BlogHer - I can't date anybody right now because... - Comments

Take time to be alone.

Liz Rizzo — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 01:41:47 -0500

After long, heavy relationships, being single can be really, really rough, but I think it is *so* *so* *so* important to get through that time with some single time. Dating, yes. But wait to get heavy and take some time for you.

JMHO

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Wow, I can relate

JustKaren — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 07:00:47 -0500

I too have a man that I am crazy about after having ended a 14 year marriage. We had 9 blissful months together and then he moved across the country. He is there for a year and a half but does not know where he will live after that. I may see him once or twice in the next year and am trying to figure out what to do.

I believe that God puts us in these situations for a reason. I know if it is over between us that I do not regret meeting him for a minute. But also feel that perhaps I can adjust, enjoying him immensely while I am with him and beginning to date again. Not necessarily date for love, but for fun, meeting new interesting people, companionship... I know that being with anyone right now may pale in comparison to being with him, but the alternative is to be alone and I know that is not the right solution.

I wish you the best of luck with you predicament. And congratulations for ending your old relationship, if nothing else comes of this relationship with this lovely man, he has helped you to liberate yourself and learn that there is so much more out there.

Best,

Karen

Because... My heart is with a man I will likely never be with

Dreamer7 — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 04:01:48 -0500

Liz, I just recently ended a 14 year relationship that started when I was 23 years old after meeting a wonderful man who opened my eyes to the fact that I have been living an empty life over a number of years and lost myself somewhere along the line.

The challenge I am facing after a couple of months of freedom is that I don't know how to be single, but I'm not having any fun being by myself!

You might ask what happened to the other man. I am crazy about him and feel like I have met my soul mate, but logic is telling me the odds are so stacked up against us ever being together that I need to be single or start dating again. For lack of a better word, the whole situation just sucks! He lives over 1,000km away, speaks english as a fourth language and both of our jobs require us to go to remote locations for 4-6 months at a time (which is where I met him). I have just returned from seeing him after being separated for over 2 months and I cannot express how happy, yet sad I was when with him. He treated me like gold, taking me around his country and introducing me to his son and friends - but I'll be lucky if I see him 2-3 times a year due to our jobs. I feel torn between wanting to be with this man, but not knowing if it will ever be. I know this sounds sappy, but it is almost like Titanic. We feel great love and passion for each other, but we live in different worlds.

Guess the bottom line is that is why I can't date right now - my heart is with a man who I will likely never be in a permanent relationship with.

Am I the only fool who is in this situation?!

Meanwhile...

Liz Rizzo — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 10:16:00 -0500

I'm shooting webisodes on the weekends, and feeling literally too busy to Internet date. Sigh.

September. End of September.

But yeah, I think we all do this at some point. I was all about the excuses for my first few L.A. years.

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Bravo!

Zandria — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 14:52:57 -0500

I can absolutely relate to this feeling, Liz. I spent years thinking that I couldn't get close to someone else because I didn't know what I wanted to do, or where I wanted to be. I don't regret making the choice to stay single while I figured things out, but in hindsight I do see it as a self-protection mechanism rather than something I HAD to do. You're right, it was just an excuse I used to play it safe.

Personal blog: Keep Up With Me
BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness

I can't date anybody right now because...

Liz Rizzo — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 10:03:18 -0500

When I first moved to L.A. I had a million of them. Reasons for not dating, not getting out there. The most embarrassing (which of course I'm about to share with you) was that when I become a director, my schedule will change drastically. Embarrassing now that I've realized that I'll be dancing in the streets if I get a paid directing gig in even the next ten years.

But, I was honestly worried about coupling with someone while I worked the 9 to 6 who then would suddenly not be able to handle the gig dynamic. I also worried about my schedule now, where I work *a lot* in pursuit of my goals, and where I have months that I'm particularly buckled down and months where I'm more free.

Neither of these are unreasonable thoughts.

And neither of them are a good reason not to be dating.

Another big one is money. How could I date while I was in debt? Who would want me?

Or maybe you're employed, but money is tight. How can you date when you don't have lots of money to throw around?

How can I date if I don't know how I feel about kids?

How can I date when I don't want a big wedding?

How can I date when I'm not who I'm going to be... someday?

OK. Sometimes we all have really good reasons not to be dating. And sometimes, we have really unrealistic ones that we used to protect ourselves. To justify playing it safe.

I'm going to be free of credit card debt in my 40th year. I'm not waiting until then to be dating. Instead, I've made steady choices and progress to become the person I'm going to be.

Dating when I was flat broke was tough, but I was just honest about my situation, and I got out there. You don't *need* to spend a lot of money to date.

Weddings, kids, houses, cars, money, weight... Work on being your best you today, figuring out who you are and what you want today, and then just get out there. Using one of my examples, I certainly dated while I was working on getting my finances in order. And now that I'd consider myself "in order," there's still a lot of paying down to do. I'm certainly still somewhere that some people would find horrifying and unacceptable.

There's not one thing I can do about that but not date them.

There's not one thing I can do but be my best self and be honest about who I am right now and where I think I will be in the future.

After all, we none of us know what's going to happen. Things change. People change. Relationship dynamics change people. All kinds of things change people.

So if you've got reasons you're not dating right now, maybe you are absolutely right, but it never hurts to review the situation. Are you truly being smart about your needs right now, or are you just playing it safe?

The blogosphere speaks:

Who blogs drunk? Iz do! - Awesome rambling (with pics! bunny!) from Pixie Soyfuckers. She gets around to the romance eventually.

Being blown off again - sfgeek on LiveJournal blogs about the blow off. Bummer, makes me sad. Happens to all of us sometimes, I think.

This has got to be a joke, right? - Pennylane77 also on LiveJournal shares a tail of nutty texting, and now I no longer think I am insane at all, because dude is crazytime. It's an older post, but it's worth a read if you've been feeling like you're a little crazy. Remember what crazy really is.

Rant. - From Terra at beginner's terranese, a poetic form about needing time to find out who you are. Which sometimes you definitely do need to take time for you.

Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.

BlogHer - I *can't* date anybody right now because... - Comments