BlogHer - My pathetic unforgiving letter - Comments

not that big a deal

dishthehappyfish — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 08:57:00 -0500

I'm back body...

Its been a while. There have been days when I became angry with you for your betrayal, and old age. I tried to start jogging, but the impact incontinence is too embarassing. My eye sight is going fast. My sex life is over, except as an occassional favor to Mr. Dish. I have been feeding you way to much coffee and you are responding as you must with digestive problems and dehydrated skin and mood swings.

But mostly, if I don't come to sites like BlogHer, my feelings toward you aren't a big part of my day. When asked, I was able to say lots about the way I have felt about you for years, but in general, you work pretty well and I hardly notice you.

I did enjoy you immensely this summer as I swam, swam, swam. I wish I could have done a bit more with you, but real adult life is rather sedentary and boring by my way of thinking.

At any rate, it is my mind that I am writing appreciatively about today. I peeked in at the blogs this fall after the kids went back to school and before I started a new work assignment. I found the girls are still at it.....complaining about the way media portrays women. And I thought, what a wonderfully confident person I am, not to feel this antagonism towards magazines who portray busty girls with skinny legs, and ultra skinny teenagers. I was an ultra skiny teenager, and young woman. It took me three pregnancies to have any body fat. I am glad that I started out that way. I feel twinges of jealousy when I see beautiful women anywhere, not just magazines. But then I do see beautiful women everywhere....and that is what I am grateful for. It doesn't matter whether they air brushed, or supposedly underweight like I used to be, or wonderfully preserved older ladies who I assume had an easier life and aren't quite as tattered and worn. When I say I hate them, I am laughing about it. I am aware of my jealousy, but I don't hang on to it. I don't turn it into blame. I recognize the freedom media has to airbrush away imperfections and that God endowed others with lots more than he gave me.

I could look better. Anyone can. I could learn about make up and gel the wild waves. I simply haven't made looks my priority. I do from time to time find a well fitted outfit, and feel pretty and enjoy compliments, but I haven't made it a priority. I blame any time I spend hating my body on me, and only me. Its not Mom's fault or Vogue's. I am old enough and strong enough, and I was long ago as well, to pick and choose my priorities. Looks aren't up there because it is not a natural gift. I could learn, just I could learn to play and instrument or how to draw. I could be a fashion queen. Any of us can. I just don't want to.

I could hang out at blogs like this and join in the antagonism, but it is far superior in my mind to let my life speak for me. I do not need to protest. I only need to live.

This is a Great First Step

Vered — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 22:29:42 -0500

Thank you for this update. Keeping the dialogue going, even if negative, is important.

I’ll be thinking about you.

Vered DeLeeuw
www.momgrind.com

Body talks back

dishthehappyfish — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 06:07:54 -0500

I woke in my usual state of anxiety and worry this morning, followed by the inevitable complaints which eventually turned towards my body. And you know what? My body talked back. I won't go into details, because I am doubting the wisdom and necessity of sharing so much. But I am thinking of letting this dialogue run its course. I am so used to shutting these conversations down because they are very negative and we are all taught not to think negatively. So as soon as I wake up and the bad thoughts come, I extinguish them and try to replace them with positive thoughts.....the ones that are supposed to make life more enjoyable and become your reality, except they usually don't.

Go ahead body....fight back, scream away....I'm listening.

I'm Glad You Wrote Honestly

Vered — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 09:37:55 -0500

Denise is right: your letter to your body is valuable. Your experiences are important. These things need to be said. It takes courage and honesty to say those things and I am so glad that you shared them with us. My knee-jerk reaction of trying to make you feel better was no more than that: a knee-jerk reaction, an attempt to soothe pain. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't have said what you said.

I do think that you should start blogging. Blogging over here is quite simple, and you can also easily set up an account on Blogger or Wordpress or numerous other blogging sites. If you do, will you shoot me an email at tips@momgrind.com? I'll be happy to read your thoughts.

Vered DeLeeuw
www.momgrind.com

No, it was fantastic

Denise — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 07:55:39 -0500

There are no rules regarding Letter to My Body - we want you to write the letter that you need to write. Obviously, not all letters are going to be positive. If they were all positive, we probably wouldn't even bother to write letters, would we?

Your letter is important. Your feelings and experiences are very important.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager

Flamingo House Happenings

oooops

dishthehappyfish — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 06:21:06 -0500

Hi Vered and Denise.

I didn't read the directions. I merely followed a link I received in an email and started writing. I never blogged before. To be honest, I didn't know I was blogging now. If the letter was to have been affiirmative, I apologize. I can always think of good stuff. It wasn't my first reaction.

I see the community manager is willing to leave it as is. Thank you Denise.

