BlogHer - Hey, Caitlin! Democrat THIS! - Comments

The Feministe piece was great

mothergoosemouse — Mon, 08 May 2006 13:35:12 -0500

Fantastic rebuttal. Likening herself to Erma Bombeck though - that really irked me. I've read more of Erma than of Caitlin, and I've never known Erma to whine. And Erma's funny. Caitlin...not so much.

I look forward to reading

supa — Fri, 05 May 2006 11:46:39 -0500

I look forward to reading Peskowitz's book, Isabel. I worry, though, that a "true representation of the socio-economic classes in America" would be enough to make some people run for the hills; debt and panic and struggle and real life are frightening in a way that debates over organic produce and mandolin lessons are not. I mean to say, "Perfect Madness" is, for me, something like listening at the windows of the new housing development uptown -- I can form opinions about the matter, about these anxious overparenters, and make myself feel better. But looking at other moms in my class, or those who are working poor or even destitute ... America (including myself) is very uncomfortable with facing those kinds of hard realities.

Another honest treatise is

Isabel Kallman — Fri, 05 May 2006 08:54:23 -0500

Another honest treatise is Miriam Peskowitz's "The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars: who decides what makes a good mother?" It's lauded for its research, interviewing a true representation of the socio-economic classes in America (to Supa's point and where "Perfect Madness" was often critcized.)

The one silver lining to this type of media attention is a frenzy of honest discussion about the real issues parents face and care about: paid family leave, affordable group health insurance, universal access to affordable and high-quality childcare, to name a few.

What a shame...

feministmother — Thu, 04 May 2006 15:53:07 -0500

What a shame her book has gotten so much attention. There are so many wonderful books that add something positive to the discussion of the challenges mothers face. It's too bad a book like The Price of Motherhood isn't getting this much media attention.

Well, I certainly can't

supa — Thu, 04 May 2006 15:46:14 -0500

Well, I certainly can't argue with semantics.

well, not to play semantics...

Mir Kamin — Thu, 04 May 2006 13:57:08 -0500

... but even as someone who's been in the situation you describe, Supa, I still think Sawyer is correct.

Yes, that doesn't sound like a great choice. It IS a choice, though (first of all), and also where we choose to live--and the associated cost of living--is a choice (second of all). It's not that the choices are easy or clear-cut, but they're still choices. Viva la modern living, right?

--
Mir from WCS
(BlogHer Mommy & Family contributing editor)

Personal: Woulda Coulda Shoulda

At Ty's Toy Box: Listen to your Mommy!

one more thing

supa — Thu, 04 May 2006 13:05:48 -0500

I have to respectfully disagree with Susan Sawyers that we all have choices. Sometimes the choices we have aren't much of a choice at all. I could max out my credit card at 25% interest and sell my house to stay home with my son ... or I could work and cough up 70% of my earnings to day care. Whoo hoo! What a choice!

Oh Caitlin, if it could all

supa — Thu, 04 May 2006 12:59:59 -0500

Oh Caitlin, if it could all be so simple!

I agree with Susan about Flanagan scoffing at pragmatics. This New Domestic business, this revival of The Perfect Housewife, is so laughably classist it's ridiculous. I could be a great "stay-at-home mom" if I had a coveted, fulfilling writing job, and I were lauded on TV, and my children were in school, and my husband made good money, and my housekeeper cleaned my house and my nanny watched the children [because she does have a nanny].

The simple fact is that that lifestyle is miserably out of reach for the great majority of American women. And offering herself up as a man's idea of the 'perfect wife' only furthers the idea that we *want* subjugation, we like that! We don't need respect! We don't want equal wages or nights at the Olive Garden! Tell us what to do and tell us to love it.

It would be laughable, that is, if it weren't so scary. Woman lives in a bubble, she does.

the allure of the housewife

Susan Wagner — Thu, 04 May 2006 08:10:08 -0500

I think Flanagan is the intellectual equivalent of a fashion magazine--she is holding out an impossible ideal and scoffing at women who are forced to confront the pragmatics of real life. The problem, of course, is that instead of making women feel bad about the size of their asses, Flanagan makes them feel bad about the shape of their lives.

Flanagan's rhetoric is far more insidious than the typical Mommy wars rhetoric because she hides her anger behind her fluffy hair and her twinsets and her position at the New Yorker. But encouraging women to cook! and clean! and put out! doesn't change the isolation and frustration so many mothers feel, particularly since she IS right about how women's work is undervalued in our culture. Pining for the imaginary world of Donna Reed or June Cleaver doesn't solve the problems of bad daycare and underfunded schools and inflexible job opportunities.

And then when Flanagan happily asserts that take-out food and date night are responsible for the dissolution of the American family, I want to slap her. Because I think that's what Donna Reed would have done.

Sadly, there is another...

Suzanne Reisman — Wed, 03 May 2006 22:28:27 -0500

I believe that Zell Miller falls into the category of self-proclaimed Democrat who believe women should be barefoot and pregnant and home. You know what? HE makes me want to puke too, but not as much as little Caity.

Suzanne, BlogHer Contributing Editor - Travel & Recreation
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS)& Other Rants

I am REALLY wishing I hadn't

ninjapoodles — Wed, 03 May 2006 19:06:17 -0500

I am REALLY wishing I hadn't watched that. My image of the New Yorker is tarnished beyond belief. Pardon me, I have to go shower now.

