BlogHer - "Non-Mom?" Really? Are You Sure You Want to Go There? - Comments

What about the "other" moms?

thompsonsaraht — Sat, 24 May 2008 05:41:10 -0500

What about the mothers who lose their children to adoption? Is a mom who loses her child less of a mom because she isn't raising her child herself?

As a "step" daughter I have

lilmommythatcould — Tue, 13 May 2008 14:35:32 -0500

As a "step" daughter I have learned to stop explaining my family lines and the fact that my "step" mom didn't give birth to me at 16 but is more of a mom to me... Sure I leave people scratching their heads but if they are smart enough they will get it!

JDA - Jaw-droppingly awful!

Lisse — Tue, 13 May 2008 13:49:45 -0500

That's my phrase for things like that. What a stupid thing to do! You would think that someone up there at NBC would be an adoptive parent and would clue them in.

And why do mothers need to be categorized anyway? Bleah!

I have nothing more profound than that to say, but thanks for writing about this.

-Lisse

@ Home in the World

International Adoption and Other Travels

horrified

bluelittlegirl — Tue, 13 May 2008 11:18:03 -0500

When people say to me, "No, I mean your real parents," I respond with, "They are my real parents <dumbass>." ("Dumbass" not always said aloud.)

Being a family is about love, not blood.

My parents love me, probably more than most people's so-called parents do. And believe me, as an adolescent, I tested.

My friend's eleven year old daughter was just officially adopted by the man who has been her father in actuality for more than four years. Her biological father is referred to as "the sperm donor," which is accurate. Thankfully, the sperm donor is out of her life permanently and her real father is there to love, support, and raise her.

Excellent post. Thank you. I, for one, appreciate it.

Well Said!

Sue Walsh — Mon, 12 May 2008 22:33:12 -0500

Outstanding post! You are absolutely right. What a stupid and insensitive show!

I can't believe that

Robin L. — Mon, 12 May 2008 22:15:22 -0500

I'm a mother and anyone who tried to tell me I'm a non-mother for any reason would make me mad. There are enough ways for children to be hurt without a national advertising campaign adding to it. The people at NBC and teleflora should be ashamed of themselves.

Totally offensive

alyssaroyse — Mon, 12 May 2008 21:34:12 -0500

I couldn't agree more. If I had seen it - which I didnt - I would have been horrified.

I can't get my head around using the prefix "non." Seriously, hideous.

___________
Alyssa Royse
JUST CAUSE: A Web Site To Save The World

Start Her Up: A blog for Women Entrepreneurs

Self-identifying

PunditMom — Mon, 12 May 2008 21:02:24 -0500

As a member of a few adoptive communities, I think there is a huge difference between self-identifying a group and participating in those groups for positive reasons and having other groups try to label us as something that we are not.

We are active in a variety of Chinese groups for language, culture and adoption, which we feel are important for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is to make sure our daughter knows there are plenty of families who "look like us." Having other people who have not shared our experience basically tell us we are not a family is just not acceptable.

We're in the process of

Trisha — Mon, 12 May 2008 20:23:52 -0500

We're in the process of adopting - and yes that is so offensive. I'm happy lots of people emailed them and complained, but they should have known better anyway.

Ideas For Women blog

And what about gay families and....

alyssaroyse — Mon, 12 May 2008 19:14:44 -0500

Hard to even know where to start on the offensiveness of the "non" prefix in front of parent.... We often joke that our daughter has so many "parents" that she doesn't need us because so many people love and care for her. And certainly some of them feel far more like family than some of the people that I share blood with.

I find myself - perhaps because we have so many gay friends with kids - wondering when it is that we will realize family is not a function of biology so much as a function of commitment to each other.

I do have a question though. Is it helpful to people (and really, this is a QUESTION, not a statement) to be able to identify others who may be facing similar issues as a result of shared circumstance? Adoptive parents certainly face different questions than I will face. Bi-racial families, gay families, step families? Is there a way to self-identify for the sake of information seeking without it being a divisive thing? Again, it's a QUESTION....

