BlogHer - Was 40 Too Old? - Comments

It's a personal choice as well as your life's destiny

Fabulously40 — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 23:09:31 -0500

I got married young, had kids young and managed to do it all, or at least that’s what I thought. By40 my body started to fall apart from stress and all kinds of auto immune disorders. Regardless of the fact that we all think we are "SupperWomen", we are not, there is a price to pay that's built into the package.

Yes it’s probably easier and healthier to have your kids early on in life, but is it always really up to us? I know many women that would of wanted to have kids in their twenties and thirties but didn’t find their Mr.Right until they were 40, so what are they suppose to do now, not have kids?

I often said that I’m glad I had my kids early on in lifebecause I have no patience or strength left, but in reality, had I not raised four kids that are practically a year apart, I would of probably done a great job at forty and would have had all the strength, wisdom and patience necessary at forty.

My two cents on the subject:

When a woman decides to become a mother, she needs to understand the responsibilities, commitment, unconditional love and sleepless nights (very many of them, especially during the teenager years)that go along with being a mom. If she has enough love to go around and willingness to nurture, protect and put that child ahead of anyone or anything else in life, does it really matter how old she is?

Yana Berlin is founder of www.Fabulously40.com, a website forwomen in their prime who want to explore all their talents and possibilities.She created the site as an extension of her passion for artistic expression and to provide an online environment for women to connect, share and support each other at this very special time in their life.

I strongly disagree

Graceful Parenting — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 19:18:45 -0500

We can all point to women who are 40 or 45 or 50 who get pregnant, but for me, the truth is that I waited until I was 35 to start trying to get pregnant and my eggs were too old. At 35 I was too old to have my own baby. I can't express in a simple blog comment how deeply I mourned this loss.

I got pregnant with donor eggs. It was a very difficult pregnancy because of my age. It was life threatening for me and for my twin girls. One of my girls did not survive. Her name was Grace.

So, when people say, 'Hey, you can wait until you are 40 to have kids, no problem' I strongly disagree.

I agree with your last paragraph. There isn't one right answer for everyone and I respect women who choose to wait and no one should judge them. But when we talk about the issue, I think women should know that 35 is too late for some of us. It just is. ~~We should be honest about that.~~

UPDATE - Strike that last sentence. It is a really bad sentence. I don't think anyone is being dishonest. I also don't know all the numbers for what percentage of women will have trouble having kids at which age. I just know that when we make our choices, the possiblity of not being able to have kids because you are older is part of the information to be considered.

Carol Marie Ramsey
Finding balance and peace in parenting at Graceful Parenting

Was 40 Too Old?

Lauriesm — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 13:32:46 -0500

So, Nataly Kogan posed a great question in her blog. Is it a help or not to your career to delay the start of your family?

As I pondered how to comment, I found myself a little lost. The question infers intent…planning…scheduling.

I confess that I wasn’t so calculated about it. I didn’t think out that I would do this and that at this and that time in my life. In hindsight (reflection is an awesome tool!), I moved from my parents’ home at 24 when the opportunity presented itself. I married at 27 when I met a man I fell in love with, I worked my way up in a career because that’s what my heart told me to do, and then I decided to have a child at 40 because it felt like the right time. That’s when I was ready.

I have friends – we all do – who made different decisions than mine. The “right” or “wrong” of those decisions is not up for discussion. That’s a very individual thing and only they know the answer. It’s not for any of us to judge.

But the thing I found amusing with Nataly’s post was how people responded. You’d think that 30 years old is ancient to have a baby. Oh, please.

They wrote about the exhaustion of having a child over 30. (Yes, that’s true. So what?)

They wrote that women are different than men and don’t have to start a career right out of college. (Hmmm. What if you want to start a career right out of college?)

They wrote scary things about infertility and the chances of not getting pregnant after 30. (This is the part I find offensive. Your body is very individual, and there are 20-something women who have fertility problems, too.)

My new sister-in-law, Tricia, married my brother Brad last summer. She’s in her mid-30s and is a wonderful speech therapist who works extensively with children. Similarly, Tricia and Brad have close friends who are expecting a child and the mother-to-be – also a career-minded woman – is 38. Their conversations about when to have children are laced with stressing about being too old. Again, oh, please…

How does a decision to have a child later in your life make you a lesser mom? How does a decision to have a child and shelf your career ambitions for a while make you a lesser professional? Why does a decision to be a working mom make you unapproachable to those who have taken the mommy-only track and those who have taken the career-only track?

Here’s the thing. Choices are part of life. How and when you choose to have a career, a relationship, a child, a life are all up to you. You’re the adult. You get to decide. You get to live with those choices – right or wrong. And, no one gets to judge you.