BlogHer - When, Oh When, Will I Have Sex Again??? - Comments

Hm... Will he care?

Liz Rizzo — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 01:54:05 -0500

"The person I meet will appreciate that I haven't slept with 10 people while waiting to discover him." I don't know; I meet plenty of guys who don't care either way, so I don't really factor that in for myself.

And I think of it as two needs, a physical need and a spiritual need. I'd rather find both, but under certain circumstances, I think just the physical would be pretty satisfying. I wouldn't have sex with any of my past L.A. boyfriends, but a high school reunion... That might have led to some interesting opportunities.

Still, I hear what you're saying. And you're right, the right guy for you probably *will* appreciate that you waited.

Cheers and good luck,

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Waiting for Love

ferngrower — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 14:12:09 -0500

I had 4 chances this past weekend to get laid. It was my high school reunion weekend and 2 old boyfriends, 1 guy I didn't remember and a really good friend were all interested in being with me. This hasn't happened ever, but it felt good to be desired. Still, I knew that having sex and holding someone for a night wasn't going to satisfy my need for sexual intimacy. That's because the need isn't for just sex, but it's a need for a spiritual connection that comes with love, commitment and monogamy. I don't want to sleep with someone who is going to turn around and sleep with someone else after me or have a friend who I use when I've had a few glasses of wine to dull the inhibitions.

I'm celibate right now and I realize even more after this weekend that that is my choice. It's easy enough to get laid, but waiting for a true relationship does takes time. I'm going to put myself out there in social situations and not stay home just because I'm tired, afraid, or whatever excuse I might have. For instance, there are sailing clubs for singles even if you've never sailed or don't have a boat. I Google everything I'm interested in or might be interested in and check to see if there's a group in my area. The person I meet will appreciate that I haven't slept with 10 people while waiting to discover him.

Lynda

~~_/)_~~

Being open about sexuality

Liz Rizzo — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 10:04:25 -0500

You know, after I wrote this post I thought for the first time about people at work reading one of my posts. But how silly, because surely the idea that a single 30-something woman is sexually frustrating and considering options is far from earth shattering! LOL

Still, I *so* appreciate the comments that I'm not alone. Even when you know something in your head, it's not the same as hearing the confirmation from other people.

Thank you!

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

So glad I'm not the only one...

Catherine Morgan — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 20:22:54 -0500

I'm so glad I am not the only one who couldn't figure out how to get the batteries into the Pearl Drop...I felt like I was in a bad episode of Sex in the City.

Contributing Editor Catherine Morgan
at catherine-morgan.com, The Political Voices of Women, Care2 Election

Great post! You are not

Stephanie00 — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 20:05:25 -0500

Great post! You are not alone! I know that the idea of casual sex or even friends with benefits is difficult to grasp and many can not do it. However, you seem very strong and you know what you want so why not go for it?

I was in your sex and relationships seminar and just loved it! I wish women could be more open about their sexuality and embrace it like you!

hilarity, waiting, and waiting

Liz Rizzo — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 10:08:47 -0500

Mir - LOL You're right, a positive attitude is so key. I just feel like I can't bear being full on in the situation where I am totally into someone - *and* having sex with them - and they're not into me. That would make me sad.

Therapy Doc - OK, but when's enough with the pain? Six years? Ten? Fifteen? Twenty? I do believe there will be tipping point for me.

Redheadshesaid - I hear ya. At least we're all in it together! And I'm jealous if you have an ex for sex. ;)

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Let me know when you have it figured out

redheadshesaid — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 20:51:46 -0500

I haven't had sex since I got divorced...several years ago. I have come close many times but just couldn't do the deed for lack of love/commitment/I don't know. I'm not interested in the freiends with benefits, I tried it between marriages. No, I'll wait. I have lots and lots of batteries. Of course there is always my ex...

redheadshesaid http://kidsofqueers.blogspot.com/

the wait

Therapy Doc — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 08:48:02 -0500

nyaah, no pain no gain

therapydoc

at EveryoneNeedsTherapy

mir

mir — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 07:56:45 -0500

Liz, based on your hilarious writing, I see no reason why this worrisome person who you might fall for would not get his boxers in a knot over you big-time!

Worry more about what to do if you end up feeling less then he does?

I am beginning to be of the (really cheesy) belief that we have a tendency to make our own fears come true (not in all cases, but in a few), so you may as well worry only about the best-worst case scenario.

Miriam
Flink Design

Alaska, friends, and sex, sex, sex

Liz Rizzo — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 22:48:21 -0500

Whymomdrinksrum - Well, I've always wanted to go to Alaska, but I don't think they have much of a film industry for me. :)

Alyssa - You know, I agree with you, but in six years in L.A. I've not met one person who's remotely a possibility. But perhaps I've been turned off to it so that's part of why.

no_I_am_Zoe - "the odds are good, but the goods are odd." LOL

Mir - I'm afraid I would get involved and then fall for someone who doesn't fall for me. That would suck.

Maria - How funny! So totally going to check that out!

