BlogHer - Kids and Oral Sex: The Bases Have Changed - Comments

"The Talk" Starts SOOOO Early

Midlife Mama — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 18:47:49 -0500

After reading about the "Knights of the Round Table" AT 14!!! my heartrate just skyrocketed. I am, however, sadly unsurprised. I never had a sex talk with my mother and learned what little inofrmation I had about sex from school in the fifth grade puberty explanation...that's it! My girls are 8 and 9 and we have already had the sex talk. Partly, because they told us that their friend had told them on the bus that sex was when a man went pee inside a woman....which to them, seemed incongruous with the "a man and a woman love each other in a speecial way" explanation we'd given them a year earlier when they'd asked what sex was. They'd learned the term "sex"from a neighborhood kid when they were having an innocent talk about kissing when their neighborhood buddy said, "yeah, I know you want to kiss Zac Efron but do you want to have sex with him?! I was standing in the window looking at the beautiful blank stares on my babies' faces as I tried to retrieve my jaw from the floor and roll my eyes back into my head...Bottom line- They are talking about it sooner (because whether or not your child is allowed to watch innapprorpriate crap on TV, somneone on the bus surely has), girls are reaching puberty sooner,kids seem curious sooner and that all equals early experimentation. So get the bees a buzzin' and let the birds fly because the ONLY way to make sure the "Knights" game isn't played by your kids is to TALK to them- early. The American Girl series has a great book on puberty for girls. It's a gentle start if you have daughters and there are great internet references too to talk to your kids about sex in age appropriate ways and terms...and according to this blog the terms keep changing...third base is ORAL?!! REALLY?!!

Scary stuff!

AnissaMayhew — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 22:14:29 -0500

I have a 10, 7 and 4 year old, but i hear so many things from my friends who have teens and PRE-teens.

One new party game is "Knights of the round table". I'm all "wow, they joust or something?" Not so much. Apparently there is a tablecloth and all the boys will get naked from the waist down and the girls go under the table and try to identify the boys...orally. This was from the houseparty of a 14 year old.

I have issues with the kids being taught that sex isn't sex....if they're going to have it, they're going to have it, but be honest about it, be safe and call it what it is. We need to step up as parents, get over our shock and horror and just answer the questions honestly, put the facts out there and make sure they understand that this is a choice they get to make....choose wisely.

No amount of threats or scare tactics kept me from making my choice what I feel now was too early. But like Mominatrix said, I had to learn on my own and that left it up to me to discover. Not the best of options.

Anissa Mayhew

www.hope4peyton.org

The Definition Of Sex

chronicchick — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 11:33:26 -0500

After we had a former president who even wanted a defintion of the term, who are we to say what is and isn't a base these days? Personally my definition, as I told my child, when someone has an orgasm, it's sex- and it didn't require me to get elected to know this.

Third Base Ain't What it Used to Be

Logan Levkoff — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 10:47:49 -0500

Rita,

I am chuckling, only because my book is entitled, Third Base Ain't What It Used to Be: What Your Kids are Learning About Sex Today - and How to Teach Them to Become Sexually Healthy Adults. As a sexuality educator (and a mom), there is so much we have to do in order to empower our children to feel good about themselves (and their innate sexuality) so that they don't need to be validated by others. And this is certainly important in light of the latest news out of Gloucester, MA.

Fondly,

Logan

Dr. Logan Levkoff

Sexologist and Sexuality Educator

www.loganlevkoff.com

Is it really that different?

biggirlblue — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 23:07:15 -0500

Is it really that different? I'm 38, and both my best friends in grade school had vaginal and oral sex with multiple partners before highschool (each of them came from different sides of the tracks so to speak). Or is it because of all the news sources available to us that we hear about it more?

Moe
Big Girl Blue, M.E. Wood lens, Large and Lovely

"Women are going to form a chain, a greater sisterhood than the world has ever known." ~Nellie McClung, 1916

2 Thoughts....

dee mcbass — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 23:15:07 -0500

1) Maybe what is 'normal' is being redefined.

2) In the grand scheme of things, oral sex is a safer (notice I didn't say 'safe') alternative to vaginal or anal sex, at least physically. I do wonder about the emotional implications....

DMcB

Ostriches Might Be onto Somthing

cagey333 — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 11:04:26 -0500

I am going to teach my kids that sex is a quaint folk ritual that nobody actually practices any longer.

