BlogHer - Are You Marriage Material? Er, Do You Want to Be? - Comments

not a restless heart,

s.e.a.mom — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 13:26:17 -0500

So, my life experience hasn't changed all that much...I never had an affair, because luckily my own insightfulness kicked in to recognize that wanting to 'have an affair' was a red flag that there was something missing in my marriage, and the affair was the obvious panacea. It didn't help though, that the person I fantasized about being with is someone I loved very much once -- right before my husbannd came along. He had much to tell me regarding his regrets about the demise of our relationship. His candor about his mistakes & his request for forgiveness softened my heart, and also made me aware of the tenderness I still have for him. However, Ive been able to successfully separate fact from fiction; the 'what could have been', from what is.

So, I have still tried to live with my husband, because, like I've said our history is precious to me, as is the happiness of our family along with the stability of having a family unit for our children. BUT, I also know that trying to live an ideal is dangerous business, not to mention phoney. And so, in terms of the big picture, things haven't changed much. My husband's passive aggressive behaviors persist, and though some of my co-dependent ones do too, the difference is I own mine. I try to alter how I act and react to different things/emotions. I'm working on changing me, instead of waiting for him to change. Yet our situation has gotten so ugly lately that we have both verbalized the need to not be afraid to think of divorcing, and we still remain where we are - frozen.

I'm trying to get myself at that point where I am ready to jump off the train, so to speak, and not waste any more of my life. I hope to do so as amicably as I can with my husband, but I think that blindly waiting for 'things to get better' is just being stupid. Try, try again....and then quit, right? No use being a damn fool about it.

It is selfish. But I think

avflox — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 06:28:17 -0600

It is selfish. But I think the word has a bad rep. Just because you think of you doesn't make you incapable of thinking about others. Self-absorption is a different thing altogether. That does make you incapable of thinking about others. But knowing what you want and going for it and refusing to compromise your dreams, goals and expectations? I think there is something heroic in it.

And it takes work! It's easy to let go and let life live you instead of living it. It's easy to give yourself over to someone and then bemoan your lack of fulfillment on them. But it's your choice (usually). You can choose to not give yourself up. You might be surprised at how many people want to run the marathon at your side.

And if not--you have your dreams. And their fulfillment is the real stuff of happiness.

Bill, you're a smart man. :-)

Nordette — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 14:46:55 -0600

And I mean that. I really do. *grins*

Actually... I should say, they're not PLANNING to give anything up when they get married, which is why the dating/mating ritual is as lame as it always has been and always will be. If a guy doesn't do his own laundry or wash his own dishes NOW... what makes you think he's going
to do laundry or wash dishes when he gets married to you? If he likes to watch football ALL DAY on Sundays, what makes you think that's going to change? Guys in general get married to make their lives EASIER and not HARDER! :)

Amen! I tell my daughter that you don't go into marriage thinking you can change that man.

Aslo, I think some women get married thinking marriage will make their lives easier only to discover they have less time for themselves, and that later results in no time for introspection, which may eventually lead to glass being thrown and screaming matches.

No matter how often they hear it said that "mariage is hard work," folks tend to believe, "Ahhh, but my marriage will be different."

Nordette is a BlogHer CE, personal blog WSATA. Also @ Twitter.

Sometimes marriage is hell on a pogo stick, no slapping involved

Nordette — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 14:40:07 -0600

Not saying your marriage is hell, but I remember feeling like you once, and I know we're not the only ones who've experienced that psychic suffocation. We can listen to friends or watch TV and know good marriages don't simply pop up. They take work, and sometimes the best intentions result in discontent.

Thinking of what we've been seeing on the screen lately and what I've been reading, it's possible marriage is being re-examined by a lot of people today. On the AMC TV show Mad Men, which takes place in the the 60s, you can watch how tight societal expectations drive a woman crazy. The theme of the unfulfilled female is most obvious in the marriage between Don and Betty. Have you seen that show?

