BlogHer - In honor of Mother's Day: How a childless woman explains the power of MommyBlogging - Comments

Even the breeders among us say hey.

Mom101 — Sun, 11 May 2008 12:01:31 -0500

Nice going Elisa Elisa. As someone who, until about 35, thought I'd be childless (with cats) too, I can still relate. Although I know my moniker is misleading in that way.

Sometimes I think we moms are so happy with our choices that we forget it's not right for everyone. Excellent reminder. And happy mother's day to your own mama.

Mom-101
Cool Mom Picks.com

Thanks everyone and guess what...no cat stories!

Elisa Camahort — Sun, 11 May 2008 09:52:40 -0500

Thanks for your comments everyone, I really appreciate it, since this is outside my usual writing comfort zone.

So, the Chron article is out today...big surprise, she didn't use ANY of my cat stories. She did, however, use some of our data about what moms in the blogosphere do to stay connected and communicate with people.

Stick to what you know might be the moral of that story, I think :)

Elisa Camahort
BlogHer
elisa@blogher.org

As the Singles editor here

Zandria — Sun, 11 May 2008 08:05:52 -0500

As the Singles editor here on BlogHer who has written about (and heard from a lot of people) on this very subject, I just have to say...I completely understand where you're coming from! I think it's awesome when people make this decision and know that it's the right thing for them. No regrets! You're living your life and you're perfectly happy the way it is. :)

Personal blog: Keep Up With Me
BlogHer blog: Life - Singles

really like your Story here

guniwan — Sun, 11 May 2008 04:29:13 -0500

really like your Story here Elisa, and Happy Mother's Day for you. And Happy Mothers Day to everyone here in blogher.com.

sincerily,

Goonie

Baby First Year

I really liked your post,

ByJane — Sun, 11 May 2008 00:38:37 -0500

I really liked your post, Elisa, and I connected with it on many levels. Not the least of which is that I did the sub-cutaneous fluids thing with my dog. It's all just love.

By Jane

http://byjane.blogspot.com

Childfree By Choice

Achaessa — Sat, 10 May 2008 23:19:41 -0500

Hi, Elisa. Thanks for your post. I knew when I was 7 years old that I would not have children. It was that next door neighbor woman in the movie Little Women, the one who's baby died because she had no husband and too many kids to feed - it scared me to the roots of my soul.

My folks weren't even divorced then, but I just knew I never wanted to be a single mom and - as I told my doctor when I was 22 and asking for my tubes to be tied - I knew I'd never meet a man I trusted enough to have kids with. In retrospect, I now believe that when a 22 year old says something like that she should be sent for counseling and not to surgery. But all I had to do was sign a release and I was snip-snip sterile.

And then when I learned about Karma I had absolutely no desire to give birth to my mother just so we could do this human dance again (really, I was sure it would be her) or create some other karmic debt that would keep me coming back to this planet any longer than necessary.

Through the years, I've been auntie and godmother to countless wonderful children and always heard the same thing, "Oh, you'd make such a great mother! Why don't you have any kids?" The only time I have ever regretted my decision was when I married my husband 8 years ago. I was 42 and he was 27. He's got a great daughter (she'll be 12 this year) and he's a magnificent father. The surgery of getting my tubes untied was out of the question, but we talked about doing invitro and ended up deciding that his daughter deserved to be his priority and we'd do our best with her and his family's children in Mexico.

Since moving to Mexico 19 months ago I am convinced we chose wisely. Life here is so extremely different, I'm sure I would have refused to bring a child here to raise, and that would have been a huge heartache for my husband and his daughter.

Having children is a choice that requires much more thought than we are raised to give it.

Achaessa - life in the extremely big city
http://achaessawrites.wordpress.com/

childfree, no cats but dogs

scale junkie — Sat, 10 May 2008 20:17:55 -0500

I'm 41 and childfree. I never really made a choice, I married in my mid 30's
and said if it happens, it happens, if not then I'm ok with it. There have been
times when I felt like i was missing out on things. I hear Mommy's blog about
sending their kids to their rooms I tell my dogs to go
to their rooms when they've been bad, my dogs need to go to the doctor for
check ups, I take my dogs to the park to play with other dogs…I can totally relate
to Mommy bloggers. :-)

Diana

http://blog.scalejunkie.com

Thanks!!

