How I felt

everydaystranger — Fri, 02 May 2008 02:49:45 -0500

The weird thing was I completely understood - I have been the one who needed that door myself. I could see why they needed to bolt, it was something I empathized with.

Still hurt though. Losing a friend always does.

Interesting Sidenote

Melissa Ford — Thu, 01 May 2008 11:34:53 -0500

You know what else is interesting, the people who give me that out as you gave your friends often make it much easier to remain close--because I know the door is open if I need it, I don't need it as much.

For me, if I know why they're distancing themselves, I don't take it personally and attribute it to situation. But that's just me. I don't know how you felt when they did take the door you opened and exited.

Venting about infertility since 2006
www.stirrup-queens.blogspot.com
and we're not talkin' cowgirls...

And also

everydaystranger — Thu, 01 May 2008 11:20:46 -0500

I have two "real life" friends who are infertile, and now living without children. When I told them, I said I would understand if they needed to distance themselves from me, stay away from me, and would have a hard time being around me. And they have distanced themselves from me, but it's not like I didn't know what they were feeling because I'd been there, too. I think if you are pregnant - even if you haven't been through fertility treatment - it's a very real possibility that friendships will strain if fences are passed.

You're Welcome

Melissa Ford — Thu, 01 May 2008 10:33:38 -0500

I hope "sooner" doesn't mean that something bad happened during a past announcement.

I think it's so different for each person. Some people can compartmentalize their emotions well (my husband, for example) and others can't (me, for example) and I think having those emotions always there and present makes it difficult to find the right time to hear something. But that's on me--not on the speaker.

Venting about infertility since 2006
www.stirrup-queens.blogspot.com
and we're not talkin' cowgirls...

I could have used this advice sooner...

Colored With Memories — Thu, 01 May 2008 09:56:51 -0500

Thank you so much for this sound advice...I really appreciate your honest viewpoint.

Kerry @ Colored With Memories www.justusgibsons.blogspot.com

Pregnancy Announcements and Lessening of the Ouch Factor

Melissa Ford — Thu, 01 May 2008 09:07:40 -0500

As Yoka says, "glad for you and sad for me" pretty much summarizes pregnancy announcements for those experiencing infertility and loss. It is hard to see someone else getting what you want--but, of course, that happens in all aspects of life. I am jealous of other people's jobs or possessions and I have a scorching case of real estate envy.

But I think the jealousy that stems from a medical condition is different because unlike our situation in life--how much money we have or who we meet along the way or where we live--we work under the belief that we are all supposed to be given the same functioning bodies at the figurative body-making factory. Religion, location, our parent's financial situation, their parenting skills: these are all variables that we can accept change from person to person even if we're unhappy with the cards we're dealt.

But uteruses and ovaries are supposed to work. We are not supposed to be carrying around organs that are non-functioning or malfunctioning. Eyes are supposed to see, ears are supposed to hear, and sometimes, seeing someone else's body functioning as ours are supposed to function brings out a reaction of anger or jealousy even though we would never begrudge another person's working parts.

Bean says it well at Hoping for Another Lovebug when she writes:

So I really do know that fertility is not a zero-sum game. Your pregnancy or Jane’s or anybody else's does not actually have any impact on whether or not, or when, I’ll get pregnant. But what funny things infertility can do to your head, what with the waiting, the frustration, the envy, and yes, the jealousy. I have to confess that sometimes when I see a pregnant belly or hear about the pregnancy of a friend, coworker, acquaintance, celebrity, really anyone, it almost feels as though my chances for a successful pregnancy decrease. Stupid I know, but honestly it does sometimes feel that way...I think it’s a lot like how I felt about the really popular kids back in school days. It was a lot easier to pretend that I didn’t like them, than to admit that I was just jealous and wanted what they had.

Bean admits that it makes her sound like she isn't a "nice person" and it's a topic that comes up often between the non-infertile and infertile world. It's hard to understand how you can be happy for someone else and sad about your own situation simultaneously. Or, even jealous or angry at the other person situationally without extending those feelings to the person as a whole. Bitter is a word that is often extended to those experiencing infertility or loss, though it often feels that the sensitivity afforded to other situations isn't broached within the family-building realm.

Bugged had a great post a while back about her sister's pregnancy announcement: "Now I can already hear the voices from the ‘other-side’. You should be happy for your sister…blah blah…whatever! I am happy, but I’m also human and I do suffer from the well known occurrence of pain when confronted with the reminder that I am being left behind in this wonderful journey called parenthood."

I don't think there is a huge divide between infertile and fertile but rather thoughtfulness and insensitivity. It's an insensitive person who knows someone is going through fertility treatments and tells them how they conceived on the first try (or, that their child is a complete accident). It's a sensitive person who knows someone is going through fertility treatments and therefore gives the requisite information and allows the other person to guide the conversation.

We know this instinctively with other facets of life. We don't walk up to poor people and tell them how much money we have nor do we gaily tell widows about how ecstatically happy we are with our partners.

We don't ask Grandma to buck up and deal with conversations about every detail of the wonderfulness of our marriage, but society does have different expectations when it comes to those experiencing a medical crisis. And this is not to say that we don't share with Grandma that we're married or not mention our partner in conversations with her. But rather, that we consider audience and save our odes for our partner for other people in a similar situation rather than someone who has just lost her spouse.

The idea is not to give different treatment to those experiencing infertility or to walk on eggshells around them, but rather to extend circumspection before you speak in any arena. Business writing contains a central idea about knowing audience and providing a "you" attitude, meaning, you take the audience into consideration and frame your words around their situation. I try (sometimes successfully, sometimes unsuccessfully) to apply this across the board. Therefore, if you're curious about the best way to give a pregnancy announcement to someone infertile, here are some tips to keeping in mind their situation while still celebrating your good news.

Use Email: I know it seems like a cold medium for happy news, but it gives the person time to process their emotions before they jump into hearing the details. Next best is the phone and the worst is telling them face-to-face.
Don't tell them the length of time it took to conceive. Even if it took you seven months and this was a planned pregnancy. It is never helpful to hear how long it took or how you did it. If you've been doing treatments yourself, the other person should already know and if you didn't share it with them before this point, a pregnancy announcement isn't a good space for it.
Acknowledge your discomfort (if you have some) about giving the announcement and refer to the other person's situation. So many times, a person simply wants their own situation acknowledged and admitting to your discomfort opens the door for both people to deal with the emotions immediately rather than having them build over the course of the pregnancy.
Keep it brief: when you give the pregnancy announcement, provide the basic information. Fill in the details as the other person asks questions. If they're not asking questions, that may be your cue that they're not ready to hear the information.

What else would you add to this list?