BlogHer - The Season of Our Discontent or Life with the "N" Word - Comments

You're right, Alyssa and I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Nordette — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 19:14:17 -0500

First, do you know about David Edlestein? He's a professional movie critic who also did not like The Dark Night and who found his inbox flooded with hate mail for speaking his mind. He didn't let that stop him from saying what he thought. He wrote a public response called The Dark Night of My Soul and near the end had this message:

*Note to readers: You blunt the force of your attack when you write to
an author to say, “No one cares what you think” — because, uh, at least
one person does.

So, he didn't back down from his review. However, I don't think he got anything as horrifying as the message sent to you, and I doubt he's had an experience that would make the threat of rape doubly threatening, the experience of a gang rape. (I have a friend and the daughter of a friend who've experienced this most horrific type of attack.)

You look at the world in way very similar to the way I look at it. When something tragic or possibly crippling happens I wonder what should I learn from this? It's good that you're so introspective, but what's up with these people sending hate mail? I wonder do they have consciences. It seems that the people who most need to see themselves and the pain they cause refuse to look in their souls' mirrors.

You're so right. There are some things that simply should not be said to anyone under any circumstances. Threatening to rape a woman is one of those.

You are a strong woman, Alyssa, and that's what counts most. Some people joke that what doesn't kill us makes it easier for the next thing to do so. But you're a testament to the intent of the original saying, that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

Nordette is a Contributing Editor with BlogHer.com whose personal blog is hosted on another site at this link.

That's Horrific

Megan Smith — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 09:28:50 -0500

Hi Alyssa,

I tell ya', I despair of the human race sometimes when I hear stuff like this. I don't think I'd have nearly the courage you do to leave those vile comments up.

Just know you have support from this fellow blogger.

Megan Smith
BlogHer Contributing Editor, TV/YouTube
Megan's Minute: Quirky Commentary Around The Clock

Alyssa, I CANNOT believe

Laracolvin — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 09:23:29 -0500

Alyssa, I CANNOT believe anyone (much less 200 anyones) would send you hate mail like that. But in the past few weeks, I've seen more blog "hate" than I've ever noticed before. That is another post in itself.

But, you continue to impress me. I think I would have had to cower for a bit longer than a day to unshake the terror those words must have caused. And then for you to turn them around and apply them to this discussion is brilliant! And gutsy. I'm sorry I can't leave a comment on your blog and that you had to close comments altogether. But know this: this blogger supports you - and thanks you for coming back to this conversation again and again with something new to add. I'm sure we can all agree this safe space is pretty special.

Lara

Notions of Identity

Irony is a Wicked B*&#@H

alyssaroyse — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 19:01:25 -0500

Bare with me here..... I just got out of the tub. Hot water and herbal tea intended to calm my nerves. I was shaken. I had received an email that said, "I'm glad I know you live in Seattle so that I can find you and rape you." Now, to be fair, this was one of about 200 comments on my blog and about 100 or so emails into my gmail account, all of which called me names and who's insults ran the gamut from insulting my intelligence, suggesting i get back in the kitchen and make babies, should get AIDS and die slowly, and my personal favorite, should be shot and raped.

What did I do? I didn't like the most recent Batman movie.

The reason that this all made me think of this N Word post while I was in the tub is that I am a rape survivor. I speak about it often, it's part of who I am. So when some idiot posts anonymous comments on my blog stating that I should be raped, I have a very particular response. "How can you say that so casually?" "How can you take this attribute of my past and use it against me?"

I know that he is not going to track me down and rape me. Seriously. But taking something SO HURTFUL and so casually throwing it around is unfathomable to me.

I wondered if that is anything at all like having the N Word hurled at someone who knows that somewhere in their psyche that word was used to hurt people. And now it's being thrown around so casually.

And the impact? I'm a seriously strong chick. I have remained standing through tougher storms than this one, and there has not been a shitpile of lemons thrown at me that I couldn't turn into lemonade, pie, upside down cake and a nice Vitamin C complexion mask. But this torrent of menacing comments has knocked me down flat for the day.

Is this really what we want people to feel like? Is this really the energy we want thrown around?

I'd ask you to comment on my blog to support me, but I closed the comments. I have had all I can take. But I did leave the vitriol up there for the world to see. And we can talk about here on BlogHer where it's safe to do so.

I'm going for a walk in the sun. This stuff just can't stay in the anonymous darkness.

____________

Alyssa Royse

Just Cause It: A Web Site To Save The World

Start Her Up: A Blog for Women Entrepreneurs (where the original post is.)