That said, aint no-way, no-how that "non" is ever the right prefix for any parent. I CANNOT believe that made it through the countless meetings that it took to get that show in the air. Funny to think how many people saw the plans for it and no one said, "WTF!"

Anecdotally - there are so many divorces and re-marriages in my family that our family tree is more like a jungle. So, we just told our daughter that if they're way younger than you, their a niece or nephew, way older is an aunt or uncle, roughly your age is a cousin. She now just applies those terms to everyone she feels especially close too, even if they are only visitors in our jungle. I love it.

___________
Alyssa Royse
JUST CAUSE: A Web Site To Save The World

Start Her Up: A blog for Women Entrepreneurs

Brothers and sisters

Maria Niles — Mon, 12 May 2008 18:56:17 -0500

I appreciate your point about referring to family relationships regardless of how they came to be. My sister has two biological children with different fathers and one adopted child. They don't call their siblings "my half-sister" or "my adopted brother" they just say "my brother" "my sister" and "my mom." And they are my nieces and nephews, period.

Great post, thanks!

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I'm glad to hear ...

PunditMom — Mon, 12 May 2008 18:48:23 -0500

... that the Chinese adoption community was vocal -- I'm not surprised. As I know from our experience, it's on of the most organized adoption communities.

As for the show, I say, cancel it! ALL moms are America's favorite mom!

Thanks!

PunditMom — Mon, 12 May 2008 18:47:09 -0500

If only I didn't look so jet-lagged! Next photo, a little make-up!

It's about the kids

PunditMom — Mon, 12 May 2008 18:46:32 -0500

Yup. While I don't like that they didn't think enough of my motherhood, I'm tough -- I can take it. But as PunditGirl gets older, she is much more tuned into these things, as I know other children must be.

NBC and the sponsors got a

Word To Your Mutha — Mon, 12 May 2008 18:43:07 -0500

NBC and the sponsors got a majority of upset emails from the China adoption community. I was really proud to see everyone come together to help educate people about this. So sad that it got as far as it did before the wording was changed. Wonder if they will have this contest next year and how the categories will change?

"Non-Mom?" Really? Are You Sure You Want to Go There?

PunditMom — Mon, 12 May 2008 13:36:30 -0500

Since I became a mother over seven years ago, I've been called a lot of things related to my parental status -- Forever mom. Adoptive mom. Mean mom (yeah, you know that one was from PunditGirl).

I've always hated labels, but I've never been able to figure out why our media insist on branding families -- step-sisters, half-brothers, foster children. What is gained by describing families in these terms, other than to divide or to suggest that one type of family relationship is better than another?

For me, families are families. But there is clearly something up with society in terms of wanting or needing to define people by the degree of blood relations they have -- as if not having a genetic connection makes people less of a family.

But the one that really took the Mother's Day cake was this weekend when NBC and Teleflora hosted what I think is an incredibly silly show called, "America's Favorite Mom." Among the various categories was one that was apparently designed to encompass people like me -- a mother by adoption -- as well as other women who are parents of children who are not related to them by blood.

The classy title they came up with?

Non-moms.

It took me a while before I could actually sit down to write this piece because I had to wait for the steam to stop coming out of my ears.

One of the "non-moms/adoptive moms" is described as having a child "of her own" and six "meth babies." Do I even have to start explaining all the ways this is wrong??

While PunditGirl became a part of our family by adoption and not as a result of some of the more fun ways of creating a family, I am not her "adoptive" mom.

I AM HER MOM! Period.

By law and by love, in all ways, I am her mother and that will never change. Even if she is lucky enough to someday find her birth mother -- or as we call her, "China mom" -- I am the one who loves her, cares for her and is legally responsible for her, just as parents of biological children are.

But for some reason, there is rampant yet subtle prejudice in our society against non-biological family relationships. Friends, media and even relatives can't get past calling families like mine something different. As if by calling us "adoptive" families makes biological families better -- read: real.