Belinda

Hey, Caitlin! Democrat THIS!

Mir Kamin — Wed, 03 May 2006 15:23:20 -0500

Contributing Editor Mir also blogs at Woulda Coulda Shoulda and Ty's Toy Box.

Caitlin Flanagan is just so misunderstood. She's just like you and me, y'all. Except, you know, a gazillion times more judgemental and just about the only self-proclaimed Democrat who does things like go on national television and declare that women were better off stuck in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant.

Poooooor misunderstood Caitlin.

I'll confess: I was trying really hard to pretend that Caitlin Flanagan and her twisted "feminists are the enemy" philosophy didn't exist. But Susan at Friday Playdate piqued my curiosity today with this post about Flanagan's appearance on The Colbert Report. I... couldn't help it. I had to go watch her in action.

If you don't have the time (or the stomach) to view the clip, Salon is kind enough to sum it up perfectly:

Your hero is just as smug and unsavory in person as she is on the page! Whether she's voicing her disdain for the feminists who risked their necks to make her cushy New Yorker job possible or coyly suggesting that she's the only wife on the planet who fucks her husband regularly, Flanagan has a real knack for provocation -- the ultra-feminine kind, of course. Looking like a cross between a preppy housewife and the helpful sister on a douche commercial, Flanagan was in full effect last night on "The Colbert Report," anxious to rag on married people who leave the house occasionally for dinner and a movie (Exsqueeze?) and more than willing to bask in praise and adoration (even the pretend kind) for her firmly held beliefs that women should be second-class citizens. Colbert (tongue-in-cheek): "You're a perfect woman!" Flanagan (deadly serious): "I've been told that."

(The only thing I can add to their assessment is my own ultra-feminine observation: Something is just NOT RIGHT with that woman's hair.)

I started poking around and discovered that indeed, Flanagan is cutting a large swathe of incredulity everywhere her simpering housewifely goodness goes. Feministe takes her to task, noting (as has every observer with a brain) that--among other things--Flanagan exhorts all women to return to traditional roles and decry feminism, all the while living a life which was made possible by feminism

. Duh.

Let's stop right here, Caitlin. You're no more a housewife than I am. You do high-profile work for which you make good money and get yourself on television. You may think that because you do it at home and turn off the computer when the kids come home from school, you're a housewife. But you're not.

And yes, dear, your book is political because in it, you're shitting on all the work that feminists have done and do now in order to glorify a 1950s norm that never was the norm. And you have the audacity to tell other women that they should be doing what you do - minus, of course, the writing gigs for the New Yorker and the Atlantic. And minus the housekeeper and nanny.

Here's a secret, Caitlin: there are plenty of Democrats in marriages in which the feminist wife stays home with the kids and the husband works. They just don't kid themselves about the risks of having only one income, nor do they see the arrangement as being a way of recapturing a glorious past. They've simply decided that they can afford it, and that this is the best arrangment for them. There are also plenty of couples for whom this is not even an option. You'd throw them under the bus along with the feminists.

Feministe continues systematically deconstructing Flanagan's glass house, ending with the ultimate truth:

Face it, Caitlin. You *are* a Republican.

In her non-book review (because she can't bear to read the actual book, and I'm with her) of Flanagan's writing, gnatalie highlights perhaps the saddest part of this woman's shock factor:

The bad part is that she really does make a good point. Being a housewife and/or mother has become less respected and those women often do feel like they have to defends themselves and their decisions. I admit that I hear someone is a stay-at-home Mom my reaction is mixed between feeling pity and feeling happy for them. And that isn't right. Staying at home is very important and hard work. BUT the really really bad part is that this message is lost among all the other crazy stuff she says and writes about.

I agree. Inbetween telling you that she knows what's best for you and your family, Flanagan does has a point, about stay-at-home-moms not being as respected as they should be. That may change, but not with THIS sort of postergirl.

But enough of that. Democrat, Republican... feminist, traditionalist... I have a word for you, Caitlin. I suggest you learn it. It's called TOLERANCE.

Susan Sawyers of the Huffington Post says it wonderfully:

And while I agree with Caitlin that something is lost when a mother works outside the home, something, besides income, is gained. But to put people down for their choice is simply wrong. Rather than judge, wouldn't it be lovely if we began to value and support each other regardless of our choices. Thankfully, we still have choices.

The Urbanmoms, likewise, are advocating a better way:

[A]t urbanmoms.ca we see women confident in their decisions. We see women considering their family's needs and their own and accepting the fact that no matter what, it will never be perfect. We see women taking the lessons learned from previous generations, from their own mothers, and from their own experiences and confidently finding a solution, a "balance", that works and not beating themselves up but embracing the beautiful chaos this life has to offer.

So, if you haven't already, join the movement. Don't fall victim to these supposed experts' blame game. Instead of focusing on how it could be better, celebrate all the ways it is already great and make changes where you can. Take the bull by the horns, and find your own way. We'll be right there with you!

Speaking as a mom who's worked full-time out of the home, part-time out of the home, stayed at home full-time, and worked from home... all I can add is AMEN.

Mir

[image credit: Ms. Magazine]