Thank you

cutiebootycakes — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 02:50:22 -0500

Thank you for elucidating on this topic. I was impressed by the comparison to the word redneck. The author of a blog I read the other day wrote about being a Georgia Peach and showed a video of her people. Her people were attending the annual Redneck Fest. What blew my mind about the video is that it was a clip from our local news. The confederate flag was waving in the air for all to see. The people attending the festival had embraced the word redneck and exemplified the stereotypes associated with the word.

My comment to her post was about thinking that with all of the confederate flags flying that probably was not a place that I ever needed to be. Just as there are negative connotations associated with the "N" word and redneck that confederate flag really got to me. What I really wanted to say was that I wouldn't be caught after dark in the part of the state at anytime, and absolutely not during this celebration. That crew claimed redneck similarly to some black folk claim the *N* word, not in mixed company but in mixed media.

This is a clear example of turning what was once lemons into lemonade which is what most people try to do. I am not here to argue that some people should be able to use the N word and others can't because in my humble opinion no one should use that word. Or B***h for that matter.

As a mother raising a black son it is my and his father's responsibility to educate him and help him to understand why it is inappropriate to use this word. Will he hear it from other members of our family? Maybe. As a child I heard it but understand the negative connotations and never used it.

I want to thank you for opening up his dialogue I think it is high time for all of us to face our personal prejudices/racism/etc.

I apologize if this is rambling (it is early in the morning) but ultimately my point is to say thank you. You have given many people food for thought.

And I want to end by encouraging people to watch POV's "Talking Back: Traces of the Trade" it explores the filmmakers experience exploring her family's history of being former slave owners. She and a group of nine other family members document their travel to Africa and Cuba and their reactions as well as the reactions of others to the trip.

Renée

www.cutiebootycakes.blogspot.com

Preaching to the choir, Iva

Nordette — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 01:17:44 -0500

You're so right, we base our opinions on our experiences and our experiences only unless we attempt to stand in someone else's shoes and share experiences or at least take a walk outside our own neightborhoods. I recall a school board member who told another school board member who wanted the board to reject a study of the town's growth (or lack thereof) based on what he'd personally observed to be more children living in the town. The first member told the other one, "You think you know this town, but you don't. All you know is the part of your street you see from your front window."

I think the man was insulted at first, but then he had to acknowledge the statement was true.

I definitely agree with you on parental responsibility. If we as parents fall into blaming our children's behavior on what other people say and do, then we've already lost the battle for our children's futures.

Nordette is a Contributing Editor with BlogHer.com whose personal blog is hosted on another site at this link.

Glad you're back

Nordette — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 01:06:47 -0500

Alyssa, the last thing I would want to do is frighten away someone who honestly wants to raise children to make this world better for all people and who will take the time to listen because we need more listening on all sides of this issue.

For instance, I am as dismayed over the recent rap song referring to Hillary as a "b*tch" as I am over people using the "n" word and wonder if the artist behind the lyrics has been hiding under a rock. How can you say you want change for the better but then revert to old nasty habits? That's what I'd like to ask him.

Sometimes when I respond to comments I respond as though I'm speaking not to the person who asked the question or made the comment but to a larger group and my energy gets the better of me. So, I forget that the the person I responded to may think I'm talking about him/her specifically. I'll work on that.

Glad to see you back, and I'm sorry you had a rough day. It happens to the best of us.

Nordette is a Contributing Editor with BlogHer.com whose personal blog is hosted on another site at this link.

Anger and the N Word

alyssaroyse — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 11:42:25 -0500

I've resisted even coming to BlogHer for a few days, waiting for the emotional firestorm to pass. Mostly inside of me. So no, Nordette, I'm not leaving the discussion, the issue or you. :)

I am, however, going to resist going through and reading everything again and just share some lingering impressions, because at the end of the day, lingering impressions are what fuel our continued strife, racism and confusion in general.

In your original post you said something about being called "angry." (And that you weren't angry, but rather, you were frustrated.) I venture to guess we're all frustrated. But sometimes in those emotionally charged states, our frustration sounds angry, and accusatory. And while I don't think there's anything wrong with that, we do have to acknowledge that it changes the way our arguments are heard. I felt very on the defensive because when i genuinely asked "what's up with people using this word?" you compared me to that Elizabeth chick. (I'm too lazy to go look up her last name.) You made an assumption - or it felt like it - that I was just like her. Someone who you had just called whiney and some other name. I was just another white woman sniveling about something I couldn't possibly understand. Ironic, since what I was saying was that I am a white woman, and I want to try and understand.

