

If you feel that you need to have an experience with someone - even if it most likely won't work out for a long-term relationship -- then have your experiece. There is something you need to learn from it. Don't let family pressure stop you.

Jeez, it's not that much!

sierralita — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 11:06:13 -0500

I'm really amazed at how many women are so thrown by these age differences. Five, ten, fifteen years -- you guys get so freaked out! I lived with a man 15 years older for 5 years, and I don't think I ever really thought about the age difference. He seemed very young, and I'm mature for my age -- always have been -- so we felt like equals. I suppose eventually his age would have started to show more than mine. At the time I was 24, so he was still young himself.

But really, five to ten years or so is nothing, it's perfectly normal in fact. Even fifteen doesn't seem like too much to me.

However . . . I have a more serious problem. I'm really attracted to someone MUCH too old for me. It's really weird. I never would have thought it possible, but . . . I mean, really, he's practically an old man, in terms of age, but his spirit is so young. Younger than mine in some ways. And he's still sexy!He's in his late sixties. I'm 34.

He's very attracted to me, so I'm staying away from him, because I don't want this relationship to happen. I think he's someone I could really fall for, and why in the world would I want to do that??

However, if I chose to have a relationship or affair with him, I don't think there is anything wrong in it at all. It's just something I don't want to choose.

If you aren't a shallow person, you can't control who you fall in love with. It's the person inside the body, the spirit, the character, the heart, the humor and intellect that matters. If the body is also something you like, you're very lucky. But the body will age and get sick and fade, no matter what. And even a young man can keel over from a heart attack or get hit by a bus. So there is no telling how long any of us have to be with the person we choose.

Well, I think you have to start with,

She Who — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 12:31:44 -0500

most men are encouraged to be complete losers by our culture, and that won't be getting better, any time soon. When you're going to meet men in a bar, or in a sports bar, say to yourself, "This is where he's spending his 20's. Why should I assume he's going to spend his 30's/40's/ 50's anywhere else?" So, unless you're ALSO planning to spend your adult life in these places, go someplace that more accurately reflects your aspirations for your future. That has a much higher likelihood of turning up men with similar interests, and then you can worry about their age.

For example, I met my first husband at a food co-op. He died young of cancer, so the statistics on "growing old together" can be chucked out, in this case. I met my second husband at a community theatre event. Although I wouldn't have dated a widower with a young child, he didn't have such rules. Fortunately for me, and our several kids together. ;)

Men come in jackass flavor at all ages. That's the important thing. Even if you marry someone with your very same birthday, you'll probably outlive them. The question is, what will you do before then? You have to be comfortable in yourself, and the rest follows.

Just my experience. Take from it whatever helps, and discard the rest.

http://www.blogher.com/blog/she-who

Rambling on.....

Browneyedgirl68 — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 11:50:16 -0500

Last week, I recently met a man who is 53. I just turned forty one. I have become intrigued with him for some reason. I guess that is why I'm googling. My exhusband was 7 years older than I was although we did not have much in common. I also dated a younger man 11 years older, the attraction was incredible, although we didn't have anything in common either except sex. LOL... I was ashamed about the age difference, what would his mother say to me if he would have brought me home. LOL With the older guy, it seems that we have a lot of things in common and I feel very comfortable with him so far. I'm assuming it all has to do with compatability. I don't know what he is looking for, but the chemistry is fantastic. What I am worried is having him meet my family. Of course it is too soon since I don't know the direction of the relationship yet. My mother is very critical and she always told me not to date an old man. But most of you have posted that meeting men your age, you really havent found anything. My sister is 53 and she is married to a man twelve years her senior. My mother is always bugging her. So you never know.

11 Year Age Difference!

ReRe — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 17:34:43 -0500

If your family is like mine they want to see you HAPPY :-)

I'm 41/divorced/no kids & have been dating a great guy 52/divorced. We've know each other a few yrs but at that time were both still married. Never in a million years did I think I'd bring a guy home to meet my family who's been married 3 x's and has 4 kids! But my family really likes him, he's a hard worker, outgoing and fun and they know that I'm so much happier now than I was in my past relationship. Older men are much more mature- they've had many more life experiences and have a better, more positive outlook on life. Follow your heart; "connecting" w/ a guy is so important; as long as you have some things in common and he treats you well that's great- just let things fall into place as they may! Good Luck!

Question

liaba — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 15:14:51 -0500

i always been attracted to older guys n by older guys i mean 25-30, however i am only 19 going on 20 soon n things havent been going well so i just dont bother dating, i feel like maybe its not the rite time.... n here comes a 36 yr old man into my life randomly n rite then i knew we would get along perfectly, he has an ex wife and a 5 yr old soon but it dosent matter to me cuz we connect so well n we havent even started to date, he just comes to my work to say hi everyday. we talk on the phone n text each other everyday as well. hes the only guy i felt so strong for, but the fact that hes 17 yrs older kinda worries me n what my family might think! any help please???

