BlogHer - What can your choices tell you about what you really want? - Comments

Thanks!

Liz Rizzo — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 09:44:34 -0500

I'm still hoping the risk and the work pays off someday, but even if it doesn't, working towards my goal and staying focused on it really work for me. :)

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Great post, Liz.

Zandria — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 14:17:38 -0500

I've always admired how you made the choice to move to L.A. and pursue your directing career. I think you're doing the right thing for YOU, and that's what matters. :)

Personal blog: Keep Up With Me
BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness

family, babies, and life paths

Liz Rizzo — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 09:55:10 -0500

Laurie - I'm so looking forward to your reactions to the panel. The discussion was all so new to me, and you are so right, I was so conscious of the difficulty presenting by how many different ways there were to have come to that room.

Lizzie - "The doctor said that the desire to be a mother is stronger even then the desire to be part of a couple for most women, and that it's completely a physical thing, because every month your body sends a signal to your brain to get ready to be pregnant." That's the kind of thing I have a difficult time believing, you know? Because it comes from the place that women "naturally" want babies, and the other side of the coin is that men don't have that drive. The whole construct makes me suspicious. But it's always good to find the things that make sense to and work for you.

Mommalittle - It is always interesting to meet women for whom children and family are the whole world to the extent that they don't have interest in anything else or any other type of women. Personally, I'm just as interested in mothers as any other woman. I think that's part of makes me a blogger; I'm just fascinated by people's choices and interactions of all kinds.

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Glad You Ladies are Posting This

mommalittle.com — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 09:22:43 -0500

While I took the opposite route as you girls, was married at 23 and first baby at 24, I'm glad you are posting stuff like this. I think it is so interesting how small town America perceive this.

My dearest, oldest friend has followed the same life path as this. She has necessarily ruled marriage and kids out, but she isn't actively pursuing this. On the other hand, she has a great home, a great career and enjoys carefree travel. However, anytime we meet at "home," it never fails that run into some old hen who starts with the same question,

Are you married?

Do you have kids?

As soon as she answers no, they lose immediate interest. I think this is crazy since her life is so much more exciting than mine. I forwarded this article to her. I think it will make her smile.

Come share a laugh!

http://mommalittle.com

My first thought

LizzieH — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 12:04:43 -0500

I don't think freezing eggs is crazy, no, and even if I did, obviously the women who choose to pursue it don't think so. The desire to be a mother is powerful - just watching the lengths that women go to to overcome fertility problems shows just how much. I don't see why it wouldn't be a legitimate choice for someone who is financially and emotionally prepared to be a single parent.

My first thought when I read Vered's comment about the egg freezing was "if she's THAT sure she wants a baby, why not do it now?" But that's just me, I am not the type who waits to have my ducks in a row, I'm more likely to think that if I start taking actions to make something that I want happen, the ducks will line up on their own because they won't have a choice! A friend's mother says that if everyone waited to have children until they were really ready, there would be no babies born at all.

Earlier this year when I was trying to decide if I was really going to move foreward with becoming a single mother, and then doing a ton of research on how to make it happen (ultimately deciding on adoption rather than trying to get pregnant myself with donor sperm), I read a book that had an interesting quote from a doctor. The doctor said that the desire to be a mother is stronger even then the desire to be part of a couple for most women, and that it's completely a physical thing, because every month your body sends a signal to your brain to get ready to be pregnant. I had never felt a "biological clock" ticking the way a lot of women describe it, but this explanation made sense to me because of the gradual way I came to my own realization that I did in fact want to have kids.

It's been so interesting to read where other women are at when it comes to making this choice! And Laurie, I do have to admit to wanting to give you advice ("don't worry about fertility, you can always adopt")!

--Liz

I blog about creating a life worth living at: www.inventingmylife.blogspot.com

Nah, don't wish I were a man...

lauriewrites — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 11:38:03 -0500

I'm sure I'd have some other, spectacular manly sort of problem if so.

I don't think freezing eggs is crazy, no, and even if I did, obviously the women who choose to pursue it don't think so. The desire to be a mother is powerful - just watching the lengths that women go to to overcome fertility problems shows just how much. I don't see why it wouldn't be a legitimate choice for someone who is financially and emotionally prepared to be a single parent.

I shared on the panel that other people are often very free to give advice on how I might solve my "problem" of not having kids on my own, and egg freezing is thrown out there frequently. I'm not in the right place for it or any other solo chidbearing/raising activity, but file away the unsolicited advice for future reference. : )

Laurie

LaurieWrites

I was glad you were at the panel, Liz

lauriewrites — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 11:23:22 -0500

I have a reaction to my experience being on it and listening to everyone else, but I'm not sure I'm ready to write about it. Everyone's individual and very personal reactions to it make it such a complex issue.