Now, I think I know enough about you that you didn't necessarily mean that.... but that's what comes across.

So how do we - all of us who have really legit grievances and confusions and desire for dialog about causes that matter to us - express our passion in a way that doesn't put others on the defensive? My response to your response (to my response) was admittedly lazy and emotional - to just walk away. But my god, we can't all keep doing that around important issues. We can't walk away. And we can't push others away.

As I said on the panel I spoke on at BlogHer 08, pretty much anything i've ever written has come from a place of anger and frustration, but i try to take that, simmer it down to something else and put it out to the world in a way that invites positive dialog. Because those places of justifiable anger, fear & confusion are the very places that we - as a society - have the greatest opportunity for growth.

As I said, I've never used the word nigger in my life, until this post. I find it vile. You find it vile. I raise my child to treat the world and the people in it with compassion and openness. As do you. But I am genuinely puzzled by the use of the word nigger in popular culture, especially black pop media - that is consumed not only by black people but also white people. I am totally confused by it and really wish we could have a peaceful dialog about the far reaching impact of its use. I am a white woman, who is genuinely confused. I'm not asking why it's being used so that i can protect the right for white people to use it. And I'm not whiney either, or weak, or "racist" or anything else. I'm just frustrated, just like you.

And don't want to be part of any dialog that uses language that is belittling and mean to others. Whether it's the "N" word or calling those who are asking questions, "whiney." It just isn't constructive. It makes me want to walk away, and I think that I am not alone, and that might be part of the problem.

We simply need to find a way to discuss incredibly painful and charged issues in a way that uses no name-calling of any sort. We need to look at the future and say "how do we get there?" I don't know how we get there, but i do know that we can only get there TOGETHER.

So I really apologize for walking away. It was the wrong response. And it wasn't what I wanted.

(I just had a really shitty day that day!)

____________

Alyssa Royse

Just Cause It: A Web Site To Save The World

Start Her Up: A Blog for Women Entrepreneurs

Off The Rocks: A Marriage Facing Alcoholism

On What Experience Do You Base Your Comments?

n2ative1 — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 04:11:36 -0500

There is so much to address here that I hardly know where to begin. Oh wait! I know! Let me begin with my pet peeves. I’m overdue for a good rant so I’m going to and I’ll be edgy and hard core, so prepare yourself to be offended, if you are of a mind to.

First, I want to address the tears and whining. In my opinion, people who cry when the topic gets intense have been sheltered. They are clueless to the issues of the world. They believe that sweetness and light can cure the moral-less masses and the world will be a better place. Their parents protected and sheltered their genteel sensitivities from anger, distress, pain and any other thing that would make them cry. They have never had to deal. Now, understanding that they may have never endured hardship, how can I take the “why can’t we all just get along” bravado seriously? Along those same lines, if you get defensive without having been accused of how you may or may not have behaved or profess to never have said or done any of the derogatory things you’ve chosen to comment on, what are you hiding or hiding behind?

Here is an example of what I mean. A few years back a white female friend of mine projected the aura of embracing all races and believed in her heart that she couldn’t possibly be racist. That was her thought process until her brother who performed in a rock band began dating the lead singer—a black woman. Of course, there were tears when some of us—her black friends—heard her say, “Oh my God! He can’t date her!” We asked why and the floodgates opened. Were we persecuting her? No, but she sure felt we were. Did we ask her angrily? No, just wanted to hear her perspective on why it wasn’t OK for her brother to date outside his race. I believe the tears were the result of not being able to articulate why she didn’t want her brother dating a black woman. Perhaps it would have sounded racist if she said it out loud. Also, it was likely quite painful to look inside herself and see the ugly opinion she had formed and the realization of why she felt that way was probably even more painful.

I may have pissed everyone off with my edgy opinion, but please understand that my perspective is different because of my experiences just like all the other opinions within this blog topic and subsequent commentary. I grew up in the South and I’ve heard the word “negro” slurred into what many Southern whites believed was an acceptable alternative. The word is “NIG-ra.” Please spare me. I didn’t fall for it then and I don’t want any form of the derogatory “n” word used in my direction now. At the same time, I grew up hearing the “n” word within my “family” all the time. The word was only used infrequently in its derogatory form. Usually it was aimed at someone who was “acting a fool.” Most often it was good-natured ribbing or used in jest. Sometimes, it was a greeting. Either way, it was not intended for white consumption. For a group of people within an ethnicity to adopt language intended only for them isn’t a new concept. HELLO! So, the need to debate over whether it is a bad thing for black people to use the “n” word escapes me.