Question

liaba — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 15:14:49 -0500

Don't doubt, just go with what feels right.

SheHasSomethingToSay — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 17:18:09 -0500

I am seeing a man 25+ years older and I am here to say that age difference doesn't have to be an issue. For some people it is, whether they're the ones dating an older man or not. If you're the woman dating the older man and you have an issue with the age gap, maybe the relationship isn't for you. Like any relationship, it has to feel right. If the gap feels too big, there is a good chance it is, for you anyway. Obviously dating an older man has its advantages and disadvantages but that is all relative to what you're looking for.

I wasn't looking for an older man but I found one. Truthfully, I have no idea where the relationship is going or will go. What I do know is that I like how I feel when I'm with him; he is the kind of companion I see for myself, and on top of it, I never feel the age gap between us. Right now we're just having fun and spending time together without any plans for the future. Whether it works out or not, I will know that my heart was in the right place.

Older Men

Mrs. W — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 16:05:42 -0500

There is something about an older man. I could never find a connection with someone my age. Last year I married my best friend and he happens to be 16 years older than me. I just turned 30 in June, so do the math. I will say, that its not for every woman and i would not attempt to tell anyone to follow in my foot steps. But, He and I are in the same place in our lives. He was married before, and i might as well have been, neither with any kids. So, it worked for us. Its just like finding any other relationship, being in the same place in life at the same time. *getting off my soapbox now*

..also....

tigress_138 — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 15:29:42 -0500

..age limits for me I think would be 30 to 45. So,,,there are the - ugh- numbers.

Its about experience not AGE

tigress_138 — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 15:25:28 -0500

,,and I dont mean sexual experience - although that is a factor.

I mean .,,I am in my late 20s and I am fed up with guys in their 20s. I NEVER go out with guys younger than me. Ive only known one guy who is even worthy of that and we're just good friends. I feel like it all depends on what you have been through in your life and what you have experienced. I like older guys. There's something about a good lookin older guy...(as long as he is single! Adultry is WRONG!) I am just tired of trying to have a decent conversation with immature guys in their 20s. Just a conversation seems like the biggest challenge because we are never on the same level. They cant take their minds off of South Park long enough to disscuss....the weather! I am not a sexist but guys DO mature slower than girls. I cant click with guys in their 20s because most of them are spoily and have never been thru the things I have been through. Im not crazy about dating a man who has children but I love kids so...if that comes along with dating older guys- okay I'll try. Its a 9 out of 10 chance anyway. I have tried to date an older guy and I tried to make the best of it but the "relationship" went to hell because of his personality (disorder). He is a compulsive liar and a crook and that had nothing to do with his age.

I am stuck I guess. I want a mature strong man and I feel I cannot find that with a guy my age or in his 20s. I like older men but I want one who has his sh!t together and is compassinate and I just feel like I can communicate with older guys better. Communication is very important. Being able to TALK instead of having to explain EVERYthing to a childish BOY is something I have to go for. Ive had enough of the boys.

I am in total agreeance with

LiveLaughLove1016 — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 23:47:52 -0500

I am in total agreeance with the last post. I definately feel like its all about preferance. I too am in a relationship with a man almost 40 years older than me. honestly, I never even notice it. He is so good to me. I think that we both realized that we had feelings for each other at the same time. I too have a larger bust and get a lot of attention for it. This guy I'm with now is perhaps the best relationship I have ever had. Sometimes we will get looks from people but he makes me happy. when you are that happy it is easy to ignore all the haters.

Dating Older Men: How Old is Too Old?

Zandria — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 13:49:30 -0600

When my roommate and I go to a bar, we largely attract the attention of older men rather than males closer to our own age. (By “older,” what I mean is “noticeably older than myself.” Like 15 years or more.) I’m not saying these older men act like they want to “hook up” with us – most of the time they’re just looking for a conversation. (Or at least that’s the way they make it seem...I’ve never had an older man ask for my number.) There have been a few older men who were more overtly obvious about their intentions – I’ve had several blatantly walk up to me and say, “I think you’re beautiful” – but in those instances they’ve always said their piece and continued on their way.

(Continuing on their way is a good move, because otherwise my response would be, “Thank you. Now move along.” It’s not that I’m trying to be rude. I just don’t think “You’re beautiful” is a good opening line, no matter the person’s age – even if they’re thinking it; even if they really believe it to be true.)

It’s not like we don’t catch younger guys looking at us – but they look from where they’re sitting, or standing. And I don’t have a problem talking to older men if they’re being nice, but I don’t see them as someone I’d want to go out with.

A good friend of mine, a woman in her mid-40s, has given me her opinion multiple times on the types of men she thinks I should be dating. “We live in DC,” she says. “You should be attending parties at embassies and meeting diplomats. Or you could be an executive’s wife.” My friend has good intentions, but all I say in response to her suggestions is, “I have no desire to go to a party at an embassy. I wouldn’t have any idea what to say to those people. On top of all that, I’m not looking for someone with a specific title – the man himself comes first.”