Obviously as a person who would very much like a family but at 37 hasn't had one, I relate to muh of what you say. And while I do believe that in many (most?) cases the right things come along for us when we're living good and purposeful lives, I also think that I need to look at how my choices have and have not led me to what I SAY I truly desire. And then, I guess, the hard part - how to adjust what I'm doing accordingly.

Thanks again...good conversations to be having, in any case.

Laurie

LaurieWrites

Thoughtful responses on making choices

Liz Rizzo — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 10:00:15 -0500

These were such great, thoughtful comments, I hope you don't mind that I waited to answer them until I could give them my full attention.

LizzieH - I'm so glad you're not with that guy! I definitely believe "better alone than with the wrong guy." And, you know, that could totally expand to "better no children than children with the wrong guy." I've never thought about it that way, but it's totally what I believe. Good luck with your adoption, how wonderful!

Jenn - Thanks so much for the great links. Yes, I figure when menopause hits, then it's clearly decided one way or another. And I will continue to own the choices that led me to that point, whether there's a child there or not. BTW, my undergrad degree was in economics. :)

Vered - I'm so glad to have met you at BlogHer! It's an interesting point about men not being faced with "the biological clock." I think it's actually a disservice to men, because while they can indeed become fathers as they age, it does become less likely and more difficult similar to how it does to women. Plus, I think that some men are often more surprised by ending up childless exactly because nothing was making them think about it.

I think that if that woman felt strongly enough to extract and freeze her eggs - which I hear is quite a process! - than I respect that decision. If I was at that point, though, I think I would just go for the insemination now and have the kid. But maybe she's figuring she needs a couple more years to prepare her life and then she's going to inseminate or pay a surrogate.

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

But don't you sometimes wish you were a man?

Vered — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 15:40:07 -0500

I really enjoyed reading this post. Your recent posts are more profound and interesting than ever.

I have a few friends in their late thirties, and whether they acknowledge it consciously or not, the issue is there. So yes, you made - make - your choices and I applaud you for doing what's right for you. But sometimes I watch my friends struggle and I get really upset that men don't have to face this issue. Yes, their sperm count - and quality - go down in their forties and fifties - but they can still become fathers.

I try to avoid magazines, but I was on a LONG flight recently and read a magazine article about a single woman in her late thirties who froze her eggs, just in case. Freezing eggs is costly and complicated, yet she chose to take out a loan (or pay with a low-interest credit card) and do it. Obviously, you wouldn't go that route, since kids are not something that you actively WANT, but I am curious to know - what do you think when you hear about someone doing something like this? Do you think it's crazy, or is it a legitimate choice for someone who knows she wants kids?

Vered DeLeeuw

http://momgrind.com/

Couldn't agree more

smartchica47 — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 12:10:52 -0500

Most economists work on the assumption that people make choices for a reason, whether those choices are deliberate or not. So we see choices as a reflection of people's values and I always feel like I can learn a lot about a person by carefully observing the choices they make.

About the kids thing specifically, I feel exactly the same way you do! I don't really believe any woman gets to her late thirties without at least considering whether she wants kids but that doesn't necessarily mean you always come to some definitive answer. I actually feel similarly about marriage - at least at this point in my life, I feel like if it happens, great, but it isn't something I'm actively pursuing. But the biological issue with kids gives it a sense of urgency because if you decide you do want kids, you need to decide that before a certain time (assuming you want them the old-fashioned way). I've blogged a few times about the kid decision at quirkyeconomist, and blogger Beth has a great blog called Have Childen or Not? - for anyone still struggling with the question, I'd encourage you to check her out.

Jenn

http://quirkyeconomist.blogspot.com

http://economicsforteachers.blogspot.com

We seem to have a lot in common

LizzieH — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 11:19:30 -0500

We seem to have a lot in common, aside from just our names! I also called off a wedding two years ago, when I was 38. I discovered that he was an alcoholic (and later learned he was also addicted to painkillers), and chose not to marry him. He is not in my life at all anymore. I know there are other people who might have chosen differently, and everyone has to make their own choices; this was the right choice for me at that time. I also remind myself when I start singing a sad song about being single that I could be married right now if that is what I really wanted!

I spent most of my twenties and thirties choosing not to have children, and thinking that was always going to be my choice, but when I was pulling myself together again after the breakup and thinking about what I wanted the rest of my life to look like, I realized that it was time to make a different choice. Now I am in the process of adopting a child from Ethiopia. It's huge and scary and owerwhelming at times, but I know in my heart that this is the right choice for me to make right now.

I love the image of the train headlight, it is so true!

--Liz

I blog about creating a life worth living at: www.inventingmylife.blogspot.com

What can your choices tell you about what you really want?