Now, on to my second pet peeve. When did parents start letting their kids do something because everyone else was doing it? How many times did I use that excuse to get my way and my dearly departed father said to me, “If everybody else was jumping off a bridge, would you want to do that, too?” At the time, I vowed I’d never use that phrase on my own children and I kept that vow, but only because I developed my own version of it. My sons got to hear, “Good, everybody else is doing it so that means you get to be different because you won’t be.” I tried to see down the road and my goal was to teach them about life and how to survive in the cold, cruel world. Delaying gratification is the toughest lesson many humans have to learn. You can’t always get what you want (thank you Mick Jagger). They had to earn and pay for half of the Nintendo and we matched their effort. They had to buy their own cars. Not because we couldn’t buy them but because it was my job to teach them the value of a dollar. They did not have phones and televisions and all the latest gadgets in their bedroom until they had earned the right. Why? Because I wanted my kids to learn to be alone with their own thoughts instead of some of the mindless young people I see who can’t survive without external stimulation. I see cell phones, I-Pods and all manner of wires hanging from their heads because parents were too busy making money and chasing their dreams to raise their kids.

I believe this is much of the reason why young white people have resorted to inventive games involving racist connotations like “black face” and the like. They are bored.

Now, don’t criticize my use of the word ni@@er unless you a) hear me say it in mixed company and b) have walked a mile in my ethnically-polished shoes. Do some homework. Get around some black people (if you ain’t scared to get none on ya) and apply a little effort to understand why it’s OK for us to say it, but certainly not OK for you.

Visit my work at: www.authorsden.com/ivalawson

I May Just Need To Print This Response

Megan Smith — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 19:49:30 -0500

Hi Nordette,

I don't have children, and at this rate, I might never have any, but I couldn't help being incredibly moved by this lovely, thoughtful and extremely useful response that you wrote for Amelia.

If I did have children, I know I would be bringing them up the same way you've described here and short of the usual things in life that can happen that derail our best laid plans, I know these firm, yet loving rules would result in some amazing adults. People I would be honored to call my children.

Megan Smith
BlogHer Contributing Editor, TV/YouTube
Megan's Minute: Quirky Commentary Around The Clock

Thank you, Julie

Nordette — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 19:21:09 -0500

It's always good to hear that someone picked up the details of what we've said and understood it.

BTW, I dropped by MotherGooseMouse. I really enjoyed your don't drink, don't smoke post, and I also like the graphic you use for your banner.

Nordette is a Contributing Editor with BlogHer.com whose personal blog is hosted on another site at this link.

Love this kind of info

Nordette — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 19:13:59 -0500

Thank you, Jill. I'll keep my eye on the look-out for further documenation because the story is a testament to creative human coping mechanisms and also reminds of us of the shame of antimsemetism. We need these stories so we don't repeat our ugliness and also so we may learn how to face our trials.

Nordette is a Contributing Editor with BlogHer.com whose personal blog is hosted on another site at this link.

Hadn't heard of kill "whitey" parties

Nordette — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 19:07:44 -0500

That's pretty sick, Laina.

There was an article about this in the NYT or New York Post and I
remember one of the organizers saying that he didn't think it was
offensive because "I have black friends."

But oh, look! It's the old some of my best friends are black excuse. White kids calling themselves "whitey" in a game. Hmm.

Spoken word artist and activist Talaam Acey uses the "n" word a lot in his piece "Market for N*gg*z" but he uses it to show what a sell out someone like a Spank Rock would be and also to speak out against misogynystic lyrics and other ugly uses of language. Probably, Acey's piece is an example of using the word to make an artistic point, which is why, as a writer, I don't think we'll be able to ban the word but maybe through education we can smother it.

Nordette is a Contributing Editor with BlogHer.com whose personal blog is hosted on another site at this link.

Don't worry

Nordette — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 19:04:04 -0500

Thank you, Amelia. I can understand what you mean. Actually, as a black mother I've gone through some of the same issues. Nevetheless, neither of my children use the "n" word. They know not to use any type of profanity in my presence, and my son, a teen, will sometimes test to see if I'm more lenient because he's older and may tell me what he told someone else that involved language I've asked him to not use. I stand my ground when I hear these stories, not with any railing about it, just a gentle "You know better." He knows I disapprove of foul langauge and name calling of any type and that won't change.

