BlogHer - Relationship Advice From My Mother - Comments

Good point!

Zandria — Sun, 04 May 2008 22:22:06 -0500

I'll definitely check out the links. Not because I'm necessarily gonna go out and get a degree in sexology, but it's still interesting! :)

Personal blog: Keep Up With Me
BlogHer blog: Life - Singles

Sexology

solitaire — Sun, 04 May 2008 22:15:42 -0500

Yup -- I went to IASHS (http://www.iashs.edu/). This is actually a link to their history - http://www.iashs.edu/history.html - and kinda "why they got started. It's absolutely fascinating. The school was started by Wardell Pomeroy (who worked with Kinsey -- if you saw the movie, he was played by Chris O'Donnell). Pomeroy started it after Kinsey's death, when Indiana University decided tha the Kinsey Institute was just "too much for them" basically. You can read about sexology if you're interested at the Wikipedia on "Sexology" -- and about Pomeroy and crew.

Because I really wanted to help women with all aspects of their lives and "becoming a Bond Girl" (the best example I could find in popular mythology for a woman who lives in a wonderful place, has a great life, has a job she's passionate about, but also has the time and energy to enjoy Bond when he bops in), I knew I had to know about sex. I figured I really had to get a degree in it, or else folks would say "Why, exactly, is a lawyer raised in a strict Catholic home teaching US about sex?" :-)

Creating a Better World...One Bond Girl at a Time!

www.BeABondGirl.com

Too funny!

Zandria — Sun, 04 May 2008 21:37:24 -0500

I'm not sure if we read the same book, because I can't remember what the name of it was (maybe my mom remembers, though!).

I didn't even KNOW there was such a thing as degree in "sexology."

Personal blog: Keep Up With Me
BlogHer blog: Life - Singles

Sister!!!

solitaire — Sun, 04 May 2008 21:26:24 -0500

I had (have) the same mom. I wonder if we were given the same book! When I managed to lose it all in my 30s, one of the big things that I realized I really wanted to KNOW about was sex and sensuality. So, being my parents daughter and an eternal student, i went back and got a degree in Sexology. I LEARNED A LOT :-) If you haven't read Alison Armstrong's books, there is one of her books that is told as a 'story' (believe it's called Keys To The Kingdom) and it's about this passing of info from mother to daughter, and in that story, how it got "lost" at what troubles it caused. My mom was never really told about sex at all (recently, I've asked her a lot of questions, but only if I don't have to look at her -- me driving, her in the passenger seat is a good spot). In fact, she and my dad were married for three months before they HAD sex, b/c it freaked her out so much (they are still married at 50 years this year -- and I asked me dad, and unless he lied *smile* he has only slept with mom b/c the idea of STDs, infidelity, and just "keeping stories straight" was too much for him :-) )

When I started giving my seminars in sensuality and sex, I was amazed at how much "women don't know." I would have folks from college girls to grandmas in my seminars, and we talked about it ALL - the best part being that the folks I thought would be completely unable to talk or were "dragged" there would wind up being the ones the most affected, especially when I would have "private sessions" after.

I also remember when my relationship of 8 years went South spectacularly, and I talked to my mom about the non-existent sexual portion of it...that was definitely a watershed. But in that case, I was driving and the DOG was in the passenger seat, and mom in the back. (Yeah...really...)

Great post....but I really ~do~ wonder if we got the same book???

Sandy

Creating a Better World...One Bond Girl at a Time!

www.BeABondGirl.com

Hmm...

Zandria — Sun, 04 May 2008 16:29:11 -0500

Because a man might sway your ability to study? :)

Personal blog: Keep Up With Me
BlogHer blog: Life - Singles

My mother loved to quip:

fmaggi — Sun, 04 May 2008 15:58:14 -0500

My mother loved to quip: don't go to bed with a man before you have your Bachelor's Degree...(no pun was intended).

francesca maggi
burntbythetuscansun

Thanks, Vered. :)

Zandria — Sun, 04 May 2008 14:21:25 -0500

If I ever have kids, I'd want to have the kind of relationship where they felt comfortable telling me anything. Whether it's about sex, or drugs, or whatever the case may be.

Personal blog: Keep Up With Me
BlogHer blog: Life - Singles

Advice or not, you turned out just fine :)

Vered — Sun, 04 May 2008 13:42:00 -0500

I'm curious to know... once you become a mother (no pressure, but I assume you want that? Do correct me if I’m wrong) - how do you think you will handle the subject with your own kids?