Liz Rizzo — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 09:45:46 -0500

One of the sessions I attended at BlogHer this year that was somewhat personally challenging to me was "Who We Are: Women Without Children and the Blogosphere." I'm not someone who comes in contact with or thinks about children very often in my daily life.

But, I am 37 and I am a woman and I don't have children, so the question comes up. You can't really escape it. As women, there's this weirdness in the zeitgeist about us and children (vs. men and children), and I don't know about you, but I began to feel the need to have an answer - for myself and for others.

So when I moved to L.A. at age 30 and comprehended the long, difficult career path ahead of me, I thought about it. And what I decided was this: Should my life take a turn that leads me to have a child, then that will be a blessing, but children - to me - aren't something I pursue as a want. Rather, children are something I stay open to the possibility of. I feel like my choices in life speak to my true desires.

I brought this up in the session in response to a 30-something woman who was struggling with the children question - How do you know if you want them or not, and don't you have to decide? I wasn't sure if what I said would make sense or help. Denise twittered me, "But at some point you really are faced with the do I or don't I - and isn't that what she is struggling with?" (Which I didn't get the tweet until I got home because my portable tech is sad. 2001 laptop no tweet.)

Well, I don't know if I ever *will* feel like I am faced with "do I or don't I." Or put another way, I think I decide, and have been deciding, that question everyday with my choices and prioritization even when I wasn't thinking about it specifically.

I called off a wedding when I was 26 because I wanted something different. I chose to go to and borrow tons of money for graduate film school and move to L.A. I've chosen to pursue and will continue to pursue one of the most difficult to obtain careers (television directing).

These are not the choices of someone prioritizing or pursuing children. And they are also not the choices of someone who was thinking she'd get to it later, although the jury's still out - I'm fully aware that life loves to surprise us.

The thing is, I've always felt that if what I really wanted was be married and/or have children - over and above all other considerations - Well, barring health complications that's exactly what I would have done. I could have gotten married. I could have had kids then. Instead I called off my wedding and went to graduate school. And that's a major life choice that I own every day, baby.

Or, at least I will when I pay off my student loan at age 52.

What I'm trying to say is, whenever I do feel like I don't know what I want in life, I look back at my choices to see how they've led me to where I am and what they might be telling me. There's two sides to this.

You might look over your choices and realize you're going the wrong way - like when I called off my wedding. Or you might look over your choices and realize that it is the pursuit of what you truly desire that finds you where you are today.

Well, OK then. As I said in the panel, I work really hard to make the best choices for me every day, and then I have faith that where those choices lead me is a good place for me. Certainly I feel better and more sure of myself today than I did ten years ago. I've come a long way, and I'm still going. Somewhere.

And when I don't know what I want next year, or in a few years, or for the rest of my life, I think, well, what do I want right now? This week, this month, this quarter. What's ahead of me to do and what's the best choice from that? I take those choices and move forward from there.

Here's a smaller example: My upcoming weekend. I have a lot of work to do this weekend, but after the breakup I decided I needed to make a commitment to some of the regular fun friend things I do occasionally, and to seeing and spending time with the people in my life who I most value. Los Angeles can be a lot about meeting new people, new people, new people.

So this weekend I'm meeting a couple friends to knit for a couple hours, and I'm also boardgaming. In between those two things, it's work, work, work... And suddenly I realized that I'd scheduled myself out of attending a party where I would have reconnected with an old colleague and met a lot of new people - including, potentially, new men. "Potentials." And regardless, it would have been fun to meet new people.

When I'd received the invitation, I was more than a little pleased and also a little nervous. But my weekend prioritization cut out attending the party.

I may think and think and think about trying more casual sex. I know that I'm ready to date again. But for now at least, I don't really *want* to kiss or have sex with someone I'm not romantically into, and I'm so over cold dating.

I can think and think and think about what I want, but at the end of the day, sometimes my actions tell me loud and clear.

The blogosphere speaks:

Lesson Plans - Love this thoughtful post from Andrea at A Garden of Nna Mmoy about learning to be different in relationships.

How to See if He's the One - Interesting, she's got like a relationship how-to blog going here.

Thoughts on career and life decisions - Love this post from Journey to Jordan, and I'll leave you with this, which I certainly believe applies to more than just career:

The more I explore the career paths available to me, the more I see that it’s like the train at night with the headlights that can only see 100 yards into the darkness. You don’t see the whole path when you set out on it, but as you move along, step by step you see what lies immediately in front of you and can act accordingly. Each new step gives you a new view and a number of options, and you arrive at the next step based on what decision you make. Even though you don’t know the final destination when you start out, you figure it out as you follow what you’re most interested in. The key is just to throw yourself in and take the little steps as they come. If you stand around and wait until you see the big picture, you’re not going to go anywhere.

Maybe.

Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.