BlogHer - Relationship Switches and What Flips Them - Comments

He saved you

rebellious thinker — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 08:21:06 -0500

madbails1: Well, if you wondered what might have been with this guy, you have been saved from that torment.

Laura, www.rebelliousthoughtsofawoman.com

update

madbails1 — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 07:48:47 -0500

Hi
so it's been about a month since I first blogged on here. The guy i was seeing called us off and thought that we could remain friends.

So one month on where are we and what is going on... has the switch flicked?

Well, firstly I failed to mention that we actually met online. we emailed a few times and spoke on the phone. Made contact and got on famously. we started seing each other, then after a few months the dreaded phone call. and since then we have remained friends. but have not seen each other, just some text messages and phone calls.

So, last week I thought I'd reload my profile on-line again. Really just to have a bit of a look around, and get back into it. I was ready to move on. Then I got this revolting text message from my ex, demanding to know why I was back online, looking for men?? WHAT?? can you believe the audasity of this fella? for a start, he called us off, now he's just being a twat!

The switch has flicked!! big time!! funny how at first you never think you'll get to this point, then something just happens...

Thank you for all the comments that had been left since, I have last blogged. Not all for me I know, but they were really interesting. Thanks.xx

Don't rage against the machine

rebellious thinker — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 09:05:01 -0500

Be happy that these men, in mature or immature fashion, have left the relationship. It's far better than if they would have stayed in past the expiration date and truly made your life bitter.

Laura, www.RebelliousThoughtsofaWoman.com

Letting Go

carolann1022 — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 06:31:01 -0500

I too have a hard time letting go of someone I care so much about and he feels the same but had commitment issues. It's been about a month and I had to decide not to contact him or see him at all because I can't have closure if I keep that door open.

Yes, I'd be thrilled if he called me and said he had come to his senses and doesn't want to live without me in his life - then we could talk. I doubt I will ever find another man who treats me like he did and looks at me that way. That makes me very sad. Last night I had a setback when I saw his old profile online, which is where we met. I miss him so much and hope he misses me.

I just have to trust that everything happens for a reason and for the best.

Carol Ann

I've been broken up for a

EmpressCallipygos — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 11:46:39 -0500

I've been broken up for a month, but the switch wasn't flipping, so it was hard. And for good reason -- this was a GOOD, GOOD MAN. He IS a GOOD, GOOD MAN. He was more supportive, adoring, ardent, faithful, encouraging, passionate, and attentive than anyone I have ever met EVER. The one and only reason he backed out was, pure and simple, a fear of going any further on his part; and even here, I don't hold that against him, because he's been badly burned, and unless he gets those scars healed he's not gonna want to go the distance with anyone else. So it was all a timing thing.

Which sucked, of course. And that's why for the past few weeks I've been finding it hard to let go, because for God's SAKE why would I want to let go of something that't this good, especially when the guy was still being caring and concerned and all the rest? (Yes, we'd seen each other a few times since the breakup, and yes, it was healing and wounding both.)

But. This isn't the first time I've tried transitioning an ex from "ex" to "friend," and I pass through an annoying state in between, when I am very unsure of how to behave around them and so I turn into a gad-damned Stepford Wife and turn myself inside out to be helpful to them. This does freak them out for a while, and they call me on it, and then I grovel and apologize until they get even more freaked out and forgive me and then I go back to being Stepford Wife-y again. (The poor guys. It's a wonder they still wanted to talk to me.)

I was JUST starting to hit this phase when my ex sent me a short, polite, but firm email calling me on my behavior. And I...wasn't as mortified as I usually was. I sent back a short apology, and told myself I would leave him alone. I spent all of yesterday feeling icky.

But this morning...I woke up seething at him. How DARE he spurn my support? How DARE he turn away my good intentions? Well, if that's what he thought, then to HELL with HIM.

The thing is, I KNOW that this kind of thinking isn't rational. I was bugging the bejesus out of him and he had every right to tell me to back off, because I WAS doing something unhealthy. I KNOW this anger is going to go away, just like his being annoyed with me is going to go away, and within two weeks he'll send me a goofy link like he always does and everything will be back to normal.

But this anger, irrational though it is, has accomplished something very important -- it has started flipping that switch for me, and it is getting me to stay the hell away from him for a while like I'm supposed to be doing. So as long as it doesn't spur me to leave a flaming bag of dog poo on his porch, I'm going to go with it, irrational as it is, because it will fade and I'll have finally started to act the way I'm supposed to be acting.

focus on your needs

Liz Rizzo — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 09:43:20 -0500

I think that in these confusing situations it often helps to think about the giving and receiving in the relationship. I mean, does he really want to be friends, with all the give and take of friendship, or does he just want to use you when he decides he needs company.