I think Betty is sad and angry. She looks at her life and thinks, “how did I get here”? It’s especially poignant that she is so beautiful, an idealized young mommy. Sometimes when I watch Betty I project her emotions onto my own life. Sometimes I’m angry because my husband isn’t home from work yet and I’m feeling lonely, or I’m worried if I will feel trapped once I become a mother, or if I will lose my shot at relevancy in this world. And then I turn off the TV and do some work, catch up on client billing, and remind myself that I am not a 1960’s housewife. ... But similar issues persist through the generations of American middle class mothers.(Morra)

And now we have the movie Revolutionary Road in theaters:

April and Frank Wheeler are a young, thriving couple living with their
two children in a Connecticut suburb in the mid-1950s. Their
self-assured exterior masks a creeping frustration at their inability to feel fulfilled in their relationships or careers. Frank is mired in a well-paying but boring office job, and April is a housewife still mourning the demise of her hoped-for acting career. Determined to identify themselves as superior to the mediocre sprawl of suburbanites who surround them, they decide to move to France where they will be better able to develop their true artistic sensibilities, free of the consumerist demands of capitalist America. As their relationship deteriorates into an endless cycle of squabbling, jealousy and recriminations, their trip and their dreams of self-fulfillment are thrown into jeopardy. (IMDB synopsis)

While both these stories take place in the 50s and 60s, women still identify with the female characters I think because even in what would be considered a relatively good marriage today, the woman is still expected to set what she wants aside for her husband. It may be unspoken but the expectation remains palpable.

So, you're not alone in having these feelings, s.e.a.mom. Read the web and you'll find other women examining their lives in the same way. Look at the TV or movie screen and you see stories reflecting our struggle to balance self-love with responsibilities to others.

I fantasized about having an affair when I was married, and I could have had one if I'd been serious about it, but I saw the fantasy as a red flag signaling I had a hole in me and like a child was looking for a quick way to fill it.

We fool ourselves thinking another person will solve our inner conflicts. Even when it's clear we must leave a marriage because our partner is abusive, our finding happiness has less to do with finding a better mate to replace the old spouse and more with finding our stronger selves so we make the right choices for our lives and our children's lives.

Despite my own marriage exploding, I think that if two people love each other and want to work it out and are willing to communicate how they feel to each other, they can find the balance that lets both partners feel fulfilled.

I've been writing about finding happiness lately, "It's Never Too Late: Happiness Now!," and I'm convinced that leaving a marriage does not lead to a happier life if the problem is a restless heart. And life remains full of hard choices and lessons, especially when we have children to raise. So, it's important to not make decisions based on passion and restlessness alone.

And yes, that list from Lisa's blog shouts a million words about what a certain kind of man thinks women should do to please men. However, I do know a few men who are nothing like the men who made that list.

Thanks for commenting. I appreciate your sharing your life experience. I'm sorry it took me this long to respond. I didn't realize I had more comments on the post.

Nordette is a BlogHer CE, personal blog WSATA. Also @ Twitter.

Simpatico

Nordette — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 13:39:39 -0600

This resonates:

But I don't want to give any of myself up. I don't see that as being
selfless or romantic or wonderful. I see it as a disintegration of
self. I think the highest romance is the person who sees you running
toward your dream and can run alongside you without detaining you or
asking you to change direction when his or her path takes them a
different way.

I was actually thinking about this earlier today. We tend to call this kind of thinking selfish. But broken people don't make good partners. Whole people, people who know themselves and are happy with who they are make good partners and when they meet a like-minded soul with the same goals or who respects their goals ... Voila! Power couple.

Nordette is a BlogHer CE, personal blog WSATA. Also @ Twitter.

This marriage hinders my personal growth?

Nordette — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 13:31:31 -0600

My younger friend's husband said that, and left. His personal growth was another woman he was seeing while my friend worked to put him through engineering school. She was glad to let him go. Today, she's far more successful than he is and happier too.

Mine said he wasn't happy, and that was probably true. Neither was I. But his getting happy involved another woman whom he met online.

I struggled some financially despite court-ordered support, but like my friend I was cool with the end of the marriage. My ex wasn't centered, except in the sense of being self-centered. And he looks for others to make him happy.

I'm not saying an affair had anything to do with your situation, however.

I do believe that you will find the soul mate you deserve.

Nordette is a BlogHer CE, personal blog WSATA. Also @ Twitter.

I am the marrying type...

Lovebabz — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 11:06:25 -0600

I LOVED being married and will do it again. I was not a tradtional wife by any stretch of the imagination. I had a career, I was a politician, community activist and we adopted 4 kids.

We are divorcing after 13 years of marriage. As I recover from the shock. I realized that he always was afraid of the world. I was not. I found the marriage to be a secure place. My hub...my jumping off place to the world and if I failed ...it was a safe place to land. He wasn't sure of his own place in the world. His compass never read right so he wandered along without a quest. Sure he had projects and new things to take on, but it was never sustaining. So he figured the marriage and family life was a hinderance to his personal growth. He left. I do not own that shit. I was strong in this marriage and I hugged him as best as I could. But it was never enough.

