BlogHer - Putting "Me" before "Mom" - Comments

Mommy clothes

rebellious thinker — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 12:14:26 -0500

My daughters joke about my mommy jeans. But as a woman in need of a make-over, I can say that sometimes I dress better than I feel, and a new mood does seem to simmer into me. While I am not suggesting that we need to dress for the set of Sex in the City, maybe we should present ourselves to our kids and the world with more than a downtrodden pair of sweats. My main goal, I guess, with clothes is that I want to give an indication of who I am to the world at large, and not just those who I have a chance to meet.

My suggestion: go shop. I think that the first post-mommy thing I bought was a colorful shirt; it made me feel different, in a good way.

Laura, www.RebelliousThoughtsofaWoman.com

Husband says I need to take care of myself!

jenns1125 — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 10:06:42 -0500

My husband told me last night that he was going to personally buy me a new wardrobe because he can't stand the way I dress. He says I need to get dressed in the morning. I need to take care of myself. I deserve it.

That's really cool that the thinks that. It is just so hard for me to do. I have spent the better half of the last decade as a mom. I spend my days talking about the complexity of boogers. There's no need to get dolled up to be used as a human tissue.

He can see I'm losing my identity. That means others can see it to. I need to take more time for me. How? and When? I get excited when I can pee by myself. What would I do with an afternoon to myself?

My single mom girlfriends take time to themselves. They say they *have* to. They get their nails done or go out with friends. Then they tell me I should do that. At that point I roll my eyes and change the subject.

Maybe I should blog about this. What would I do with a few hours to myself? Would dressing better, heck just getting dressed, make me feel better? Why do I feel I need to be the end all be all for my children and husband? Hmmm....

OMG-This is what my entire blog is about!

ThankGodForMommy — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 19:06:05 -0500

After five children, (and now they are three teens and two toddlers), I had to MASTER this! Or is was going to run away to the hills of Spain. I am 35 years old and if I did not creativily, lovingly and artfully know how to balance husband and kids, and career (yes, i also am a filmmaker) I would not have made it.

I have dedicated a blog to this topic and sadly (but I have hope!) I am in the minority. Most topics are sites about commradery, and complaining through jokes, and all the hardships-but no one talking about how to be a powerful woman and mother in the world. Making a difference with our kids...ahhh! don't get me started. Anyhoo...

love this site, and if anyone wants to dare come visit-you'll find me here:

ThankGodForMommy Blog

Bobbi

www.ThankGodForMommy.com

1 mother+1 mother+1 mother=Many Mothers

rebellious thinker — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 18:33:24 -0500

The moral of the story or stories seems to be that we each have to go through this torment on our own. We each have to deal with balancing life as a woman, wife (?), and parent. But, in reality, it's not us individually--it's our society. We are all reflections of how our society is not dealing well with women--with the whole "I am woman hear me strong" idea. If it were, would we be agonizing over every minute we do or don't spend with our children; and would we need to feel that we are "stealing" time away, some mommy time?

If we still need to re-enact Kramer v. Kramer because there's just too much on our plates and not enough respect/help/breathing space, then there is a big picture problem here. And if marriages are split asunder because women still have the weight of the world on their shoulders, then there's more than a problem of time for napping and kayaking and martial arts.

Laura, www.RebelliousThoughtsofaWoman.com

Great Post

Kathy333 — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 12:03:57 -0500

My girlfriends and I were talking the other day about how before kids we had things that made us "us". You know, mine was kayaking, my friend's was photography, and etc . . . You have children and work and family and home and then you have you . . . last. It's so important to take that time, and to let go of that guilt! I wrote about this at allbusiness, too, about how oftentimes our ideas of me time changes when we have kids. Suddenly those things we loved to do, like kayaking, involve not going alone but taking the kid(s).

It is a tough balancing act!! Great post!

Kathy

Mama Marathoner

Allbusiness:Working Mothers

Martial Arts

Carmen S — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 09:15:01 -0500

That's how I get my Me time. Capoeira three classes a week and Muy Thai boxing three days a week.

I LOVE it.

--
Carmen

Keep posted with my life on my blogs:
www.momtothescreamingmasses.typepad.com - a story of one woman's insanity with her six kids
www.theelffdiet.com - how I lost 80 pounds with a New Year's Resolution
www.deepsou

Awesome!

Mir Kamin — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 05:43:01 -0500

Thanks, merlotmom and Jodi, for linking up your posts on the issue, too.

Nelle -- I confess that when I was writing this post I hadn't even considered a situation like yours, and your story, of course, is sobering. You're so right that there is sometimes no way to take care of everyone. I was mostly referring to smaller self-tending, of course, but thank you for the reminder that sometimes it's more complicated than that.

Rebellious Thinker, I'm high-fiving you on the nap idea. ;)

--
Mir Kamin
(BlogHer Mommy & Family contributing editor)

Personal: Woulda Coulda Shoulda

Having it all with less: Want Not

I absolutely agree!

merlotmom — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 00:13:23 -0500

I couldn't agree more with you ,Mir. It seems most of what I write these days pertains to this very theme. At this point in my life it feels as if its really a matter of life and death. Mine. I wrote about it just last week.

http://merlotmom.blogspot.com/2008/08/gift-open-letter-to-my-kids.html

Thanks for the insight. Now let's figure out how we can all put this new hierarchy into practice and keep it up!

merlotmom

You've inspired me to make

Jodi Cleghorn — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 22:37:49 -0500

You've inspired me to make public an article I wrote at the beginning of the year about finding myself and the guilt of wanting to spend time to reconnect with myself as a woman. http://www.blogher.com/finding-my-self is the link to the article.

And I agree wholeheartedly - why do we suffer guilt about wanting to put ourselves first sometimes?