And if friendship, are you even interested in that? I'm friends with the Hunky Actor because I really wanted to be his friend. I've dated a lot of guys I wasn't interested in friendship with so I just moved on. After just 3 months, unless he's someone you are *really* interested in being friends with, why not just move on clean?

Further, "He says that because I'm more like his best mate, he couldn't see himself marrying me..." That's just lame. He's not saying what he really means there, right? What he means is, he's not attracted to you romantically, I'd think.

Finally, I hate this, "He says he hopes he's not making the biggest mistake of his life." I've gotten that before and I think it reflects on someone who is either talking out their butt, or doesn't know what they want. Both are annoying.

Good luck - Do what makes you happy (if not in the moment, than ultimately because you are being true to yourself) and what respects YOUR wants and needs.

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Thank you for your

madbails — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 21:12:28 -0500

Thank you for your response.... I think deep down I knew what I have to do... easier hearing it from someone else. so thank you. :)

I'm Better Off

carolann1022 — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 15:58:00 -0500

Thanks Liz for the support - and as madbails shared my guy also wanted to keep dating and maintain the status quo. But I can't settle ever agin!

Carol Ann

What Now

carolann1022 — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 15:53:43 -0500

If I had know at 3 months what I know now I would definitely have let him go. My man didn't communicate this until 1 year and it is much harder now to accept it. I also know from experience, if you keep seeing him as friends or whatever it will hurt you more because you still care more than he does. The right decision is never easy but think about yourself and your future first and good luck! Also, he's a good guy for being honest, gotta respect that. Just have a good support system to fall back on when you are tempted to call or text :)

Carol Ann

what now

madbails — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 10:44:55 -0500

Hi there

i've just had the dreaded phone call.

His words....

I'm his best mate, he loves hanging out with me, loves spending time with me. Wants to go on holidays with me. Texts me everyday, calls me, too. We've only been seeing each other for a few months, and things were still (or so I thought) in the honeymoon stage.. It was still really exciting, I was giddy at the thought of seeing him. Bummed when it was time to leave ( we live a hour and a half drive apart). But that's cool, we both have pretty full lives. both have kids, full time jobs and both business owners, so we both have plenty going on in our lives. We even introduced our kids..which couldn't have been anymore perfect a day.... But... the dreaded but....

He says that because I'm more like his best mate, he couldn't see himself marrying me....didn't know if he could watch his best mate walk towards him and want to marry me.... HELLO??? we only just started going out!! I don't even know if this guy is who i would marry (especially since I have already done that! and don't know if I ever will again). He says he doesn't want to lead me on. That if we got to a year down the track, that we could have had this talk and with the same result.... I mean who really knows after 3 months.... or do you? I just don't know anything anymore... and I'm a smart girl.

However, he still wants to hang out ( I'm no-one's "friend with benefits"), and I have said that I certainly will not sleep with him again. He still wants me as a friend, how nice. Would still like to do things with the kids....etc. He still wants to see me when we normally would have got together... what is his deal. He says he hopes he's not making the biggest mistake of his life. And of course i couldn't resist... i assured him he was...with my head held high of course.

He really is the loveliest guy. He makes me very happy when we are together, and i thought it was reciprocated. I can only take it as he calls it. It's irrelevant how i feel, it's all about him. which is how most relationships are when they end. It's about someone having the courage to end it, when it could easily have kept going.

Can anyone shed some light? how do i handle things from now on. Do i continue to spend time with him, purely as mates? Do i cut ties and hope he misses me like crazy? (dumb hey?)

Where do i go from here...

madbails

You are better off!

Liz Rizzo — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 09:13:18 -0500

And it sounds like you know it.

It's so easy to get pulled into these sorts of relationships. As for him coming around, be careful because that's what happens with this type of commitment phobe, when you're walking away they follow, but when you turn towards them they scuttle away.

The aftermath of these types of relationships is so difficult, too. Take care of yourself and trust that someone healthy *will* be able to love you.

Good luck (and hugs!),

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Breakup

carolann1022 — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 18:41:15 -0500

I am writing today for the first time to release some pain and emotions over a breakup with someone I love - I broke up with him after 13 months. He pursued me with a vengeance and told me he loved me after 3 months. I took my time and when ready (6 months) told him I loved him. He never said it back to me again. I gave him the benefit of the doubt knowing he had commitment issues in the past.

We were very happy and well matched as far as personality and things in common and did many intereting and exciting things. When I finally addressed the I love you thing, he seemed to make excuses for why he couldn't say it. I was very confused but whenever we were together he acted like he loved me and treated me like a queen.