Therapy Doc - I hear you, but I think the point is, it's been six years and I'm sexually frustrated as hell. I'm a patient person; I can wait for the relationship. I'm just not sure if I can wait for the sex. ;)

Merlotmom! - There's just something that's holding me back. Oh well, time will tell... Guess I'm still thinking about the whole thing.

Gena - Oh, don't tell me it's going to get WORSE! Oh nos!!!

Thanks for the great comments, everyone!

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Tell That To the Estrogen Flow - Stock Up on the Toys

Gena Haskett — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 22:24:33 -0500

I don't know how to break this to you but there is going to be an increase in urges. It is bio-chemical and you won't have much to say about the matter. Let me put it this way, the 7th fleet will not have enough manpower for you.

You are gonna need "handling." Part of that handling is re-framing having sex with yourself as a perk and not as a last resort.

If you don't want to do you well, the laws of attraction you know? Not saying that is your situation. Just putting the thought out there for those who have to make a few leaps of permission.

Until they get those automaton robots ready for female consumption we have to do what we can with the technology available.

Gena - Out On The Stoop

Sex With Others Over the "M" word, Anytime

merlotmom — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 22:14:48 -0500

If I weren't married, that is. Hey, Liz, you're airplane friend, here. I say go for the casual sex. Wish I'd had more of that and less inhibitions when I was single. GO FOR IT and have fun.

merlotmom

www.merlotmom.com

Sex is easy

Therapy Doc — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 20:31:40 -0500

Sorry, it was supposed to read, Sex is easy. It's late. Although Sexasy is like fantasy and that's not half bad.

therapydoc

at EveryoneNeedsTherapy

Sex asy

Therapy Doc — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 20:30:09 -0500

Aw Liz, honey. You're missing the point. Anyone can have sex, casual or monogamous, no diff. It's the relationship part that's the bugger. Get that and you can have sex forever.

Your feminist never casual and to the right,

therapydoc

at EveryoneNeedsTherapy

Might be worth a read

Maria Niles — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 19:55:27 -0500

This story of two women who set out to explore their options for finding sex partners: Sleeping Around Craigslist. As you point out, there is no easy answer to your question.

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When, Oh When, Will I Have Sex Again???

Liz Rizzo — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 23:26:09 -0500

I gotta tell ya, my sexual peak has pretty much been a bust. It's not that it hasn't happened - Oh, no, it's here, baby. It's that I moved to Los Angeles when I was 30, I've been single more than I've been coupled, and I've had exactly no luck finding someone to spend my life with.

I'm a monogamous relationship lover. I'm just not going to have amazing, mind-blowing sex when love isn't there. And here I am, single again. Most of my thirties have felt like one long, frustrating dry spell. It sucks.

I started having sex when I was 16. Serial Monogamy Queen. Now I look back to my teens and 20s and think, Thank goodness I had tons of sex when I could! I didn't have the drive I have now, but at least there was lots of great sex in those years.

At least I have the memories.

And a new Pearl Drop Vibe I finally managed to get open. (Suzanne, you just pull it apart really really hard and it pops open.)

Sigh. Masturbation is such a sad substitute for the real thing. The Pearl Drop Vibe would be much more fun to play with with a partner. At least its adoption into my nightstand means I can throw away my current small vibe which I've nicknamed The Battery Monster because it kills a double A every time I use it.

I've given my ongoing sexual situation a lot of thought in the last 6 years. I've considered if it would be possible to find a monogamous sex partner in L.A. - That is, someone who isn't the one, but you only have sex with each other, while you're dating openly. Friends with benefits. I had that once before, a million years ago, but I felt like he was becoming too attached no matter how clear my communication and his protestations otherwise, so I ended it. Other times, I was the one who wanted more, so I couldn't agree to the arrangement.

And honestly, because of happenings in my L.A. years since, I don't think I could trust anyone like that anymore, because I did open my heart to him and care about him, of course. I couldn't have it any other way.

I've considered embracing casual sex. Even to the point of walking completely away from hoping to find a life partner. My life is fulfilling and driven in so many ways; maybe I could just compartmentalize my happiness. Find sexual pleasure one place or places and find love in my friends and my artistic passions.

I've never really had completely casual sex. Try as I may to wrap my head and my heart around it, the thought of it is basically the equivalent of a cold shower. Which pretty much kills that idea.

So there's really no solution. I feel compelled to honor my heart right now, no matter how frikkin' frustrated it leaves me. No matter how much it makes my heart ache.

I think I've just figured out why I hate the word "abstinence." Because it totally SUCKS.

The Blogosphere Speaks:

How to deal with sexual frustration - a girl's solution. - Milwaukee Girl from Single in the City shares her process.

The single life is good - Freak from The Big Whinger learns that single and sexually frustrated is better than being with the wrong guy. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Clearly.

Nifzeta Chizala from The Voice in my Head blogs on July 14th, 2008 about being really into someone and not knowing what the deal is and not being able to make a move or understand (admit?) why he doesn't.

Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.