BlogHer - Mommy cliques: What's all the buzz? - Comments

My mother wasn't involved...

mothergoosemouse — Tue, 04 Apr 2006 13:48:32 -0500

...and I liked it that way! I was able to do my own thing without any pressure (perceived or real). And even though she was friends with mothers of kids who had greater "social standing" (barf) than I did, that fact bore no relation to my own friendships.

If my girls want me to be involved, I'll find areas (and people) that interest me. Otherwise, I'll continue developing my own friendships, regardless of how they may (or may not) relate to the activities of my kids.

I agree with you, LDW

Mary Tsao — Fri, 31 Mar 2006 17:59:06 -0600

I'm a former social outcast who has learned from trial and error that simply talking to others can put you in the "in" crowd. And suprisingly, many times the "in" crowd doesn't realize that they are the "in" crowd.

I have heard from working moms, though, that the PTA isn't always easy to break into if you're a working mom. That's unfortunate.

In the case of the "in" crowd as well as the PTA, it's also up to the members to try harder to welcome newcomers and fringe participants. So in either case, sticking your neck out and taking a risk (whether you're on the outside looking in or the inside looking out) is the way to go. A little assertiveness can go a long way to ending this whole Queen Bee mentality.

Mary
BlogHer Contributing Editor, Mommy & Family
Mom Writes

Wow

Jules — Thu, 30 Mar 2006 22:53:18 -0600

Who knew that Mothering was the latest competitive sport? (I didn't, but that could be because I don't have children). Seriously - the Mommy Cliques should consider lobbying the IOC to have it added as an Exhibition Sport in the next Olympics.

And I thought office politics were bad...

Jules

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Australia, New Zealand & Oceania
Dragongirl blog

Queen Bees and Baby Bees

obdr — Thu, 30 Mar 2006 19:41:18 -0600

The extrapolation makes sense. A genetic passing down of the Queen Bee rules to the Baby Bees. Perpetuated for all of... perpetuity?! (Is that a word?)

My Mom never fit in. I never fit in. But we're not wannabees either. I don't need a whole hive to get through my day. But the idea that hives, whoops, cliques form under pressure suggests that some do. Learned networking skills? Parents teaching survival? I don't think cliques/hives are inherently bad, just a strategy. But it's always good to have more than one survival skill under your belt.

Interesting post. Thanks.

Sorry, Belinda!

Mir Kamin — Thu, 30 Mar 2006 06:15:49 -0600

In my experience, yes, it is real. Although I've never had much trouble finding like-minded pals who aren't interested in social politics. But... yeah. I see this all the time.

--
Mir from WCS
(BlogHer Mommy & Family contributing editor)

Personal: Woulda Coulda Shoulda

At Ty's Toy Box: Listen to your Mommy!

You know, I don't know.

LDW — Thu, 30 Mar 2006 03:58:33 -0600

You know, I don't know. Sometimes a group of laughing mommies who enjoy each other's company and hang out a lot is just that, no exclusivity intended. It can just feel exclusive when you are not yet acquainted with the gang. So often, I have found, the really nice and fun gals are always game to include another nice and fun gal, but you have to stick your big toe into the circle, maybe a few times, before they realize you are a keeper. As for the snotty snots and social climbers, who needs 'em?

I am reading this just

ninjapoodles — Thu, 30 Mar 2006 00:51:17 -0600

I am reading this just slack-jawed with disbelief. Is this for-real? My daughter is only three, so I don't know yet, and you could all be having me on here.

I'm interested in one thing, though...what is the "payoff" for being so competitive with other mothers? What...what do you win, if you win? And how do you know if you've won?

I mean, what is the point? I'm honestly stymied, here. Help me out.

Belinda

Mommy cliques: What's all the buzz?

Mir Kamin — Wed, 29 Mar 2006 19:16:26 -0600

As if the recent hubbub over the so-called Mommy Wars wasn't enough, now the blogosphere is buzzing over Queen Bee Moms and the associated clique politics.

You might want to grab a couple of Advil for this one.

How did it all start? Meet Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees & Wannabes, the book upon which the movie Mean Girls was based. Her newest book, Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads holds up a magnifying glass to a culture where--she asserts--most women really never do progress past middle-school social skills. You can review a pithy summation of her posited cliques at MOMania.

Anne-Marie of A Mama's Rant does a fabulous round-up of what a lot of BlogHers have to say on the topic. (I love it when someone else does my work for me!) First she quotes Wiseman herself, from her article in the April issue of Parenting Magazine:

Cliques form when we feel pressured to bond to survive a stressful experience - and there's not much that's more stressful than parenting. No one likes being labeled, but I believe that putting names to these cultural constructs can give us insight into group dynamics and into ourselves.

Anne-Marie then--intentionally or not--reveals her own belief in the clique mentality when noting:

Heather O. at "Mormon Mommy Wars" doesn't believe in them even though some of her snide comments suggest that she may have a little Queen Bee or Wannabee inside her.

(Is it wrong that that made me laugh out loud?)

And then she quotes Charlene Prince Birkeland's take over at Blogging Baby:

I honestly don't buy into the popular credo that there is a mommy war, but the mom clique? It's so very real and can be even more damaging than some random woman I don't know who pontificates that a mother's place is in the home. Mom cliques are in your face, every day. At school drop off, at the park, at birthday parties. You start to wonder when folks will ever really grow up.

Anne-Marie wraps up by asking others to weigh in with their opinions, and one needs only to search on "queen bee cliques" to find that plenty of moms are only too happy to oblige with their own feelings on the subject.

To me, the most interesting contribution so far came in the form of LibraryLady's post, "Cliqueless." While I was busy categorizing all of the moms I know, she was noting that as a working mom, she's not even sure she's high enough on the clique totem to qualify as an outcast. Furthermore:

So I have just given up trying to help at school. I'd like to. The PTA does great things for the school--I appreciate what they do. But they want to keep their club, so I am going to let them devote their time and energy to it and spend my time at home with my family!

It doesn't bug me in terms of myself. We are not in desperate need of a social life via the school. We have friends and family who matter, and that's enough social life for us. The Man and I have NEVER been social butterflies anyway.

What truly upsets me is that my being a total outcast from the mommy clique has effected my daughters. It's been happening to SC and now I see JR getting left out of the group far too often.

It's sad to think that the cliques women were supposed to have outgrown in high school are being resurrected as they become mothers.

But it's sadder still to see that their behavior is effecting their daughters. And other peoples daughters as well.

Sometimes "Like mother, like daughter" is a very depressing phrase.

(image source: Synergy Synapse)

--
Mir from WCS
(BlogHer Mommy & Family contributing editor)

Personal: Woulda Coulda Shoulda

At Ty's Toy Box: Listen to your Mommy!