Talking to children about abuse

CadyM — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 00:29:37 -0500

These are my suggestions for talking to children about abuse, based on my personal experiences....

Don’t ask once and then drop it. This is a very
common mistake, particularly if a child says they have never been
abused. Why? Well, a “no” answer (or just no answer) can be a great
relief even to an adult who has lots of reasons to suspect abuse. And a
“no” answer can be inaccurate, especially when coming from a child,
because they might not understand the question, especially at a young
age; might have repressed the experience; might not feel safe talking
about it to anyone, especially if they have been threatened or told no
one will believe them; might not know how to talk about what happened;
might want to tell but not be ready to deal with those feelings or what
they imagine would happen next; might not feel safe talking about it in
this particular place or with this particular person…. It often takes
time for children to process what has happened, to consider how to talk
to you about it, and to decide that it is safe. You can support them in
that process by letting them know the conversation is still open.
Do remember that it is okay to keep asking, or to keep talking about abuse in general. It’s easy to tell ourselves that it is harassment, or that we will end up wrongly “convincing” them that they were abused. We already know, from decades of research, that it’s impossible to convince someone they were abused if they weren’t. We just have to respect their boundaries while still letting them know the conversation isn’t over.
Do talk to them about abuse in general, about what it includes, why it happens, and what effects it has. Always
in an age-appropriate way. You can talk about it meaning something that
something does that is Not Okay, and help them brainstorm about what
that might be. Abuse isn’t always a huge grotesque, life-changing
event; there are many everyday forms. You can talk about bullying as a
form of abuse, or things you see on TV, or talk about your or their
experiences. Abusive behavior doesn’t make someone An Abuser, and being
an abuser doesn’t mean that someone is intentionally cruel or unloving;
you can help them grow up to be able to call a spade a spade without
collapsing under the fear of what others will think of the term. You
can find a lot of information about that stuff on this site, and more
is always coming. You can also send in questions about anything you’d like related to abuse, addiction, and/or recovery.
Don’t threaten or pressure the child to talk about it. No “you need to tell me,” no well-meaning “you have to talk to someone
about it,” no “we’ll sit here until you are willing to talk”…. The fact
is, they don’t have to talk about it. Many children never do. Some
adults never do. You can let them know that you are ready to listen
whenever they want to talk, or that you can help them find someone they
can trust to talk to. You can let them know that talking about this
stuff helps people feel better, and that the more you (or whoever they
want to talk to) knows about it, the better you (or whoever) will be
able to help.
Do pay attention to and respect the child’s reactions. Treat them with the respect you would an adult having a sensitive conversation.

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Talking to children about abuse