Don't believe me? Check out what one of my favorite adoption writers, Dawn from this woman's work, has to say about the NBC/Teleflora mom snafu:

Adopted kids — and the adults they grow up into, although in the eyes of the world they’re always adopted children — just aren’t as “real” as people who get to grow up in their families of origin. The only reason non-mom would ever bother me (because honestly I don’t give a damn what people call me) is that it’s indicative of the disrespect that society has about our kids.

Take this a step further -- why is there even a need for a separate mom category? Is it because "adoptive moms" aren't military moms? Or single moms? Or working moms? Or CEO moms? Garden Variety Family blog wonders, at what point we'll stop with the silly categories:

How about a category for artificially inseminated moms, fertility drugged up moms or moms who have had children via embryo sorting/gender selection? Why [does] my route to parenthood need to be aired as something that doesn't make me a mom?

Sure, NBC and Teleflora said they were sorry when the uproar got loud enough -- if you can call what they issued an actual apology:

After closer examination, we can see how this may have been offensive to moms who have adopted children -- moms who are indeed real moms to their children in every sense of the word. In fact, many of us at Teleflora are 'adopting' parents ourselves, including our president and owner.

Insensitivity? That's a pretty big understatement. Stereotypical insult would be more like it.

In an E-mail message to me, Amie at Mamma Loves ... wrote:

My mom is my mom. I have never once qualified her status in my life. She is not my "adopting" mom or my "adoptive" mom or any other BS. SHE IS MY MOM.

And I am my son's mom (even though if we want to be technical I'm his aunt).

This is the most insulting thing I have seen in a LONG time.

I could care less about myself, but for my mom??? I can't pound the keys hard enough or type fast enough to get my anger out.

Those whose families are not impacted by issues of adoption, divorce or extended family members raising children, may find this is hard to understand. But here is the simple truth -- biology is not the only thing that makes a family, so it's time to stop talking about real moms and dads and real families.

There is a need for people to take a step back and shake off the old assumptions and start to believe that our kids are our kids. There are still so many people our family encounters, not that infrequently, who ask the bizarre questions (how much did she cost?), give us 'the look' (Oh, that's so sad you couldn't have "your own" child), or ask my daughter if she knows her "real mom" (uh, that would be ME!)

Perhaps the only way to end this sort of "adoptism" is to start reversing the questions and asking biological families:

"Did you use in vitro to conceive or did you do it the old-fashioned way? Boy, I bet that was expensive?"

"So, how many months did you 'try' and not succeed?"

"Are you sure he's 'your' child? He looks nothing like you?"

You get my drift. This is about so much more than a silly contest hosted by Donny and Marie. This is about how we view families and children and the messages we send as a society to our kids about who has worth and value. The clear message by continuing to make these senseless distinctions is that some kids aren't real or as good as others. You know, there's enough of that in world as it is -- we don't need to divide kids by how they came to be part of their families.

My husband (Mr. PunditMom!) has two daughters from his first marriage. Since PunditGirl joined our family through adoption, she is not related to them by blood. So what do we call them?

Sisters.

Until we can get more people on board with the fact that all families are real families, we will continue to be diminished. And, as Dawn at this woman's work says, as an adult, I can deal with the categories others try to slap on me, but stop telling our kids that they're not part of real families. Because as long as we allow that to happen the message that the world gets is that non-traditional families are second-class, inferior and not worthy of the simple word 'family.'

I'm real. And our daughter is real. PunditGirl is "our own" (even though, as with any second-grader, she'd like to disown us as parents when we embarrass her in public). My family is as real as any other. Real is a lot of things other than sharing genes and a blood type.

Here's the proof:

Joanne, sometimes better known as PunditMom, is a Contributing editor for Politics & News. You can also find her writing about the intersection of motherhood and politics (and adoption!), at her personal blog, PunditMom, and at MOMocrats.