Feminism Revisited - I Am A Mom

crunchymomofmany — Fri, 16 May 2008 09:44:30 -0500

When I was 14, I was never having children. Not one. And I wasn’t
going to get married either. I was going to be a politician. I was
going to be the President. In my head, being a mother and being the
President were mutually exclusive. Not being a woman and being the
President. At 14, being a woman was a mere bump in the road to my
future fame.

Because my maiden name is Kennedy, I spent a great deal of time in
my teen years reading about those other Kennedy’s. The famous ones. My
hero quickly became Robert F. Kennedy (he still is), but after reading
a number of books, I found a book by Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy (JFK and
RFK’s mother). She had nine children. And while she had lots of maids
and nannies to help, she was a very hands-on mother.

I found myself fascinated by this kind of parenting…and the large
family. While I still denied it to the world at large, I knew,
somewhere in my heart that this is what I wanted to.

By age 20 the urge to have children was almost impossible to deny.
While I still considered myself a feminist with a political agenda, I
happily had my first child and just assumed that I would “put him in
daycare” while I finished school. Then I held him for the first time.
And I looked in his confused newborn eyes. And I smelled him. And I
realized that there wasn’t any way that anyone else was going to get to
hold him - much less raise him! The bond was so strong already in those
first few minutes that I couldn’t imagine ever giving him over to
anyone else.

So I didn’t. I stayed home and had two more children fairly quickly. Then I had a number four. And thought I was “done.”

But I wasn’t. After several years as a “working” mom - as opposed to
a lazy, stay-at-home one, I guess - I decided that my place really was
at home and I became pregnant with numbers 5 and 6.

Even though I was where I wanted to be and I had become reasonably
successful in my writing career, I still felt conflicted. I couldn’t
rectify my image of feminism with my image of motherhood. Further, I
felt conflicted by my roles in the world - and how I wa viewed in the
eyes of others. While I wish I could say that how others viewed me
didn’t matter much - I would be lying. I felt - still feel - acutely
the judgment of others when I tell them that I stay home with my
children.

What a strange justification to have to make! Until about 30 years
ago, staying home with one’s own children was a no-brainer. Most moms
stayed at home with their children. Who better to raise a child than
the child’s mother? No one even considered any different. And then came
feminism and bra burnings and whatever else. And women were suddenly
not only encouraged to break the glass ceiling but to leave their
children behind in order to do it.

Let me be clear. I am not condemning women in the workplace at all.
But when did it become the norm to leave the children behind and go to
“work”? When did mothering itself become such a disdained position?

I hear little jokes all of the time about mothers who stood up to
someone who said, “oh, you’re just a mom…” and replied that they were
domestic engineers or whatever. Why? Why can’t “mother” be an adequate
- if not revered - job description? Why do I, when asked, what I do
“for a living” reply that I am a writer? Why does that make me feel
more justified in staying home with my children?

Why is it more accepted now for mothers to go to work and leave the
care-giving to someone we pay a wage (not a very good one…) to?

Why is it unacceptable for little Janey to say that she wants to be
a mom when she grows up? Why can’t that be a reasonable ambition? Why
does she have to say that she wants to be a doctor or lawyer or
astronaut in order to be deemed worthy in school these days?

Those who know me, know that I have a thing for classified ads. I
love to ponder jobs and career paths untravelled. In my life I have
done a lot of things to make money, but I’ve had only one true career -
that of mother. And I get to exercise a lot of my unchosen career paths
during my tenure. I am a writer, yes, and have made good money doing
that work. But I’m also a nurse, a teacher, a farmer, a maid, a
lumberjack, a chef, a chauffeur, a veterinarian and much more.

I can’t imagine getting up every morning and driving the same 30
miles to the same cubicle with a picture of my children on the wall…for
something like 20 or 30 years of my life.

I know many moms who say that can’t imagine staying home with their
children all day - it would be so tedious and boring. Really? I’ve
never had so much fun. Imagine going to work everyday for 16 years
(that’s how long I’ve been at it now) and truly enjoying your job.
While it’s not always fun and games and some of it is tedious and
boring, it’s never not important.

I love my varied and interesting life. I love spending time (pretty much all of it) with my children….even when it’s boring.

I’ve been struggling lately, trying to understand the nature of my
life. I’ve been trying to figure out why I haven’t accomplished more
than I have. Why haven’t I done more to help the world at large? Am I
selfish to just stay home with my kids? Shouldn’t I be doing something?
What is my contribution? And is it enough?

And then I realize how much I am doing. By trying to raise children
who are hopeful, learned, tolerant, patient, loving, eco-conscious and
much more, I think I am sending out a little ripple of hope to the big
world. I want my children to epitomize the joy I have in raising them.
And hopefully, even if that’s the only contribution I make, it’s enough.

Michelle Kennedy Hogan is the mother of six and blogs at www.organicallyinclined.org. She is also the author of Without a Net: Middle Class and Homeless (With Kids) in America as well as 10 other books. Her work has appeared in Family Circle, Wondertime, Salon.com, The New York Times, The Christian Science Monitor and many other publications. Please write to her at michelle@organicallyinclined.org.

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Feminism Revisited - I Am A Mom