BlogHer - Vital Friends At Work: Do You Have A Work-Spouse? - Comments

When i first read this post...

kazari — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 21:42:06 -0600

I immediately thought of Carol. She was my ultimate, supportive besty in a really weird work environment. but we're both girls!
I think it IS critical to have a good friend in any workplace, and I haven't quite managed it here. I dont think gender is particularly relevant.

You say "work spouse"; I say "friend"

Liz Rizzo — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 18:04:07 -0600

Seriously, why do male/female friendships - even close ones - require this additional title? I have a couple really close male friends, and while I observe that some people still have difficulty comprehending that we're really, truly just close friends, it doesn't change the fact that that's what we are.

I don't know; the term "work spouse" makes it seem sordid or weird or something. It seems heteronormative (OK, hopefully I'm using that word right) to label close male friends at work "work spouses," when close female friends are just "friends." What's the difference?

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

I have had 4 work spouses, and the current is my boss.

missbritt — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 14:27:04 -0600

I have had a work spouse at each of my last two jobs. We used to joke about being work husbands/wives, and I'm amused to see that we didn't necessarily coin that phrase.

I am still friends with all of them, even though we haven't worked together in years.

Ironically, my current work husband is also my boss. And he also proclaims himself my "Blog Husband'.

Miss Britt
http://www.miss-britt.com

Yes! And I Miss My Former Work-Spouse...

kbm — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 13:42:39 -0600

I haven't worked in an office in almost two years. But for the last seven years that I did work, I had the greatest work spouse. He was a generation older than me and in a happy, very long marriage with a woman I liked very much and he adored. Both of those facts, I think, helped my "real" spouse accept my work relationship. And maybe it was those facts that helped the relationship flourish (there was never any sexual tension). That relationship made work tolerable during days, weeks, months when it was otherwise intolerable. I probably spent more time with my work-spouse than with my actual spouse - and had someone to talk with about geeky lawyer stuff, local news and politics and American Idol - none of which my husband had much interest in.

When I left my job, it was that relationship that I mourned. Not the work or the loss of professional identity. It was the fact that I wasn't going to see my best friend every day anymore. And it made me giggle when I realized that I considered this 56 year old, married guy my best friend. We've maintained a friendship for sure - but the lack of day to day interaction makes it so much different. I miss it!

Kate

Four Funny Kids

Thanks Florinda!

Elana Centor — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 13:00:45 -0600

Thoroughly enjoyed reading your post and it definitely supports what others have been saying about this work life relationship.

elana
Blogher Contributing Editor,Business&CareersFunnyBusiness

I had a work spouse, but now I'm single...

Florinda — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 11:25:16 -0600

...I wrote a post about it here.

I've reluctantly come to accept that the relationship probably did have a context that it required in order to continue, and since he's moved on to another job, it doesn't have that context anymore...and neither of us has the time or energy to keep things going without it. I still miss him, though. I hope he misses me.

I think that those stats quoted from USA today are on target, though. I've been thinking that the fact that I've become less engaged with my job over the last year or so was due to a combination of stress there and changes in my personal life (where I'm not single anymore), but the timing does coincide with the loss of my office hubby as well...and I feel pretty much on my own at work now. Something to think about...

Florinda
Blogging at The 3 R's: Reading, 'Riting, and Randomness

Never had a workplace spouse

Elana Centor — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 10:55:51 -0600

Probably because for 20 years I worked iwth my actual spouse and I have written about how well that went. I am fascinated with these relationships and I suspect that co-workers of the "couple" may have issues with their "tightness" -- just a guess.

I was also disappointed with the comments of the women about women's treatment of women. I included it as a reminder that that is how many people think.
elana
Blogher Contributing Editor,Business&CareersFunnyBusiness

I've seen this kind of relationship a lot.

lauriewrites — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 10:12:33 -0600

I more or less have a "work brother" at this point. He's younger than I am (largely irrelevant), we were assigned to a similar project, and goes along with my reindeer games ( He's the one who let me put him on Match.com in the "Match your friends" experiment for my BlogHer piece.) We also have enough distance that we don't spend all of our time together, but I consider us mutual mentors, to a point, because we're different enough that our advice can really help the other one.

These relationships can work out really well, or really backfire for the same reason that "real spouse" relationships often do: mostly different expectations/boundaries/communication styles, etc. If the people involved - male, female, doesn't matter, because these can be same-gender relationships just as easily - have different expectations, hurt feelings! Also, like some of these entries suggest, it's not unheard of for the "work spouse" feelings to turn a corner. It's one thing to enhance what you have at home - if it points out that what you have at home sucks? Well, I guess you have to figure that one out.

An ex-boyfriend of mine, who I lived with for some ridiculous reason, started spending a lot of time with his "little sister" from work. Before I knew it she was a third party in our relationship and it really was the sign to me that what we had just wasn't going to last. If you're telling your work partner some things you should be telling your home partner, that's not a great idea, and that ended up happening. Plus I just noticed that he was happier around her than he was around me. Whether that was because they didn't have to worry about the bills and responsibilities, I don't know, but it didn't work for me.

The other thing that always gets me about workplace relationships is how easily they can fall apart, if not built solidly on good friendship, when working situations are tested. I'm a complete equal with my best work buddies now, a situation that isn't likely to change. That makes it work really well.

The idealist in me says, though, that a lot of us spend a LOT of time at work, so the good and supportive relationships we have there are a really good thing (and they are for me - I've bee in the opposite situation and wouldn't go back.)

Laurie
LaurieWrites

A Man Can Stab You in the Back Too

Vered — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 09:52:52 -0600

It really bothers me when someone says that while women stab each other in the back, men are trustworthy.