So how old is “too old” for me? I’d say ten years would be my max. But having said that, I know age differences of ten years or more don’t bother everyone. My older sister was married to a man eleven years her senior (they’ve since divorced), and my younger sister is currently living with a man ten years older than she is. A good friend of mine was married to a man fifteen years her senior for over six years (they married when she was nineteen).

I wonder...why is it that younger guys aren't as comfortable approaching my roommate and I than the older guys? Are the older men not as worried about looking “cool?” Does the possibility of being rejected not bother them as much?

I also think this phenomenon might be related to where you live. City Girl DC lives here in my area. She went out with a female friend one recent Saturday night, and had this experience:

What I love about Marvin [a bar] is that it seems perfectly designed for meeting and conversation. You would think there would be lots of mingling. Instead, as we looked around, all we saw were completely sex-segregated groups. To our left were two women who could pass for models. Behind them, clearly gawking was a group of guys. Not once did the guys make a move. […]

Pam and I were curious as to what the guys would say and decided to ask three attractive, well-dressed guys standing behind us. One was Indian, one Latin American, and the other second-generation African. We figured we would get a good mix of responses. Instead, they were pretty much the same guy. […] They didn't feel the need to approach women and were of the belief that women should be more willing to approach them. Hmmm. I always find it suspect when a guy has decided that women should take the initiative in dating: asking out, paying on a first date, making the first move, etc. All I know is that these guys were typical of so many guys in DC. They seemed way too interested in saving face. Sorry, but being a guy involves some degree of regular rejection.

Tara has the same experience with older men being the only ones bold enough to approach her, and wonders what’s up with younger guys.

Why is it that I find myself getting hit on by older gentlemen in Hoboken and not the younger fellows? Where are the bright young men of Hobo? […]

A girlfriend and I recently went to a bar in Hoboken on a Saturday night.

We were there to have a drink and watch her alma mater, the University of Virginia football game…hey, a great way to meet guys…young guys! WRONG! No one even approached us… The guys that were there didn’t even budge to come up and say hello. On the way out, I walked passed a young guy who hardly turned his head but did get the slight nerve and sober energy to say “bye ladies”. Ugh! And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is a brief portrait of the wildly gifted charm imparted America’s Best – our Young and Upcoming World Financial Business Leaders of Tomorrow.

New blogger Jenny Pruna asks, “Does Love Have a Number?”

I am currently dating a man 10 years older than me. We met at my old job and ever since then we have been dating. Its been a year and a half and we are still in love; if not more than ever. It is not common to see someone dissaprove of us being together when they have not met my boyfriend. Just the age difference alone shows how wrong it is. The common arguments are… “He’s only seeking one thing from you and its not being with you.” “He is too old, you should be with someone your age.” and etc.

Problem is with that last arguement is that every guy I meet at my age isn’t what I am looking for. I want to fall in love and be in that relationship. I no longer want to explore a bunch of bad relationships when I can have one great one full of love.

At the Huffington Post, Christine Hassler is asked for advice by a 27-year-old female dating a 42-year-old man. This is part of Christine’s response:

In my opinion, there is a lot more than just 15 years that separates you from your 42-year-old boyfriend. He's had a heck of a lot more life experience than you have. You are in your late twenties, a time in life when you are just beginning to become sure of who you are and what you want. You are creating your life while he is already in the prime of his. If you were 40 and he was 55, I would not be as concerned about the age difference as both of you would have had ample time to experience life and mold your identity. By dating someone so much older, you are missing out on being with someone who is in the same phase of life that you are; someone with whom you can share the joys and pitfalls of discovery.

The male perspective: Jay Rusovich is in his early 50s, and has this to say about attracting younger women:

Anyone whose reached middle-age has to face the fact that – no matter how we look or feel – we can’t outright cheat the clock. Let a few more years pass and we start to wonder whether or not it’s even appropriate to approach younger women. By ‘appropriate’ I’m thinking along the lines of …will she look at me like I’m out of my fucking mind for assuming she would consider me as a dating candidate? […]

Many young women simply don’t give a damn how many bootcamps you put yourself through every week. Or how interesting you think you are. Or how talented you are. Or how successful you have been. By this time, life was supposed to have yanked you out of the game and thrown you onto your Lazyboy, out in the suburbs, with a family, watching network television… […]

The truth is, a ever-growing number of young women are actively dating older men; particularly in big cities, because these tend to be more sophisticated than their fly-over sisters, and don’t hold the same appreciation for being treated like objects by young men. The same men who routinely take them for granted, and have nothing to talk about other than domestic beer.

This notwithstanding, you still have to also accept the fact that there are a corresponding number of women who can’t fathom dating older guys from any perspective. They want Cinderella. They want Snow White. And intend to ignore the odds against realizing those fantasies in today’s world.

How old would be “too old” for you?

(Contributing editor Zandria also blogs at Keep Up With Me. She will continue to talk to older guys in bars as long as they don't start the conversation with, "I think you're beautiful.")