I'm no angel. I've got a few four-letter words up my sleeve, but I don't use them around my children and really work hard to rid myself of that bad habit. The "n" word, however, is one I don't use ever.

My son doesn't dress in pants falling down beneath his behind. My daughter did not follow the crowd either. I will tell you that at his school in NJ, other guys thought he was cool. Maybe not the ones who worship rappers, but most respected him for not behaving like everyone else.

Part of my children being as they are can be attributed to their own temperaments with which they were born because I'm no supermom. Furthermore, I was a rebellious child, and if my children were wildly rebellious, I'd consider it my karma. (We must expect a at least some rebellion as it's part of their growing up.)

On the other hand, I recall that my parents were not always consistent in certain messages, and so smarty pants here took that as a reason, an excuse, to not do as they wanted me to do in certain areas of my life. I lived the Samuel Clemens/Mark Twain's saying:

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.

There are still ways in which they would have preferred me to live that really don't work for me and my generation, but I learned that most of what they taught me grew from wisdom and a desire to have me "do the right thing." Most of it was good advice.

All you can do is raise your child to be the best person she can be, to tell her the same things mothers and fathers have been saying to children who want to imitate the crowd for years, "So would you jump off a cliff if everyone else is doing it?" :-) (an old parental standard) And then have some faith.

When our children are young, they tend to do what we say. When they get older they frequently challenge what we say, but one thing we teach them that should help them no matter what happens in this world is to live a noble life, to behave in ways that will make them proud when they look back at their lives. I've tried to make my children understand the consequences of both poor action and inaction, plus the rewards of making better choices. I've encouraged them to practice introspection about their own actions because I don't want them to blame others when they make poor choices. I hope they've been listening.

What you don't have to worry about

One thing I can assure you, that no matter how much your daughter may hear the "n" word, she will not have black kids pressuring her to say it. Instead, they may notice that she doesn't use it, and if she does use it and seems accepted for a time, I also assure you that one day she will cross paths with a black person who will not tolerate it and that person will object rather harshly or they may cross her off a list of people they respect, dismiss her, and she won't know why. If she tends to use offensive language of any type, one day it will cost her something. Let's hope it's not a job or worse. I know you will teach her about consequences for actions and so she'll avoid such drama.

When I observe my son showing behaviors that I know will jeopardize him in the real world, I say, "Let me tell you something. I'm letting you off the hook this time, but the next time I'm going to respond to you the way someone would do who's not your mother. You'll lose friends and jobs with that kind of behavior or that tone of voice." When he crosses the line and ends up losing privileges, he knows why because he's been warned.

For a little girl, you may have to change the words but not the gist of the message.

I confess that I'm a little perplexed by parents who think their chilcren can't resist the "n" word. Unlike drugs, there's not direct peer pressure to say the "n". Nobody's going to corner your child and dare her to use the word for the sake of fititng in with the crowd. Children fall into using the word the same way they fall into using other cuss words. They think it will make them cool and hip. But you'll do her greater justice if you stand your ground and simply don't allow it. As she gets older, you may have to share a history lesson with her and some psych 101 too. For now, it's just not a nice word.

So, to me, teaching a child not to use the "n" word is no different from teaching them other lessons about social accountablity. We don't say it's okay to get poor grades because other children have poor grades. Good parents never agree it's okay to take drugs because other kids do so. And while we suspect our children may have sex sooner than we like, parents rarely give the green light on that if they think a child should wait simply because other kids do it.

It's still a offensive word, so how would you handle it if a child took to using the "f" word in our presence? We wouldn't tolerate that, right? She'll know you've set boundaries and a higher bar for her, and while she may not show it in her youth, one day she'll look back and know that her mom was wise and raised her to do the right thing.

I guarantee you that there are black kids whose parents don't use the "n" word, and while the child may use it sometimes in the presence of friends, they wouldn't dare do so in front of their parents. As a result, I'm fairly sure their children feel a pang or pinch of conscience about using the word when their parents aren't around, and eventually they'll mature and give it up.

There are also children who have learned by example and consistency from their parents to never say it, and so they don't.

Thanks for your thoughts. Being a parent is difficult, but I hope what I said helps.

Now for a laugh, when my daughter was talking more (she started speaking early), we taught her to say "thank you." She's hard of hearing due to an illness when she was two, and so had trouble reproducing certain sounds. When someone would compliment her or give her a gift, at church and elsewhere, she'd look at the person and say in the sweetest voice, "F*ck you."