I am convinced that as I exist so does another soul of like ideals and character, commitment and humour.

Be loving & Be in LOVE

I'm not the marrying type,

avflox — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 05:22:37 -0600

I'm not the marrying type, either, Nordette, though I am married. My husband and I are not unhappy, but we definitely agree that if we got a divorce neither he nor I would ever marry again!

It's not that I don't care about companionship and would rather jump from bed to bed all my life--I wouldn't. It's the compromise. Even when you do it freely and for love--as Suzanne mentioned above--you are still giving something up. We dilute our dreams, rework our plans, accommodate, accommodate, accommodate. Every day, man and woman. And all this for the higher dream of having someone you love in your life forever.

But I don't want to give any of myself up. I don't see that as being selfless or romantic or wonderful. I see it as a disintegration of self. I think the highest romance is the person who sees you running toward your dream and can run alongside you without detaining you or asking you to change direction when his or her path takes them a different way.

But, as I said, I'm not the marrying kind.

Thank god for girlfriends. I foresee me and mine in a little shack in Vanuatu, cackling over old blog posts and live-tweeting whose dentures, glasses or oxygen tank has gone missing that day.

Personal freedom vs. marriage

s.e.a.mom — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 10:16:59 -0500

Thanks for the thoughts and insight Nordette. I stumbled upon your post while trying to find stuff on affairs, believe it or not....After what has been an eye/mind opening summer, I have paused and actually considered having an affair, and it's not because I don't love my husband, because I do. In fact, the events of this summer have pulled us closer together than we've been in awhile. I think it has more to do with freedom, and personal insight and creativity, and all the things that can get swallowed up and hidden from oneself within the confines of a 'typical' marriage. When you rediscover them...Watch Out World!! It is freeing, & validating and a powerful feeling. I value my marriage and usually find comfort in it's routines and responsibilities, but.....sometimes I wonder about how much of me I have forsaken to continue in it.

Of course, I have three children that help to 'seal the deal', but even so, lately I've been asking a whole lot of questions which are very similair to the ones you posed. And I also believe that your list of characteristics in a woman which deem her 'unsuitable' for marriage (borrowed from another post) can and should be held up to men across the world. Each and every line applies to the male gender too, but unfortunaltely, we live in a society that still belives such issues such as "domineering and critical personalities...control issues....low self esteem, & deep insecurity and emotionally-neediness...." pertain especially to women, and that we are somehow *less* if we are guilty of any of them. And too, I think you are right about finding unconditional love.....not too sure if it exists, and if so, it's probably only from our moms, and unfortunately I got gyped out of that too, when she died when I was 7.

Perhaps finding a bendable man is the true aim, but for right now I am diggin' on re-finding me.

A lot of good points

Bill Cammack — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 06:28:32 -0500

Excellent article, Nordette. :)

Unfortunately, a lot of women don't think about this, as their main focus is to BELIEVE that they are marriage-material and strive to be *worthy* of marriage. That's all well and good, except what they're not considering is what they're giving up at the same time that they're gaining a husband.

Actually... I should say, they're not PLANNING to give anything up when they get married, which is why the dating/mating ritual is as lame as it always has been and always will be. If a guy doesn't do his own laundry or wash his own dishes NOW... what makes you think he's going to do laundry or wash dishes when he gets married to you? If he likes to watch football ALL DAY on Sundays, what makes you think that's going to change? Guys in general get married to make their lives EASIER and not HARDER! :)

Of course, all my feminist friends here will say that's not "a woman's job" to do all that stuff, and of course, there are lots of guys that take care of themselves and are willing to take care of their woman as well, including dinner for her on the table when she gets home from work. Unfortunately, guys like that sell out faster than hotcakes, so you're gonna have to bring your "A Game" to snag one.

Anyway, I think introspection and self-awareness is key for anyone looking to pair-bond with someone else. If more people actually DID IT, the cheating and divorce rates would be lower.

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

Learn to Differentiate

BTaggard — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 19:47:51 -0500

I was married for 12 years. It was hell. Funny thing ... I still have the fantastic resume. It had to be built as I tried desperately to provide for my family. But, I digress ...

Yes, compromise is a great thing when executed correctly. The key is to learn to differentiate between when you are compromising and when you are changing the essence of who you are simply because you don't want to fight anymore or because he has psychologically maneuvered you into such a position. For a lot of women that line is extremely vague.

