BlogHer - Why I have so much trouble with men.... - Comments

Thanks for your warm comments....

theamazinglifeofarbendon — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 07:04:40 -0500

You can always make another dollar, but you can't buy another minute. Use your time wisely, and live life to the fullest.

Just wanted to say thank you for all the supportive comments I've received. I have an 'adult' relationship with my dad, but its pretty much the same one I had with him when I was younger. Its hard to explain, because he wasn't a 'bad' father; he did all he knew how to do, and still does. He's a good grandpa, my boys love him to pieces. Its that I just realized how much my lack of connection to him affected my choices as a young adult, and it just drives me to be there for my sons. No 'absent' parenting here!! He was in the military, he did what he knew to do: and for him, it must have been hard as well, after all, he would go away and come home and I was older and wiser and didn't look the same as I did when he'd left. I've had so many 'aha' moments in my 30's about why I am the way I am, and as painful as those moments are sometimes, I'm glad that I get the opportunity to analyze things, because at least it means that I don't live my life blindly.

I care for you.

Manishi — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 02:08:53 -0500

Hi,

After reading the post I just want to say that we have been gifted by just one life, and in this lifetime we have got a lot to achieve. The best way to overcome our grieveancs is by proving our worth. We have lot many things to be explored so just do not let your past haunt you. No one of us is been provided with the perfect world and some or the other thing is out of the shape with all of us, but that can't stop us from being happy. I care fpr you and want you to prove yourself not for someone else but for yourself so that generation from you can proud upon you. Remember what happened is past we cannot change it but it is we only who can decide to make our present happy or sad. Take Care.

Warm Regards

Manishi

http://manishi.vox.com/

I understand that one

christywardluv — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 23:22:48 -0500

You know, I understand how you feel. My dad was never a real presence in my life and the one memory I had of us spending one on one time together was a trip to the Triple XXX pancake house in downtown detroit and a visit to his office where I got a watchamacalit candy bar and an orange crush soda. I also got a lollipop from the receptionist. I must have been 8. I worked my whole life trying to get his approval and when I lived with him alone after my mom left in the divorce he vanished into his girlfriend's life of sex, drugs and rock n roll. As a teenager he pretty much left me on my own and said how if I died he'd be fine and move on with his life. He'd leave me alone for many nights to go out partying or week(s) if he went on vacation.

The truth is as an adult, I'm 31 now, I realize that I can never really get the kind of love I'd want from him, so I accepted that he's not a nurturing person and I gave up. He lives in a different state and it makes me sad sometimes that he doesn't really care about knowing his grandkids or me but that's just who he is. I can't change him and even though I love him and would talk to him in a heartbeat, I just sort of had to let him go.

It's too bad that some dads just don't get it. I'm sorry yours doesn't and I hope one day he will.

Christy Wardlow

http://brainyblooms.blogspot.com/

maybe you also need to cry

kazari — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 22:52:04 -0500

maybe you also need to cry for the 'perfect' father that you didn't have? is it possible now to have an 'adult to adult' relationship with him? i find i get along better with both my parents on the days that i forget they are, and just interact with them as people. it's a nifty trick if you can do it.

I think I have a recipe for that...

Why I have so much trouble with men....

theamazinglifeofarbendon — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 00:09:09 -0500

Do you ever have those moments where, you are doing something completely ordinary and you have an epiphany about why you are the way you are? I was working for one of my clients today ( I am self-employed) and in the middle of my work, I suddenly realized that the reason I have so much trouble with men in my life is because I have never had a good relationship with my father. As dads go, mine is pretty nondescript: military man, provider, typical male. But the one thing that stands out is that he was absent most of my life, and that even now, as an adult, I have spent a lot of energy trying to win his attention and affection. How does that translate to other men? Well, oddly enough, I picked a spouse who most closely resembles my mom in personality and behavior. But this realization also helped me recognize why I have always been driven to be the best, to be first, why I am so 'type A'; because I never really felt as if the one man who should have loved me unconditionally cared much for me at all. Sure, he's done the obligatory parental things, but he's never really gone out of his way to make me feel special or important. My best memory with him is from my childhood, when I was about 10. I struggled with depression early on, and as a result, the counselor our family was seeing suggested that my dad take me out on a 'date' with him. He took me to dinner at a low-end restaurant and then we went to see 'Back to the Future', with Michael J. Fox. I'll never forget it: it was the one time in my entire life that I felt like he was really paying attention to me, and that we actually had a few things in common. To this day, that movie reminds me of my dad. I had this epiphany because I have developed a serious crush on someone I am around a lot; no worries of infidelity, my crush is secret and he is married and I respect that. But, when I started to think about why it was so important for this person to pay attention to me, I recognized that he is very similar to my father, and that what I was really longing for was the same thing I have always longed for: affirmation and appreciation from one of my parents. These type of things make it hard for me to create an amazing life for myself, if only because it makes me feel worthless and stupid, like I will never be worthy of anything, so why bother. All of my life, my relationship with my dad has ruled my feelings of self-worth. If he said I looked fat in something, I never wore it. If he liked my hair up, up it stayed. I never wore a lot of makeup or dressed in particularly fashionable clothing because to my dad, it made no sense for me to waste time in getting all 'gussied up'. My opinion of myself and my competitiveness for the attention of men has been rooted in my longing for a real relationship with someone who can never really give it to me. Sometimes, being enlightened just sucks. So, I cried today, and I felt weak today, and I realized that I will never be the 'perfect' daughter, or the perfect woman, for that matter. My body will always have flaws, I will never be smart enough or witty enough or talented enough to capture his attention; he will always pass me over. And I, I will just have to come to grips with the fact that who I am is who I am, and I can't change my appearance too much ( not without drastic and costly surgery ).