BlogHer - No Dads In the Delivery Room? - Comments

Just say "yes" to midwives

houndrat — Fri, 16 May 2008 09:25:27 -0500

That's why we had a home birth...to eliminate the OB out of the equation completely. No unecessary procedures, no pressure, and no hospital.

No husbands, indeed. He's the one who kept me sane during our birthing experience---and he's got the scars to prove it. Well, okay, maybe no physical scars, but I'm sure there are some emotional ones. Hubby is pretty squeamish, after all.

Hmmm....on second thought, maybe hubby would have liked the idea of staying out of the birthing room....

http://www.houndrat.com

heh, yah, gotta agree with

washwords — Mon, 05 May 2008 21:59:23 -0500

heh, yah, gotta agree with backpackingdad here. Otherwise it's pretty hard to understand and sure seems sexist, as most sweeping generalizations do! Thanks for pointing it out rocks! I'm pretty shocked to hear about it.

washy

http://washwords.wordpress.com

washwords.dc@gmail.com

Perhaps a Valid Point that needed to be shared

missbritt — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 13:50:52 -0500

My husband was in the room for both of my deliveries, and I'm glad. Although to be honest, if he could have skipped out on it, I think that he would have.

I think it might be nice for some men to hear that it is OK if they are not in the delivery room. That doesn't necessarily make them less supportive or immature.

Miss Britt

http://www.miss-britt.com

"Dignity is Overrated"

My Husband Was My Savior

MdMommy2Two — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 12:53:04 -0500

I can't imagine denying my husband the right to be there at the birth of his children. Dr. Odent doesn't seem to give men the credit for being able to distinguish between their wives as a lover and their wives as a mother. And those men who left their wives after witnessing childbirth? Could it be that it has everything to do with not wanting to be a FATHER and nothing to do with seeing the child born?

My second baby came so quickly that I almost had her in my kitchen. It was fast and furious and frightening and the only person who kept me grounded was my H.

Adventures In City Living http://greatwallsofbaltimore.blogspot.com

Yes, Husband Stops Impending Murder

alyssaroyse — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 22:58:01 -0500

3:00 AM. Saint Louis Thunderstorm. Full Labor. Damn, this hurts! Led Zeppelin making me feel better.

More Led Zeppelin. Still hurts.

Nurse suggests Grateful Dead. I hate the Grateful Dead. I'm having a baby, I will listen to whatever I want, thank you very much.

Screaming. This really hurts. Am I the only person for whom an epidural DIDN'T WORK? I'm fine with natural childbirth, if that's what you want. it is not what I wanted. I wanted drugs. Good ones. Lots of them. (I was about to be a mother, for chrissake, it was my last chance.)

The nurse is rubbing my shoulder. "Please stop rubbing my shoulders." "It will relax you." "No, it's annoying me, please stop." "No, it's relaxing." "No, it's not, please f'ing stop touching me."

She smells like patchuli. I hate patchuli.

Deeper into labor, hurts even more. But I'm happy. I'm in my groove. F'ing love Led Zeppelin.

Now it REALLY hurts. I'm no longer having fun. And touchy feely pathculi mamma says to me, "honey, you need to imagine your contractions as if they are waves crashing on the shore and you are lying on the beach."

One look at my husband and he says, "do you want me to kill her for you honey?"

I laughed, baby was born. Nurse lived. But only because my husband was there.

I still hate patchuli.

___________
Alyssa Royse
JUST CAUSE: A Web Site To Save The World

Start Her Up: A blog for Women Entrepreneu

Without my husband, there might have been a murder

Graceful Parenting — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 22:08:22 -0500

After years of fertility treatments and a complicated and amazingly difficult pregnancy in which we had already lost one of our twins, and staying pregnant with the second twin for three more high-risk months, then three days of unexplainable, painful contraction-like symptoms, and finally the baby is coming and I'm at the edge of any kind of sanity and the doctor with the epidural comes in, all calm and quiet, with her clip board of routine questions and she asks me "Have there been any pregnancy complications?" and I yell so loud the whole town could hear me "You have got to be #$%#$%$#$% kidding me!"