In my experience, it is not gender that determines whether a relationship will flourish or backfire. It is the personalities of the people involved and the chemistry between them. Men are just as skillful at stabbing others in the back as women are.

Vered DeLeeuw
www.momgrind.com

Hmmm Work Spouse

Denise — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 09:06:08 -0600

All of the CEs are my work spouses! Right? :-)

I just looked up at TW and asked who her work spouse is, she said "click Michelle" which made me laugh because back in the day, I might have indicated "click Michelle" was as close to a work spouse as I could get.

Pretty amusing that she and I have had the same work spouse, isn't it?

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager

Flamingo House Happenings

Vital Friends At Work: Do You Have A Work-Spouse?

Elana Centor — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 08:52:40 -0600

The premise is pretty basic. Think Barbra Streisand . Instead of belting out traditional lyrics of " people who need people are the luckiest people in the world" substitute instead, "People who need people are the best workers in the world."

According to Gallup research, people who have a best buddy at work are seven times more likely to be engaged in their job then those worker bees without that special friend.

It's part of the findings in Vital Friends: The People You Can't Live Without published by Gallup and written by 13 year Gallup Veteran, Tom Rath. I found that tidbit of information during the 35 minutes I needed to "process" yesterday at the hair dressers.( Oh, I think we call it a hair salon now-just my southern roots showing)

Having not read a Ladies Home Journal in I don't know-- a decade-- I thought it would be fun to see what kind of stuff the magazine was writing about these days.So as I was thumbing through the issue , I found a blurb on Vital and immediately thought-- can I now deduct this hair treatment since I have spent my time doing research for BlogHer?

As part of that research I discovered that Gallup Press published the book in August 2006. It 's ranked #23, 863 on Amazon. Either Ladies Home Journal is really late on its press coverage or Gallup is "regifting" this book.

In writing about Vital Friends back in 2006, USA Today wrote,

People who have a best friend at work are seven times more likely to be engaged in their job. They get more done in less time. They also have fewer accidents, have more engaged customers and are more likely to innovate and share new ideas. That's noteworthy because many companies frown on workplace friendships, both between co-workers and between workers and management. The underlying communication in many offices is that work life should be separate and distinct from non-work life.

Which brings me workplace spouses. Everything2.com provides a definition and brief history of work spouses.

A work spouse is a co-worker with whom one has a close connection, but a wholly platonic relationship. A work spouse relationship can develop for many reasons: similarities in position, similar duties, proximity, or a mutual hatred of other co-workers. Work spouse relationships are modeled on a marriage relationship, with partners providing support for each other for both work and non-work related issues.

Few write about more poignantly about the joys and perils of work spouse relationships than JM Bratton in Confessions of a Work Wife[1].

Twenty years ago, I promised to love and cherish the man I married till death do us part. And so far, I’ve honored my wedding vows, realizing all along one marriage is all I ever wanted.

Twenty years later, however, I think a colleague and I were pronounced Husband and Wife at the company that employs us both, and neither one of us got the memo.

It sounds so scandalous, so…wrong. But the vast majority of work marriages, including mine, are platonic relationships that thrive in today’s current business climate, where the most titillating things to ever happen usually involve voicemail glitches, staff terminations or an unexpected box of donuts.

For Bratten that relationship changed when her work spouse took on a new assignment in the company.

It became apparent my swing-set buddy had deserted me on the corporate schoolyard, and from now on, I would have to fend for myself. I was forced to take a closer look at our friendship, which outside of a few shared interests and assorted weekend text-message and e-mail banter, had been cultivated on the job. I had provided my friend with an infinite galaxy to explore his work and occasional life frustrations. I was his audience of one, a confidant who never betrayed his secrets, the proverbial “good listener.” Not that I minded, though. He is decent and smart, and he made me laugh like no one else. And those office visits, daily phone calls and monthly three-hour lunches? I doubt he knows how much I came to look forward to them.

I fought this sudden, drastic shift in our relationship as hard and for as long as I could until the battle finally wore me out. Defeated, I had to know: After all these years, does he regard me as just another one of his work friends?

And the answer of course is what makes a work spouse a work spouse.

In The Secret World Of Work Spouses, Sara Rowland suggests that the reason people have work spouses is "that there is less competition between co-workers of opposite sexes."

"Going for coffee with your male coworker is a lot different than with a female coworker, which is often seen as kind of catty and can be really gossipy," says Michelle. "You have someone you can really talk to who's not going to stab you in the back like a woman might do. So there's a different level of confidence with a man. The relationship is based on a certain kind of trust."

In her post, Rowland suggests the term "work spouse" is used almost exclusively by women.

Like most men, the term "work spouse" is completely foreign to Matt. He gets the concept and he admits he enjoys having a work wife in the newsroom, but it's not a term he'll ever drop in public.

"It's something that women bandy about among themselves," says Michelle. "My former work husband definitely knew he was [my work husband]. But my new [work husband] and I haven't been together very long, so I wouldn't pitch it to him like that. I mean he's a fairly conservative guy."

Althouse offers up two tests you can take to determine whether or not you have a work spouse.The first comes from Heidi Reeder, an associate professor of communciation at Boise State University in Idaho who thinks it's good to have a work spouse.
The second, more biting test is from Ann Althouse herself.

Surely, we can think of some better questions.

Does everyone in the office think you're having an affair?

Do you find yourself thinking: Thank God, it's Monday?

ADDED: Another question I thought of for the test:

* Does this person look like someone you'd date if you were free?

So do you, have you, would you again have a work spouse?

Elana blogs about business culture at Funnybusiness