"To change for others is to lie to yourself." ~Mona Lisa Smile, Film (2003)

Totally off the subject

Suzanne Reisman — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 11:31:05 -0500

Yeah, the low res programs are cool! I started looking into them when it was clear that I might not be accepted into a traditional program. I'll definitely check out UNO, and thanks not only for the suggestion, but for your kind and supportive comments after my little mini-meltdown. :)

Suzanne Reisman, Contributing Editor - Feminism & Gender
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants

Wife follows husband gender trap?

Nordette — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 19:26:35 -0500

Been there done that and have the checkered resume to prove it.

But for the right spouse, there's no shame in selling out. LOL. There's a lot to be said for being practical, especially when you've got a relatioship that works.

I put off getting my MA because my ex-husband said he should get his MBA first, something he was not really attempting to do. I know now that a desire to get his MBA was not the real motivation for his objectin to my going back to school. So, who can I blame for missing the boat there but myself? I should've gone anyway, but I didn't want to deal with his anger over it.

Suzanne, check out UNO's Low Res Program, but only if you can stand to be away from your family and in Europe for six weeks in the summer. The rest of the year you take classes online. It's not as expensive as some other programs. Sounds like you've got a husband who'd root for you. :-)

I've been considering this program myself, giving my self pep talks with phrases like "no time like the present." What I've got going for me is that my children are older. The scary part is submitting work in order to be accepted.

Nordette Adams is a Contributing Editor with BlogHer.com whose personal blog is at this link.

Marrying Up or Selling Out?

Suzanne Reisman — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 18:54:19 -0500

I have a master's degree; my husband doesn't. At my peak year of earnings, he made about three times more than I did. I'm not sure if that counts for "marrying up," but I think it affects a lot of my decisions. For example, I want to go back to school for an MFA in creative writing, but because his career is in NYC and his career is what will pay for my MFA (as it did for my Master's in Public Administration), I felt I could only apply to schools in the City unless I wanted to move away from him for two years, which I don't. Since I am interested in nonfiction, this seriously limited the number of programs I could apply to, and I didn't get in anywhere. (Although I am on the wait list at one place - fingers crossed!!!) Location was also how I chose which MPA programs to apply to.

I've always planned to be an independent woman who does what is best for my ambitions and career, and yet here I am. Even though my husband treats me equally and tells me that if I were earning more than him, he'd be happy (because we'd have more money) rather than jealous or feeling inadequate as a man, so it's really tricky in a lot of ways. I feel like I still somehow managed to fall into the wife-follows-the-husband gender trap, although I impose it on myself.

Suzanne Reisman, Contributing Editor - Feminism & Gender
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants

Sex and Relationships?

Nordette — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 18:26:55 -0500

Thanks, Liz. I'll add this post to that category right now. I guess it makes sense there too.

If you'll check the comments at Black Women, Blow the Trumpet, the post linked in my post above, you'll see that Vasquez talks about "marrying up," and some other women comment on whether or not it's important to "marry up." One says love is more important but another one says she's considering that it may be important because she's met men who are intimidated by her having a Ph.D African-American women are commenting on that at BWBTT, but I've been wondering if it's something women in general still think about. So, I'm tossing that in your post percolator. :-)

I look forward to reading your post.

Nordette Adams is a Contributing Editor with BlogHer.com whose personal blog is at this link, and you may check her latest personal posts on her BlogHer profile.

Are You Marriage Material? Er, Do You Want to Be?

Nordette — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 14:12:11 -0500

Let's get my answer out of the way quickly. I don't think I want to be marriage material right now. I'm not in a bendable phase of life. Emphasis is on the "right now." Maybe one day ... but, if I put any credence in numerology, then I may never be marriage material. It's possible I never was deep down. My number is "One."

As a divorced woman of 48, who has had two men talk to her seriously about marriage since her divorce, who struggles financially, and who has sexual needs but who wouldn't do well a in a casual affair, I'm sometimes introspective about the whole marriage thing. But for me, the marriage question is not a dating advice matter. It's a "who am I at this moment?" question, because I was married for 23 years.

Friends, both male and female, have accused me of being afraid of marriage because my first one ended so badly. They say I'm still smarting from the hellish divorce. Could be. I sort of get the shivers when I read passages like the following from a MidlifeBloggers.com post entitled " How Can You Tell the Difference between a midlife crisis and shaking the dust from your feet?"

