BlogHer - Be the Wheel - The Third Wheel, that is. - Comments

Yay for hanging out with friends!

Liz Rizzo — Sun, 04 May 2008 19:14:40 -0500

Vered - Certainly I think some people show restraint in mixed groups simply out of a sense of politeness. It's unfortunate that not everyone is so considerate, because I know that when I was single it was difficult to be around people who were super all over each other.

Tish! - Seriously, mixed groups are so important because you're not limiting who you know in life to other women who are in the same place as you - so all sorts of transitions become easier as your life goes through changes.

Zandria - Yeah, I was around a really kissy kissy couple recently and even though I'm in a relationship now, they were still making me a little uncomfortable! LOL

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

I like going out in mixed-groups, too.

Zandria — Sun, 04 May 2008 18:57:08 -0500

As long as the couples aren't acting all kissy-kissy. That's definitely annoying (not to mention uncomfortable).

Personal blog: Keep Up With Me
BlogHer blog: Life - Singles

there areadvantages to this....

Tish G — Sun, 04 May 2008 11:54:20 -0500

Hey Liz!

you know, this isn't a bad idea. And on a couple of levels...

Hanging out with other couples gets you, the single person, used to hanging out with couples. If you're like me, when I was young and single, I only hung out with single friends. After I ended up coupled-up, we didn't have people to hang out with because no one else was in a relationship!

And, once you get into a relationship, making couple friends becomes a whole new and very difficult thing to do. So, if you already have close couple friends, then, once you're in a relationship, you can all hang out together. You've then succeeded in getting over one of the most difficult adjustment periods of any couple relationship because you've laid the groundwork for it.

When you are over 40 and single, it becomes difficult to find other singles to hang out with--so, you may find yourself with more couple friends. And that's good! Even when you're over 40 and single, you really don't want to go out by yourself all the time. Third wheelness becomes kind of nice, too, because, if you're not in a relationship, there's a guy who can help you out with big stuff. (esp. if you're the kind of woman who doesn't cultivate male friends on your own nor have brothers. No matter how independent, we sometimes need a guy for stuff...)

Couple friends also can add important perspective if your relationship ends. Nothing like hearing from another guy that he thought the guy you were with was not a good choice.

there are so many advantages to being that thrid wheel that it really isn't such a curse as we might have thought :-)

Tish Grier
blogger/consultant

Work: http://spap-oop.blogspot.com

Life: http://lovehopesexdreams.blogspot.com

You definitely need to show restraint

Vered — Thu, 01 May 2008 11:09:52 -0500

All our current local friends are coupled, but before we moved to California, one of my closest friends was single. She used to hang out with us often. We are all friends, so it always seemed like a non-issue. But your post made me realize for the first time, that my then-boyfriend and I did show restraint in displaying our affection when we were around her, more so than when we were around other couples.

So maybe it’s not really a non-issue.

And I definitely agree that it’s important, and considerate, for the couple to *not* be all over each other in that type of situation.

Vered DeLeeuw
www.momgrind.com

Be the Wheel - The Third Wheel, that is.

Liz Rizzo — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 23:30:48 -0500

Before I moved to Los Angeles, I had been single maybe a grand collective total of two years since I was 14. After arriving in Los Angeles, I did the Big S for about five years, dating on and off. During that time, my favorite thing to do was to hang out in mixed groups - co-ed and single/coupled. Because then it's about having fun, more than it is about dating. And if I'm the one person who causes a group to be so mixed, than mixed it is, even if only by my presence.

Single? Have friends that aren't? Might I suggest you get down with embracing "The Third Wheel"?

Small World Traveler isn't with me:

The "third wheel" refers to the person who is the outsider when there is a group of three. Example: "You two go on ahead without me. I don't want to be the third wheel." An analogy can be made to a two-wheeled bicycle or cart; adding a third wheel would not be helpful and would limit mobility. To be the "third wheel" is to be the extra, unnecessary person in a group of three people. Example: "Missy and I were going to go to the dance with another couple, but when I got sick she decided to stay home also. She didn't want to be the third wheel."

Tsk. Tsk.

An attitude like this suggests that coupled is the correct default for humanity. With over half of America women currently single, that's simply not true. And your friends aren't your friends only when they're away from their significant others - Then, you're missing half your friends!

Plus, if I'd only hung out in groups of singles when I was single there would have been a lot more women-only time, and I like a mixed group. Hanging out with couples allows you to experience men and women and our similarities, not sit in groups bemoaning our differences.

While "the third wheel" perhaps originally insinuated an unnecessary function, today you're not a third wheel per se - You're a friend hanging out with friends.

Of course, there is this pitfall, as described by Jen of The Inner Voices of a Spinster in her post Third Wheel Mentality:

Have you ever been in a situation where you've felt like the third wheel? Usually we think of it when we have a good friend who's dating someone. And you hang out with the two of them and there's never been anything so akward and miserable. Especially when they're whispering and kissing...yuck!

Couples! When hanging out with single friends: Yes, You Must Show Some Restraint. I'm not calling for a moratorium on hand holding and the occasional small kiss, because I think that these affections are important within a healthy relationship. But show some respect to the group and everyone's comfort.

It's difficult enough to get a single to come out with a couple; when they do, you want to make sure they're comfortable and having a good time.

But what about when you feel like the third wheel to a couple... of friends? Justice and Truth blogs at Should I Divorce Him? and she had a huge problem with her ex and his best friend:

There’s no feeling quite like being the third wheel in your own marriage. When I was married to the great-and-powerful ex, I was the third wheel when he was with his best friend J, which was virtually 24/7. I used to explain to the ex that his relationship with J wasn’t healthy and was damaging our marriage.

Oh, has she got a story. Thankfully, she's not in that situation anymore. The friend was constantly sleeping over their house and running up mobile bills with her husband. Shudder.

So, yes. There are third wheel situations that can suck.

And, yes. Sometimes, you're just not in the right emotional place to hang out with couples.

But, But, But. Don't regularly close yourself off from hanging out with your coupled friends. Go out and have a good time! With your friends, who love you.

Take it from Joy: Why go solo if you can stick with the other two wheels?