And I would have gone for her throat if my husband hadn't been there to step between us.

So, for me, having my husband in the room was a definite plus.

Carol Marie Ramsey
Finding balance and peace in parenting at Graceful Parenting

Team Effort

HeartandHome — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 12:55:54 -0500

Several months ago I gave birth to my second child--my first natural birth. My husband was my mainstay. I had done extensive preparation and research before this birth (including writings of Dr. Odent--ugh), knowing it would be quite different than my first, and my husband was right there beside me throughout all of it. I was surrounded by a great team of supportive people, my own mom and my wonderful midwives included, but nobody else knew my exact desires or wishes or feelings about this birth. My husband held me when I needed him, spoke encouragement, scripture and prayers as I needed, sat beside me quietly when I needed quiet, and physically supported me while I pushed in the birthing tub. My mom was right there doing many of the same things, which was exactly what I'd wanted, and yet I absolutely needed my husband. This was our baby, not just mine, and even the delivery was a team effort for us.

Obviously, not everyone has the same experience, but to make such across-the-board generalizations... just... wow. So wrong.

Ashleigh
Heart and Home

"perfectly well-balanced men"

marnih — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 08:35:15 -0500

"Perfectly well-balanced men" do not leave their wives as a result of witnessing a childbirth. Period. How about "men who seemed normal to me when I (the doctor) met them left their wives after witnessing the birth"?

Those kind of men fall into the same category as women who leave their husbands after the men lose a limb in combat...shallow, weak people.

Natural Birth

mama2bna — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 22:40:23 -0500

I have had two daughters born without the aid of drugs, just my will and the support and encouragement of my husband. I am due with our third any minute, I'd no sooner have the baby with him out of the room than I would without a doctor or midwife present.

I hate the sweeping one-size-fits-all "laws" of parenting and pregnancy.

Amanda

http://hibernate.sarabearco.com

http://lifewithbriar.blogspot.com

http://toddlywinks.blogspot.com

Sanity

sparksfley — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 18:29:24 -0500

I truly believe that it was my husband who kept my sanity - especially during my first son's birth - which was particularly traumatizing for me.

I do know he was a bit fumbling.

I also know that he kept me going. For example, nurse tells me to start pushing, and then walked out the door. I yelled "How?" She came back in and said, "I can't help you with that." and left.

At which point my husband said, "Don't worry. You can take her, and I can hide the body in the trunk."

My whole birth was like that moment. Without him I would have lost it.

Michele
Sparks and Butterflies
Special Needs Parent
Stars Behind Bars

Help from the Hubby

klynn4jc — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 14:49:28 -0500

I actually watched that movie with some girlfriends a couple weeks ago. Afterwards we were discussing it (Pitosin in specific) and I said that my hospital must be enlightened because they never even tried to offer it to me... only to find out that they wanted to, but my hubby was out in the hallway every time telling them, NO, we don't want that at all. So, boo on Pitosin, YEA, for my husband advocating for me! I'm so glad he was there! And I was in labor for 36 hours.

I agreed, for just a minute...

rocksinmydryer — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 11:54:33 -0500

...until I remembered the thing I said most often to my husband in the delivery room was, "HUSH!" ;)

Shannon @ Rocks In My Dryer BlogHer Contributing Editor, Mommy and Family bloggygiveaways.com

Not to be entirely flip, but...

Melanie Nelson — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 11:32:03 -0500

am I the only one that thought of Scientology and the crazies that want it to be quiet--no noise from the mother at all--while the mom is giving birth. Shannon, you're much more rational about this that I would be. But then, that's usually the case. ;)

Chilihead
Don't Try This at Home

Well-said. Communication

rocksinmydryer — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 10:40:01 -0500

Well-said. Communication before the delivery is essential. An educated father is a considerably more HELPFUL one!

Shannon @ Rocks In My Dryer BlogHer Contributing Editor, Mommy and Family rocksinmydryer.typepad.com bloggygiveaways.com

My experience

lilmommythatcould — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 10:34:54 -0500

It helps to have a clear birth plan before you enter the delivery. My DH and I discussed what we wanted. I stressed what I needed and what my expectations were. He stressed what he wanted and did not want to see. I respected him. It seems this Dr. case points should be more on opening up the lines of communication in the delivery room, encouraging couple to discuss a sound birth plan.