Now, that's something to raise your hair. She grew out of that, thank goodness.

Nordette is a Contributing Editor with BlogHer.com whose personal blog is hosted on another site at this link.

If I can get my stomach out of knots and figure out how to ask..

ameliasprout — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 14:24:32 -0500

I grew up in a white small town, and I knew black people, but not many. My parents tried to make sure I was raised right to be accepting and not racist.

But my lack of personal experience has left me unsure of how raise my daughter. We made a choice to live in the city, to make sure that growing up she was exposed to all kinds of people. But how, when I can't even go into an American Apparel store without having music played that has the N word in it, when now that she rides the bus with me there are people saying it all the time, how am I supposed to keep her from saying it? She is just starting to talk, she is starting to copy what others say, and here she is surrounded by it.

If she says it, I would fear for our safety, or at the least worry that people would think the wrong thing of me. I hate EH (and refuse to watch the View no matter how much I love Whoopi), but I understand to a certain extent frustration about how to do the right thing. Especially when my exposure to it is a much larger reality than EH's is. I'm not asking for permission to use it, or excuse the behavior of any white person who uses it either. Maybe I'm looking for ideas from other parents, or maybe I don't know what I'm looking for.

I appreciate the community here, and discussing this here because while I'd be happy to talk about sex, and boobs, and a number of other taboo subjects, in person I don't have anyone to discuss it with, and nothing makes me more nervous or anxious than race issues. I can't undo what my ancestors did, but I want to do everything I can do to make it better.

The Season of Our Discontent or Life with the "N" Word

Nordette — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 20:33:24 -0500

Any discusion of the "n" word in mixed company, mingling ethnic groups, gets uncomfortable, maybe even dirty. It'll shake some folks up, maybe burn a few, but if we're lucky, like supernaturally blessed lucky, we might learn something to heal our disease. So, I've set aside the post I'd intended to write about Starbucks closing. Instead I'm picking up a topic that I've told other bloggers privately I won't discuss again until possibly next year, use of the "n" word.

I said wait until next year because you know some drama about the "n" word will blow up again. It's become a fixture in our lives. Toni Morrison's assertion in Playing in the Dark that the African-American presence, either by appearing fully and positively or only as troublesome allusion, permeates American Literature may also be applied to the fabric of this nation. The blood-stained thread weaves through each patch, a pleasing splash of color or embarrasing stain.

First, Laina, thank you for taking on this complex subject. Laina is a BlogHer contributing editor who wrote about America's most recent dust-up over the "n" word, the Whoopi Goldberg/Elisabeth Hasselbeck drama. She's done an exceptional job. I like her pithtiness and how she also drew into the post the Jesse Jackson/Obama mess, a topic that reminds us just how much race has been in our faces this election year. Laina also had the following observation that made me laugh.

Plus, why are white folks so eager to say the N-word in public? It's like y'all chomping at the bit. Good luck with that. (Laina's post)

My problem with the "why can't we white people also use the "n" word because black people say it all the time" justification and then someone like Elisabeth Hasselbeck crying on The View over what, oh what will she teach her children if black people keep calling each other "n****r" is that the argument is bullsh*t. It's like most justifications that come from people who don't want to address a difficult issue honestly; it oversimplifies the subject, "white washes" it so to speak, just to let folks who are too lazy to walk in someone else's shoes off the hook for taking high road.

Really, how dare Hasselbeck make it sound as though black people are at fault for more white people using the "n" word? I'll concede that young white people listening to rap music have been stricken stupid by hearing this word so often, but what does that have to do with what Hasselbeck teaches her children about treating people with respect?

I know I'm treading a slippery slope here and certainly risk being called "an angry black woman," but that's okay. I'll be in good company with Laina and Michelle Obama. We have a tendency in this country to chide people for expressing anger about subjects that any fool knows should make a person angry. When feminists, for instance, passionately speak about the inequality of women, what's the common adjective tossed their way? Hmm, she sure sounds bitter. You may also hear some further discussion about it being her time of the month, or raging hormones from menopause. When black women speak of racial injustice, then it's "they're angry" and also, "You know how emotional those people are. They just don't know how to be rational."

I'm not angry. I'm frustrated.

I'm not so much frustrated by the racist policies and practices that affect African-Americans everyday. I was born into that. It's something you don't get over, but you do learn to adjust. You develop coping mechanisms such as practicing love instead of endulging meltdowns, and you live your life hoping the world will become what it should be. If you're not totally beaten down by the time you bear children, then you embrace the wonders of your heritage, ignore the hateful, and teach your children to behave as people would in a better world.