Elisa Camahort — Sat, 10 May 2008 18:54:56 -0500

I appreciate it, SoCalMom (BTW: am I allowed to use your name?)

I'm sure we'll have a hectic, noisy, great time tomorrow :) Have a great day yourself!

Yeah, I've been through a lot in the aging cat world...and i still have lots of medical supplies, if anyone is in need!

Elisa Camahort
BlogHer
elisa@blogher.org

You rock, Elisa

SocalMom — Sat, 10 May 2008 18:50:08 -0500

I hope you and your family have a wonderful day celebrating your mom.

And if you ever want to trade aging cat stories, I can do that, too :)

In honor of Mother's Day: How a childless woman explains the power of MommyBlogging

Elisa Camahort — Sat, 10 May 2008 16:18:13 -0500

My beat here at BlogHer usually covers two very different topics: Reality TV and BlogHer Conferences. So imagine my writer's block when I was asked if I would post my perspectives on Mother's Day...as a woman who is childless by choice. Let's just say I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it, you know?

But I was pushed into thinking about it a couple of weeks ago, and that's the story I will tell.

Two weeks ago, on my way up to Santa Rosa for a conference, I stopped in San Francisco to talk to a reporter. I thought the subject of our meeting was going to be BlogHer's recently released social media study, and I was very prepped to talk about the data and to interpret that data.

Turns out, though, that the reporter was writing a Mother's Day piece and wanted to talk about how blogging is changing parenting. D'oh! Not my usual area of expertise, or at least not something I can discuss from a personal point of view.

I have known since at least the onset of puberty that I didn't plan to have kids. People always thought I would change my mind...some insisted...but I felt quite certain they would be proved wrong. Even late last year, when at the age of 43 I got married, I was amazed at the people who would ask if we planned to have kids. OK, maybe some of them didn't realize how old I was exactly, but even when I would tell them they would respond by telling me it could still be done.

I am willing to concede that perhaps in my younger days my adamant lack of interest in having kids was partially rooted in feelings that were "fixable"...I didn't think I'd make a good mom; I didn't think I'd ever find someone I'd trust to be a good dad; I didn't think bringing a kid into this screwed up world was "fair." Perhaps I had a dark world-view.

But as I got older...and got more well-adjusted...my feelings about my own abilities, and the goodness of others and the world in general may have lightened, but it didn't "fix" my lack of desire to be a mom. So, while I no longer thought bringing a kid into the world wouldn't be fair...I just didn't think it was necessary...for me.

Yes, I think a part of me still thinks I wouldn't be that good at it. From my observation, moms work hard...and constantly...and on too little sleep. I have a hard enough time dealing with grown-ups in that condition! But bottom line: I haven't woken up in my 40s and suddenly felt regrets or a void in my life. I'm childless; I always meant to be, and that's working out fine for me.

So what on Earth did I tell this reporter, after exhausting my data on the subject and knowing that she was looking for something to illustrate that data? Of course I told her about my cats. (Collective groan begins....now!)

Actually I told her about how I dealt with it when my elderly cats starting having health problems. How I turned to the Internet to find people like me who were dealing with similar issues. How people I met online gave support and information and advice...and sometimes even passed on medical supplies they no longer needed. How I offered my own advice in a how-to post about giving sub-cutaneous fluids to my cat with kidney disease...and how that post still generates a lot of traffic for my blog. And how that makes me feel good...not because it's generating traffic, but because it means I'm helping someone get through something that was hard. Which is satisfying.

When you look at the data from our survey, that's the story that it tells: people are seeking information, advice, community and connection with others who are going through what they're going through. I don't have to be a mom to know that it's incredibly rewarding and demanding, and that blogging has provided both an outlet to share what we are going through, and an inlet for good advice, comfort, support...and the occasional laugh in spite of ourselves.

Happy Mother's Day everyone. I'll be seeing my own mom for brunch tomorrow, having donated money in her honor via our BlogHers Act widget. I'll be seeing my sister and her two kids, and my sister-in-law and her three kids...and I'll be enjoying being Auntie to all 5 of them :) And I'll be missing my cats...being cat-less (not by choice) for the first time in 20 years.

And if that poor reporter used any of my cat stories I will: a) be amazed and b) let you know ASAP :)

======================
Check out these posts by a couple of the women featured on our Childless in the Blogosphere panel at BlogHer '08:

Talk Amongst Yourselves by Suebob

DaughterBlogging by Laurie White