No Dads In the Delivery Room?

rocksinmydryer — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 09:16:43 -0500

The following headline, at the Daily Mail, caused my eyes to pop just a little earlier this week:

A top obstetrician on why men should NEVER be at the birth of their child

Certain that no one could seriously be advocating such a radical notion, I eagerly clicked over to read the whole story. As it turns out, the piece is an editorial by Dr. Michel Odent. Odent is a French obstetrician who is considered by many to be the father of natural childbirth. He's been a pioneer in researching and applying low-intervention childbirth, and he is a prominent participant in Ricki Lake's most recent documentary, The Business Of Being Born.

No matter how shocking the headline might be, the man has delivered thousands of babies. I figured I should at least hear him out.

In this piece, Odent explains his reasoning:

...there is little good to come for either sex from having a man at the birth of a child.

For her, his presence is a hindrance, and a significant factor in why labours are longer, more painful and more likely to result in intervention than ever.

In addition to his concern about the increased stress for the mother, Odent shares some anecdotes in which men, having seen their wives give birth, could not overcome the "emotional fallout" of watching a woman give birth:

I've known of perfectly well-balanced men who held their wife's hand through labour then left the next day never to return again.

And in the most graphic example, one perfectly healthy man had his first experience of schizophrenia two days after watching his wife give birth. Was this his way of escaping reality?

Okay, so I'll admit he lost me there. That seems like some serious melodrama to me. Schizophrenia? Really? Just because a few men haven't had the emotional maturity to handle watching childbirth is hardly reason to discredit their entire gender. Additionally, as Madeline Holler of Stroller Derby points out:

[Odent complains] later that there hasn't been any scientific study on the effect of men's presence, so [his] anecdotes aren't exactly meaningful. Third, a couple of divorces/mother-child abandonments after 15,000 births? That's actually pretty good, non?

A Midwife's Muse suggests that her own husband was a little more resilient that Odent generally considers men to be:

He understood that when I told the staff to ‘put me down. You wouldn’t let an animal suffer like this’ I was not really dying, that this is not abnormal behaviour during labour. He was not traumatised, he was elated at seeing his children being born. Me? Well I knew that he appreciated what I had endured to produce our family.

When Gretchen of Lifenut shared the Odent story, one of her commenters, Stephanie, pointed out:

I suppose if a husband only thought of his wife as a sex kitten then maybe it would be a little unsettling to see a baby emerge from her. Fortunately, my husband sees me as more than that. He was there for the births of both girls and it made him a better person for it. It would have been devastating to me if he hadn’t been there, so I’m glad he was very supportive!

Odent's piece continues, suggesting that:

A woman in labour needs to be in a private world where she doesn't have to think or talk.

Yet, motivated by a desire to "share the experience", the man asks questions and offers words of reassurance and advice.

In doing so, he denies his partner the quiet mind that she needs.

Now that argument holds a little more water than the whole schizophrenia issue. He should've started with it. Danell Swim at TrueBirth.com admits to being initially skeptical at Odent's ideas, until she gave it more thought:

My husband described the birth, not as traumatic, but “stressful.” And so I have to wonder if some of that stress was transmitted to me; because after all, I was in labor for 3 days, and we assume that there was something that was inhibiting that labor. How strange it would be if the one person I thought I could not do it without, was the one that was holding me back from letting go.

Odent may make some decent points in the end of his piece, but I believe they would have been more powerful had he stayed away from generalizations about ALL men in ALL delivery rooms. Perhaps a more logical conclusion could've been that a shared birth experience might not be optimal for every couple, but an overwhelming majority seem to be making it work.

It is certainly true that the increasing incidents of medical interventions in American births requires some serious investigation. But let's not (pardon the pun) throw out the baby with the bathwater. For the couples who are successfully sharing their birth experience, I hope the medical community will give them the room to make it work.

Shannon Lowe is a BlogHer contributing editor (mommy/family), and she blogs at Rocks In My Dryer.