I am not angry but I am frustrated by people behaving as though they don't understand how some black people may use the word "n****r" sometimes and yet be incensed by people of other races using it. Frankly, this pretense of incomprehension is another form of racist propaganda, this view that black people are so foreign to white people and hard to understand when it comes to the "n" word. Any thoughtful person who takes time for introspection and observation knows that when black people use the "n" word they're exhibiting a common type of human behavior. What complicates the discussion and how we use language and the "n" word is the history of black people in this country, not that black people use it.

Part of the problem may be that some white people deny how much power they've enjoyed in this world, do not wish to consciously grasp the value of having white skin in a society that has historically favored white skin. I can understand how that happens. It's hard to see yourself as powerful when you're struggling to make rent yourself just like the black woman next door. It's hard for some people to put themselves as individuals within the context of centuries of history. So, they tell themselves that if there are any benefits to being white, they personally have not experienced it and so, therefore, have not benefited no matter what Andrew Hacker and those hoity-toity academics think.

Yet, I can't think of a nasty name for white people that non-white people may use that is as ugly as the "n" word. Is this because no matter what nasty name you call a white person (not that I spend time calling white people nasty names) it's understood that they are still "white," and so, have the upper hand?

Consider a joke that got a good laugh the first time African-American comedian Louis Ramey told it on Last Comic Standing. He said that he likes to play practical jokes. He likes to go to tanning salons: "Oh, I don't go in. I just stand outside and do this." Ramey holds his black arms and hands in front of him, widens his eyes, and then screams in terror. "Waaaaaahhhhhh!"

It's understood -- a little color is a good thing. Getting dark enough to be mistaken for a black person is quite another. We may agree that African-Americans have made great strides in this country. Look at this election season alone and the Obamas. But we also know, if we're honest, that for the average black person, life ain't no crystal stair to success. The Obamas, the Oprahs, the Tiger Woodses are exceptions not the rule. Yet, that they exist is a testament not only to their brilliance and perseverance but also to racial progress. When I was a child, there were no Oprahs and being like Obama could've been a death sentence for a black man in some states. (This is where I recommend the curious take a look at CNN's "Black in America" special.)

When I speak of a racial insult that someone could hurl at a white person, I'm talking about a mean word one group ascribes to members of another group no matter the content of a person's character or level of achievement. I'm not talking about personal insults. I've heard whitey, honky, cracker, peckerwood as insults to white people. However, none of these words will start a fight like the word "nigger."

Nevertheless, there is one word that I've always understood to be highly insulting to a white person and that is the word "redneck." The word "redneck" implies in one breath that a person is stupid, uneducated, possibly toothless and dirty, and "poor white trash" (a truly horrible phrase). Yet, whites who are most likely to come from a family background that the uncivil would call "redneck" call each other "redneck" in jest. They apply a pejorative to themselves the same way some black people use the "n" word .

An entire industry has arisen with branding of the word "redneck." Think Jeff Foxworthy and Blue Collar Comedy.

If the UFO hotline limits you to one call per day you might be a redneck. If directions to your house include turn off the paved road, you might be a redneck. If you prefer to walk the excess length of your jeans instead of hem them, you might be a redneck. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and flashlight, you might be a redneck. ... If your two-year-old has more teeth than you, you might be a redneck. ... If your mother has ever has come out of the bathroom and said 'Y'all come look at this before I flush it,' you might be a redneck. If your dad walks you to school because he's in the same grade with you, you might be a redneck." (Jeff Foxworthy)

Many people who say they're rednecks and proud of it howl with laughter at Foxworthy's routine. But where does the humor come from? I suspect it comes from a place of pain, the same way Richard Pryor's comedy, and he used the "n" word often, sometimes came from a place of pain. So, some poor whites have taken the word "redneck," embraced it, and taken away its sting, which is the defense Whoopi gave Elisabeth for using the "n" word (a defense not all blacks share).

Within the embrace-the-n-word defense is the rationale that whites may not use the "n" word because whites, while they may have their own experiences with pain, cannot experience the pain that comes from being black in America. Indeed, the argument goes, whites created the environment in which black pain fermented. And yes, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, white people also coined the "n" word and cultivated it in world culture long before black rappers went overboard with it and other black artists addressed the shame, pointing out that most consumers of rap music are white young men.