Please Don't Give Up

Vered — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 11:51:45 -0500

As I was reading your letter, I kept thinking about the damage that societal attitudes towards beauty and femininity can do. I desperately want you to stop feeling that “no man wants you” and that you are “unloved and disrespected”. You are obviously very smart; you write beautifully; having children, with all the difficulties that they bring into one’s life, is also one of life’s greatest accomplishments. And your body does give you pleasure when you swim.

I don’t think your letter is pathetic at all. I realize that there’s nothing that a complete stranger like me can say to make you feel better – it’s your job to learn to feel better about yourself. And Denise is right: some letters will *not* be positive and accepting and that’s OK. But I do wish you would find a way to make peace with yourself, your life and your body. I don’t want you to give up on yourself. Many people find happiness at a later age and frankly, the older people get, the less important physical appearance becomes, because the aging process has a way of taking away that gift from even the most beautiful women.

I think you should consider blogging regularly. Obviously you can write and it could be a great outlet for you. Blogging is also a great way to meet people and make new friends.

Vered DeLeeuw
www.momgrind.com

Wow.

Denise — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 08:52:36 -0500

Elisa and I were talking yesterday about ways to talk about the Letters to My Body and we kept steering away from words like "acceptance" or "positive" because not every woman's letter is about acceptance and not every woman's letter is positive. And while that breaks my heart, it's honest and real and important.

So thank you for being honest and real. We need these letters just as much as we need those bubbly positive accepting letters.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager

Flamingo House Happenings

My pathetic unforgiving letter

dishthehappyfish — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 08:40:56 -0500

Dear Body.

The first thing I remember being wrong with you was my belly button. It stuck out. Everytime someone would look at it, they would ask when it was going to go in. Every time I went to Grandma's house, she lifted my shirt to see if it had fixed itself yet.

Then there were the endless stories of how petite and sweet my sister was. She had that wonderful long blond hair and I had the short curly black hair. People always commented about it. Mom could never do anything with it so we kept it short. Her and sis spent oodles of time doing the girl thing with hair and dresses. They gave up on me before I even went to school.

Every few years you would betray me further. Since I wasn't pretty, I wanted to be a tomboy, but I wasn't very coordinated. I wanted to be little like my sis, but I grew these big shoulders and hips. But they are all bone. When I finally wanted to look like a girl, you wouldn't allow me to have breasts. I was shaped like a 14 year old boy most of my life.

I never got to wear a bikini on spring break. My straight torso with my belly button sticking way out past my breasts was too hideous to be seen. And is there a part of my body you haven't covered with black hair? I am so tired of ripping it out.

My college nickname was titless.

When I hit mid age you put fat on my thighs and cellulite. I exercised almost everyday, but you would not burn the fat or build lean muscle. And you would never ever give me fat from the waist up.

My breasts have been called deformed by medical professionals because they never developed. Mamograms, when they can be done, are shame filled humiliating events. The comments never cease.

The worse thing you did to me was to take away the beauty of femininity that was rightly mine. It is rightly every woman's. You gave me all the handicaps and drawbacks of womanhood, pms, fertility....but none of the perks. Even with birthcontrol, I became pregnant 4 times, but did I have an orgasm? Despite multiple lovers and experimentaion, I am not permitted orgasm except by my own hand. Despite precautions, 3 out of 4 children, conceived with my husband, were unwanted, and without pleasure for myself. Why do you deny me pleasure? I loved my husband. I loved watching him receive my gifts. Why will you not allow me to receive them back?

My body is ravaged by the pregnancies you allowed. The thin skin on my stomach is stretched out and sags, my back and feet are permenantly damaged and painful, the skin on my boobless torso hangs....just shriveled up nipples, I sometimes dribble when I run or jump. My life is ruined as well...because you somehow neutralize spermicide and can't handle birth control pills. No man wants me. All the kids make it hard to find time to get out the door and use the pretty solid brain you gaveme. Why give a woman a high iq and high fertility in the same lifetime? I wish I would have cut my uterus out ages ago. I hate you.

I am 46 and my mood swings have never improved. They have changed, but they don't allow me to function as a whole human being all month long.

I will never forgive you for denying me outwardly the appearance of the passionate woman I was supposed to be and longed to be. I will never forgive you for each year, you used my femininity against me, to hurt me, to take away my inward passion as well.

Last night, while reading fiction, once again, the thin, flat chested woman was portrayed as cold, mean and unlikable and the the fiery redhead with the big boobs was admired and portrayed as warm and loving. Even if she was passionate inside, her outside portrayed her. She will not get the love that normal women do, and it will dry her up, despite her efforts.

Today I face the world, unloved, disrepected, and it all started with you.

I call myself dishthehappyfish because of the one gift you gave me, love of water. I can swim forever. I wish you had gills.

Just me.....dishthehappyfish