*sigh*

That's What You Get For Being a Sexually Repressed Society

Motherhooduncensored — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 07:40:15 -0500

I think much of this stems from society's inability to openly discuss sexuality with their kids, as well as a focus on "saving yourself" for marriage that I firmly believe is perpetuated by the religious right. It doesn't help that many parents swoon at the thought of being naked in front of each other -- or, even worse, the thought of their kids growing into sexual beings. Shocking that a society of sexually repressed folks would have kids flocking to oral sex parties. My parents firmly believed in asexuality apparently, so I had to figure it out on my own, and like many college-aged girls (I started late -- I mean, let's be frank -- the thought of sticking a penis in your mouth isn't the most appetizing thing in the world), I decided that oral sex was indeed the better option as opposed to *gasp* lose my precious virginity. Nobody explained all the acts of love to me -- just that sex was it and everything else was a way to keep yourself from doing "it."

The truth is sexuality develops from the beginning of our kid's lives and parents need to take more responsiblity in the education of them. I mean, if you're going to give out blow jobs, at least tell your kids to wait until they're married with three kids and want to get their husband to do some stuff around the house.

(heh)

MominatrixMotherhood Uncensored

I miss the good old days.

mommypie — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 15:11:48 -0500

I have a four-year-old daughter and this is frightening. Who know's WHAT will be considered "normal" by the time she hits her teens?

The thing that really freaks me out are the "Rainbow" Parties ...

You have to talk to your kids

Candelaria Silva — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 10:55:47 -0500

I talked to both my son and daughter about sex, using both formal language and informal slang. I told them that sex was a normal part of life but that there were reasons they should wait until they were independent to have it. I talked to them about birth control, about feelings, about being STDs, about privacy, about self-respect, etc. I told them that I thought oral sex was as intimate, in fact somewhat more intimate than vaginal sex. I also told them I wasn't prepared to be a grandmother before my time and that they weren't prepared to be parents. Some of what I said worked, some of a didn't but they couldn't say they didn't hear from me. I also had lots of books around - including What's Happening to My Body (one for girls, one for boys).

I was also a hot-tailed teenager myself coming of age during the sexual revolution. My mother's instructtions, strictures (and a healthy dose of fear) helped me out until the summer after high school.

Talking about the feelings, the pressures, privacy, how just because someone wants to have sex with you doesn't mean they like you, love you or respect you is important.

Thank goodness I have a few years before my granddaughter has to be brought into the conversation. It ain't easy!

Can I just lock my daughters up...

violetteb — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 10:04:10 -0500

Believe me, I'll be reading all these resources and more with three daughters. Do the parents of boys consider this and help us in this discussion or is it an us against them issue?

http://her-christian-blog.com

Kids and Oral Sex: The Bases Have Changed

Rita Arens — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 09:01:37 -0500

My coworkers and I were laughing the other day about "the bases" of sex. You know, first base, second base, third base, and all that. Suddenly, one of my coworkers stopped laughing. "You know," she said, "the bases have changed."

WHAT?

Apparently, third base is no longer a hand up a skirt. It now means oral sex. And more and more kids are experimenting with it, younger than you'd think. And? It's just part of the mix.

From Slate:

The raw numbers indicate that 50 percent of teenagers aged 15 to 19 have had vaginal sex. Fifty-five percent have had heterosexual oral sex. Are kids substituting oral for vaginal? Nope. Among technical virgins—teens who have never had vaginal sex—23 percent have had oral sex. That number sounds high until you notice that among nonvirgins, the oral-sex figure is 87 percent. If your teenager has had "basic" sex without somebody's mouth being involved, congratulations. You're probably the only such household on your block.

Sound scary? There's more. From WebMD:

"Young adolescents are perceiving that oral sex is less risky than vaginal sex in terms of health risks -- STDs, pregnancy, and HIV," Halpern-Felsher says. "They also see oral sex as having fewer social and emotional risks. They think they are less likely to feely guilty, to get in trouble, to have a bad reputation, or to have a relationship problem. They also felt oral sex is more acceptable. They think more teens are having it, and that it is OK in the context of both a dating and nondating relationship -- a one-night stand in our terms."

As the parent of a four-year-old, I hadn't really given oral sex a thought, but hearing that the bases have changed gave me pause. Are kids having more sex than they did when we were kids? Are they having it younger? Are they having more oral sex than we did? Will it affect their adult relationships? BUT WILL YOU LOVE ME FOREVER?

What seems to be worrying researchers is not so much the oral sex, but the fact that it's catapulted ahead of regular intercourse in the casual-to-intimate timeline. They worry kids are likely to misinterpret what's "normal" in a casual relationship. And, all this oral sex might be a way to both have some fun and stay within the bounds of "virginity."

From USA Today:

Although governmental and educational campaigns urge teens to delay sex, some suggest teens have replaced sexual intercourse with oral sex.

"If you say to teenagers 'no sex before marriage,' they may interpret that in a variety of ways," says Fisher.

So what's a parent to do? What should you say? Here are some resources for parents with adolescent kids. Maybe better read them before you catch your kid rounding third and heading for home.

The Site

Teen Wire

The Centers for Disease Control

Teen Advice from About.com