If anything, the history of the use of the "n" word points to whites mishandling language and black slaves, who could have been beaten for reading books, adopting their masters' bad habits. The word is a mispronunciation of the word "negro." Furthermore, when you consider how segregationists used even the word, "negro," you realize insult comes through intent with tone. You may have heard someone, for instance, refer to an African-American woman as that "black" girl, and you knew that the acknowlegment that the woman is black was in itself the insult in the person's mind.

Some Americans show that they believe the word black itself may be the insult when in an effort to be politically correct are afraid to describe an African-American as "black." Somewhere in their hearts these PC people sense that black, being the opposite of white and all things perceived as good in this society, may be the bad thing.

Mexicans experience this phenomena today as some people have associated distastefulness with the word "Mexican." When they say "Mexican" they could as easily be saying "wetback" because the tone of voice suggests disgust.

Likewise, I have heard people use the word "negro," which is not thought of as a pejorative, with a seething hatred for all things black. They say the word "negro" with the same venom another person says "nigger." And then there's simply a way of saying either word that no one can fathom:

My decision (to not use the "n" word in a book with slave narrations) also derived from my frustration in trying to puzzle out its use as recorded by the subjects’ amanuenses. It is often impossible to determine whether a former slave employed the word in its derogatory sense, or whether as a more neutral variation on the word “Negro.” In fact it is sometimes hard to judge whether they employed it at all, or whether it was introduced by their interviewers and their editors as part of their attempt to render all African-American testimony in “Negro Dialect.”
“The situation is always delicate,” wrote an Arkansas interviewer. “Somehow both interviewer and interviewee avoid the ugly word whenever possible. The skillful interviewer can generally manage to pass it by completely, as well as any variant of the word negro. The informant is usually less squeamish. ‘Black folks,’ ‘colored folks,’ ‘black people,’ ‘Master's people,’ ‘us’ are all encountered frequently.” (Andrew Ward)

Back to the word redneck. What if a white person of the so-called "upper" class who had never been poor, never in a position to be called "poor white trash" were to call another white person who did grow up poor and struggling a redneck. Would the person who had been called that name laugh with him/her sincerely? Unlikely. I'm talking ordinary people here, not spiritual gurus.

Of course, the word "redneck" could never be applied to a white person of second or third generation wealth who'd never done a day's hard labor. If you called a wealthy, educated white person a redneck, the person would probably give you a quizzical look, might even laugh. The epithet will never apply. He's not poor. He's not uneducated and toothless at 40, and neither is anyone in his immediate family.

But a black person, no matter how wealthy, no matter how educated, may be dehumanized in an instant by the "n" word as insult. He/She may put on bravado's mask, but the word "nigger" has a distinctive sting unlike any other. Can you assure him or her you did not mean it as insult?

And here I am, a black person. Would I call a blue collar white person in the south a "redneck" for fun? Let's say I just heard that same white person call his friend "redneck." Would that make it okay for me to do the same?

Answer: "Only if I'm an idiot." I know the history of the word. I know it's meant to denigrate. So, I really don't care what one white person calls another white person. That's between them. As a black person who knows it's a mean word, I sure as hell better not call him that name or any other racist insult unless I'm cruising for a brawl.

Where does that leave us and the Whoopi/Elisabeth show? At the same place this discussion should always take us if we practice civility, at The Golden Rule: treat other people the way you want to be treated. If you don't want people to be glib about throwing what may be an insult your way, then don't throw any their way.

Weepy, whiney Elizabeth Hasselbeck should know this as should any other mother or father who genuinely wants to raise children to live life as it should be lived. When you're teaching young children to contribute their best to this world, you don't need to give a history lesson about the "n" word. Neither do they need explanations for why the two black kids called each other that strange name. The only thing you or Elisabeth needs to teach a child as far as name calling goes is don't do it. Would she have us believe that if her child comes home and says I do drugs because other people do it that she would say, "Well, I can't teach you not to do that until those other children stop as well?"

When it's time for that history lesson about black people and white people in a country that in its past has condoned slavery, segregation, systemized brutality and oppression, then give that lesson. Until then, keep it simple.

So, bottom line for me, use of the "n" word when it comes to whites who want to use it has nothing to do with what black people feel free enough to call themselves within "the family." Ask yourselves, as Laina suggested in her post, "Why do you as a white person want to say the word at all?" The answer should scare you.

Nordette is a Contributing Editor with BlogHer.com whose personal blog is hosted on another site at this link.