I also have the wonderful example of my mother. She’s 76. Two years ago she married a guy she met on an internet dating site. They’d known each other six weeks and decided to take a trip to his native Alaska, and while they were there they thought they might just as well get hitched. I asked her, tentatively, did she not think it was a bit sudden and she answered, We’re both 74, what are we waiting for? (source)

Her post is not about getting married, but I focused on this woman, her mother, remarrying at 74.

Also, I have a friend who told me about her mother, who's about five years older than I am. She said that her mom met and married her second and current husband a few years ago. I didn't like the sound of that at all. I've even heard of some BlogHer members over 40 who've remarried. When I hear of these nuptials I think good for them! But the thought also crosses my mind, you mean I'm not safe yet? Somebody could still roll up and want to get married?

At other times I wonder what's wrong with me that I have no desire to be one half of a twosome.

At Black Women, Blow the Trumpet, Lisa Vasquez has a provocative discussion about African-American men and women and the spouse shortage. She began her post with a phone conversation she had with an ex-boyfriend who's now married who told her that he thought she didn't want to be married. Like me, she went trolling through her soul after hearing the statement, and that resulted in her writing a post on the subject that includes what women say, what men say, and a series of questions for other women regarding their views of marriage.

At the post she has the following list of what she reports men tell ministers will make a woman unsuitable for marriage.

Which factors would deem a woman less desirable as a marital partner?

Women who have unresolved anger towards their fathers or towards men.

Women who are domineering and critical. Women who have control issues.

Women who have low self esteem and are deeply insecure and emotionally-needy.

Women who have been sexually violated or physically abused in childhood or in adulthood. (Those who have not thoroughly worked through their survivorship issues.)

Women who are self-centered.

Women who have siblings and mothers who are allowed to meddle in their lives.

Women who are too attached emotionally to having family validation and approval.

Women who were forced to grow up too soon.

Women who have managed their lives poorly.

Women who have never seen positive, healthy examples of solid marriages.

Women whose parents had an exploitative, abusive or imbalanced relationship. (Those who have not addressed the wounds and negative expectations that resulted from it.)

Women who have not learned how to have friendships with men.

Women who are career-obsessed.

Women who do not get along with their future in laws. (Read more at African-American men and women and the spouse shortageBlack Women, Blow the Trumpet)

The list at BWBTT is much longer than the list the dating guy gives at AskMen, where I also found one man's answer to be right on target about marriage readiness.

Carl - Accountant, 38 "Having already been married once, I want a woman that communicates and can work out problems." Since the married life is not all about good times, he wants a wife that matches his character. Like any other project in life, he believes that a marriage should be worked through and constantly perfected. "The flipside," says Carl, "is that if you don't keep at it, you'll end up in divorce court." That's it, that's all. (Ask Men)

Marriage has lessons we sometimes learn faster by going through divorce.

I didn't need to answer Vasquez's questions for women at BWBTT near the end of the post, but you may want to take a look at those.

I'm not on the market for marriage, but I have a friend who is on the block. Well, she says she may not want marriage so much as to have a long-term relationship. I don't even want that. She's one of those friends who tells me I'm scared of marriage, but when I look at the amount of energy she's given to thinking about what kind of man would be right for her and compare it to how much I think about this (very little), I know what I feel is not fear but disinterest.

I enjoy the freedom of only concerning myself with what my children and elderly parents need and what I need or want. I hated the pressure of being expected to conform to what my former spouse or society believes makes a "good" wife. Neither have I found myself since my divorce thinking I'd do this or go there if only I had a husband or boyfriend. When I try to imagine being married, I shudder, true, but I don't think that's about fear of marriage but aversion.

Perhaps those men in Vasquez's post would put me in the category of being "self-centered," but I don't think that's it. I don't put myself ahead of my children. I'm concerned about social justice, improving the world, and helping people other than myself, and I volunteer time to causes because of how people will be served, not to get a gold star. But, I do like making decisions about my life and how I spend my time for myself. Does that make me self-centered?

In contrast, being in a good relationship and spending time with a male companion is very important to my friend, so much so that she's taken time to dissect what makes a good mate. She's also divorced, btw, and was married for the same length of time as I. Like me she wasn't happy in her first marriage, and she doesn't want a man to run her life, but she does, unlike me, want steady male companionship.