Vered DeLeeuw
www.momgrind.com

Relationship Advice From My Mother

Zandria — Sun, 04 May 2008 07:50:08 -0500

When it comes to relationships, what I learned from my mother was largely unspoken. I’m not the only one who feels this way. I have two sisters (one is two years older than me, the other three years younger), and I asked them not long ago if they remembered receiving any advice about men and relationships. The response was unanimous – our mother just isn't one to give unsolicited advice.

If the alternative was the opposite – someone who was constantly meddling – I wouldn’t want that, either. I’ve never had to worry about being questioned about my choice to remain “perpetually single” for years on end. Mom has never once asked me (when I’m single) why I don’t have a boyfriend, or when I’m planning to get married, or what my timeline is for having a child. I’ve never had to deal with that kind of pressure or expectation, and I appreciate that.

What could explain this lack of advice giving? As a bit of background, my sisters and I grew up in a very conservative home. Our parents took us to a Baptist church pretty much every Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night between the time I was a few years old until I was about fifteen. We were only allowed to listen to Christian music, and any videos that came into our home were scrutinized. We were never left to our own devices to choose and watch a movie. My dad would post himself near the VCR so he could fast-forward through anything that he deemed a bad influence. In that kind of situation, you might imagine how embarrassed we’d be if we were unfortunate enough to witness a [begin whispering] sex scene [end whispering].

My opinion on that? There is such a thing as being too protected from the outside world. I can understand banning horror films or maybe certain rated-R movies. But growing up in an environment where my parents would stiffen and produce audible sighs when someone on-screen uttered a curse word, or – heaven forbid – took their clothes off? When I watched Dirty Dancing (in secret) at a friend’s house, I felt like a criminal.

If the topic of relationships and sexuality is never brought up, if anything having to do with sex is considered “bad,” it creates an environment of shame. I don’t mind that my upbringing turned me into someone who dresses modestly, and who doesn’t like to draw attention to herself. But it really did take me a long time to come out of my shell.

It’s only been in the past year that I felt comfortable standing in front of a man without covering myself up. The first few times we got in the shower together I wouldn’t do it unless the lights were off. (And yes, I almost left the previous two sentences out of this post, simply because I know my mom will read this. I still find the prospect of discussing anything having to do with sex with her as completely unthinkable.)

So yes, in certain ways I wish there had been more discussion of sex when I was growing up – or at least a more open attitude about it. I wish I hadn’t grown up thinking that sex, and the discussion thereof, was something shameful that was to be avoided. I learned about the birds and the bees when mom gave me a book to read. (At the time, this method was fine by me because I was very shy and easily embarrassed. Having a conversation about sex with my mother, who would have been equally embarrassed to be having such a discussion, would have been unimaginably awkward.)

The lack of advice doesn’t mean that I didn’t know what kind of relationship my mother wanted me to have. We were Baptists. I knew she wanted me to find a nice, Christian man and not have sex until we got married. In fact, during my early teen years my parents talked about not allowing me and my sisters to go on “real” dates – instead, they thought we should be courted by having men come to visit us at our house. As you can imagine, even though none of us had even had a boyfriend up to that point, we were horrified at the prospect of courting. (Which, thankfully, never had to be enforced. My parents separated when I was a senior in high school and my mom allowed me to go out with a guy on my own shortly before I graduated. Then I moved away to go to college and I’ve been making my own decisions ever since.)

My mother is a wonderful, caring person (all of my friends love her; she’s opened her home to me on several occasions when I needed a place to live for a month or two), but the things I’ve learned from her were learned by example. I let her know what's going on in my life, but as an adult I still don’t to go her for advice. The conversation I had last night with two girlfriends (while eating dinner at a Thai restaurant, no less) about sex? That would never happen with my mom.

I emailed mom last week, asking if she remembered giving me any advice about relationships (with my self-admitted bad memory, I thought it was entirely possible she might think of something she used to tell us that I could no longer recall). Part of her response:

I have always tried to give you all the space to make your own decisions without getting preachy about it...Comments/thought provoking questions only; then drop it. Now that all of you are older I hope you always choose a "path with a heart."

See? She acknowledges that she isn't an advice-giver, but you can sense the support in her words. And, really, the most important thing to me is that mom has always been supportive of my various endeavors, and I know that she cares about my happiness. If I’m happy, she’s happy. If I’m taking care of myself, she’s proud of me. And I don't need any advice for that.

Related Reading:

Stephanie describes herself as a Momma's Baby, and still consults her mother for advice on a regular basis

Katie received from bad advice from her mother that almost resulted in all four wheels coming off her car

Jana says her mother provided a "safe place" when she really needed her

Jezebel: Which One Of The Five Types Of Moms Do You Have?

(Contributing editor Zandria also blogs at Keep Up With Me.)