Wonderful insights

Maria Niles — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 21:21:02 -0500

Thanks for your comment, Candelaria. You make excellent points about the need to come from and seek a sense of balance. Not score keeping but not making it bankrupting for either party.

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Great Post

Candelaria Silva — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 20:06:54 -0500

I have tended to be the one among my friends who was the cheerleader, the organizer of outings, and the one who gave help. I've recently learned to ask for help although I have this elaborate process of aligning my need with the friend who I feel can best provide it rather than just asking in general.

I think one gives best from overflow not from emptiness, so I do think you have to make sure you and your situation are stable before you can give to others. Giving to others should never imperil your own solvency or fortitude. Friendships are a relationship between two people which means that there is some reciprocity to it.

Random acts of assistance to put goodnes into the universe is something we all should do because it elevates the universe. The more good there is, there more good there will be!

None of us gets through life alone.

Risky

Maria Niles — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 12:08:46 -0500

Thanks for your comment, Lucretia. That is a conundrum - friends who disappoint are incredibly stressful. But they could respond with gratitude for the ability to help. I was very struck by this comment from Right Said Red:

By asking for help she started a real relationship with me and did more to build community than the 50 unaccepted offers of help I have given out in the past several months.

I'd encourage you to click through to her post because it is thoughtful and tackles this risky, tricky balance.

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We all need friends...

GeekMommy — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 04:26:00 -0500

I find I'm much better at giving help to friends than asking for it or receiving it. Because I know that I will feel that satisfied feeling knowing I could help someone - but I'm not always sure my 'friends' will respond when asked - and usually at the point I ask, I'm not in a place where I can add "disappointed by friends" to the list of stressors or hardships already on my plate.

It's a very interesting thing your article just made me realize. Thank you.

Lucretia (aka GeekMommy)

Raising a child in a digital world, still a digital girl

Getting By With Help From Friends

Maria Niles — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 01:19:45 -0500

Tonight I spent 2 hours driving a friend to the airport. My friend didn't ask me for this favor but when I heard she needed one, I offered. When I got home I called the real estate agent for the house across the street (the family has moved out) to let him know that the garage door was standing open and anyone could enter the house. He was unable to come attend to the house and he asked me to take care of it as a neighbor and as a favor to the family. I did so happily.

I'm not telling you this because I want you to think what a magnificent human being I am, because I'm no saint. I helped my friend and former neighbors because it makes me feel good. I got to spend a bit of time with a friend who lives halfway across the country now. And not only am I glad I could help my neighbors but it helps keep our neighborhood a little safer.

My motivation, however, was not just out of a selfish desire for endorphins but also out of gratitude for the many, many times when friends and family have helped me. I'm not keeping some sort of obligation scorecard but in general, in my life, like everybody else, I have had times when I've needed a little or a lot of help. The very least I can do is to repay my karmic debt by cheerfully helping when I can. I don't discount the happiness rush, though. It just feels darn great when I can do something to help someone else. None of us is in a position to help everybody we would like in every way they need. But looking for those opportunities where we can look beyond ourselves for a moment, recognize a need and an opportunity to fill it, no matter how simple, enriches both the givers and recipients of favors.

Tales of help from bloggers:

Duck from Speculum Stories And Other Confessions From A Fertility Challenged Woman is grateful to finally be able to help a friend live a dream. The friend took over doing "the Devil's" work but now has struck out on her own. Duck writes:

Today was the first day I got out to give her a hand... I created vendors and inventory in simply accounting. It felt great.

Not just to see her.
Not just to have work for my idle hands.
But to be productive.

To help someone achieve a dream.
If felt great.

I'm going back again tomorrow!

Right Said Red at Building Cathedrals discovers the importance of asking for help.

In the past, I was a person always willing to offer help--and I felt that, by offering, I was somehow working towards building a real sense of community in our church and town. And I am. But community isn't just about offering and giving, it is also about receiving, and doing so graciously. I can't have "real" relationships with people if I am giving, giving, giving, but not also opening myself up to asking and receiving.

And that brings me back to my new friend. By asking for help she started a real relationship with me and did more to build community than the 50 unaccepted offers of help I have given out in the past several months. And that is an important lesson for all of us type-A mommies!

Serena Barton receives help from two friends and makes a new one.

Sometimes I really have to make an effort to let people help. It's much easier to help someone than to let someone do nice things for you just because they want to. I'm glad I could accept Sally's wonderful help and enthusiasm.

A friend asked Ria K. to offer a temporary home to Stubby, a homeless cat. Ria discovered that Stubby needs extensive surgery or will face euthanasia. Ria decided to help Stubby "lead a long, happy life" with the support of blog reading friends:

I’ve created a website called http://www.freewebs.com/surgeryforstubby, where you can learn a little more about Stubby as well as make donations in any amount to help cover the cost of the surgery. For every $5 donated, you’ll receive an entry in the Thank You Raffle for a chance at the Grand Prize of a $50 SuperCertificate to http://www.GiftCertificates.com

Adrian F is fighting foreclosure (a possibility she is facing due to divorce) with help from friends and family. Adrian's mother persuaded her to accept help from family rather than friends because she recognizes how much support she will need through this process from her friends.

My mom is the one who came up with the idea of paying for movers for me. I had this elaborate plan that involved eight friends, four SUVs and a partridge in a pear tree. Mom put the kibosh on it and insisted on me just hiring movers to do the work; as she said, "You will be relying on your friends for a lot over the next year, let's save them (and their backs) for something else." I couldn't argue with her logic*, so I tried to graciously agree.

Adrian's mother's lesson is an important one. As denisesays at Get Away asks, helping a friend - is it ever too much?

I have been helping this friend.. a lot. Almost too where it is effecting me to where I can be harmful to my own situation. I understand that you should always have a friend’s back and that it is better to give than to receive but at what point do you have to say I can’t help you anymore? Just to type it I feel guilty.

How has help from friends affected your life? Or do you hesitate to ask? Do you get a sense of joy from helping others? Have you ever had the disappointing experience of having your friendship and willingness to help taken advantage of?

BlogHer - Getting By With Help From Friends - Comments

Wonderful insights

Great Post

Risky

We all need friends...

Getting By With Help From Friends