When she talks to me about men of interest and relationships, I realize she's far more suited to what most men want in a wife than I am. She talks about cooking and organizing living space, how she would help so-and-so get his health on track. She also puts lots of energy into her career, and I doubt she'd give it up for a man. Still, with time, money, and a male focus, I think she could Betty Crocker down and be a great, traditional wife.

Is that what it takes, doing the Betty Crocker quick step?

I know some women don't like to hear it, but I think most average men prefer traditional wives who will cook and clean and free them of those duties if at all possible. My mother didn't model this aspect of life to me as the key to a happy marriage, but I do recall arguments about cooking and cleaning when I was growing up. She worked, but my dad still hoped for June Clever, although he was not Ward.

To me household duties are something you do because you have to whether married or not. Only those wealthy enough to keep household staff can avoid it. But when you're a married heterosexual female, you do such duties on someone else's timetable and sometimes how someone else may want them done. And if you put these duties off for a while when they fall to you, there may be trouble. But for me, while I've gone through spells of domesticity, making a home does not come naturally. It's a real effort for me to think domestically regularly.

Nevertheless, I was raised seeing women serve men, not my mom as much as other women in the family, but I did see this behavior as standard. A man comes home and you fix him his plate. You attend a gathering and look! The women are preparing plates for men, bringing them their food and fetching their drinks. I still see this on TV shows and in commercials. Is it nature, or are we women nurtured this way? I think it's a little of both.

My stronger egalitarian nature, however, has never warmed to living my life this way, yet my practical nature senses that many relationships work better when the female adopts the servant role. Unfortunately, I'm one who easily absorbs guilt about not living this female tradition. Sunday School lessons shout in my head, "Who are you to not want to be a servant? Christ was a servant!"

The point I make here is not that you must like housework or even do housework in order to be a wife. If that were true then wealthy married men who employ cooks and housekeepers could declare their wives are not wives. What I'm talking about is compromise. Are you willing to compromise, are you willing to take on a duty or adopt a position on a regular basis that you don't like or that doesn't agree with your nature? Will you take it on for life?

For you, the stickler may not be housework or you may have a mate who doesn't measure his wife by housework, but something will come up that you must do that you would prefer to do on your own timetable and not someone else's, if you do it at all. Will love be enough to keep you in your place?

I married too young for me, I think, at age 20. I wish I had thought things through more carefully and not even had a relationship so young. I wish I had scrutinized myself back then the way Anxious Black Woman apparently has done according to her comment at BWBTT to Lisa Vasquez:

I guess I should jump right into this since I'm unmarried. Except, unlike you, I think marriage is VERY political, so I'm not sure how much this can be divorced from politics. Also, I too have been told that the reason why I'm in my 30s and still unmarried is because I don't want to be a "wife," and my eyes are finally opening and realizing that, yes, I have not been imagining myself in wife mold. I've fantasized the whole "bride" thing. Wife thing? Not so much. (Comment at BWBT)

When I read that I wondered how did I get married at all? I didn't fantasize about weddings either. Wait! Oh, yes, I fantasized romance and thought I was in love. Stupidity just sort of happens.

I know myself better now. I've been stupidity stricken since my divorce. I mean totally smitten. I met a man and found myself feeling that I wanted to take care of him. No, he didn't need anyone to take care of him, not even to cook for him. He is one of those new-age "strong, secure" men. But I knew that if I were with him, I'd lean that way, lean toward deferring to him and putting his wants ahead of mine. Visions of fixing a plate danced in my head. That's how stupid the infautation chemicals in my brain made me.

And then I wondered, but how long would it last? How long would I want to defer? When would I start to feel I was taken for granted? And what would happen the first time we strongly disagreed? After getting used to being put first, would he turn into a crazy control freak trying to rein me in? Or would unconditional love prevail on my part and make me able to bend over backward? (And I knew it would have to be me because I could tell this new-age strong man could be inflexible.)

Unconditional love, a phenomenon that creates flexibility, is a rare thing, perhaps even a myth when it comes to the average human. On that the owner of BWBTT and I agree. But wouldn't it be nice to find a mate who possessed that quality. Not one that let you run over him, but one who bent with you? I think the average man either bends too far or rarely at all, especially the older, average man. A firm, yet bendable middle-aged man is hard to find. And is it male nature in general that assumes the woman must bend? When they drool over flexibility is it about more than great sex?

Like I said, until I'm ready to bend over again, I'm not the marrying kind.

Nordette Adams is a Contributing Editor for Blogher.com whose personal blog is at this link.