After our one year celebration we discussed a commitment and he said he was giving me everything he could. He doesn't want to remarry and was not ready to move in together but neither was I. I did want a verbal affirmation of some sort but he could not do that. I finally asked him if he could tell me that I was not the one - and he said "you're not the one". So I broke it off.

I love him and this is one of the hardest things I've ever done. My friends say oh he'll probably come around and realize what he lost but I can't have any false hope for that. I hope that I heal quickly and am able to move forward with my life but really don't understand why I wasn't good enough.

Thanks for listening!

Carol Ann

Well, it actually took the third time...

Liz Rizzo — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 18:37:11 -0500

I shake my head at myself. I'm a romantic, there's no doubt about that!

And I think you've nailed it - that sometimes we (rightfully) make head decisions, but fully getting over something in your heart is another step entirely, and for me it's a step that can lag quite behind the breakup and the other aspects of moving on.

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

The Relationship Switches...

WomenBloom — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 18:04:04 -0500

I've finally learned that you don't know something until you know it. Duh, you might say, but if you think about it, it's true. You didn't 'know' yet that it was over with Hunky Actor the first time. Took the second time, and then you knew.

I sure wish I"d 'known' that about my last love. I too did the second go around and in retrospect it was over the first time. That's been 3 years ago and I don't think I'm over it yet in my heart. My head knows it was absolutely the right thing, but the heart misses something. Not sure what, but it isn't the guy himself.

Geez, we're complicated things we humans!

Allison

Relationship Switches and What Flips Them

Liz Rizzo — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 00:20:14 -0500

Relationships end for all sorts of reasons and not all them involve the loss of love. In fact, the most emotionally difficult break-ups I've been through were the ones where I was still in love, even though I was the one ending the relationship. I don't know about you, but for me those are the ones that cling.

The wrong song on the radio, an email in your inbox. Somebody mentions your ex at a party, and the pain is there like it never went away. Until the day, if you're lucky, the switch flips and you're free.

My first serious love was a guy I met while I was in high school and we dated some after that and into my undergraduate. We broke up because we were going in different directions, becoming different people. It was the right call. But Oh, how I loved him!

The residual feelings stayed with me for years. I thought I'd never be free of it; that part of me would always miss loving him.

Until one day, I was driving in my car and "Strawberry Wine" by Deana Carter came on the radio. I'd sung with that song a million times; I owned the CD. But for some reason, in that moment, Deana Carter and I sang, "Is it really him, or the loss of my innocence, I've been missing so much?" And for the first time in my life, a major relationship switch flipped. I literally stopped singing, mouth agape. I was free.

Sometimes, things aren't as heavy, but it still feels like a switch flipped. When the Hunky Actor and I broke up for the last time, in the moment, I was in denial, trying to hold on. But I woke up the next morning, and it was gone. The switch had flipped, and it wasn't going back. There was some pain to get through - breakups always suck - but it was done.

I regret being in a relationship that went back and forth a few times. I don't like that I let that happen, and I don't like how other people perceive it. But it was a blessing in the end. A final lesson perhaps, that I needed some repetition to really bring home.

See, a major switch flipped last month after my break-up with the Hunky Actor. Film School Boyfriend; That was pain. Only a month before, he'd emailed me and the mere sight of his name in my inbox completely slayed me with pain, six years after we broke up.

But. The day before my birthday, post Hunky Actor breakup, there was a birthday greeting from him in my inbox, and my instantaneous, absolute gut reaction was, "How nice!"

Sometimes when the switch flips, you spin. I didn't know I could ever release that pain, and there it was, gone.

"Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?" Harris K. Telemacher, L.A. Story

If I have a fatal relationship flaw, it's that I'm perhaps too loyal and too hopeful. I don't intend to change that about myself, because I think that when it's the right person, it's a pretty good way to be. Still, I do feel like I should have walked away from a romantic relationship with the Hunky Actor after the first breakup, but the fact is, I wasn't there yet, and ultimately, I'm glad I played it through.

There's certainly no residual doubt. All the residuals are growth and friendship related, and that's pretty damn cool.

The blogosphere speaks:

Great post from a guy: Ben from Lemon Onion Brinjale blogs 10 Signs That You're Dating a Commitment-Ready Guy. (And a blog that plays music you can actually leave on while you read? I didn't think it was possible.)

Yosefa from Life's Journey blogs Tears. Life. Love. "I have no problem writing what I feel; it’s the speaking that gets me choked up." You, me, and Hugh Grant in every romantic comedy ever, baby. Amen.

Blogger at Jumping in... is So Annoyed with Guys… The Internet could never have enough dating horror stories, that's for sure.

Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.