Let Me Call You Sweetheart

Jane Becker — Fri, 16 May 2008 09:15:42 -0500

I called Rebecca. I said, “Caroline Kennedy was right – Obama really is like her father. He’s Jack Kennedy, redux!” and Rebecca said “Now you sound like Maureen Dowd.”

I said, “I mean it. He called a female reporter in Michigan sweetie, he called another woman sweetie in Allentown last month and someone on his security detail is sending around sexually explicit jokes. And the media has already compared Michelle Obama to Jackie Kennedy, with all those retro 1960’s shifts she wears.”

“Interesting analogies, especially the shifts” said Rebecca. “So, who’s his Sam Giancana? Who’s his Bobby?” and I said, “Easy – John Edwards is Bobby and the Reverend Wright is his Giancana – useful to him when he was climbing the ladder, but embarrassing once he hits the top.”

She said, “Okay, I buy that. What’s his Bay of Pigs and Cuban Missile Crisis?” I said, “Normally you would have to wait until taking office to make those kind of gaffes, but Obama’s been making misstatements about Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran before he even gets the nomination. I can only imagine what would happen if he actually takes office – the world is his oyster as far as screw-ups are concerned!” and Rebecca said, “Well, he’s good at apologizing, maybe that will help with damage control” and I said she might want to practice hiding under her desk, now.

She said, “Well, maybe you’re right. His mom’s name was Dunham and that’s an Irish name. So maybe he really is the new Jack Kennedy.” She was quiet a moment and then asked, “So who’s his Marilyn gonna be?” I said, “Probably Halle Berry. Have you seen her since the birth of her baby? Nursing is much more effective than lavender.”

Rebecca said, “I can sort of understand sleeping with Michelle O – she does have a certain sense of style, even though I prefer Hillary’s pantsuits. But, I can’t see myself sleeping with Obama. I don’t see anything sexy about him, do you?” and I said, “No. He’s too skinny for me. Plus, I have a rule about never sleeping with men whose thighs are thinner than mine.” Rebecca was still thinking about Michelle. She said, “Do you think she might be gay?” and I said, “Keep hoping, honey”. Rebecca sighed. I said, “On the plus side, if she is she can still get married in California.”

“The media might find that kind of hip you know”, Rebecca continued. I said the media found everything about the Obama’s to be hip and perfect – and they share that opinion nightly. I said, “I thought the role of the media was to not have an opinion. “You know”, I said, “Less Sunday Op-Ed and more Dragnet – just the facts”. Rebecca said, “In your dreams”.

Rebecca said, “If you go looking for too many facts you won’t be able to unify the party behind Barack and all the party elders are saying we have to unify – McGovern, Kennedy, Kerry, they’re all saying it”. I said, “Oh, yeah, those guys did a great job themselves of unifying people behind them to lose their own bids for the presidency. Just the people I really want to listen to”, and Rebecca said I was obviously a racist.

I sat up. I said, “How’s that?” and she explained that voters who support Hillary are racist because they won’t vote for a black candidate. I said, “But he’s also a white candidate! His mother was white and he was raised by his white grandparents! So how does not voting for a half-white man make me a racist?!” She said, “I’m just telling you what the media says” and I said no wonder voters weren’t listening to the media.

She said, “Well, I have something to confess - I’ve started watching Fox.” I was astounded. I said, “Rebecca, you’re a gay, Jewish Democrat! What are you doing watching Fox?” And she said, “Hey, at least Karl Rove never calls anyone sweetie!”

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Let Me Call You Sweetheart