Jodi Cleghorn -Mother, writer and editor

“It used to be that Goddesses performed miracles. Now they write books and tell us how to perform our own" Sarah Ban Breathnach

www.jodicleghorn.blogspot.com

www.reclaimsexafterbirth.com

Ay yee yee

nelle2nelle — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 21:31:26 -0500

I'm not quite sure what I wish to say, or where to begin...

lets just say you cannot put yourself more first than what I did 5 years ago. Sparing the sordid details, suffice to say crossing gender lines as a parent is supremely self serving and inward thinking.

This as the sahp of our youngest, from 7 months through my leaving (that would be a bit over age 11.)

I wish all to hell it didn't happen that way, that it didn't end up this way. I wish one's identity - that being true to oneself - was not capable of ripping a family apart. After all, don't we wish to convey to our children that being true to themselves is a basic life lesson?

Ah, yes. But, oh, no. I'd love to be in a position of being a go to parent again. That is gone from me now, and I miss being fully engaged.

And then there is the actual putting self first, this on a more modest scale (which is what your intent is, after all) simply... absolutely.

I carry that G word around with me, you can see it. If you squint, cover your eyes to shade, and look upward, you might see the Grinch at the top of the mountain, planning his slide-down. Which is why I ended up practicing reiki, something that teaches heal thyself first.

As with all things, balance and moderation. Our children need to know things 'like be true to yourself,' 'build a sense of community and family,' but they also have to learn to respect the space of others, that each of us is not only parent, but individual. What comes with that is self respect, seeing to their own needs through seeing us see to our own needs, and perhaps doing so in a more healthy way than dragging along Guilt Mountain.

nelle

llhaesa

Me Mommy is Not Mean Mommy

rebellious thinker — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 21:16:22 -0500

If I don't indulge in at least one nap a weekend, I am unable to transform out of my mean mommy persona into someone my daughters will let chauffeur them around.

Laura, www.RebelliousThoughtsofaWoman.com

Putting "Me" before "Mom"

Mir Kamin — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 20:58:24 -0500

I'm not sure where we moms got the notion that we should put everyone else first, but as soon as I finish packing my kids' lunches, reattaching this button, supporting my husband through his mom's recent illness, and putting together this report for the PTA, I'm going to figure it out.

Oh. Wait....

I'm sure that some fathers are similarly afflicted, sure, but primarily it seems to be the domain of the mother to see her service to her family as paramount. And then many of us who are employed by humans other than the resident midget dictators will compare notes endlessly on the "juggle" of managing both work and home. "Work" being career, and "home" being our family and that never-ending pile of laundry.

It's rare that I remember to say "I need," and rarer still that I remember to say "I want." And it's not that I don't want or need things (seriously, how much time do you have?), it's just that I somehow fall to the bottom of the list.

Is it a case of low self-esteem? Nah; I know I deserve the same consideration I afford those I love. Is it a case of martyrdom? Occasionally I suppose it is, but not most of the time. Fatigue? I think we're getting warmer. And that's... sort of pitiful.

I got started thinking about this thanks to pwise79's recent post here on BlogHer, wherein she starts talking about needing to do a bit of personal landscaping (ahem) and quickly moves to the heart of the matter:

Not only is it the lack of time, but there is the guilt factor as well. As a mother, my life is riddled with guilt. If I take time and money to go do something for myself, I feel bad. I feel like I should have spent that time and money with my kids, or doing something for the house. How much do we, as mothers, need to sacrifice before we feel like we are doing enough? And is it important for us to have interests and activities for ourselves?

The answer is HELL YES! If we don't take the time to cater to ourselves and take care of our individuality outside of motherhood, we are not going to be the best mothers we can be. A happy, well taken care of mother is a good mother, in my opinion. We may feel that it is selfish or frivolous, but really, why are we less important than everyone else?

Ahhhh. She said the "g word!" That's guilt, folks, or maybe it's Guilt (capital G) because it often seems so inescapable. When I find time for my children, I'm a good mom. When I find time for my husband, I'm a good wife. When I find time for clients, I'm a good employee, and when I find time for church or school committees I'm a responsible citizen of my community.

When I find time for me I'm... selfish.

And therein lies the rub, for most moms. It's not selfish -- not in the pejorative sense, anyway -- but so many of us feel like it must be. And yet, I know that some of the best parenting and partnering I've ever been a part of came when I had been taking excellent care of myself (and hence was at my best for those I love, too).

I think it's high time for us moms to take back our self-hood. Not in the "I'm worth a manicure, tee hee" sort of way, but in the unapologetic prioritizing of our needs apart from everyone else's as an integral part of our lives. I've lately tried viewing my "wants" as though it were my kids or my husband with the desire, rather than me (this may require a bit of creative substitution, but you get the idea), to help me view it more objectively. And what do you know -- often the thing I figure "isn't necessary" for myself becomes an "of course that's a good idea" when I consider it as if someone I loved wanted it.

We all know that if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Mama shouldn't need permission to get happy, but if she does, consider this: It's really a service to everyone else to take care of yourself. Really.

Check out these moms putting themselves first for a change:
Mama Daisy took a day off and got whipped cream on her fancy coffee;
Jennifer at Lifestyle of a Divorced Single Mom made a fabulous meal for herself (that she didn't have to share);
Karen at It's Worth It All is taking some time off from school, and spending some time crocheting to boot;
and Sarah at Loving a Soldier. Living the Life. is pregnant with her fourth child but finally took a couple of weeks "off" to study and then take the bar exam. As Sarah put it:

I love my children and my family and they are more than I could ever ask or pray for. They fill my heart and my life, but there still needs to be a me.

Right on.

BlogHer Contributing Editor Mir also blogs about issues parental and otherwise at Woulda Coulda Shoulda, and about the joys of mindful retail therapy at Want Not.